Ever?

"Tara?" Juan's voice resounded strongly inside that quiet room.

Juan placed his phone aside seeing that she was looking very nervous and was setting in this cold weather. He sat straight beside her and tapped on her shoulders to get her attention.

"What is it?" Juan questioned again.

Tara gulped her saliva and exhaled loudly as if preparing for war. She clutched her skirt and released it.

'Now or never Tara. Just ask him. Enough of all these. You deserve to know.' Tara reasoned herself and brought up her courage to talk to him.

"I... I have so many things. I a-also want to ask y-you so many questions" Tara said softly calming her heart.

Juan raised his brows and leaned on the couch. He didn't speak anything as if he could already tell what this was all about. He sighed inwardly.

"Ask, " Juan said without much drama.

"Will you tell me the truth?" Tara asked again. She knew that Juan was brutally honest. But, she just wanted to ask that to calm herself.

Juan glanced at her and didn't answer her but just nodded slightly.

"W-What am I to you? What position do I hold in your life." Tara asked the simplest question she could think of.

Juan again took some seconds to respond to her, "Girlfriend. And you are one of the closest people to me."

He answered vaguely. Tara furrowed her brows.

"One of the closest? In what sense are you saying?" Tara asked him pissed with his safe reply.

"You are someone close to me, Tara. The number of people I would protect disregarding my safety can be counted with my fingers. You are one among them." Juan elaborated.

"If may I ask who are others?" Tara asked already knowing the answer to that.

"My family, Lyra, Aiden and you," Juan answered short.

Tara turned and faced him. She scrutinized the expression on his face. But couldn't find anything.

"Okay, Let me rephrase it. What position do I hold in your heart? As a woman." Tara added looking intently at him.

Juan closed his eyes and leaned back on the couch, "You know, Tara."

He answered still his eyes closed.

Tara shook her head. She wanted to hear from him.

"No. Answer me, Juan," Tara pressed.

"You will be hurt, Tara. And I already told you before we started this relationship." Juan's voice echoed.

"S-So there is not any change in your h-heart? Y-You don't l-love me?" Tara stuttered.

"Tara, Do we need to talk about this? We are fine right now." Juan said not wanting to talk about this.

Tara grabbed his hands and clutched them tightly. Juan opened his eyes and looked at their hands. He tried to break free but Tara clutched him tightly. Juan furrowed his brows and look at her coldly.

"Tara, Let go." Juan's cold voice was heard.

Tara's eyes welled up in tears seeing his reaction. She pushed back the tears knowing that Juan hated women who were crying for everything.

"D-Do we still look f-fine? T-tell me, J-Juan"

Juan pursed his lips in frustration.

"Answer me, Juan. It's been 4 years. You never hold my hands, hug me, and never initiated any intimate things. You never even kissed me on my cheek. All we did was hook our arms when we are in public. Did we do late-night chats? Have we ever spoken romantically? Have you ever surprised me, talked to me, or hold me like you are my boyfriend? We are no better than friends. More like acquaintance but you see me and talk to me daily. Have you even missed me? or even took me on a date on your own? It was always me who plans everything. You accompany me and pay the bills." Tara rained her thoughts while the pain was painting her entire frame.

Her hands shivered and she controlled sobbing.

"You hate when girls cry, right? But I doubt it. Do you hate girls crying or just hate other girls crying except her? You embrace her in front of me, chide her, take care of her, always at the back of her making sure of her safety. And she is your priority, not Joel, not your family, nor me. It is her. And it will always be her. Am I right?"

"... Tara...I..." Tara cut him off not letting him speak,

"You never said anything when I annoyed you. Never chided me. Never smiled at me from your heart. What am I? Don't tell me I am your girlfriend. I am not. It is just a label I forcefully pasted on us. It is me holding onto this relationship." Tara cried out all the things piled up inside her. Her tears were already streaming down. She was wiping them aggressively.

"I never cheated on you. I never initiated to end this relationship." Juan said back

"Do you hear yourself? Yes, you didn't do those. But you never initiated to make this relationship work either. You are just like a robot agreeing to things I wanted. And you denied any physical thing between us. Yes, you told me on the day I confessed that You can't love me. Never. but you also told me that you would give this a try. What did you try to make this work? By agreeing to accompany me on dates? By agreeing to go shopping with me? Or by agreeing to stage the role of boyfriend in public? We were never in a relationship Juan. I tried. I tried so hard for you to look at me as a woman. But I failed miserably.

We were no better than two strangers acting in a fake relationship. I don't know anymore. You told me several times not to expect love from you. But do you think it works that way? You never gave me hope. You never did anything that would lead to having hope. You had drawn that line so clearly. I can't even pretend like it is not there. I don't even know why I am talking all these after doing this for 4 years. I don't even know what am I expecting after we finish this talk."

Tara poured everything that was inside her and sobbed badly. Her small oval face has already gone red with all the talking and crying. Never in her life had she spoken like this. She always talks politely even when the other party upsets her. But she just burst out now.

Juan didn't have answers to these. He knew he was sinning by having her beside him. It's just for his selfish reason. He knew what she was expecting from him. He was well aware of all the things she had been thinking but he just ignored it as he was selfish. He just kept Tara beside him so that he will not do anything that will bring disaster to.... 'her'.