forward, soldier.
"Why am I so afraid to lose you,
when you aren't even mine?"
*
*
*
"Good work everyone! Thank you so much, Mr Xie, it was lovely working with you."
Mingzhou put the lens cap back onto his very expensive camera and smiled back at the young model, "you did a great job too."
The freshly high-school graduate model blushes and bows at him before they scurried out at the call of their manager. Behind them was a trail of dirt, spilling from the sole of their shoes.
He looked around him, at the mountains and grass, knee-high paddy growing at a distance. His hometown had never felt so liberating. To twelve year old Mingzhou, home was his parent's three-bedroom house, until he discovered that home could be anything he found comfort in.
He hastily brushed away the direction his thoughts were wandering into, a dangerous territory that took the form of a tall man with the brightest smile, choosing to snap pictures of the wondrous location on his phone instead. A reminder and distraction from what he doesn't have and will never have.
His work was getting exciting, finally having picked up pace after the first three years of his post-grad. As an independent 26 year old under the wings of a huge magazine company, Mingzhou felt at home.
The drive back to the hotel was fairly boring. The ride to the shoot was exciting, with him trying to map his hometown back into his memory, but the uneven roads were finally etching themselves into the planes of his back as he hit the car handle for the fourth time when his driver tried to dodge yet another pot-hole.
Bored of the same old honking of angry cabbies on the highway, he unlocked his phone to a few texts from his mother.
Ma: xiao zhou! look!!
Ma: [image attached]
She was standing in front of a dark blood red poster, with Junfei's face scaled in the centre. His eyebrows were drawn, lips pursed, head tilted in a way that he knew made fangirls and fanboys go insane (he had seen the many "thirst posts" flood his timeline. Needless to say, he had only somewhat agreed) and his hair had been dyed to a platinum blonde.
Wei Junfei.
Not now, he clenched his teeth, demanding his body to not react out of its own accord.
It had been a while now, hadn't it.
It had been two full years.
*
*
*
Junfei's first-ever role was that of a best friend of the lead.
His persistence and hard work paid off rather grandly and he was suddenly one of the hottest commodities of the Korean industry, his charming talents and pretty face drawing people in like moths to a flame. Soon his agency was being contacted by various directors asking him to audition for the lead roles.
Junfei's agency was also surprisingly very respectful of his relationship with Wonhyuk and was also quite supportive of it. According to Junfei, they thought the relationship would be a healthy diversion from toxic media and any dating scandals that could arise.
"I just wish I could tell the entire world that Wonhyuk and I are dating," he griped to Mingzhou over a bottle of champagne. An expensive bottle that wasn't from the small liquor store he used to frequent, the one near his alma mater.
"You can," Mingzhou slurred, his words rushing out of his mouth with misplaced certainty. He was drunker than he had expected to get. "At that award show next month. If you win..."
He couldn't recall what he had said next, or if he had even continued that sentence.
Moths that get drawn to a flame drop dead sooner or later.
~x~
The following Monday was one of busy calls and excitable chatter.
Even after being a part of Communique for over a year and a half, he didn't get any less starry-eyed when he walked into the beautifully decorated lobby area, the plush carpeting cushioning the sound of his heeled boots.
He walked past the social media manager's office room, where he heard her feverish whispers over the phone.
"Book him. Block his schedule for the next two days." She urged, loud enough for him to hear when he settled his things onto his workstation. "Speak to his PA and make sure that we're the first ones to snatch him up for this shoot."
Mingzhou powered his PC on and spent the first few minutes looking through the final copies of his last shoot with Song Seonho. The editor-intern had emailed him the pictures on Saturday, but he had been way too hungover to open the email.
The background was filled with his coworkers gossiping about something.
Mingzhou next went through layout options for the exclusive spread. As a unique case of being an Art director and photographer, his own workdays were packed down to the T.
He heard the clicking of her heels before he saw her. Shin Seohyun, the social media manager, was standing in front of his desk with a smile so wide her lipstick had smudged at the corner. He blinked at her in confusion.
The news he received from her made everything fall into place. The flurry of whispers in the elevator. The hustle-bustle in the office. Seohyun's phone call.
~x~
On Wednesday he saw Junfei in one of the fancy shooting rooms, reserved for exclusive events.
Junfei's appearance was a stark contrast to the marble flooring, glittering chandelier and colourful set as a backdrop. His white button-down and brown slacks were plain against the rainbow colour palette he was standing in front of.
"Xiao Zhou," Junfei approached him with a wide smile.
Mingzhou thought the surroundings were dull compared to Junfei's presence.
The wardrobe stylist gawked at them both before shooting Mingzhou a look that read 'why didn't you tell me that you both were on pet-name terms and what will it take for you to introduce me to him.'
He rolled his eyes as she ushered Junfei away into a dressing room, to wear the outfit that she had designed. She already had the honour of dressing the lead of Opulence, why was she asking for more. Mingzhou hadn't.
He got his camera ready and fussed around with the lights a little bit. That raised a few brows, of staff and stylists who knew that Minzhou was quite self-assured in his work. He pulled himself together with visible effort and stopped picking at the fray ends of his cardigan.
When Junfei stepped out back into the set, a wave of silence rippled across the room.
He looked stunning.
His charcoal black jumpsuit had lace detailing at the shoulders and chest and wide-legged pants that seeped with vibrant colours from the hem like ivy climbing his legs. His hair was styled back, exposing the scandalous forehead, showing his big doe eyes that were lined with an electric blue. He also had light green-grey contacts on.
Mingzhou stuttered in his movements when Junfei was directed into position.
"Just like old times, huh xiao Zhou?" Junfei laughed.
"Just like old times," he confirmed.
The flash of his camera blinded his eyes. But looking back at that delicious spread that had orbited Communique into greater profits, he doubted it was his camera that had done it, but rather the model himself. The sculpture that had become a staple name in their office.
~x~
It wasn't unusual for Mingzhou to meet up with Wonhyuk even if Junfei was unavailable. Today he had brought Minseok along.
Minseok had proceeded from a classmate to best friend in Mingzhou's life and he had formed an oddly satisfying relationship with Junfei and Wonhyuk.
Wonhyuk lead them into the living room which was so homely it made Mingzhou hurt. The huge expensive TV was negated by the various mundane photographs of Junfei and Wonhyuk and their cat sitting on the mantle.
It was kind of surreal seeing his picture of Junfei hanging in their house. Wonhyuk knocked their shoulders as he exclaimed that he had insisted on framing it even though Junfei was reluctant about his face being on the walls. They had negotiated to one picture in the end. The one from the magazine shoot that he had done two months ago. His coming-out shoot.
While Mingzhou and Minseok were admiring the wall that was covered by two bookshelves crammed with notebooks and law textbooks offsetting the poster of Junfei's first movie hanging in the middle of both the shelves, Wonhyuk opened the door to allow Jiwon and Sangtae in.
The group settled themselves onto the couch with containers of Minseok's warm food in their hands and the TV flickered to life. They switched channels till they saw the live broadcasting of the Asian Artists Award. One sleek black car after another, they were helping themselves to a second serve when the car door opened to reveal a handsomely dressed Junfei.
Wonhyuk hissed and he sat upright, grumbling about how Junfei had totally misled him with his description of the outfit. But really, he wasn't complaining about it. No one was able to refute or tease him though, they were too busy taking in this otherworldly side of Junfei, one that they never got to witness, with him being a total goof around them.
The magazine spread was one thing, this was another.
His suit blazer was cut in a deep V, with no undershirt to prevent your thoughts from running wild. A few silver chains sat on the wide expanse of golden skin and glinted cheekily, hinting at something you could never have. His broad shoulders were framed by stiff shoulder pads and his small waist was decorated by a diamond belt. He was dripping in finesse.
When the focus came to his face, Mingzhou tried to convince himself that he was drooling over the food. He tried.
His dark hair had grown to a mullet and the front strands were pulled back artfully, showcasing the dark eye makeup and his blood-red lips.
Mingzhou chanced a look at Wonhyuk, who looked completely floored. With good reason. But instead of feeling happy, as he should for his best friend who had found himself a man who loved him so much, he felt conflicted, bitter and guilty.
He turned back to the screen where the MC was praising Junfei for his role in Opulence and even teased at the magazine spread that had moved hearts. The actor grinned directly at the camera as if he knew that they'd be watching, "it was my best friend who took those photos, so of course, it turned out well!"
Minghzou felt his mouth go dry and Wonhyuk looked at him with proud eyes. Minseok smiled at him too. "Congratulations for being the next biggest envy of the world after this guy," he elbowed Wonhyuk, who keeled over in pain because Minseok always underestimated his strength.
Jiwon and Sangtae cheered aloud when Junfei winked for his 'fans' and they all laughed and applauded at his unwavering upright posture which was quite often just slumped when he was around them.
The camera panned over to the next celebrity in this humdrum of commotion in the house.
Mingzhou mind still flashed with the image of Junfei's seductive grin. But the word 'best friend' was a harsh shove, pushing him into second place on the podium.
He would have to satisfy himself with that, there was no choice.
*
*
*
Back in the hotel, Minghzou let his body relax before his early morning flight back home. Home that translated to his two-bedroom flat in Seoul cluttered with film and papers and cameras and light-meters. He couldn't wait to go back.
The other thing that was waiting back at home was a huge surprise party.
The tuft of blonde revealed itself from under his hoodie. Junfei spread his arms and threw them around Mingzhou's neck. "I missed you."
He laughed, hoping his brain wouldn't short circuit, "I've only been gone a while."
"6 months isn't a while," Junfei pouted.
Before he could convince himself that Junfei didn't look cute, because no, pouting didn't make him look cute at all, Minseok yelled at them to come over before the meat burnt.
It was a welcome home gathering with Minseok, Sangtae and Jiwon who had become close to him too. The party was quaint, in Junfei's backyard with a table full of palatable food and drinks.
"How was it? Going back home after so long?" Minseok asked when Mingzhou bounced over, hearing the mouth-watering sizzle of the meat. He had missed the familiarity of movement around Minseok, it was a good feeling to return to.
"It was...weird. It was home in a literal sense but just –"
"It wasn't what you thought it would be? It was your home your entire childhood, well almost," Junfei popped a piece of carrot into his mouth. Minseok swatted his arm. "Now though, you've made yourself a new home and a lovely family to go with it."
His easy smile, kind eyes and relaxed posture made it so simple to fall into a fantasy, one where he could imagine mornings with the older boy being languid and slow or chaotic and busy. It was never an average affair having Junfei around. Mingzhou knew it was selfish to want to spend every waking hour and every bedtime with Junfei by his side when he had gotten to experience a similar life back in high school, albeit it had been way less romantic – with sweaty clothes strewn across the room and dishes piling the sink. It had still been a very homely experience.
Mingzhou swallowed the last of his drink, ice and all, to shock his brain out of the stupidly unreal dream that just kept mocking him.
"Have you been home, hyung?" Minseok questioned, this time feeding Junfei the carrots himself.
"Not in a while," he chewed thoughtfully, "my family shifted recently, I haven't been to the new house yet. The last time I went home was after the premiere of my third movie, which was 2 years ago. Wow, it has been a while."
"We should book a trip home then, huh love?" Wonhyuk mused, setting the table with paper napkins and cutlery.
Junfei beamed dumbly, for the same reason Mingzhou's face twitched.
Book a trip home.
It came so readily to him, calling Junfei's parents' home his. But seeing the pure unadulterated joy on Junfei's face, Mingzhou knew that Wonhyuk had said it all right. Sangtae pretended to gag behind Wonhyuk and Jiwon mumbled something about them being married since forever. Mingzhou's chest ached.
"Yeah," the grin hadn't left his face, "yeah, clear your schedule and we can fly home."
Mingzhou turned his back to the pair and faced the grill, where the meat was burning, smoke thickening and climbing his nostrils with full force.
When Minseok asked him why his eyes were glassy, it only took him one finger pointing to the grill to save him from giving an explanation. He wasn't too keen on doing that anyway.
*
*
*
{"How long will I be with you?
As long as the sea is bound to
Wash upon the sand..."
~ How long will I love you, Ellie Goulding}