Chapter 3

Some time after I stopped going to school, I started having some not-so-good problems.

I was frequently groped by some of my family members. This haunted me for a long time. To the point that after I was adopted, the obsession still persisted with me.

They sat next to me, constantly asking questions of me and their hands down to my knees. They ran their dirty fingers along my knees down to my ankles.

They just glided up and down like that, and my legs started to shake. I was so scared, I didn't know what to do at that time. And I quickly grabbed their hands when they were about to touch my private parts.

I wanted to break their arms with all my might, but I couldn't.

And another time, when I was at a friend of my grandmother's. My grandmother's friend patted and squeezed my ass as I passed her. I was so angry, I wanted to hit her back, but in the end... The end was the same as last time. I was stupid for not doing anything.

And I almost got really harassed by my cousin. He took my hand, told me to go to his room, he said he would turn on the animation for me to see. I was only six years old then, and I believed him. He made me sit on the bed, and he started taking off his shirt.

And as if I knew something was wrong, I quickly exited his room and was able to escape.

And those things make me extremely obsessed. I am a person who is very allergic to skin-to-skin contact. You know, just a few times someone else's skin touches mine, my skin will become red and irritated.

And my skin is thin, I can easily see the blue veins visible under my skin. They were as clear as if there were a thousand green ropes wrapped around my skin.

///

I had a dream, a wild dream, and it made me more sensitive than ever.

I found myself standing in the middle of a very large courtyard. Surrounded by large bushes, and behind me was a building built in an ancient style.

I don't know where I stand, and in the lobby of that building I see silhouettes walking around.

I remember I went into that building, and I saw a very beautiful European girl. She has blue eyes, light blonde hair, and an elegant nose bridge. Standing next to her was another girl, her back to me. The hair was jet-black, the skin was fair-white, and it looked like the two girls were best friends.

The blonde girl looked at me, then whispered something to the girl next to her.

I couldn't hear what they were saying to each other, and when the black-haired girl turned around, I was surprised, mixed with a bit of fear.

The black haired girl was exactly like me, rather it was me.

"Me", that girl in a fresh appearance, is far from my current lifeless and depressed appearance.

Then from the living room of the building came a man and a woman. They are all Europeans. The man holds the hand of "me", I mean he holds the hand of the girl I am standing opposite me now.

I couldn't see the man's and woman's faces clearly, but I'm sure they were also elderly.

And that girl, calling the man daddy, and she calling the woman's mother.

They walked out of the building hand-in-hand. The blonde girl had "me" on her shoulder. They were laughing and talking, but other than the two girls, I couldn't see the elderly couple's faces clearly.

And then I woke up when a bucket of cold water was poured directly into my face. Water got into my nose and made me cough. And my pillow, mattress and clothes are all wet.

And the one who splashed water on me was my stepmother. She wanted me to get up to clean the house, and it was half past five in the morning.

I had no choice but to get out of my room and rush into cleaning. While she climbed into bed and continued to sleep. I have to work fast, and I have to be very quiet.

I recalled that dream. I wondered if it was a harbinger of my future. I'm curious if I could live in a better place. If that's true, then I think it might be because the girl who looks like me is just "like me". Then that's not me.

The second dream is extremely mythical.

I dreamed of that girl who looked like me. She is sitting in a house that I don't think is in Vietnam. She is studying on the table, laptop, books next to her and she is wearing headphones.

Sitting next to her was the blonde girl from before, and opposite the two of them was a boy with curly blond hair who looked very romantic.

And from another room came a man. I think he was the man in my dream the other day. He was pulling a vacuum cleaner, and before he hit the switch, I heard him say:

"Give me a few minutes to vacuum here!"

And the machine was turned on. I heard the machine chirping, but I still couldn't see the faces of the people in it, except for the girl who looked like me and the blonde.

Then I felt a sharp pain in the place of my abdomen.

And when I woke up, I saw a mess around. Next to me were my father and stepmother, they were fighting, their mouths were constantly cursing and spitting.

One of them held a knife, and I looked down at my stomach, a long red line across my belly.

I see, they'reeelashed me. I jumped up and received another sharp pain from the slash. Blood seeped into my shirt, and the other two were still struggling and cursing.

I dared not dissuade them, and I wondered where my stepmother's beloved son was. And I saw, it was crying in the doorway, the other two wouldn't notice anything around so I took this rare opportunity.

I tried to seal the cut, the warm blood flowing out made me shiver. I got up and went out, I went to the main door, it was open.

I ran into the street, and I caught a glimpse of my father's voice, as bitter and repulsive as ever. 

He was calling me, calling my name in that disgusting voice.

"Chan, Chan!" 

I ran away into a turn, holding on to my wound as I ran, I didn't see anyone chasing me, and I kept running.

And I suddenly remembered, where should I go now?

I didn't know the way, I didn't know anyone recently, and I suddenly remembered someone who could help me.

I also had an idea, I would go to my old friend's house, stay for one night, and then tomorrow I would go to an orphanage or something like that for orphans. 

It's brutal, it's destructive, and it's dangerous. That's what my mind told me.

I tried to hurry to my friend's house, that is Tall, my only friend.

I stood at her door, knocking, ringing the bell and hoping she would open the door.

The road is dark with only a few street lights, I feel scared. My shirt was wet with blood and became cold, I was hurt, scared and finally, I sat on the ground and cries. 

My head was hot, and I cried desperately, I wanted to scream, I wanted to tear the silence of the night at one o'clock. And I didn't know that Tall opened the door, she got down on her knees, picked me up and helped me into the house.

She gave me water to drink, and tried to help me with first aid. But when she said I should go to the hospital, I stopped crying and refused.

I refused because the they would catch me on the way to the hospital. And I will run out of chances to escape. I asked her to give me first aid for my wound, and asked her for a set of clothes.

She lent me clothes, and let me sleep with her in the bedroom. I'm very grateful to her, and Tall knows what I'm dealing with. She kept me private, and she said she was ready to help me find another family if I decided to leave my current family.

I don't hesitate, I agree with her.

///

Tall said early morning, she will take me to a recent orphanage, and will protect me if my father and my stepmother to find me. I'm sure there's no way they reported the police to find a bad kid like me. They will give up after a time of finding without seeing me.

But the next morning, Tall let me sleep comfortably. She didn't wake me up early, she went to the kitchen to cook breakfast for both of us.

I woke up around nine o'clock in the morning. The cut was also slightly relieved, no longer painful and was carefully bandaged.

Tall made salads for us, she was gentle, her sweet voice and gestures made me feel safe.

Tall told me to change clothes and eat breakfast, and I did as she said. I borrowed Tall clothes, and she threw away my bloody one. 

Tall is still the same, I told her. She's always been a wonderful person, she's the one who helped me take a step to save my life.

After breakfast, Tall told me to sit in the bathroom, and she took the scissors, towel, and bag. She told me to sit down in a chair, in front of the mirror, and told me that I needed to change my appearance to avoid being recognized. 

I remained seated in my chair, while Tall placed the scarf around my neck and began to cut my long, tangled hair with scissors. 

She cut it really well, Tall turned my long hair into short, and my appearance after the short haircut wasn't bad either.

After the haircut, she took out the blonde hair dye and asked if I wanted to dye it, and I refused.

The reason is because of the two dreams I had, I wanted to verify.

And at the end, Tall gave me one of her discreet clothes. And let me put on a hat and sunglasses.

We took a taxi to the most district of the city. And Tall took me to a place called an international orphanage built by the British here.

And I don't understand why, at that time, I bit my wrist hard and pulled it away.

My wrist ache, it started to collect blood and turn red. Tall took me to inside of orphanage, and I kept saying this was a dreams.

And when I scream this is a dream, I fear that I will see my own body in a pool of blood, frozen. 

The people in the orphanage ran out and caught me. They constantly reassured me and took me into the large living room of the orphanage.

When I had calmed down, I looked around. Everything here is exactly the same as in the dream I saw. And I started to feel scared again.

I screamed and struggles while Tall told the people about my condition.

They understood, they gently reassured me, they gave me water. And when I regained my breath, I was in a desperate struggle.

Out of the door of a certain room, two people, a man and a woman, appeared to be elderly. Their faces looked surprised and worried.

"I heard screams!" The man said, "Is everything all right?"

He spoke English, a very sweet and pleasant British accent.

"Everything's fine, Mr. Eddie!" One person was reassuring me said.

Eddie, that man's name is Eddie. I looked at him while he looked back at me. And I suddenly cringe when the two of them walk over to me.

"Don't be afraid, sweetie!" Mr. Eddie said, his voice extremely soft.

"We don't want to hurt you!" The woman said. And the two of them stood a few centimeters away from me.

They are all British, I think. I'm in tears, I'm scared, Mr. Eddie said:

"Don't cry, sweetie, what's wrong?"

I don't have the courage to reply. They were too gentle with me, they looked at me with very gentle eyes, their eyes glittering with fresh light. 

The people in charge of my care led me into a medical room. They let me sit on the soft bed, they gave me water and cookies, they asked me if I wanted ice cream, I just shook my head slowly.

They gave me some books, and told me to wait here, they would go talk to the couple. The couple asked to speak to the people in charge.

When the curator left the room, Tall entered. She sat down on the chair next to my bed, smiling and holding my hand.

"Everything's fine, Chan! Everything's getting better!" Tall said softly.

I nodded, and she continued:

"Just now, I heard Mr. Eddie said he would adopt you!"

I sighed, not because I didn't believe it. It's because I don't want to hope for that.

I find it strange that when I believe in something good, it always goes against my will.

So when Tall said that, I felt a shiver and a fear.

"Chan, that's true, I know who those two are!" Tall said.

I looked at her and frowned, Tall continued:

"I mean I've seen those two, and I know their names!

I want to cry, I feel like peeing in my pants, I'm scared.

Tall hugged me, she patted me on the shoulder and told me to accept the good things to come. She knew my family wouldn't look for me, she knew when Mr. Eddie and his wife said they would adopt me, and they told the truth.

They say they will, Tall believes Westerners do not deceive children, especially a mentally ill child like me. 

I just kept quiet, but strangely enough, I believed what she said.

After a while, the person in charge came in with an excited look. She held a piece of paper in her hand, and said to me:

"We don't know each other yet, but I know what you're up against!"

She held out her hand, and I took her hand. She said:

"You're already a member of this place, Chan! And you won't need to contact your old family anymore!

My throat is dry, I said:

"Old family?"

"We want to adopt you, darling!"

Mr. Eddie, gently and politely stood in the doorway speaking to me. He smiled, a warm and kind smile. 

Those blue eyes made me feel safe, and I felt a tear drop out of the corner of my eye. 

Eddie walked over to me, pressed his warm hand to my cheek and wiped my tears with his fingers.

I bit my lip, I didn't want anyone to see me cry. Eddie hugged me, patted my head and he held me like that for a while.