forever, and always

{ "I'll love you forever

even when I can't." }

*

*

*

And because the store had run out of confetti, they made do with their loud cheers and hoots to fill the absence of the party poppers.

Wei Junfei.

It had been announced by a veteran producer of the Bollywood industry. "The Asian Artist's Award for best performance goes to..."

Wonhyuk wiped away the beads of the tears forming in his eyes and clapped at the figure standing up miles away at some grand location, hidden from normal people in an exclusive set labelled 'Celebrities'.

Sangtae was sobbing about something into Jiwon's sodden t-shirt. Minseok also looked ecstatic; he beamed at the screen and said something to Mingzhou, who couldn't hear him over the sudden boom of the speakers. Junfei's voice crackled on the mic.

"Good evening, everybody."

His smile was a painting that Mingzhou wanted to frame in a museum.

The words were lost on his ears, only a few words of praise of actors and directors and staff alike floated up to his ears, so he followed his friends' movements, smiling when he saw them cheer, and clapping when they flicked their wrists at the beginning of the motion.

His eyes were fixed on the screen; it was like his brain had suddenly forgotten how to multitask because suddenly he was looking at his best friend and it was the sixteen year old boy he saw looking back at him.

The young Chinese boy who had such big dreams, that so many underestimated because "it's so very difficult to get into the entertainment industry Mr Wei. You are smart, you can major in science and get into a good research program" that teacher was probably hiding her face in her hands in shame. Junfei had not only graduated in the Honor Roll, but he had forgone the STEM institutes and applied into a good Arts Major program miles away from their high school.

When Mingzhou looked at the man standing on the stage, he also saw with him the younger, determined boy of sixteen who had grinned at him all those years ago and had said to him with complete conviction, "I will be a good actor, just you wait." Not famous, not handsome, but good. And good he was.

Pride swelled in Mingzhou's chest as he recognized that same flame of determination in the actor's eyes as he held that prestigious award in his hands.

Jiwon finally peeled Sangtae from his shoulder and grimaced at the blotchy cloth. He didn't dare to get up and change, not wanting to miss Junfei's speech.

"– my lovely fans, who've been nothing but supportive," he paused at the loud and emotional uproar in the audience. A smile edged its way onto his mouth, but the pinch of his lips to the right, the twitch of his grin, the sudden bobbing of his adam's apple. Mingzhou knew Junfei was about to say something big. Unexpected.

"I would also really, really like to appreciate my family, who've been steady constants all my life. But I also want to add in a word about the family that I made for myself. Gained," his lips stretched into a genuine smile. "Bear with me, because tonight I'd like to extend my gratitude to my other family. My home away from home."

Mingzhou sat back.

Go on then, Wei Junfei.

"To my college mate." Junfei stared into the main camera, "Jiwon, my tolerant roommate. He's been my backbone, to lift me on days I felt worthless, my eyes to help me see the good in myself, my voice to encourage me to take a leap of faith and my tiny little pet cat because he's snarky, but really, he's the best, honestly. I love you."

The crowd roared and applauded. Mingzhou saw the shadows lift their arms close to their faces and he knew. Junfei's conversations were sparse, he always opted out of talking, but when he did, the effect showed itself.

Jiwon may not have looked it, but he was pleased. Mingzhou could tell, his face was red and his eyes were all wet with his eyelashes sticking together.

Jiwon sniffed, "I'll kill him for calling me a tiny pet cat." There was no bite to his declaration, and horrifyingly enough, the intone of his words was rather like a purr.

Junfei resumed after the pause, "Sangtae. My high school buddy. The peanut butter to my jelly. The laughs to my jokes. The energy to my exhaustion. My almost-birthday-twin. The buzz cut to my long hair –"

"Not the hideous haircuts, Feifei!" Sangtae whined.

"He probably hates that I just revealed his worst haircut to the world, but I know he secretly loves it. He's a cheesy, cheesy man. And I love him for it. He's my driving force, my fuel. I love you."

Sangtae was biting his lips and a speck of blood pushed through his chapped lower lip. The older boy was trying so hard not to cry.

"And here's to Minseok. The king of the culinary world, and a genuine breath of fresh air. With his handsome looks and warm presence, he reminds me of the sun. He's been by my side for a few years now and I wish I'd known him earlier. I love him too."

Minseok's voice is thick as he whispers an 'I love you too hyung.'

"Mingzhou. My oldest friend, he's seen me through the years. He's the first person I ever felt close to away from home. I love him so much, he's family to me really. He might be younger than me, but he's very smart," Junfei said. Mingzhou's chest expanded, to fill that sound into his lungs so that he could breathe even on days Junfei left him breathless and gasping.

"He's been through it all. My questionable haircuts and my stressful high school days. My graduation and my auditions. He's seen in me with flu too – quite an ugly look on me really," Junfei spared a laugh. The audience didn't howl with him as loud this time. All the people unknowingly leaned to the edge of their seats in anticipation. "He has seen me in pain."

A few sympathetic coos just leave the mouths of teary fans before he straightened up.

"He has also seen me in love."

The sudden hush that fell on the previously cooing crowd startled them into silence as well.

"Wei Junfei," Sangtae murmured, "you sly bastard."

Wonhyuk pursed his lips, but Mingzhou could make out the grin his face is trying to suppress. He wasn't doing a very good job at it.

"My boyfriend. My love. He's wiped my eyes and held my hand through thick and thin. He's seen me at my best and my worst. He bears the weight of being with me, but he shoulders it like it's a breeze. He's everything to me and I want him to know it. I love you so much." The camera captured his eyes, which were glistening in the orange glow of the stage lights.

Mingzhou began to panic a little.

God, Junfei. That drunken conversation was not to have been heeded!

It seemed like Wonhyuk had the same thought because of the sudden blankness that ousted his previously ecstatic face.

"What is he thinking!" Wonhyuk snapped upright. "His fans! Media! This is an award-sh – "

It's like their telepathic connection stretched to miles because the Junfei on the screen politely cleared his throat, all the attention sliding back into focus on his relaxed posture.

"I understand my sudden declaration is probably not the best on a stage here with my award, which I am so grateful to be receiving, but I think it's the best way to deliver a statement that's so personal to me. I want to apologize to fans, who probably never saw this coming. I'm sorry if you feel overwhelmed by this information, but I wanted to deliver it myself," Junfei's eyes were unbearably fond looking down at the crowd of strangers.

Mingzhou had never once felt the heavy weight of that gaze on himself.

"I love you all so much too, but I can only wish for you to be supportive of us because he is the chapter in my book that I never want to cease writing."

Flabbergasted.

Mingzhou's jaw was licking the marble tiles of their house. Who knew what Junfei was truly capable of, honestly. As a man of few words, his personality was like the mysterious unfurling of petals that bloomed only in the fragments of daylight, when no one was around to watch.

"God, and he calls me cheesy," Sangtae patted Wonhyuk's shoulder clumsily, wiping the corners of his own eyes. Jiwon snickered into his palm, the beginning of a sob muffled by his hand. Minseok stares at the Television open-mouthed, and Mingzhou has to agree.

"He'd told me that before, once. How he wanted to be able to write about me in his life until the very last beat of his heart," Wonhyuk spoke softly. It made Mingzhou wonder whether he was supposed to hear it.

He decided he wasn't.

Maybe the flower bloomed for someone to see after all. And it wasn't him.

*

*

*

The conversation dulled a little after they're satiated by the glasses of Whiskey that Junfei had brought out once the meat had been licked clean.

"Do you remember," Sangtae slid down his chair a little. "Do you remember the day Fei announced he was dating..."

Mingzhou stilled. The sting that memory brought was unwelcome, especially when he'd tried to convince himself time and again that it meant nothing. He thought he was over it.

Minseok cradled the glass to his chest, his whiskey was losing its fizz. "I think we all teared up a little that day."

Junfei huffed a tiny laugh, "that idea only came to fruition because of a drunk night, just like this one actually, that I had with xiao Zhou."

Two and a half years and that had been their little secret. Mingzhou grimaced slightly under the pendant lights in the garden. It glowed like the lights in the award show that night. He closed his eyes and cracked his knuckles.

Jiwon tilted in his chair, his voice floated into Mingzhou's ears.

"It makes sense, doesn't it. The photographer and the actor, both aware of how the other should be standing. It makes sense that it was him to suggest that idea."

Mingzhou thought of his camera neatly packed into his large studio bag and the SD cards with models who were not Junfei. His mind was blank, save for the picture he had taken so many years ago. Of Junfei in their tiny little dorm room staring out at the night sky when he should have been doing his homework and he couldn't help but think how wrong Jiwon was. Was Junfei aware of Mingzhou the way he wished? Wrong, Jiwon.

Wonhyuk took away any remaining bottles and set them far from Sangtae and Minseok's reach, both of whom could drink them under the table, as they didn't want to face the after-party of cleaning the two heavy drinkers' throwup. He settled his socked feet onto Junfei's lap.

"Say, babe, how did you think of all that on the spot?"

No cicadas were chirping pleasantly in the background when Junfei articulated his thoughts as it was nearly winter. There was no sound of traffic either because Junfei had gotten a nice little villa in a private residential area where a lot of big names had settled as well, away from the noisy Friday nights in the heart of Seoul and just about anywhere else.

"Honestly, I just spoke anything that came to my head. I remember sitting in that chair in the audience and thinking of saying these big fancy things about the media and the industry but then I thought what the heck! People already know me as an actor and I wanted them to know me as a human, and not some untouchable star in the sky," his voice drifted into a soothing hum.

He tipped his glass back, the ice cubes clamoured against the glass.

"Just... I wanted to be stupid Wei Junfei who wears unmatched socks and eats his cereal dry and loves to hang with his friends and watch his kitties play 'dog and the bone' because that trick is absolutely hilarious. Oh! He also likes to tie his boyfriend's tie before he's headed out for work because ooh, mama be spicy!" Wonhyuk smacked Junfei's chest, who didn't do anything to defend. He just tipped his head back and cackled at the blood rushing into his boyfriend's face.

Mingzhou felt a smile creep up at that small moment, filling the abyss within him with his drink.

He was ready to let go.

*

*

*

{ "it's astronomy,

we're two worlds apart"

~ Astronomy, Conan Gray }