Chapter 3: Pain and Secrets

Today was my free day since I didn't have many classes. I only had one in the morning and then I was completely free. After I had gotten out of the lecture hall, I went to the central garden the campus had. I sat down at a bench and wondered who else would be free at this time.

I thought about Alexa but I was sure she would be busy the entire day. I then thought about Yurim but I remembered that she told me her only "real" free days are on the weekends. Feeling disappointed, I let out a sigh and stared at the fountain. I tried to think who else might be free until suddenly, someone covered my eyes with their hands from behind me.

I smiled.

(Y/N): San, what are you doing?

San: Come on. You're supposed to ask who it is first.

San uncovered my eyes and sat down on the bench next to me. He was grinning which showed off his dimple.I had to shove down the fluttering feeling that was rising in my chest to respond normally.

(Y/N): Why am I supposed to ask when I already know how your hands feel? You've done this so many times.

San: You can still pretend, can't you?

He started to pout and I playfully punched his shoulder. He chuckled and I smiled with him.

(Y/N): Wait, don't you have classes right now? What are you doing here?

San started to scratch the back of his head and smiled nervously.

San: I woke up late…

(Y/N): San!

San put his hands up slightly.

San: Hey, don't worry too much. I have someone in there that can catch me up. I'll be fine.

I let out an exasperated sigh and San chuckled at my distress.

(Y/N): How late did you stay up?

San: I think until four in the morning.

(Y/N): Are you serious!? What were you even doing up that late?

San: Playing games with Yunho…

I could only stare at him in disbelief until I let out a short laugh.

(Y/N): Guess I have someone else I need to scold later.

San: Looks like you do.

(Y/N): Don't think you're off the hook either.

San only smiled innocently and started to look at the fountain. I joined him and we sat there in silence, listening to the calming sound of the water. It was very serene since it was basically only us two in the garden; besides the few people who passed by. This moment lasted for only a few minutes longer before San suddenly spoke.

San: Hey, (Y/N). Can I ask you a random question?

(Y/N): Hm? What is it?

I turned to look at San who was now looking at the floor. His brows were drawn, as if he was choosing his words. His hands were also clenched together in a tight grip. It was the first time I ever saw him like this and for some reason, it made me feel worried.

I lightly pressed his shoulder.

(Y/N): San, is everything ok?

He was silent for another moment before he spoke; his eyes still focused on the ground.

San: (Y/N), have you ever been in love before?

I was taken aback by his question.

(Y/N): Uh, why do you ask?

San went silent again before turning to me and smiling.

San: Just something random. Don't worry about it.

(Y/N): Are you sure? It seemed like something was on your mind.

San: Really, it's nothing.

I could tell he knew I didn't believe him because he stood up and gently grabbed my arm. He tugged slightly, motioning me to follow him. I got up and walked with him with a skeptical look. He held onto my arm and led me to a part of the campus I wasn't completely familiar with. He continued to lead me into a building that seemed to be abandoned.

I started to whisper.

(Y/N): San, where are we going? Are we even allowed to be in here?

San: Don't worry. Just trust me.

I kind of had no choice but to keep following San. We went down a hallway and made a sharp turn left into the wall. Instead of slamming into it, though, we entered a windowless, dark room. I was bewildered and looked back to see that there was, indeed, a hole just big enough for people to walk into. However, it was concealed so well that if you didn't know it existed, you would walk by without noticing.

San: Hey, (Y/N). Can you close your eyes for a second?

(Y/N): I can't really see anything anyway. Do I have to?

San let out an exasperated laugh.

San: Just do it.

I rolled my eyes, though I doubt he saw it.

(Y/N): Alright then.

I closed my eyes, making the already dark room become un-seeable. San could probably tell that I followed his instructions because he let go of my arm. I stood still and could hear him walking behind me. I felt him put one of each of his hands on my shoulders and I could faintly feel his breath on my neck. I suppressed the urge to shudder and let San slowly push me through the room. I lost all sense of direction, especially since my eyes were closed, and couldn't tell where exactly San was pushing me towards. We walked a bit further until San made me stop.

San: Your eyes still closed?

(Y/N): Unfortunately, yes. Can I open them now?

San: Not yet. Hold on.

San's left hand left my shoulder and reached forward, probably to open a door I was in front of. I felt his chest lean into my back slightly and the butterflies in my stomach started to fly again. It took a lot of my mental strength to keep my breathing as normal as it could. As that was happening, I heard the sound of a doorknob being twisted and the creaking of the door being opened. My eyes were still closed but whatever room we were going into was well lit. San nudged me forward and I carefully stepped inside. I heard the door close and felt San let go of me. I listened as his footsteps went from behind me to in front.

San: You can open your eyes now.

I opened my eyes and let them get adjusted to the light. I blinked a couple times before I was able to see what was in the room. Looking around, there were a couple of chairs and two couches, one horizontal on the furthest wall and the other parallel to the door. A window placed high up on the wall was over one of the couches. There was a long low table in the middle of the room and a tall lamp by the furthest couch. A rug with a nice oriental design was laid out on the old, laminated wooden floor. There were also empty buckets of plaster laying on the floor and seeing the walls, I could tell that it was done today since there were still places where the old wall could be seen. I looked towards San with amazement.

(Y/N): San, this is so cool! What even is this place?

San: It's like a little hideout for us. I explored this building some weeks ago and thought that it could be a secret get-away. And before you say it, I did ask the faculty if this building was being used for anything. They said no and basically gave me permission to do whatever I want, with restrictions of course.

(Y/N): Wow, that's amazing. When did you do all of this?

San: Um, you know how I said I was playing games with Yunho until four earlier?

(Y/N): Yeah. What about it?

San: Well, we were actually preparing the hideout. That's the real reason I woke up late.

(Y/N): Oh my goodness. Wait a minute, "we?"

As if on cue, I heard shuffling coming from the side of the couch parallel to the door. I walked further into the room and turned to see a black bean bag with a sleeping Yunho in it. He had a white t-shirt with a plaid overshirt and blue jeans. His overshirt was rolled up to his elbows, revealing his arms that had splatters of plaster on them. San quietly walked up next to me and I turned to him with a questioning gaze.

He whispered.

San: He didn't let me do it by myself. He stubbornly stayed here and helped me all night.

I silently laughed and looked back at Yunho. Despite him being taller than most of the people on campus, seeing him curled up into the bean bag made him look smaller and more innocent, like a kid. It was honestly cute and I couldn't help myself from smiling softly. I kneeled down and gently shook him. His eyes slowly opened and blinked a couple of times. He looked at me, then San, and sat up. He rubbed his eyes and had a small smile.

His voice came out sleepily and deeper than usual.

Yunho: Hey (Y/N). Hey San. When did you guys get here?

San: A couple of minutes ago actually.

Yunho: Oh, sorry about the mess then. I was going to clean up but I fell asleep.

(Y/N): I can see that. Still, why did you stay up until four with this guy? You two need to get some sleep.

Yunho: If I didn't, San would've done all this by himself and taken even longer than it should have been.

San: Hey! I wouldn't have been that slow.

Yunho: Uh-huh. Tell that to the two couches that took BOTH of us almost 2 hours just to get in here.

San opened his mouth as if he was going to say something but closed it and pouted, clearly losing that argument. Yunho and I laughed at his sulking and I gave him a sympathy pat on his head. This eased his sulking but at that point, he was just trying to be funny. I turned around and started to pick up the empty plaster buckets while San got a semi-full one and finished the walls. Yunho stretched in the bean bag and watched us, still slowly waking up. After all of that was done, we put the buckets in a corner and sat on different couches. By that time, Yunho was awake enough to finally stand up.

Yunho: So, who should we tell about this place? I'm bringing Mingi along.

(Y/N): Well, Hongjoong and Jongho have to know about this place too.

San: True, but we shouldn't invite too many people. This place will start to draw a crowd.

(Y/N): Hm, you're right. Well, since you two created this place and I've already been invited, we should all agree on who can know about this place.

Yunho and San nodded their heads in agreement.

San: I guess we already have the gang settled then. With us, that makes it three and adding on the others will turn it to six. I think that's a good number to start off on.

Yunho and I agreed to the idea and he left to go tell Mingi. This left San and me in the hideout alone.

(Y/N): So, San… What was that back there?

San: Hm? What do you mean?

(Y/N): When you asked me if I was ever in love before. It looked like there was something on your mind. Don't try telling me it was nothing. I've never seen you like that before.

San got quiet and lowered his gaze. I started to worry if I had brought it up too soon. It looked like San really didn't want to talk about this. He was fiddling with his hands and he wouldn't keep his eyes off the floor. I sighed and went towards the door, grabbing the doorknob. I waited for a second before turning to look back at San. He was finally looking back at me.

I smiled, though it felt forced.

(Y/N): It's ok San. You don't have to tell me. I shouldn't be prying into something so sensitive to you. I'm sorry. I'll see you later.

I turned back around and left the room. I made my way out of the building and I kept walking. I wasn't even sure where I was going. All I knew was that, for some reason, my heart was hurting. Was I expecting him to confess to me? Why did I get so hopeful that he might like me back? I'm so stupid. We're friends. He probably doesn't even see me in that way. I shouldn't even be caring that much. So why does it hurt this bad?

Suddenly I felt someone grab my arm.

Jongho: (Y/N)!

(Y/N): Jongho?

Jongho's brows were drawn together and he looked so concerned.

Jongho: What's wrong? Why are you crying?

I touched my face and, just like he said, there were tears on my face. I didn't even realize that I was crying. Noticing it, I felt how hard I was shaking as well. I looked back at Jongho whose gaze was still focused on me. I don't know what I was feeling but looking at him made me cry harder. I collapsed into his chest and continued to sob. I felt his arms slowly wrap around me and he held me tight. He stayed like that and let me cry for who knows how long.

My crying started to ease slightly and I pulled myself away from Jongho. I used my hands to rub away any remaining tears and tried to control my breathing. I was still heaving but it wasn't as bad as it was earlier. I swallowed the last bit of my cries and met Jongho's eyes. He looked so worried.

Jongho: (Y/N), are you alright?

(Y/N): Y-yeah. I'm fine now.

Jongho: What happened?

(Y/N): Don't worry about it too much. It was just something stupid.

Jongho: But I can't, (Y/N). I've never seen you cry before, especially this hard.

(Y/N): I'll be ok, Jongho... Thanks for lending me your chest, even if it was involuntarily.

Jongho let out a breath.

Jongho: It was nothing. Still, are you sure that you're ok?

(Y/N): I'll be fine. I think I'm just gonna go to my dorm room and cool down.

Jongho: Ok then. You have my number if you need anything.

(Y/N): I know, Jongho. Thank you.

With that, I turned and left him, though I could still feel his gaze follow me. I tried my best to hide my face as I made my way back to my dorm building. Once I got to my room, I locked the door and laid on my bed. I put my face into my pillow and almost started to cry again.

"I'm so stupid."

I turned my head to look at the window. The drapes were drawn but the sunlight was still seeping in. It made the room look warm and bright, cozy even. As I looked at it, though, I never felt more insulted.