Prologue

"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you."

― Friedrich Nietzsche

Prologue

Every day is like a curse. I wake up with my heart and soul heavy with choices I made so long ago it shouldn't even matter now. Everything hurts. Hurts so much that I'm about to break if I don't do something. Cigarettes used to take the edge off, now they just feel like rot in my mouth as I try to remember why they felt so good. Looking at the old package I just toss them in frustration, so much frustration the small garbage can wobbles around a couple times before returning to its still state. Looking at the garbage like it's my enemy, I wait until it halts to look away once more to the city below me.

Nothing changes, same old sins and annoyance. I almost forget what it was like to be carefree and laughing. What does my laugh even sound like? Anything that resembles one now is just a mockery of whatever it used to be. Even strange things that used to thrill me now seem so contrary and annoying. Books, flowers, or even a simple flirtation by a decent looking guy are all things that I find to be unnecessary.

Just a year ago I was that college senior that thought the world was my oyster, now I realize I'm the dirt under people's shoes. And there's nothing I can do about it.

Sighing a deep breath, the window I lean my head on clouds as the rain poured. How long it had been raining would be anyone's guess, but it seemed to feel the same as my soul. The heavy rain was almost deafening against the window, but I didn't have the heart to move. Perhaps the rain would know how to calm me once more. Embrace me somehow because it knows how I feel.

Touching the window where my breath left the condensation, I find myself making a small heart out of an old whim. Maybe the old me is still here somewhere, but suddenly it's wiped clean and my palm cold and wet with the aftermath. As if to erase the hope before it manifested too deep.

Something had changed in that moment. Moving my head ever so slowly it's almost like I woke up once more. Suddenly, I reach for a napkin that was crumpled up and anything to write with. A pen nearby would do. And like that, just like that the clouds parted, and the rain let up as my pen touched the irreversibly bent paper. It was time for my return to society.

One Year Later

Waiting for the speed train, I sighed as I stood on the boarding platform hearing the cicadas in the distance. In the city there was very little grass, just isolated bits of vegetation or a tree here and there. My parents fled to the city years ago when it was in development. The world was changing and we were guaranteed to be safe here. That's what was promised back then.

There was a ring over the intercoms as they always did every hour to tell the news. "A gruesome attack happened last night in the eighth district. Details are coming in saying how it was an isolated attack. A revenge plot against an old lover that turned brutally violent. The victim was a healthy thirty year old business man who worked out of the second ward. He is survived by his wife and two children. In other news..."

But what we ended up getting in return for our isolation was being trapped. Trapped by whoever wanted to be the bigger fish in a small pond. I refused to continue this pattern of being the victim. Change wouldn't happen overnight, but someone had to stop the madness here. Maybe a spark was all we needed.

My thoughts were interrupted as the speed train pulled up, igniting a blast of wind that knocked my baseball cap off my head. Looking up, I chased it down while avoiding the crowd. I could always feel eyes looking at me. Even now as I brushed off my cap and smiled doing so, I could feel them. I suddenly had the feeling I just wanted to be home. However, I still had some thing to do before I would be able to do that. The day was still young and I was still breathing, eyes on me or not.