Chapter 3

I hurriedly running home, something I longing to know and the answer was clearly on my room. My heart was pounding too hard and it's hard for me to breath. Running straight to my room I stopped in my study table. My hands was trembling.... it's already here. For all the 10 years I been living on darkness and sorrow. This one thing I wanted to looked for and I've decided to leave and forget all behind was here.

Rupert's journal.

"I know you're confused and felt guilty for yourself..... It's better for you if you read his journal and find the answer of all your what if's?"

I've spent the whole night reading his journal and I started to cry again. I cried so much that I can stop myself on crying, those tears I keep for along time had the reason to escape on my eyes.

There's a letter fall coming from Rupert's journal there's my name written. It's a letter for me.

"... To my perfect idiot....

I know it's too late for you to read this letter that I tried to write for about 12 attempts because.. you know, it's not suit on me writing love letters like this. But I did, because it's you...

While writing this letter, I remembered our childhood days when we are both to naive to the world. When we loved to play at the empty lot near the school. We also slept together under the shed of Mango Tree. That time you are so clumsy, what do I expect from you? Until now you're clumsy and idiot.

But when we reach on our Middle school, everything changed upon me. Did someone told you, you look pretty gorgeous when you smiled? And I hate that. I hate other people noticed how gorgeous you are to my precious eyes.

I did bully you, because I hate the fact that when other noticed you. You will leave me and hanging with them. Sounds childish right? But I know it's really worth it. I forced you to be my girlfriend for you to stay by my side.

But then, as days go by... You seem more pretty gorgeous and I felt afraid, scared and insecured to myself. Everytime I saw you smiling so bright in front everyone. I felt the darkness swallowed me, the worst nightmare I keep avoiding... was eating me entirely.

I felt selfish for having you on my own. I was greedy with the smile you did. The looks of your eyes that charm me so much. So I decided to avoid you... I ignored you... I even cursed you and hurt your feelings.

I thought you will find me... asked me why I did that... but you forgot me. And it hurts for me, it almost killed me so much. But I abandoned you. I realize... you don't deserve someone me whose a huge coward like me. I even called myself you're boyfriend but I left you alone.

I'm sorry for making a huge ruckus to your life... I saw you a lot of times being hurt and cried while bullying by other idiot. It's all my fault. It's really my fault and I don't do anything to help you that time.

I was so disappointed to myself... Until I noticed I can't see anything. I can't hear anything... The darkness deep within me swallowed me to unknown place where I can find myself to stand beside you..."

I'm speechless. I can't say anything about what I read on his letter, I can't keep on reading. I was to naive on what happen to Rupert way back then. I just think too bad for him before for making my life miserable. But it was really me the one who made his life more even miserable.

"... Hey perfect idiot! I know you're crying right now. Don't blame yourself. Don't pity me. I know it sounds unfair, but I don't blame you for everything. If there's a second time... I would chose to stand beside you, hold your hands so tight and wipe your tears. If there's a second chance... I would never dare to abandon someone as precious as you. I will protect you no matter what."

"I want to be deserving for those smile Adele... but I know I can't be. I do really love you. I'm so coward to tell that before. But I really love you. Live well please. Don't think too much. I want you to be free of guilt and sadness. In our second life, I want to be with you, my Adele."

It's been a long night, I don't care if I cried a river. I hate myself to know this so late.

"Idiot... You're a big idiot, you dumb ass!" I exclaimed. "How dare you let me cried this much... who told you, you don't deserve me! All this time I still want to see you again so much. I'm still longing for you, how dare you avoiding me suddenly then leave me all of sudden."

I hate it.

I really hate it.

"I'm sorry for being not there with you at the times you really felt those hardship. Please... I want to see you again Rupert..."

My eyes was swollen from extreme crying and my heart founds the missing piece of emptiness inside. After reading the journal and letter wrote by Rupert. All those thoughts coming in my mind that night is wish... A wish to see Rupert again, a wish to come back in time and see him, tell him.. show him that I'm here for him.

I closed my eyes and hug the journal tightly. Those sleepless night, the sorrowful days.. all washed out by the wave of truth.

"If there's a second time... If there's God above hearing me... Please give me a chance to be with him once again..." I cried again praying to someone hear my call.

But I heard unfamiliar voice.....

"ADELE..."

I must be hallucinating from so much crying, I heard voices from someone I'm wishing to see.

"HEY YOU IDIOT! HOW LONG YOU'RE GOING TO SLEEP THERE?!" I lift my head and once again I saw his face. It's annoying face of Rupert sitting in front of me.