17.

Stray...Dan.

What. The. Fuck.

What the fuck! I was one of them. And I was on the other side, too. These people abducted me the first time I came to the Gray, but they were like family after I lost…I lost…what was his name again? C'mon, Dan. Tick. That was his name. These people were here for me through and through, but Hera spoke about the Gatekeepers like they were demons. The Gatekeepers talk like the people in the Gray were demons.

Which one am I?

But…neither of them were demons. Or were both of them demons and I'm too deep into this shit to see which the better side is?

My heart was in my ears, slamming away at my eardrums and making me woozy. Breathing was getting harder like the air had suddenly become liquid. Sick. That's what I feel. I hadn't eaten, and thank God, I don't need a sewer repeat.

I was sick of myself. What's the point? I'd been trained to kill by both sides. Because of this damn thing in my spine. Everything was about this thing in me. Tick was dead. Mei was dead. How many others because of this thing in me? No. I'll stop shoving the blame. I fucked up. Not the Unit. Two strikes down.

My metal hands shook. In my eyes the black metal was rusting and raw from all the blood, in the glass reflection in the opposite wall they were clean and spotless. Perfect. Brand new.

I didn't feel brand new.

Mei seemed happy. She wasn't humming, but she was still smiling and watching. Like this was all a show she loved so much. Maybe she was happy. Maybe she did enjoy seeing me in pain because…because I'd been her friend and I'd killed her. And yet, she still hugged me and smiled when I did.

The door hazed apart, and a girl stepped through. Green hair starker than any grass I'd ever seen, a pale green satchel hung off of her shoulder. A stud in her ear. Next: a giant of a man. He had to duck to step into the room, a black guy with dreads with hair cut down to the skin on the side. Finally: a girl that smelt of honey and roses. Platinum blonde hair swinging to her back and draping over the right side of her face. A pair of aviator hung from her collar, the right lens cracked, alongside another perfect pair on her head. Taller than the green haired girl, shorter than the boy with dreads. Saia, Draco, and Kira. My friends. Or…used to be my friends.

They lined the glass window opposite my bed. All of them had their arms crossed. Kira's was tighter around her body, like she was trying to cover herself up. I wouldn't get why, her arms were strong. Like Tohka's. She must be a shooter like her as well.

Mei stood next to Saia, arms crossed as well.

My gut twisted. I forced saliva down my dry throat, the acidic taste creeping into my mouth drying it instantly. Okay. I can do this. They'll…understand, right?

"I'm sorry." Barely audible and catching in my throat. Tears hot in my eyes. I cleared my throat. "I'm sorry."

Saia pushed off of the wall and slowly walked towards me. Her baggy shirt and combat trousers swaying with each step. It took an eternity, my heart compensating and ramping up its pace. Were they going to kill me? Kira had black guns strapped to her thighs. Draco could snap me in half without much effort. Whatever Saia was carrying in her bag was clinking. She was a poisons expert apparently. One jab of a needle and that would be that. And after what I'd done to them…staggering into the Gray two years ago and ending up with a friend killed and another swapping sides, and then killing another one of them…maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing.

They wouldn't fight over the Unit at least. And all my problems have stemmed from this thing. It could have been my imagination, but the Unit sent a prick of pain down my spine as Saia came to a stop in front of me.

I looked up at her. She looked down at me. Her face didn't show anything, deep brown eyes as hollow as I felt.

The slap came; quick and harsh. The pain was jarring, sending the balancing tears across my face. Right over the scars Grace had given me. If they were all going to slap me, the stitches would give. At least I'd bleed out. Least I deserved.

She brought her arms up and I braced for a punch.

They wrapped around my head and she pressed me against her chest. She was heaving, trying not to cry. A hug. A freaking hug. Not again. I can't do this again. Not after Mei. I didn't deserve that. I deserved to drop off the bridge again. I should have been swept away from by the river instead of being saved by Kira. She'd cradled me to the other side. The vague memory of Draco carrying me played in my subconscious.

I pushed away from Saia and stood up, shakily stepping away from the trio. Tears were soaking my hospital gown's collar. I didn't care. Why the hell were they being like this? What I deserved wasn't a hug. I'd wandered into their lives and screwed them over.

I slid down the wall and sat. Another tug in my gut, I'd been in this position before. These three in the room, hospital bed to my right, in my eyes covered in pungent smelling blood. Where? Where had I…of course I can't remember.

"Hey…Dan." Kira pushed off the wall and stood by Saia.

"Look, I'm really, really sorry." Full on water works now. Mei was brushing my hair back and humming. "It wasn't…it was me. Alright? I just didn't know what to do. I wanted it to be all over and…and the Unit and the flashing lights and Grace." I gripped onto my hair and choked on the air not getting to my lungs. "I'm sorry."

Saia zipped her bag open and brought out a glass bottle. They were going to brain me. Okay, I can work with that. Draco could do it, and it would be over before I knew it.

The bottle had a thick blue liquid on it. No labels. Draco took out three small glasses, passing one to Kira, keeping one for himself, and pressing the last into my palm. The bottle's top popped off, releasing a sour-sweet smell into the room, pushing aside the sharp smell of cleaning products. Saia poured a bottle of water into her own small glass, earning a raised eyebrow from Kira.

She lifted it into the air, the crystal catching the white light above us and casting a rainbow over the room. "To Mei." They said in unison. Like they'd done it before. They dipped their heads back and swallowed.

Mei sighed and smiled.

My heart dropped into my gut. The glass dropped from my grip onto the white floor. It didn't break, it spilled and rolled, coming to a clinking stop at Kira's boots.

Draco muttered, "He's exactly the same as the day we found him."

"Gone soft," Saia added.

Kira avoided my eye contact. "We're going to have to show him the ropes again. Pain in the ass but we need him." Her final sentence directed at me. It sounded heavier than just words.

"Don't you guys care that I killed your friend?!" I snapped. They were taking it lightly. Like they didn't care. Like it happened all the time. "Just kill me already. Get it freaking over with."

Kira crouched and picked up the glass. She forced it back into my hands, her hair parted for a second, revealing a golden iris. The rest of her eye was black. It was stunning. She brushed her hair back in place, cleared her throat, and filled the glass again. "Look. We don't want to kill you. At all."

"I do."

"Apart from Saia," she continued. "But this is what we do. The fact that we've actually turned nineteen is astonishing in itself." She smiled to herself and shook her head. "A talent I guess. But this is what we signed up for. We didn't think Mei would get killed by one of us, but when you killed her, you weren't one of us. You weren't you."

I put the glass down and stood up. Dizzy, but I couldn't take this anymore. "What the hell do you mean it's what we signed up for? So we just go around dying for what?" No answer from anyone. "I was me when I killed her! I'm Dan Fallow. I know that part at least. And I knew what I was doing. I knew who I was in that moment."

"You knew who you were in that moment but not who you actually were." Kira pressed her arms into her chest. "You always told me used to get nightmares. Guessing you still get them?"

I nodded slowly. Cautiously. I didn't need another bombshell.

"Exactly. And you didn't know what they meant. You weren't your full self."

"Does the Unit count as me too?" I muttered. "Because everything I seem to do with this freaking thing gets ruined."

She shrugged. "Can't answer that. Only you can."

Cycle of questions, answers, questions, and then answers. Could someone just give me a straight ANSWER? Just once would be nice. Hunter. Hera. Kira. Saia. Mei. Draco. All of them have an answer to at least one question I have, but all they do is answer with a statement that leads up to another question.

But she had a point. Only I could answer that. And the Unit wasn't something separate from me. Remove it and I'd die. We were the same thing. It had been with me ever since I'd been dragged away from that small cell. It had watched everything, but told me nothing. It had answers. But I didn't know how to get them. Grace might have, but she just wanted to use me. The lesser Fallow.

I was the problem. Not the Unit. The Unit doesn't make me throw knives into my friend's hearts. It just shows me how.

Disgusting. Worse than Hunter.

Get rid of me, get rid of the Unit, and get rid of all the problems. If not all of them, a lot of them.

The door hazed open again and Tohka tumbled through. "Touch me like that again and I'd stuff my boot up your…" She got to her feet and scanned the room. She was drenched and dirty. Her – my – black trousers and shirt were shredded, face cut and hair mangled. But she was alright. Okay, I hadn't completely messed up. Two strikes down, but not yet out.

Yet.

Kira had her guns in her fists in under a second. Safety off, guns cocked, and large barrels humming as she levelled them at Tohka. Draco was on his feet and towered over her. Saia slid a blue vile from one of her trouser pockets. Tohka slid her hand behind her back and brought the silver desert eagle up, her breaths were shaky and uneven, but the gun was steady and sliding between the three of them.

"Who the hell are you?" Kira growled.

"Could ask you the same thing," she growled back.

"Guys-"

"Name. Now." Draco flexed his hands.

"Guys-"

"Hera didn't say anything about a new recruit," Saia shot. "Guess I can test out some new acid."

"GUYS," I shouted. Deep breaths, shaky, but deep. Fighting all the fucking time wherever I go. Just once, peace. I needed that. I needed to think. But guns were always raised wherever I went. "Cut it out." I stood between Kira and Tohka. Both of them hesitantly snapped their safety on, but didn't drop their guns or glares. "Everyone, Tohka. Tohka…almost everyone."

"What, she your girlfriend or something?" Kira asked, words short and sharp.

"Why would it matter to you?" Tohka answered.

"I SAID CUT IT OUT." Deep breath, get the hair out of my face, push their gun barrels to the floor. "She isn't my girlfriend. She's a friend from the Island."

"How can we trust her?" Draco asked, sizing her up. "Hera's about to move. Can't have another Jin situation." He added, "We've had a bad run with two faced people in the last couple years."

"Would I look like this if I was a spy?" Tohka sniped. "I threw away everything because of Dan."

Another life ruined. Go Team Dan.

I raised my hands. "Let's just all take a deep breath. Tohka, where's the jackass."

"Hunter disappeared as soon as we crossed the river." She eyed Kira but put away the gun. Smart. "I was bagged and dragged over here."

"Who's Hunter?" Saia asked.

Kira muttered, "Hera's balance. Now I get it."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Saia asked. "Are we killing her or not?" She twisted the vial between her fingers. "Because I have a lot of unresolved shit that I need to deal with."

"Hunter's a jackass. That's who he is."

"I'm Dan's brother. That's who I am." In the chaos, Hunter and Hera had silently walked in. They were leaning against the far wall near the door. The gold cross around Hera's neck sparkled, the silver around Hunter's gleamed. His sharp silver contact lenses pulsing the same way Hera's did. Hera a little shorter, but bigger in presence.

They had an aura of danger and suffering. Of death and chaos. But they also felt incomplete. They stood like they were expecting someone else on the left of Hera. Like there was one more piece to the puzzle that hadn't arrived yet. Or was never going to.

He smiled. "It's a pleasure."