A GLIMPSE OF YESTERDAY

I woke up in a nightmare again in the middle of the night. My heart was pounding so badly. I had tears in my eyes for the nth time. That nightmare is still chasing me as if I was not forgiving enough for what I had done before.

"Hey, everything fine?" Edge asked while comforting me.

"I-I just had my n-nightmare again. Sorry to wake you up." I apologize.

"Is it about what we have done before again?" He asked in confirming tone.

"I-I guess so." I said in discomfort.

"They all forgave us now and then, love. We already repay our betrayal for them before. We both suffered in the process of repaying it, especially you, but look at us now ...we have their trust and acceptance again even though it was not like before. You know they love you so much. Please, forgive yourself now, love. I do not like seeing you like this. Please?" He assured me with a hug.

I was crying all night until I fell asleep again in his arms.

Edge greets me with a peck on the forehead and breakfast in bed that he prepared himself.

"Good morning, love."

"Morning." I yawned.

"How is your sleep?" He asked.

"Tired and sleepy?" I said while scratching my forehead like a sleepy head.

"But you just wake up, love." He commented.

I nodded in silence while I started eating my breakfast, and he just sat beside me.

"I'm free today. Do you want me to drive to your workplace today and fetch you after your classes so that we would have a dinner date tonight?" He said.

"If you insist it, sure, of course, we can do it today." I answered without arguing with him about it.

"About last night, did you remember it?" He asked in a halftone.

I checked myself and still wearing my clothes last night.

He noticed my reaction, and he chuckled a bit; "That is not what I meant, you silly. We did nothing else last night. You woke up in the middle of the night again by your nightmare and crying for the nth time until you fall asleep again." He explained.

"I do not remember anything about that." I denied it right away because I remember it crystal clear, but I prefer not to speak about it.

"If you say so, finish your breakfast while I clean my car and then do your morning routines before we head to the school." He commanded

I nodded.

I wore my usual school uniform and shoes. Before heading to the garage, I handed along my handbag, water tumbler, laptop bag, and other school necessities.

"Let me help you with that." Edge offered before getting almost my stuff and living the water tumbler to me.

"Thanks." I said when I sat on the passenger seat.

"You're welcome." He responded.

He drove away after closing the gate, and we were heading to the school.

"Why are you free today?" I asked while checking my stuff in my handbag.

"They don't need me in the site today, but I told them to call if there is something happened there." He answered.

I nodded, but suddenly my phone rang and excusing myself to him.

"Hello, Kristine?" I greeted.

"No, Heaven. Are you still at home?" Kristine asked.

"No, I'm on my way to school. Why?" I answered.

"You did not receive the notice from the head last night?" She asked.

"What kind of notice?" I asked in confusion.

"The classes today were canceled due to bomb threat that received by the owner last night, so they decided to investigate it today." She explained.

I asked Edge to pull over the car right away.

"Wait, I will check my e-mails and chat room if I receive it." I said to Kristine.

"Okay, I hang up now. Take care!" She ended the call.

I checked up on my phone, and I received it, but maybe I was already falling asleep when they sent it last night, and I was unable to check my phone earlier because I was busy checking my stuff.

"What is wrong? Did you forget anything at home? You gonna be late now." Edge asked.

"I… I don't have classes today. According to Kristine, our head was already been canceled the night before, and I was unable to read it right away earlier, I was busy with my stuff. Let's go home now." I explained.

But my phone rang again.

"Hello, Venice?" I greeted.

"We don't have classes today. Did you plan to go to your therapist?" She immediately asked.

I looked at Edge while driving us back to my house.

"Edge told me about what happened to you last night." She added.

"I'm fine. But I guess I will go there today to assure you." I answered.

"Okay, okay, call me if you need me." And she hangs up.

I turned to Edge, and we were already at my house.

"I made my appointment with Doctor Sasha today, my therapist. If you don't mind, can you take me there today?" I hesitantly asked.

"My pleasure, love. Whenever you want to go, I will take you there." He answered.

I excused myself to him to go into the house to change my clothes into casual ones.

"Let's go." I said after 30 minutes.

On our way, I message my therapist about my sudden appointment to her today, and she said that I could come over anytime there. After an hour of driving, we walked inside the clinic after Edge parked his car, and the receptionist was already approaching us straight to the office of Doctor Sasha like VIP clients.

"Good morning, Miss Heaven, Engineer Sullivan." Doctor Sasha greeted us.

We greeted her back after we settle down on the couch.

"How are you, Miss?" She asked.

"As usual, I'm tired and sleepy. I've been in the same nightmare again these past few nights like I was still chasing by it." I honestly answered.

"Do you want to talk about it now?" She asked for my permission.

I nodded, and she motioned for me to lie down on the psychiatrist's couch while directing me on what I needed to do.

"What do you remember about that nightmare? Can you tell me what happened?" She asked.

"I …I was living in a nightmare that chasing me until now." I started.

"When does this nightmare happen?" She approached.

"I-It has happened years ago. I wasn't prepared to tell the truth. I was shaking in discomfort and guilt. I betrayed them. I made a mistake thrice by forgetting what I promised to them like I've eaten up all words that I said them before it happened." I explained like I felt the pain again.

"Can you tell me again what this mistake you made before is?" She asked.

"I lost the v-card to Edge as early as now without assurance to our relationship before. We both committed a mistake that we promised not to do at that age that time. I know it was too early for us to do it that time because we were starting a life for ourselves and our future. At that moment, I had lost their trust. I lost touch with the persons who had been my foundations of strength. They were betrayed by me. I was too guilty back then. I suffered a lot because I lost it that early. I was at a legal age, but I could not escape from their hurtful words about what I've done like he already made me pregnant at that time, but I am not, and we just both lost our virginity. I'm losing myself again. I've fallen into stress, depression, anxiety, and an unhealthy body. I've had a breakdown because I had been hospitalized for weeks, as far as I recall. But years passed of repaying my betrayal, it still chasing me." I told the pain of the challenges of our relationship.

"Can you tell me again who the persons that you've promised with were?" She asked.

"M-My closest relatives that we made them disappointed with us especially to me." I shortly answered.

"Do you think they already forgive you now? Did you feel that they accepted you again regardless of what happened before? Did you gain their trust again even a little bit?" She showered me with a lot of questions.

"I-I know they love me after what our mistakes before. I already had their acceptance and forgiveness, but their trust ...I think little by little I'm still gaining it now. We were just laughing about it now, but still, it was awkward." I smiled a bit.

"Did you forgive yourself now?" She suddenly asked.

I was stunned and can't say a word or two.

Did I forgive myself after the years passed?

I started crying when I realized a thing.

"I think that's the reason why your nightmare is still chasing you. You need to let go of the past now that you made a mistake. We are not perfect at all. We all committed a mistake thrice but it means we were still growing as a person. You already repay it before now and then. You have to forgive yourself now. You need to be better than yesterday, Miss Heaven." She explained.