The Mysterious Case Of The Pant Thieving Vigilante Known As Jeans Justice And The Story Of How We Became Ultimate Partners In Crime

It was a one night mistake. After heavily gifting my liver and brain with the gift of alcohol, I was roped into a one night mistake. Flyer Mak was about the Unnamed University in the most devilish of ways. He and I flicking flyers for fun throughout each lecture room and tree visible to our visionless eyes was the one night mistake. I was careless and unfortunate to say, not logical. As we stood in front of a mysterious woman, her presence bringing shivers down our spines, I realised something essential. My pants were missing. Was this an occurrence too early or was it because of my one night mistake? I had no sense to care.

"And who might you be beer-infused-guy-with-a-strange-smell-kind-of-like-strawberries-but-less-sweet-and-more-like-booze?" She meandered on about policy before eyeing down my Flyer compatriot Mak. "And who is this fine-specimen-of-a-gentleman?" She licked her lips aggressively, like if she had caramel stuck on them and was really trying to get it off before meeting her obnoxious in-laws for the first time.

"I am me and hahahaha he is flying..." I looked Mak dead in the eyes and we both broke out into laughter. It was possibly one of my best jokes in the history of all eight-thousand-one-hundred-and-forty-two jokes. The woman seemed unimpressed and with one clap of her hand a band of thugs pulled us into a very secret part of the Unnamed University. In my drunkard state the only words I could make out was 'Unnamed University Grand Company'. It was here where my mortal enemy lay.

Talante was not laying down at all, he was doing fifty pull ups per second in front of an audience of enslaved teachers and professors. One man from the Board Of Directors for a certain electronics company was also present to witness this incredible sight. The woman gestured to the two pant-less morons that just happened to be Flyer Mak and I.

"They were vandalising out good Unnamed University Ground with these...these...flyers!" She shot Mak an overly seductive glance which he desperately tried to avoid.

"Let me, Talante, the recently voted number one most handsome man, take a look at these Flying posters." He did a triple backflip from the bar and landed in a very striking pose. As his eyes tried their best to read the words on the flyer cheered in excitement.

"So what punishment do you have in mind? I'll take the scrawny flyer boy." She had some serious issues like the type of issues that aren't fixed by normal circumstances.

"Do you not see the opportunity we have here. The Unnamed University Grand Prize, something so valuable that everyone in the galaxy must have it is within our reach. You go now flying child. Tell those judges that I, Talante, will come for this prize!" He shoved Flyer Mak outside of the secret building leaving just me. Without pants. On a cold hard floor. In front of an audience where I also spied my maths professor and chemistry tutor.

"Now to deal with you, random-guy-with-a-strange-smell-kind-of-like-strawberries-but-less-sweet-that-I-keep-running-into-coincidentally. Perhaps we should leave you seeing as the Pant Thieving Vigilante known as Jeans Justice has taken your pants. Once you are a victim of his, you are a victim forever." The woman also nodded at this fact reassuring me of the truth with a contract that read:

[Once a student at the Unnamed University has fallen victim to the Pant Thieving Vigilante known as Jeans Justice they will forever be a victim to their antics. This rule transcends all of space and time. Jeans Justice only has one victim until they run out of pants.]

Luckily for me I had fourteen pairs of pants left in my inventory and nothing could come between me and them. I waved at the wall as my head still spun with the alcohol forming a nice blend of stomach juices and left the secret building of the Unnamed University Grand Company. The timing of these events were just too imperfect. I had exams in the next week, and my promise to logically pursue a career and life in the sciences and mathematics would be null and void if I could not shake off this weight on my shoulders. The pressure was becoming more a burden than I had hoped. At least I had Flyer Mak on my side still.

"We're done. Sorry but after last night I just can't hang out with you anymore. My parents say it's a bad influence." And just like that Flyer Mak was gone with the wind. I did encourage him to get completely drunk but that was his fault for being a lightweight.I heard strange rumours of him finding a way to set up the Unnamed University Prize Announcement so that Talante would win but that was far from my concerns now. I was down to my last four pairs of pants and onto my last two exams. The few nights I pulled staying awake at my desk studying left me unaware to the attacks of my apartment. Jeans Justice had struck again but that would be that last time. I had a perfect plan.

First I would pretend to fall asleep on top of my remaining pants luring Jeans Justice into my room. Then with some ingenuity I would fashion a trap to fall on top of this thief at the right angle so that they would not be able to move any longer. I would then call that strange woman from the Unnamed University Grand Company and have her arrest this Pant Thieving Vigilante. The price for their head was surely going to be monumental. After that I would shower, eat a nice dinner and have a well deserved nap. I would then go to my final exam and ace it just like how I wanted to.

Night had fallen. Just like I had planned and previously mentioned I 'fell asleep' atop my pants. Just like I had planned Jeans Justice entered my room. Just like I had planned the trap fell. But it fell on top of both of us knocking both of us unconscious. When we awoke from a well deserved nap I was surprisingly disgusted and amazed at who I saw. It was me, the spitting image of myself. I knew that my life had some bigger meaning in the greater universe and that my series of choices would lead to cloning or time travel but here was the visible proof. I turned away to face another person who looked nothing like me. I turned once more to see the reflection of my bedroom wall and the other person who looked nothing like me. It was a mirror I forgot owned. I wasn't that special after all. No surprise there.

"How dare you trap ME. The one and only Jeans Justice!" I turned again to face this weird individual. It was a man wearing my pants, the first pair that went missing. Without thinking I began to strip them from his legs angrily.

"Give me back my pants you good-for-nothing-pant-thieving-bastard!" I ripped them off destroying them in the process.

"Noooooo my pants that have a-strange-smell-kind-of-like-strawberries-but-less-sweet!" The man began shedding tears, flooding the floor of my room. I frantically searched for something to knock him out with but only came upon a pair of authentic denim jeans that were gifted to me by my brother and that never actually fit me. I scrunched them up and threw them without result at the invader's head. He stopped crying and looked at me blankly.

"Get out."

"No."

"Leave or i'll call the authorities."

"Not unless I can take these authentic denim jeans that smell like they were gifted to you by your brother and don't actually fit you."

"No. Get out."

"Look, I only do this so that I have a chance to win the most sought after prize in the galaxy. It keeps getting taken away from me by some strawberry-smelling guy that I have been searching for. If you help me i'll give you a cut of this prize."

"Deal."

And so our days of pant stealing began. After I made it clear that I would ace my final exam, which I did, we began making a name for ourselves in the Unnamed University. It was elating, it felt like this was something I had been missing from my logical approach to life. It also felt like I had ignored the chance at an opportunity like this by not showing up on a certain rooftop at a certain time of day. We spent hours planning spectacular break ins and escapes and in total collected all the pants in the entire Unnamed University. These shenanigans finally came to a halt when the day of the Unnamed University Grand Prize Ultimate Announcement Day came.

Nobody there wore pants and their faces wore the grimmest of expressions. Here we would leverage the prize in exchange for the Prize. I would claim half and my dear companion Jeans Justice or Jeanny as I called him would claim the other half. We secretly walked up an unusually long flight of stairs to the stage where our plan was put into action.

"Students and representatives of Unnamed University, let me introduce you to the real prize." We pressed a large red button to reveal all the pants behind a closed curtain on the main stage.

"In exchange for the prize we will return your pants safely and unharmed. But if you refuse..." I pressed another large red button labelled 'if you refuse'. Fire shot out of the ground and a pool of alligators opened beneath the strung up pants. The crowd shrieked in fear. It was obvious that we had won. Until the ground beneath our feet shook.

Talante strode toward us in nothing but his underwear, still looking as if he were modelling for every fashion magazine in the world. His muscles blared like a bull and his pectorals were perfectly popping at each movement he made.

"I, Talante, the number one most handsome man without pants will end your reign of terror here and now!" He began to throw punches, something terrifying I had yet to experience. Left right, right left, side kick, back flip twist left right right left punch. Jeanny fell to the floor, his face covered in ketchup after eating that hot dog earlier. Talante inched closer and closer to me until my back hit the prize stand. He raised his fist and I raised my voice.

"I CLAIM THE PRIZE!" The crowd stopped cheering and Talante backed away in shock. Never had he been beaten in a fight. Not until now. An old man that on second glance looked exactly like the guy that had stolen my wallet slowly made his way up the stage. His voice was somewhat exhausted, probably from walking up that small flight of steps.

"And what could you possibly change the way you are now?" He looked out to the crowd as if searching for the answer to that ominous question. Just as I went to open my mouth, Belle appeared from the crowd somehow still wearing pants. She raised her hand to the old man and he pointed at her.

"Are you happy here? Truly very happy with what you have forced yourself to become? When will you realise that you are changing everything about your life besides YOURSELF?" She broke into tears.

The universe felt like it was slowly collapsing inward on to me. The crowds disappeared and out the corner of my eyes I saw the white light. The only figures left standing in front of me were all myself. I checked to see if this was that mirror I had forgotten that I owned but they were very much me. One was very, very sad. Another seemed on the brink of death. Another seemed very, very mad. Not one held a smile. This was going to be a really, really, and I mean really, long five years...