The Text Messages

*Brrr*

My phone vibrates.

Usually at this hour, which is about 9PM, I would sometimes receive a text message from the phone service company.

The content of it would usually be a promotion or something similar.

Since I do not have any close friends, unless it is something urgent, I would not received anything from my acquantances.

That said, I still quickly check the message.

Turns out, it is not what I was thinking.

'The Girlfriend sent you a text message.' is the notification that I received.

"What does she need?" I thought to myself. I do not think she would send me a message without asking for anything, especially at this hour.

'I'd like to learn more about you. We're now in a relationship, so that's fine, right?'

I reply: 'Of course. How should we start?'

'Let's start with our own circumstances. Your family, for example.'

'Okay. So I'm an only child. Both my parents are chefs and we have a small food vendor right in front of our house. We used to have some problems with housing in the past, so I was transfered school quite often. Nowadays we are doing fine so there's no need to change school anymore.'

'Noted. I'm also an only child. My parents are teachers. It's always been slow and steady for us. My parents work for the public sector so we didn't need to worry too much about the future back then. They worry quite a lot about me, though. You know, my condition, our condition.'

'I can't say that I can understand your condition a hundred percent. And I don't think I'm in a position to give you any kind of advice. Sorry about that.'

'Don't worry. That's why we are sharing our info. I don't feel anything anyway. But my parents worry because of exactly that. They took me to a psychologist once. Obviously no one gave a clear answer since what we have is not a disease. At least, not right now.'

'What did the psychologist say? Did they give you medication? Advice?'

'Inferiority complex. They didn't prescribe anything. Just said they would look into it. I don't think they were completely wrong. I am not a beautiful girl, you know that.'

'I get that for girls the looks are important. I don't think you are bad-looking. For me personally, I would not prefer a beautiful girl to be my partner, though. It would attract too much attention and for someone so basic like me, I can't keep them company.'

There is something that is happening right now to me.

To be an average student in class, I would find ways to appease to my friends and peers. Most of the time, what I say and do would give some kind of benefits to the other person. I would give them compliments, laugh with them when I see signs of laughter, and stay silent when I see signs of grief.

It was exceedingly difficult at first, since I did not know how to do it, and that created many awkward circumstances to others.

But then I started to learn body language. The eyes do talk. The corner of the eyes and the eyebrows show various information needed for me to practice.

However, I did not understand why I had to do so.

There was always a pathological need inside me to become normal.

Eat normally, drink normally, study normally, make friends normally, perform normal.

It made me so tired.

But right now, I am saying what I want.

I am not pretending to be someone normal.

I feel calm, I feel glad. I feel the candle light inside my void growing.

'I actually would like to understand how you are able to be so similar to others in class.' She suddenly asked.

'What do you mean?'

'How do you say what they want to hear? What is considered a normal reply? When to smile, when to laugh, when to chime in a conversation? Whenever someone is asking me something, I would say what I truly think, and it makes them mad. They just shake their heads and leave me alone afterwards. Not that I mind. Being alone is actually better than sitting in class pretending.'

'I actually would like to be like you.'

'Why?'

'You know, for us, we can't be normal.'

'Yeah.'

'What I am doing is faking it. I will never be like others. You will never be like others. It makes no sense trying to fit in when we are not similar.'

'But there's that urge?'

'The urge makes no sense. There's no reason for us to make such efford to make others happy. We are incapable of feeling such things. To be honest, be you. Say what you want. Don't let others dictate what is right or wrong.'

'It is not easy to fight the urge, you know. It compels us. It is inside us.'

'Then let's make everyone avoid us. If there is no community, there is not need to participate.'

'Are you suggesting that you would also do the same as I am doing?'

'Yes I am. I will stop faking it. Like I said on the roof. I will be isolated from this world with you.'

'I wouldn't say that is a relieve. But I thank you for say these things.'

'Don't think too much about it. I am your boyfriend. It is my duty to be here for you. And I think it is about time that I change for something different.'

'You have tried to do something before?'

'Yeah. I studied harder, I went to the gym, I went out with other guys and gals. My social standing, my performance and everything went up because of that.'

'Why did you stop?'

'I felt nothing from doing so. Absolutely nothing. I didn't feel joy, there was no achievement. It made sense. That's why I stopped. Everything worked out because I tried. I still can't understand why people struggle. Actions have consequences. And my actions did make good consequences. Why feel sad when someone die? Isn't it the law of the universe? Why feel happy when you did something good? Isn't it because you tried?'

'I feel the same way.'

'However. On that roof. When you were thinking about jumping, I felt something. Now that I am thinking of it, maybe, it was regret. For some reason, I didn't want you to die.'

'You know. I wouldn't let you jump either.'

'Thanks.'

'No problem, boyfriend.'

'See you in class.'

'Good night.'

Things are changing. I can feel it in my body.