When You Smell A Certain Way For A Long Time You Forget What You Really Smell Like And Why You Smell That Way

At first I had an extremely sinking feeling, like the things that I was trying to avoid and that all piled up over years and years were about to come crashing down upon me. There were so many things that I wanted to remain hidden from everyone, no, mainly from myself. There were things that I wanted to escape from for a prolonged amount of time and things I wanted to desperately, eternally hide from. But there in a long line were all the versions of myself that I had rejected. All the versions of myself that were left behind because I was too subjective about who I wanted to be. There was a familiar scent which trailed my thoughts back to where it had all began.

I was there, so were my parents and three siblings. It was silent, completely and utterly silent, like the silence that cannot be cut by your usual utensils. It was an unspoken rule that when in total, complete silence that no one no matter the circumstance should disturb the 'peace'. But I was not at peace. An inner turmoil like a boiled over pot of water rose within and burst all at once. I was sick of living my life. There was nothing to give and nothing left to gain from repeating. The silence was broken. It was my father that first spoke in a dark and mysterious tone.

"Son, you fear too much with having lived such a short life. There are more terrible things to come, taxes and jobs and unhappy marriages and loneliness after the birth of your children and the death of your passions. I wanted to be a photographer but alas I became a lousy accountant. Perhaps you would follow in my footsteps." The weight of a dream climbed up onto my shoulders and there the small goblin that it was sat. Next was my mother.

"You don't understand what it takes to live, truly, live. To be happy in love is a lie, there was only science and money and power and when I met your father all those things were wasted away. If only I had a second chance to return to those good old times. Before I had children I was able to indulge in all of my hobbies and care less about everyone around me." Her words stabbed me like knives and there the cuts stayed. Next were my siblings.

"I always admired the power and strength of kings and when I grew up to take those positions I had to do it by force. There is no negotiating at the top. There is only greed and hunger for more, more than I can be, more than I will be. Anyone, even you little brother, are enemies."

"I don't need to try. I hardly need to work hard at all. From birth we all knew how talented I was. There is no need to secure a future when it is secured already because of my innate abilities. If only you could understand my dear older brother."

"I always admired everyone for what they wanted to do in life. They all had aspirations and dreams and if you, my brother could live out those dreams I would admire you as well. But let us all be honest. You don't have it in you. It will just go to waste as we all fall into the same habits over and over. You aren't capable of loving or caring or working or trying or taking that next step. You aren't admirable at all." Their words shackled me to the ground. The chains scraped at my feet and slowly dragged me off the edge of a cliff. I was back facing myselves.

They stared at me, each with their own tales to tell. I sat down. Here I would for once take time to listen to what they each had to say. Their lives were lived so that mine could be decided and yet I had tried to play god with my own fate. Why? That is what I slowly found out.

The first had a dramatic tale of an uneventful life filled to the brim with regret. He had won a reward by accident and pure luck but was hated for it. He was tortured and killed by the angry mob that knew not of him, only the singlemost achievement of his life.

The second told me a perverted tale of living out the promised life of our father, a photographer who got lost in his passion and became so addicted to living for his job that he lost everything else. He had traded his pride and friendship for his passion and became so attached to it that he left life at the end of it all. He had refused to change.

The third told me a romantic story of his love for mathematics and science, influenced by his mother, so much so that despite failing he managed to pass through hard work. He fell in love with a woman and even made a friend along the way. Eventually though, his passion like the tale before became corrupted and took over his life. He would choose it over anything else to make him happy. He became part of a vigilante group and was subsequently taken out by a group of pantless people.

The tales went on and on, each one bearing a close resemblance to the conversation that had defined my childhood and my life. It was like I was trying so hard to satisfy each little scar and weight that burdened me. But it took so many of my lives to get no where. I had, they had, never figured out the right way to live. But something seemed unusual about all the stories. There was a small tie that brought us all to witness a moment from my childhood. Like a crowd at a sports game we all stood and watched it play out.

I was walking along the road home when a young girl fell onto the road beside me. I was always told I had no compassion and not a care in the world and yet here I was helping this girl. Risking my life. She stood crying until I handed her my handkerchief. It was stuffed into my pocket along with the strawberries that I'd picked by the river.

"Here use this. It'll be okay, you're safe now, little-girl-who-fell-onto-the-road-that-I-don't-know-the-name-of." She looked at me and smiled.

"It smells like strawberries but... well it is unusual, but... less sweet." She wiped her tears away and gave the cloth back to me. Her eyes were stained red from the tears and the strawberries. She looked into a clear puddle and we both burst into laughter.

"My name is... well that doesn't really concern you does it?" She was extremely beautiful. And so that is what I named her. This one small moment that seemed so insignificant was so delightful and began to breathe smiles into the faces of all the mees that were gathered here. It was like it lit a long lost and forgotten flame into the hearts of everyone. So innocent a memory and yet it had defined one feature we had all kept. Something that was, without a doubt in the world, our own unique thing. It was something that everyone in the galaxy wished to attain but never could. It would with sheer luck only appear to those that did not look for it.

It was a prize that was never needed to be won. I just needed to claim it. I did not need to change everything about myself to become someone that I hated. I did not need to get rid of my pride or keep it too close to me so that I could lose everyone that I cared about. I definitely did not need to feel happy all the time and most certainly I did not need to fight the impossibly huge and humongous tower of talent and hard work.

All of me stood at a fantastical gate, almost like I was about to ascend into heaven or some other plane of existence. I took a deep and long breathe of the air. I paused for a few seconds.

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There was that fragrance again, and this time it smelt unbearably comforting. It was like strawberries but less sweet. And suddenly I faded away.