Feelings

"Do you still love your ex?"

That wasn't the question I expected of him. I didn't quite think he was interested in my ex. I mean for what? Why did he ask me if I still love him? How can I still love him, what will he do? Right now, he's asking me and that made me asked him many more questions in my head. I wouldn't ask him that. If I ask, maybe the crow is white.

He was just looking at me. I don't like the way he stared at me although I love his eyes. It was debilitating for him to think that when I gave up it was the end of everything. I averted my eyes. I looked at the sky. I started counting the stars now. Something I haven't done since.

"The sky is beautiful," I said. Never minding his question. I don't like to answer it either. Even though I know I don't feel for Marxie anymore. Because it's been a long time, we've been done for a long time and I haven't had any feelings for him for a long time. I just don't know him.

I was still looking at the sky. But I saw him look at me. I suddenly feel uncomfortable but I didn't notice it. I just kept looking at the sky. It's starting to count the stars again. How many were there before?

"Can you tell me about your ex?" His voice is deep. I can smell his perfume as the wind blows. I closed my eyes and felt it. There was a few seconds of silence before I answered.

"Why?" I asked. I need to be careful in my words. I don't want to say something to him to be mad.

"I... just want to know," His voice was soft. It seems like any time I will give in to what he says. Shit. I do not like it.

"Why do you want to know?" I asked again. I want to know why. I want to know why he's acting like this. Really? My ex is part of my past. Marxie is already part of my hidden past. Yes, I loved him but there was a limit to that and that's where we ended up together.

"It's not enough to feel, right? Maybe I'll do more the next time. Exert effort so you will see me as me. That the jerk you hated the most, is feeling something that even his self can't define what it is be. " he said.

Various emotions came out of my system but I hid all of them. I just want him to know that ... why me? I know this. I know why he is like this. I'm not numb. But I want to do that to myself first. I don't want to tell him that ... even I myself am confused by what he is saying. Even though I know why he's telling me this. Maybe I'm the one he always sees so that's how he feels about me. Maybe, that, the feeling can be stopped. Coz I don't want to get involved with that feelings.

"Why are you saying this?" I asked. I wanted to explode with excitement and devour the ground but I also wanted to hear his answer. Even though my hands were shaking and my legs were weakening I looked at him.

His eyes we're in deep red. I don't know if it's just because of the light hitting her face or because of her emotion right now.

"So you will know," I don't know but even if the conversation is serious, he still insists on being a philosopher.

"What I mean is, why are you telling me this? Can you please be straight forward-"

"I like you. I really like you, Kane. Please be responsible with my feelings." Right now, I can see how serious he was. Right now, I can see his fear. I thought this boy can live without fear. But look at him now. His eyes were begging me to say something. To say a word. I have to be careful to my words. I can hurt him using that and it would be heart breaking.

"You're just imagining things, James." For the second time. Fuck myself. Fuck the world. Fuck everything. Fuck you. Just fuck the words.

Draw panic in his eyes not because of what I said, but because of the last word I uttered. I can remember myself calling him James himself but I hate my mind for betraying me. That thoughts is only for my mind but fuck my mouth for revealing it without getting any slapped. Damn it.

He looked at me. His still in a serious mood. I don't like that because I get more afraid of him so I can't read what he will do. He walked over to me. I don't know but my heart is beating fast. I don't want it and I don't want it to happen. I last felt it when Marxie and I were together but I ended up crying in the end. Even I had a break. I even remember a classmate that I laughed at because he broke up with his girlfriend. Until such time, I realized that I was like that.

Tsk.

"You're the one who said to be straight forward and here I am, yet your doing nothing about it. Do you want me to prove that?" He immediately approached me so I backed away.

"You're here at my house. You can't do this." I boldly said even though I knew earlier I was a blast because of nervousness.

"What do you think?"

"Please stop it. Why are you like this? We can talk tomorrow and settle these freaking feelings of yours."

He laughed a bit. Damn those perfect teeth. But he didn't budge so I was really irritated. "Stay close to me and I will kick your balls."

His lips rose a bit. He made a chuckled that looked him sexily. Damn it. Why is he doing that?

"Be my guest." I greeted my teeth. He's going back to being the jerk that I hate the most. Because he saw my reaction he immediately appealed. "Kidding. Fine. Promise me you'll talk to me tomorrow."

"Of course-" I would have answered but he preceded me again. "Don't be a stranger, okay?" he said. I just nodded like a submissive child.

He nodded as well. "Good to hear that." He looked at his wrist watch before looking at me again down to my lips. He licked his lower lip before looking the other direction. Fuck. Leave that, please.

"I have to go." he said before kissing my forehead. Damn it. "Take care. You should rest. It's already 9pm You need to sleep." He stated.

"And now you're being possessive! What the hell did you eat? The food is not poisonous!" I could no longer control my emotions. It's been a while.

"We'll just talk tomorrow, okay? Don't shout or else I will-"

"Get that out of here!" I dragged him to our gate. He laughed at my reaction. The madman has been around for a while, there is still a kiss on the forehead.

"Bye," he said before he went inside his car. It was just a second, he's gone in my sight.

I have not yet stepped on someone who spoke behind me. I turned around and saw the two blast blast already. Their faces are already red but they don't stop when they talk about drinking.

"Well, Well, Well," Heart applauded as if he had hit the lottery jackpot.

"Hope true, hope all." Jezley while carrying another bottle of beer. I shook hands with them and approached. I took the bottle from him before I led them inside.