Blood written memories

Buried in my thoughts like a corpse in a grave, that is what I was. And then I turned my head and...

Aurora was lying on the floor, blood puddling from her nose, her head and her stomach. I wanted to scream or sob but no sound came out of my mouth. Some huge force was pushing me to curl up against my own body, moan and wail and howl like a wolf in pain. In an ultimate attempt, I take her pulse but I feel nothing. NOTHING. My only friend is dead, and I was too distracted to be there. Too focused on a cause that was out of my control, while I could have lived peacefully with those phenomenons whatever they were meant to be called.

Eventually, the whole staff arose from a distance and my heart started aching with sadness, guilt and shame. I could tell that any second, they would measure and judge me for how irresponsible and reckless I turned out to be. How wouldn't they? If I were them I'd judge me too. Salty tears started covering my face, my neck, my sticky lashes made it harder for me to shut my eyelids. Because all I wanted was to sleep; and forget. Forget that this was an ultimate betrayal of mine towards a person that counted more than most of the others.

I wanted to seek reassurance from Brian, but it was kinda useless as he would need it himself. I was a traitor, should I even show up? My arms hurt from picking at them for too long, my nails must be covered in germs from all the chewing by now.

Without a single hesitation, I got upstairs, shut down the lights, and cried myself to sleep, but It didn't work. All I could see was the fact I screwed up. I couldn't close my eyelids without having a tear rolling out again. Once I forget which mistake was it that I made, my first reaction is to wait for her so she'd say it'd all be fine. But then I realize the crime I'm guilty of is making her unavailable forever.

I knock on Brian's door. I need him.

"Please. I can't talk right now."

"Do you...forgive me?"

"That's not my word to say. She's the dead one, not me."

His tone is cold. He lies on his back, but then sees that I'm still at the door.

"Cecilia, please."

The only person who used to call me Cece is gone now. I turn back to where I came from.

There is one person who can still lift me up now.

I knock on his door, and he soon opens it. He looks at me with sad eyes.

"I don't want pity, please."

"Come in, then."

He sets his kitchen table and makes two coffee mugs, full enough to strengthen my insomnia. Regardless, I take one, hoping the bitterness would numb my thoughts. He stares at me deeply, then says:

"You have to figure out who did it."

"The street is large enough, anybody could've killed her."

"You have enough evidence, I believe, to start some research." His jaw tightened. "Stop looking too narrowly, Cecilia. You have to pull yourself together again."

Eyebrows frowned, eyes wrinkled and folded, a visible lump in his throat, he was facing my mess with me, almost like... a father would.

"Look, girl, you are going to find out the bastard who finished Aurora. You'll find him, and this way, alleviate your pain and the others'. You hear me? It's MANDATORY. You won't be wasting your time forever, okay?"

I nod, mechanically but frantically. He told me what was simultaneously the first and the last thing I wanted to hear at the time. But I was still dying from the inside, having that huge growl starting from nowhere and fatally lighting me heart up. So I stay over and sleep at my dad's lodge, because the nightmare I lived is never really going to leave my mind. Because maybe, getting his help with this huge nightmare will counteract him being absent during all the small ones.

Everytime I close my eyes, I still see her blood, red and shiny, that should've been running in her veins, making her strong, building her up. But instead, it was poured and dropping, droplet after droplet, on the cold, paved sidewalk. Because I had been distracted enough to make such a thing happen.

The following morning, nobody dares to look me straight in the eyes. Funny how Aurora sounded odd to them just a few hours ago, and now she's become like a relative, just when they had a scape goat to throw under the bus. I have my breakfast bagel listening to the rythm of people's breaths. My heart aches but I honestly can't find any quick fix to the situation. I can't bear holding anyone's gaze - supposing they do look at me in the first place -, so I write Suzy a letter to tell her I'm going back to my place. My mom shall stay. She does not deserve to lose her life because of a stupid mistake of mine.

I gather my belongings, alongside random pictures of Aurora, all of them - not so surprisingly - taken of her during her Badass mode. I wept and didn't try to restrain it, it was now too late to play it cool as I was already implicitely rejected.

But then I remembered ; I had nowhere to go before the killer was found, by me and me only. So I ran to Suzy's room, teared the awful letter apart. I put my clothes on the shelves and in the drawers again, somehow enjoyed being in the public eye a little more. Because, maybe, soon enough I would become famous for revenge, revenge for the only real friend I ever had.