Guilt

The whole world felt like it was spinning. My head hurt. My breath was shaking. I felt like crying. But I couldn't. I couldn't just do that. Just give in to the pressure. How would the model student look like while crying?

Mr. Windsor was nowhere proper by just deleting governmental property. By lying and destroying concrete evidence of failure. He went against the system and even though it was a small gesture it had to be punished.

And now I had become his partner in crime. Instead of stopping him I just left. Instead of reporting it right away I grabbed my bag and got out of the school gates as soon as possible. I had become a subject of crime as well. If I said something now it would greatly affect me and my image. This all was so frustrating…

With a shaky breath I continued walking. The train was not something I wanted to reach right now. Rather I took a small walk towards my home. I needed to regather strength to face my parents.

This had been the first time in my life I had lied. I couldn't remember any other time. I had always been diligent and truthful. I always wanted to reflect a clear image of myself to others. Without manipulating.

Was that the failure in human nature? I was so focused on myself that I couldn't even see what I did to others. I lied to them for my own benefit. Are humans unfit to just think about others or what was it that my intentions were? Everyone would have wanted to change his record at least once. Especially since it sometimes determines ones chances in the higher ranked jobs.

I took a deep breath. The cold air streaming inside my lungs. It was refreshing really. I normally never took any walks to leisurely pass the time. Usually I have a full schedule. I don't waste time. I want to be efficient.

But this time? It was as if my body – no also my mind – were practically absorbing all of this experience.

The cool air stopped my overthinking. It was as if my head that had always been overly active started to shut down. To restart. Just like in the books when humans still needed to cool their electronics with a cooler. Nowadays everything was consisting out of small efficient tools that didn't need many parts. Instead of a display a hologram was formed. This even allowed more three dimensional options. For example video calls.

My shaking also gradually slowed down. The imperfection I had feared so much was at least gone for now. I still was imperfect but my score – my score was alright. What was done was done. There is no way to rewind time. Sometimes the only option is to live with our failures and our imperfection.

My heart stopped beating as fast as transportation was going. My whole excitement and extreme exertion slowly started to cease. Slowly started to lower. My shoulders sank. My forced smile ceased becoming nothing more than a hint.

I didn't know walks could be so relaxing. If I knew that thinking with time for ones self would have relaxed so much then I would have done so sooner. Taking in the scenery was even amusing. Not the buildings of course. Over the time new white towers rose but the change was due to the similar designs not really noticeable.

After all the tall buildings were more unsightly than a pleasure to look at. They had the same designs. The same structure. The same architecture that was considered the most reasonable and efficient. Clear white and fitting to the bubbles used for transportation. Yet they were irritating. They came in various sizes. Some were wider, some were taller. Some had more green on top others had more of a beach scenario. Some had different decorated windows due to the people living there.

Caroline always uses these as 'hints'. She looks at the different windows. The different structures of some enterprises and then she guesses. She guesses the functions of the enterprise. The life and income of the family. The inner structure and how big the enterprise is. It's her own guessing game without a real answer. How irritating when there is nothing you can confirm your guess with. I had never understood why she did this.

Even now this imperfection bothered me. I could live with different people. People wearing all sorts of accessories like giant necklaces or skirts. I could deal with all indifferences after all every human was something special. Their own mosaic of experience.

Yet the buildings were something someone chose deliberately. Something with the same color and the same structure. The planning, the building, the windows everything was the same. It was the most efficient way after all. But the different sizes? They didn't fit to each other. They were the same yet so irritating crazy. It was driving me crazy. How could you build something the same but ignore this point? How wonderful would it have looked in conformity? Clearly frustrating.

I chuckled at myself a bit. It wasn't often the case that I thought about such trivial things. I normally ignored the urge to complain. After all it was unfitting and could annoy others.

When was the last time I had thought about myself? It had been a while. It all seemed even a bit unclear. I sighed and looked at my pad. I did spend a lot of quality time right now for myself.

Was it better than standing in a crowded train? Probably. Not very efficient though. But it did give me a better peace of mind so how could I call it useless right now. I was sure that my parents would also understand my reasoning. It was better to at times relax and clear your mind before starting to face a problem once again. I had never thought this could be so efficient!

The hint of a smile grew wider as I walked along the prescribed road towards my house. I felt happy right now. The worries I had, I would simply have to deal with them from time to time now. No need to rush things now!