Living With No Heartbeats

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"Who's this purse?" the voice was like a thunder inside his room.

There was a few seconds of silence before someone spoke to them. Fearing to see me inside, I did not realize that I was no longer breathing.

"What do you want?" I heard James ask the interlocutor.

I heard the sound of his shoes. I don't know if he's leaving or what. But this time, I was even more terrified. I was even more sweaty because I was wearing it inside while listening to them and waiting for the next thing to happen.

"You know who I want, Bro."

I was only more intrigued by what I heard. I couldn't believe they were siblings because that was so far from the voice of their conversation. You don't seem to know they're going to bleed. It's more ... it's more frightening for them to talk to my siblings like that.

From his brother's point of view, it was as if he was angry with James. I also couldn't understand why his answer seemed different to me. It seemed so deep. That seems to mean a lot that even I'm scared to find out more.

I tried to be well inside even though I was a little itchy. I didn't do something that would harm me. Especially here I am inside. I don't even understand why James acted like that to send me away, which is dangerous here, I don't know. I know very little. Though, he said it's dangerous here, I can't still find how and why.

I was even more filled with questions when his brother entered. I'm not really familiar with the face. Because I also can't see you from here in his closet and I have no intention of looking just to see him. I might even be damned here. But, the voice. It sent shiver down my spine.

The voice was familiar to me but I can't recall who it was from. But I'm sure I've heard that voice where I am. And I need you to know. But yeah, my mind doesn't function well because of what I heard. I no longer knew what was next.

I'm already shaking inside. Her brother would have been praying to come out because I couldn't do it inside. If they talk, and for a long time, I can't be inside. I will die in the heat here.

"Then, what do you need? Why are you here, instead of asking our father," James's voice weighed in because he knew I could hear him.

The guy chuckled, and I find it really sarcastic. Damn. Why are they talking like this? They can talk nice too! Even though they were just talking, I could already feel the tension of each other. Even though I can't see their faces I know their eyes are fighting! How could I just be out there listening to them?

I can't handle that!

I'm just leaving.

I wanted to kick James' closet but I knew I couldn't do that. I just wish I had done it. I was also the only one who harmed myself especially since I was not in my place. I might die here on twitter if they both go on!

"Our father, huh?" He give emphasis in every words he said.

"Then, if you're here to pissed me off, you're done. You can go now," James said in a monotone voice.

I didn't know he had such a hidden voice! That's more frightening compared to the typical voice he becomes when we talk. I was even more terrified because of that.

The person he was talking to laughed again. It's been a while since I've laughed even though nothing is funny. When I actually saw it, I did. Stop me, my vision is darkened by this one even though I haven't seen his face yet. Thick maybe so like that. But because he's James Langford brother, I can't deny he is a good looking too. But who now, right?

What's the use of my handsome crazy head?

Thank you, next.

"Not so fast, Bro. Are you going to let me go now? Sometimes you just leave me here, and don't give a damn. Hmm," I was even more terrified by what I heard.

This man's problem? I'm pissed right now! I want to punch your brother James.

You're a jerk but he's a damn asshole.

"Because I'm sleepy. I have things to work on. Just go and leave me alone." James voice was calm that made me breathless. Damn it.

Is this how they talk? They are like using a logic emotions! And here I am, the stupid one trying to figure out what would be the answer.

"Say it,"

"What would I say? And please don't call me that," he was a little irritated now.

I can't see his reaction but I can feel his anger.

I heard him blow his breath.

"You're so selfish, do you?"

"I am not." James answered immediately.

What is their topic again? What the hell? I can't relate to the two of them! Every minutes, because they're talking to their own language. The only thing that made them consistent right now is the way they talk and answer. What's with that logic?

I felt like I was immersed in the two of them.

I'm going to be a lawyer and then I can't understand it?

Damn it.

"Then, look what you did. You're a fucking asshole. After all is that just because you love him? That's foul. You used us for your own damn happiness. Is that really your happiness, bro? Or shall I make a move now so you can forget about it?"

Do you love him Who? I still don't understand them now. Asshole? Dude, your describing yourself. And uh, James, your brother is an asshole. I wish you could tell him but how am I going to do that? Not even finally breathing I have difficulty inside here. I'm soaking wet with sweat. It's like I'm taking a bath here. Whatever. But it's still the fault of James' asshole brother. I'm just one but I really don't feel him. Too arrogant. But he's voice I really heard that somewhere. I just don't remember. Damn it. "That's why I'm pulling off, right? How will you say this to me if you were doing the same thing?"

James said. "I'm doing this so you can forget her, Bro." his brother replied. His voice was sarcastic. "And how about you? I don't even give a damn about your business so fuck off on mine." James in a hard voice. "I'm just here, so you can also forget about her. With that, I can get her." Dammit! I didn't understand what this gecko was saying! The only thing I understood was purely 'her.' I want to go out and give him a peace sign before slapping him in the face. It just seems impossible now. I heard their footsteps but I didn't know what would happen between them. Is this really how men respond? "Don't ever do that. Or else you will forget the world. And stop calling me kuya, because I know you never mean it. You're just a piece of fuck for me." I could no longer restrain myself from looking at them. I know only James knows I'm here but I have a hunch that his brother is just catching him.

"Ask yourself, you devil." My eyes were blurry because of tears.

Damn this asshole. Damn him!

He knew.

I did not come near. I kept my distance from the unconscious or alive that James.

* * *

5 years later...

I can still remember...

everything...

I wish I wasn't there to know every detail. How he shouted my name. How he begged. How he tried to fight. How he struggle. But I also wish that time, I have strength to face that fucking criminal. And I was like a useless hiding inside the closet like a puppet. I wish I wasn't there. But I also wish I was with him fighting so I can protect him the same way he did.

All these years the wound is still fresh in my mind. I can hear there voices, shouting. Though, I was very guilty to know that I am with him but I did nothing. It was like a horrible incident I want to forget.

Tears escape from my eyes. The air blew my hair. The sun is already rising. The sunlight was like focused on me. I was like drowning every moment. It was happened like a yesterday and I'm still mourning inside and feel may deep pain. Causing my chest to hurt more and can't breath easily.

I cried a lot when that incident happened. Who doesn't? The criminal was very shocked of what he did to his brother. Damn him. He was a devil. He should be the one who will die in the end. But literally, he's dying in jail now. Whatever happens to him. He deserve it. He was familiar because I saw him in Boracay.

Somehow I patched everything together. Although many are lacking. Although many more misunderstood. I still have many questions that only James can answer. How could I not have been to him before? How come Heart didn't call me? How could I really have my pride then and I didn't get to go to him? Can I just hear him like that? This is ridiculous! I really can't imagine! I don't want to believe until now.

Yes I have a shortcoming in him, as I am. But what happened to him affected me. Because I was the last one he was with before that happened. It wasn't just any fear I felt for him. I was also afraid to myself that I was to blame for everything because I was the last person he was with.

When Mommy and Daddy and I were on vacation. I remember that asshole. He was the one with the DSLR to take pictures of me. I remember when he said, he will send me my pictures from him. He did. But because he is asshole, instead of sending on me, he sent in to his brother, James Ivan Langford.

James Lawrence Langford is a fucking devil.

James lied to me when I asked him if he was alone then. All he said was he's with his friend. But his brother was with him. Though, they are not close. Just like his daddy, they can't lose anymore. They are against each other. But what led to life? Kill one's own blood? That's beyond the wood.

I will never forgive him.

The first time I heard about him, my mind is spinning. I feel the pain. It's starting to blew my head inside. I can't recall anything because I was in trauma. I used to visit psychiatrist to help myself. It was my downfall.

I failed in my studies. I didn't pass the BAR actually. I was forced to take the BAR even though I know myself I can't. I did, but it wasn't enough. My brain didn't function well. I'm drowning. I used to blame myself for being useless. What will I do? I was about to die right there in his closet as I saw him bloody. He was fighting yes. But he wasn't ready for that scene. It's his brother. Why in the dynamic crowd. Why is he still related? The incident was very fresh for me until now, what for ... that time right. I was like watching a live film of how to murder people.

* * *

"Stop blaming yourself. It's not your fault. You don't want that either. Nobody likes what happened, Kane. So, please stop that. Don't blame yourself for fuck's sake." Si Heart.

I let out a deep breath. I moved quickly with Marxie as well as I moved slowly with what happened. That was etched in my mind. No matter how many times I bump I can get hurt, yes. But what happened will not be lost. The ones I witnessed. That will stay in my mind.

"You should visit your psychiatrist, Kane. You need it. Although, we're here for you, you need it too. Just remember we're always here no matter what. Through your ups and downs, we're not leaving you .We are not called best friends we don't. All you have to do now is relax. Don't stress yourself. Turn yourself to something else. And don't think about what makes you down. Embrace yourself. You are Kane Natalie Heon, no one can ever beat. You stronger girl. " Jezley cheer me up.

"Some left you hanging but it's not an ending. Perhaps, this was just starting, Kane. Be strong. Be strong. Because we believe that you are strong. That you can do it. Just believe in this," he pointed out to your heart.

My tears escape from my eyes. I can't help to cry in front of them. I am thankful to have them. They are my treasure. They are the one who's cheering me up.

It's really different when they're true to you. Because you can feel them. It's not that I'm asking for sympathy, but it's okay for these two to be with me. I have a problem compared to many of you, but not all of them are true. That's why I value those friendship.

I never wanted to have a platoon of friends. All I want is true to me. The one who won't leave me even if I'm at the peak of my life. Because if they did, that's worst.

All these years, all I want is peace. I deserve that after all what I experience. Sometimes, I just can't really miss to think about what happened.

But because I am living, I have to be productive in my life. That starting today, I'm gonna make a change. Not change for revenge. But a change for a better.

I thought my life will end very short. But He forgave me. All have I done wrong. He still forgave me. He is the power.

And today right now I am hoping that he is happy in there. I know he's watching me from above. I am thankful to have him in a short period of time.

Even if I don't give him the love he wants from me, he will still remain in my heart.

He wanted to be my heartbeats. And right now he's gone, so do I.

The only difference is that... I am living with no Heartbeats.

Because my heartbeats is now living in above.