Her (4)/Chest: Reminisce

Hey,

How are you?

It's been almost twelve years since I fell in love "to" you, yes to you 'cause I can't write "with" you, beeeeeecause (that's kind of prolonged intentionally) you didn't feel the same way. At least that's what I said to myself 'cause there were times you made me feel like you did feel the same, like me. Maybe, I'm just hallucinating or it's because I have feelings for you that I gave meaning to what you've done to me and for me.

Remember during our sophomore year, my seat is just in front of you. Well, I mean, near you, I can just turn around and see your face. I remember that time when a transferee had a crush on me. You were the one who told me before I even knew it from that guy. He became your friend. He's okay but it's you I like. I remember the icy feeling I felt when you said those to me, sitting beside me 'cause my seatmates have roamed to some other seats since the teacher's not yet present. You were looking at the board that time when you said your friend liked me. I was looking at you that time and I said you were bluffing, then when you turned to look at me, I regretted saying that. You gave me that icy look like you're pissed off but you said nothing more. You stood up and return to your seat and just like that. It's as if nothing happened.

We have the same favorite song that year, I just came to know about it when David Cook's 'Light On' was playing on the background and you ask the DJ to play it again. I began singing along and you looked at me. I even wrote the lyrics of FM Static's 'Tonight' because you liked it, too, and you asked me to. We even liked another same song because we both love the Taiwanese movie series running on TV before the nightly news.

Then junior year came, one of those girl best friends you have became your lover. I was kind of pissed off one time when one of my friends and I were walking down the stairs to your classroom's floor since ours is on the third floor. You and that girl were sitting apart but when you look up at us, to me, you moved closer to her and she laid her head on your shoulder. You didn't look at her since you kept looking at me. I gave a blank look but when we walked passed you and her, away that time, I felt my stomach turning upside down. I feel so irritated and confused.

Senior year came like a flash, we graduated. You didn't march with us but on that grad day, I thought I saw you in the crowd but I was not sure, you kind of hid yourself when our eyes met. Or maybe I just imagined you there. Until now, I wasn't sure.

College days came, I somehow always see you at church when I attend every Wednesday novena mass at 6 p.m. after classes. You were studying at another university so I usually see you when I'm in church. There was this one time when I was praying during homily, after the prayer, when I looked up, you were there, it was a short time, our eyes met but I turned to look at the pew, and when I returned my gaze at the altar, you were not in my vision's periphery anymore.

One time when I was rushing to school, I met you just outside the church, I met your gaze and I just nodded to make known that I recognized you.

I remember every details when it comes to you. Up until now, it seems like I'm watching through memory lane each memories' clear scenes.

Last I've heard of your life's events was when one of my friends told me you have a lover. Your second one and that she's nice, kind and well, lovely. And it's the first you really courted someone. How lucky she is, I thought. I wished I was her but then, I guess wishes don't just come true for me. I don't deserve to be with you. Nor be with anyone.

I checked on you on the internet once, I know you didn't pass the licensure exams and I hope when you do take it again, you'll pass by then. You can do it.

At some point in my running life, I came to love some other person, not you, but I still think of you. I loved the second person after you but never the same as I did for you. He became a friend, a confidante but became a stranger and I feel drained that time he said we should be strangers again, and not be friends anymore.

He and you are different. I just realized I've wasted my time in a person who treated me like a past time when in fact he said I was a friend. You on the other hand had never really became a friend but a good person to me, well, sometimes you get irritated with me during high school.

You are my unrequited love. I should have confessed I liked you when I had the chance but I didn't. I was too afraid of rejection.

I bet you'll never know, now or in the future. I just pray that you and the one who has your heart would be together until your last breath. You may have misunderstandings and quarrels sometimes but I hope you will reconcile and forgive each other because you both love each other back. Both feelings reciprocated by both persons.

I, on the other hand, will just go on with my life and let the fated person comes my way and stay with me, too.

I'll forever be in love to you despite loving someone else aside from you. It's not like I'm cheating on whoever that is that would come my way, it's just that maybe that "first love never dies" proves its words to me. I'm not really fond of the love thing, as you know I love tragedy and horror stuffs.

I'm just a bit scared now, for falling again. The last one I fell into didn't catch me. I don't really blame you for my heart ache when I love you, you don't even know. It's not that I'm afraid to be hurt but I'm afraid to hurt that someone I would love. I've turned a lot of proposals to become someone's lover because I can't. For the longest time now, I can't.

Well, that's my part of the story and you won't be able to grasp what I'm writing about so I would end it up here, for now.

I hope I would see you again. If not, then, that's okay, too.

So hey,

I'll be off on my way, then.

©️10.10.2018