Sad

Thankfully I got a cab soon, my eyes got teary, I couldn't stop them anymore, I was silently crying in the cab, it was hurting me. He was with me the whole night, and I don't remember him calling, everything is so vivid in my mind, I remember crying, telling him not to leave but I just left him today again, without any explanations, he deserves better and deserves everything but not me, I don't deserve him, he was good to me but I left him, hurt.

I wiped my tears, I don't know how I reached home this quickly, I got out of the cab and paid him, I looked at the time, it was 7:55 am. I went towards the door, something was stopping me from pressing the doorbell. I wanted to press it but my hand stopped, something was holding back my fingers from doing so. I knocked it knowing no one will come, and then I snapped back from my thoughts when I saw dad opening the door.

I wanted to hug him tight, I needed comfort and love, everything was a mess but I stopped when the flashbacks of yesterday came back. I was shouting here on both of them, went to bar got drunk, and somehow ended up in Seungcheol's house and his embrace. It started hurting so bad, I wanted to run away again. I was thankful it wasn't mum who opened the door. Dad's eyes softened looking at me, who was looking like a mess. I entered and took off my heels and ran to my room without exchanging any words with him. I can't let him see me like this, I can't let anyone see me like this.

I locked my room from inside and dropped my body on the floor, I looked at my phone, both of us were smiling, my mind went back to yesterday, I remember bits of it, I remember Seungcheol driving me to his home, I was with him, I was ….crying holding him tight?

'That day was a lie and I can see through you right now because I still love you and you can't deceive me' he said this to me? Why? He knows I can't do this, but he didn't even ask me why I did this to me and us. This hurts, I miss him so much, I want to go back to him, I want to feel him against my lips, I miss him, his voice, his smile, his giggles, his soft kisses, his hugs. I miss him so much, I am numb, I can't feel anything anymore. I don't want to move anymore, how am I going to pull off a smile on D DAY? Isn't it supposed to be the happiest day for a girl? But why am I crying and hurting myself like this? I have to do this and why?

I can't face anyone right now, after what I did yesterday, my anger, sadness, and all the emotions took over me and I don't want to remember anything that I did yesterday, it will hurt me more. I want to end this suffering even before I could think anything else, mum's voice started coming, she was hitting my bedroom room.

"Erica, open right now"

It was scaring me, I don't know what she will do now, but how can I get weak now after what I did yesterday?

"No."

"Erica, open the door."

"Erica"

"Erica, I brought your breakfast"

I was still unsure of her, I tried standing up, I had no energy at all to talk to her or to argue because I just can't, I am tired of everything. I stuffed my phone inside my sling bag and threw it to the other side of the bed, something in me told me to do this. I just know something is coming and I need to fight back this time, I can do it.

I wiped my tears and opened the door with courage, I saw mum standing with breakfast, for once I wished she would come and hug me but that was just a dream, she came inside my room, placed the plate on the table. I was standing still, I am used to her tactics, by now, she didn't change at all, she is still the same.

She came back to me after keeping it, "I am thankful that you came back home and you are safe" she was smiling and was caressing my hair, how am I supposed to take it? Was she worried about me? Or thankful that I came back home?

"Get fresh and eat, I made your favorite breakfast, okay?" she smiled again

She went out, and there I understood,

She locked me inside my room.

"Stay here, until Sunday. I am not letting you out."

How could she do this to me?

I was hitting my door hard, with all my energy that was left,

"Mum you can't do this, please don't do this please"

"Mum please"

"Why are you doing this? I am here now"

"MUM!!!"

I ran to get the phone from my bag, I wanted to call dad, he would let me out, how can he also do that, he always understood me and he still will, I was about to dial up his number and my phone died on me. How could this happen with me?? How just how? Why now? I wanted to throw my phone so bad, why can't a single thing go my way, everything was so frustrating, everything sucks, without any next thought, I threw my phone and hit the wall on the other side. My tears started falling, endlessly, I wish I could call up Yoona, she could help me, she will even Jeonghan can, I just need to tell them, I can't end up like this. I know I called up this on me but I am a grown-up, 27 years old adult, who has a job and is independent but what is this? when I can't even help myself. I wanted to scream so bad, I just could bring myself to do anything anymore. I go up went to the door, knocked again "DAD, CAN YOU HEAR ME?" I looked at the time, it was past 9 am, did I cry for that long that I lost the track of time, even if I scream now, no one can hear my voice, because they are not at home anymore, they left me.

Thinking about that, I fell on my knees, I looked at my room, the room where I always got locked, whenever I disobeyed her, but dad used to come for me, no matter where he was, one call, one shout was enough for him to come to me and take me with him. why can't he do that now? Why am I this helpless for myself? Why am I like this?

I got up, dragged myself to the bed, nothing felt okay anymore, everything felt like it died, everything looks so dead, I lied down on my bed and wrapped myself up in the blankets, it felt cold, nothing could warm me up anymore, how much I wished to go back to yesterday's night, where I was in his arms, he was holding me tight, in his embrace. I miss him, I can never forget him, he is still my everything.

I wanted to fall asleep and forget everything, forget everything and want to be happy, want to smile, want to be with him.

I suddenly woke up, lights were on, I tried adjusting my eyes, it was suddenly too bright for me to open my eyes instantly, I sat on my bad, my stomach growled; after adjusting myself with the brightness of the light in my room, I saw

Mum.

"What are you doing here?"

"Oh, you are awake? Why didn't you eat breakfast?"

"I asked what are you doing here?" I got down from my bed, her back was facing me, she was keeping something on the table.

"Look at the time, it's 8: 35 pm already; I brought your dinner. You were sleeping when I came here, so thought to keep food here. and saw you didn't eat anything from the morning, why are you starving yourself. Eat" she faced me, she was holding plates, she brought in the morning and the food was untouched. I realized it was already night when I saw the time, it was really past 8 pm now, I slept for too long. "You want me to lock up in the room, I can't let you do that, I am not a kid anymore and why should I suffer like this"

"Eat your dinner first then we can talk" she was telling me calmly, how can I trust her again?

"I told you, I am not a kid anymore and what do u want to talk with me now? Why are you even locking me up? What did I do?! JUST WHAT?" I couldn't help but scream, my anger was turning into a rage, she looked calm as if nothing happened between us, and it was burning me up.

"Stop shouting Erica, you were never like this!" she shouted, I knew she was done with her patience. I can't stay like this anymore, I need to be the independent girl I am. "Are you curious who made me like this? It's you. You made me like this."

"I never"

"You ruined me, you made me like this, I was never like this, I never hurt anyone, I never shouted at you, I never broke anyone and see this, I am doing everything I hated and it's all because of you, yes YOU" how am I supposed to stay calm.

"Erica!"

"What?!" she came and slapped me hard, "There's no way I am talking with you tonight anymore, I thought to talk to you but I can't keep up with you anymore, go eat and sleep, stay here only. I am not letting you out until you don't fix your behavior, you're 27 not a 7 years old kid. Pull yourself together, Erica Hwang"

"MUM!"

She went to pick up my phone, no way she is doing that, I went to her she picked it up first and left the room, she locked me again. This was way too much, I need my phone, she can't do this. I went to my table, looked for my mac, it wasn't there anymore, no way she kept it, why is she doing this. she will make me go crazy.

I went to the door, I was hitting it, hard, "Why would you take my phone and mac? WHY"

"TELL ME"

There was no response at all, why can't dad come here and take me with him, why can't he come like he always did. Where is he? Everything was falling apart, I need someone by my side. Everything was killing me slowly, I need to get out from here, this is sick. I can't be like this.

[next morning]

I woke up, because of a voice, "Oh yes yes, I will call you back later soon" I looked at the person, again it was her, just her. I hate it.

I went near her, she was holding my Mac and phone, I saw her keeping it on the table. She turned around and was taken aback by me, I was standing there looking at her confusedly. "You scared me! Erica"

I still had that poker face, I don't even want to talk to her, "I brought your Mac, you broke your phone's screen, your dad went out to fix it up yesterday night. I am keeping it here, it's yours anyway; and come downstairs to have breakfast with us, be quick because we need to leave for work, I need to talk with you too."

"What are you planning?"

"Nothing just fresh up and come down fast"

How could I believe her words? But do I have a choice? Again it's a no for me. just a big no. she went out with the plates, which had my dinner yesterday. She left and I went to my bathroom, to take a shower.

I wore my sweatshirt and shorts and went down, looking decent. I saw mum and dad sitting at the dining table already as if they were waiting for me. my eyes soften looking at them, even I don't know why I couldn't bring my anger anymore, it was just them, I know I can hate her but at the end of the day it's my parents, this always hits my mind, how am I supposed to hate them? They are literally my parents.

I took a seat opposite my dad, "Did u sleep well?" dad asked me, I nodded.

"Did you check your phone? I changed the glass, and the battery died so I had to charge it, I checked it, it was working; still, check it once, you looked pretty there"

That's when it hit my mind, dad had my phone, my phone had the wallpaper of me and Seungcheol, and if he said I looked pretty, it means..... I was about to say something, but he looked at me and smiled.

"Dad"

"It's fine"

What is fine? I don't understand, did they call me for this? is this why she let me out of my room?

"Erica why aren't you eating?" she asked me, I was still surprised, "I am" I started eating, but I was curious what's the thing they want to talk about with me?

"So, the thing I wanted to talk with you was, do your friends know about your wedding?"

"My what-

"Your wedding, I was thinking to invite them, and I need to talk with Yoona today, I already invited few friends of yours, the ones who were with you in University in States"

"And why would you do that?" I can't believe she called up my friends and told them to attend my wedding? Where I really don't want anyone to come, it's going to be my saddest day ever.

"It's your big day, I want you to remember this day and be happy."

"Will you stop with this word 'happy'? this doesn't exist for me anymore, so please stop and call whoever you want and why would you call Yoona? She isn't someone who is your asset, remember that."

"She is your best friend, how can I not talk to her. And this or that, your opinion doesn't matter in this thing so do whatever you want till tomorrow. It's your last day tomorrow as 'Miss Erica Hwang'."

"What are you even saying?"

"now complete your food fast, enough of talking."

I was holding onto my patience until I finish my breakfast.

I went to keep my plate in the sink, after eating. I kept it and was about to leave when I saw mum came up, and looked at me, "You will be happy tomorrow, and I really want to see you smile." She smiled after saying this to me, I don't know how to describe it, it looked like... a genuine smile? But can I believe it? Can I be happy? Even I don't know. How can a person know me when I don't even know myself at this point? Happy? Smile? These words sound so new to me and they are already painful.

She patted my head and hugged me tight, I was just standing there, I was feeling overwhelmed, she was caressing my back, I never knew I actually needed this, why is she doing this now? When I will be leaving? I wanted to cry out loud, this is painful.

"my pretty daughter"

I wanted to hug her tight, but something was stopping me, I removed her hands and ran to my bedroom. I locked up my room and dropped myself on the floor, something was hurting inside me more, everything was so painful, so painful.