Chest: Something's Changing

Dear Juliet,

I don't know why I'm even writing a letter to you. I just really want to know why my world seems to be bleak yet coloured, too, at the same time. I know you can't probably answer that.

I feel broken somehow, I left an ex-lover because I'm tired of making her feel pained and weighed down with my own sufferings when she also has her own. I understand that we should have been open to each other and I should have told her about my worries but I did not. I left her 'cause I don't want her to suffer more because I kept things from her.

I don't know how I had grown to be fond of a certain someone even when I was with my ex-lover. I did not cheat, I assure you that. This certain person made me feel so free and talking with her turned off all restrictions and fears I have. I can openly say what I feel, to her, I feel more like myself when with her. I can't really explain how that is even possible when in fact, I hardly open up to anyone, even with my past lovers and to my family.

I just don't understand how, for a short span of time, I came to love her soul, her deep thinking and her own brokenness she shared to me. I love hearing her stories and did not missed a day talking to her, make that seconds, a minute or just hours. When I feel like not laughing nor smiling to anyone or any event, she somehow makes me to, without even putting much of an effort but just talking to me.

I had been busy the past days and I missed our conversations. I still send her messages, of course, but it felt like she is being reserved now, as if the walls she let crumble down when conversing with me has been built up again. I feel like when everytime I ask how her day was or how she is feeling, her "I'm okay" and "I'm fine" answers come off as lies, or partly true. Did I do something wrong? Or maybe, she really is just tired and just want to rest. Our conversations became shortened now.

I think of her even when I'm busy with work.

...Is she really okay?

...I wish I can be with her.

...Did something ill happen?

...Is she crying again?

...I hope I can hug her and take her away from her pain.

...Is she still hurting?

All of these have been running in my mind but I can't be sure of any answers because she somehow restricted herself from me. I know she's her own person but I hope she would remember that I will always be here for her no matter what.

If you would ask if I love her, like really love her in a romantic way, maybe I do, but I'm not completely sure. I know, I sound like a jerk here or an idiot but I'm just being honest.

I just really want to assure her that I will never leave her and abandon her like some people in her life, did. I would never betray her, although I can't promise that I would never hurt her. That would be really impossible. In every relationship, romantic, family, friendship, acquaintanceship, name it, it is inevitable, like change.

I am not a man of too many words but somehow when it comes to talking about her, I just can't help myself saying so much, like I'm writing a thousand-page book or reading one.

Hope she'll know about this somehow. I always keep on reassuring her but somehow, nowadays, she's becoming the near stranger I know. Or maybe, she's making me one. I'm not sure. I just wish I can see her face now and put my hands on her cheeks and say to her, eye to eye, that everything I said is true.

What else can I do now?

Regards,

Avyan

©️ 10.27.2018