Chapter 25: Give and Give

Harry's POV

"Harry... Harry..." narinig ko ang boses ni Ace na tila ginigising ako.

"Inaantok pa ko, mamaya mo na ko gisingin!" I answered.

"Ayaw mo sumagot ah?" Ace said.

I know that he was up to something kaya bumangon na ako at umupo.

But then, napatingin ako sa paligid and nagtaka ako since I was with Joker last night but now, I'm inside our tent! How the hell did I get here?

Nakatingin sa akin si Ace at nanliliit ang mga mata niya.

"Hmmmm..." Ace uttered.

"Why, Ace? What's wrong? Bakit ka nakatingin sa akin?" I asked.

"Hmmmm..." Ace uttered again then he closed our tent.

It's just the two of us now sa tent and I don't know what Ace is up to.

"Spill." Ace said.

"Huh? Anong spill? What do you mean?" I asked since I was really confused sa gustong ipahiwatig ni Ace.

"I saw you last night with Joker. He carried you and inuwi ka niya sa tent natin. What's between you and him?" Ace whispered.

"Earth to Ace? Okay ka lang? What do you mean by me and Joker?" I asked.

"'Wag ako, Harry. You know who I am. If I see BL things... unang una ako sa pila. You can't hide it from me. Kahapon ko pa kayo pinagmamasdan ni Joker and you two were so close to each other. Hindi naman kayo close sa isa't isa before. And what's more, are you having a fight with Chester?" Ace bombarded.

"Ace, seriously, ginising mo ko para lang dito?" I asked, "What the hell!"

"Okay, kung ayaw mo sumagot, then what's up between you and Chester? Hindi kayo nagusap kahapon all day after noong mahuli ko kayo sa C.R. What's the catch? Are you and Chester are having a fight?" Ace asked.

"No we're not. Isa pa, ano naman ang pag-aawayan namin ni Chester?" I asked.

"Wala talaga akong makukuhang sagot sayo ano?" Ace said.

No, I don't want to talk about it yet. I don't want to complicate things and ayoko muna makarinig ng kung ano-ano.

"Then, what's up with you and Joker. I saw you two last night. You're sleeping next to him... and isa pa, in his arms! You know that Joker has a girlfriend already, right? Gusto mo matulad sa akin na sumikat sa school news feed?" Ace said.

"We're not doing anything! Isa pa, hindi ko inaagaw si Kuya Joker from Ate Alaiza. I'm not that desperate. About me sleeping in his arms, wala lang 'yun." I answered.

Ace sighed and he said, "Harry, if you and Chester have a problem, don't use Joker as your shield or a sword para lang atakihin or pagselosin si Chester. It won't work and it's not good. You're my friend and ayoko na may masabi sila sa'yo. Good thing na walang ibang nakakita sa inyo ni Joker kagabi... or wala nga ba?"

"Relax, Ace. Tsaka isa pa, why would I do that to Chester? Bakit ko siya pagseselosin?" I asked him.

"Because you're testing him if may feelings siya sa'yo. Tinitingnan mo if magrereact siya by using Joker as your bait. Am I right or am I right?" Ace said.

Wala talaga nakakatakas sa mata niya. Tsk!

"No I'm not! Joker is too nice for me to use him as a bait!" I said.

"Okay, Harry. If you're ready and if you want to talk about it just let me know. If you need somebody to talk to na maiintindihan ka, I'm just right here. Don't you dare shoulder it all alone or I'll smack you right in the face at sisiguraduhin ko na magdudugo 'yang mukha mo until magising ka!" Ace said.

This Ace, he'll comfort you, but then will scold you. Haha!

"I'll be keeping my eyes on you, Harry." Ace said.

"Kung magawa mo 'yan. Haha! 'Di ka nga makatakas sa tatlo mong daddies." I said.

"Don't change the topic, Harry. This is not about me, this is about you." Ace said then sighed, "Lalabas na ako. Malapit na tayo tawagin for breakfast."

Then, lumabas ni si Ace sa tent and now, I'm all alone. Parang ayaw ko na muna lumabas. Parang feeling ko, hindi ko kakayanin. Dapat siguro hindi na pala ako sumama dito sa retreat na 'to. If only I've known na ganito pala ang kalalabasan ko.

Huminga muna ako nang malalim and kinuha ko ang bag ko. I saw may eyeglasses and my contact lenses container. Iniisip ko if I have to choose between the two, who would I pick?

I'd pick the eyeglasses but then I've remembered, baka mahirapan lang ako while wearing. So I've decided mag contact lenses na lang ako ulit.

Afterwards, lumabas na ako ng tent and nobody was there...

Tiningnan ko ang paligid ng open field but walang tao.

"Harry, gising ka na pala. Tara, let's go to the Village head's house. Doon tayo mag breakfast." I heard Joker's voice from behind me.

I was so happy to see him since akala ko, wala ng tao sa open field at ako na lang ang natira.

"Bakit nandito ka pa?" I asked him.

"Sabi kasi sa akin ni Ace, nasa tent ka pa and baka hindi mo daw alam ang venue kung saan tayo mag breakfast." Joker answered.

"Aahhh... okay." I said and smiled.

Hindi ko din maintindihan 'to si Ace. Sabi niya 'wag ako masyadong lumapit kay Joker since it would cause trouble, pero pinapahirapan niya pa ako. Baliw talaga 'yun!

We started walking again and the usual like greetings.

Tahimik lang kami habang naglalakad since wala kaming ma-topic ni Joker, but then he asked me, "Gusto mo ba bantayan ulit kita today?"

I really want to ask Joker why is he doing this. At the same time, gusto ko marinig ang sagot na he's doing it for me. But reality wise, it isn't and I know I won't get that answer. Pinaparusahan ko lang ang sarili ko.

"Nope, it's okay, Kuya Joker. Ayoko din masira 'yung ibang plans mo for today. Baka kasi nagulo ko na kahapon, tapos guguluhin ko na naman ngayon." I answered.

"Okay, if you need help, basta sabihin mo lang sa akin." Joker said and he messed up my hair again. "Oo nga pala, bago ko makalimutan, hindi ka na naman naka eye-glasses. Sinusunod mo 'yung payo ko ah? Haha!"

"Naisip ko lang, baka kasi mahirapan ako sa mga activities kapag nakasalamin ako." I answered.

"Hindi naman heavy 'yung activities today. Crafting and program lang naman para sa mga villagers ang mayroon today." Joker said.

"Ay ganoon ba? Wait, I'll go back sa tent. Magpapalit na lang ako ng eyeglasses." I said.

I was about to turn when Joker grabbed my hands and said, "Don't. No need to return and wag ka na mag eye-glasses. Okay na 'yan and you look better without the glasses. I can see your face clearer." he said and smiled.

I don't know if this guy is using his flirting skills sa akin or not or he's just being too friendly? Pero I can't really fall for his tricks, dahil it'll be too dangerous for me.

I was about to ask Joker if he likes me since he treats me too nicely when suddenly...

"Joker!" A girl's voice shouted his name.

It was Ate Alaiza.

She was waving at Joker and she looks so happy. I looked at Joker and he smiled, and the way he looks at her, punong puno ng pagmamahal.

"Nandito ka lang pala, kanina pa kita hinahanap." Ate Alaiza said as she walks towards Joker.

"Sasabayan ko lang si Harry papunta sa venue." Joker answered.

"Okay. Let's go together." Ate Alaiza said and then she held Joker's hand.

They were smiling at each other and I felt a sharp pain that's poking my heart seeing them together.

Bakit ako nasasaktan? Why do I feel so attacked? Why do I feel jealous towards Ate Alaiza? Do I like Joker already?

In that short span of time na nakasama ko siya, I felt important and loved, but I also forgot that he's commited. Yet, another failure for love that maybe I really don't deserve.

Naiinis ako sa sarili ko, bakit ba kasi ang bilis ko nahulog agad? Am I really desperate for love?

And there it goes, nagsimula na maglakad sina Joker and Ate Alaiza and he forgot na kasama nila ako. They were so sweet and while watching them walking together, I feel like naglalakad ako sa bubog.

Ang sakit sakit... pero bakit?

"Kuya Joker, Ate Alaiza..." I called them while I'm standing behind them, and they both looked at me as they were smiling at each other.

"Yes, Harry? You need something?" Ate Alaiza asked.

"Hindi na po ako magbe-breakfast. Hindi po kasi maganda pakiramdam ko. I'll just go to the clinic first." I said and I was waiting if Joker would come.

He said that he'll take care of me and I'm expecting that he'll come with me.

"Sure ka, Harry?" Ate Alaiza asked.

I looked at Joker and he's staring at Ate Alaiza's pretty face and hindi man lamang siya tumitingin sa akin when I said that I was not feeling good and I don't want to eat breakfast.

"Yes po, Ate Alaiza." I answered as I smiled but deep down, I was crying inside already.

"Okay. Kaya mo naman na pumunta sa clinic mag-isa, right?" Ate Alaiza asked.

I was waiting for Joker to say that sasamahan niya ako but he didn't. My tears were about to fall and I don't want them to see it. I don't want these tears to fall, I don't deserve to cry and not in front of them.

"Yes po. I'll go now." I said and tumalikod na ako sa kanila.

I walked slowly away from them, since in my heart, I'm still expecting Joker to come with me. Pero sino ba naman ako para piliin niya over his girlfriend. Why am I thinking that he likes me? Ang tanga ko lang. Natatawa ako sa sarili ko. I feel so pathetic, stupid, idiot, lahat na ng kabobohan sinalo ko na.

I tried to look back to check if Joker is still there, but no...

Naglalakad na sila papalayo sa akin and they were so sweet and nakaabay si Joker kay Ate Alaiza, and I was wishing that I was her. I wish na sana, I was the person that Joker was holding.

"Ang tanga ko!" I shouted while I was slapping my face.

Bakit ako nasasaktan kasi. Bakit ba ako nag eexpect agad na Joker also liked me? Pinakitaan lang ako ng nice actions, nahulog na agad ako?! Tama si Ace, hindi dapat ako lumapit kay Joker.

But then, I already felt attached and pakiramdam ko, I was giving my heart already... and pakiramdam ko, I already love Joker... more than loving Chester.

Hindi ako pumunta ng clinic but naghanap na lang ako ng isolated na lugar kung saan I can be alone and to think.

As I walk by, nakakita ako ng isang river and I decided to stay at that place since hearing the water flowing, I felt so peaceful.

I sat on a block of stone while watching the water flowing from the river. I saw a fish that's swimming differently and nilalabanan niya ang current ng river. In my mind, why would the fish swim in that direction. Bakit niya nilalabanan ang agos ng tubig... hindi ba siya nahihirapan? Dinadala siya ng tubig sa isang direction but yet he keeps on swimming sa ibang direction kung saan pinipigilan siya ng current. The fish is too stupid to swim the other way around.

And I thought that maybe, I was the fish. I'm forcing myself on something that I shouldn't be doing. I was the stupid damn fish...

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

It was around 5 p.m. already and hindi pa rin ako nakakaramdam ng gutom. Wala akong gana kumain and I don't know why.

I also felt so lonely and unimportant. Nobody looked for me and ang tagal kong nawala. I'm still hoping that Joker would come look for me... or even Chester maybe but I doubt that he will.

I've decided to go back since baka gumabi na and wala rin naman patutunguhan itong pagdadrama ko for the love that won't come. For the love I really don't think I deserve. Sa love na pinagpipilitan kong makuha...

I kept on walking towards the same route na tinahak ko kanina, but then, nagtataka na ako, since hindi ko na alam kung nasaan ako. I was lost... but I already was lost... in the first place.

Tumakbo na lang ako to make sure that I can return before dumilim, but then, I became scared since hindi ko na talaga alam kung saan ako pupunta. Paikot ikot na lang ako sa gubat and that's when I fell on the ground and it was too painful for me.

No one was there to pull me up, it was only me... In the end, ako lang din pala ang magmamahal sa sarili ko. I was about to stand up when I saw a red liquid on the ground where I fell. And when I checked it, dumudugo ang tuhod ko... dumudugo!

I see the blood flowing from my knee, I started to shiver and I can't move. I don't know what to do. I was crying for help since I'm afraid of blood and lalo na I'm seeing it flowing outside my body.

I want to shout but I can't... I feel na naninigas ako and I'm feeling that I'm starting to have a panic attack.

At this point, no one will ever find me.

I'm lost now.

Masyado akong mapilit. Masyado kong pinipilit talaga ang sarili ko.

Dumilim na and mas natakot na ako since nakaupo ako in the middle of the forest and walang kasama and with my knee still bleeding, I can't move.

I was crying but I don't know... I was not crying because of the pain that my bleeding knee was giving me... But, because of the pain that I was expecting that someone would show up...

I was expecting... Joker to show up and not Chester anymore. I was looking for him... and my heart is starting to look for him.

I laid down and closed my eyes as I felt so weak. Hindi pa ako kumakain and wala na akong energy to stand up and since makikita ko ang blood flowing from my knee, I won't be able to walk properly.

I looked at the night sky, and I was watching it differently than last night when I was with Joker.

"Harry?"

Someone just shouted my name.

"Harry?"

I heard it again... and it's a guy's voice.

I stood up to check who's calling my name and I shouted back to let him know where I was.

I saw a light coming from my right side... and papalapit nang papalit na 'yung light. The light started to go brighter since tumatama siya sa mata ko and I was not able to see who's the person that's calling my name.

Suddenly, I felt a warm hug from that person and I started to cry. I feel relieved...

I don't even know who that person was, but all I know is that I wanted a hug. A nice, warm and tender hug that will make me feel that I'm not alone.

Nakapikit pa rin ako while this person is hugging me since makikita ko ang dugo from my knee, so I really don't know who was hugging me.

"Kanina pa kita hinahanap. I thought nasa clinic ka, bakit ka nandito."

The voice was too familiar...

It was Joker...

I started crying since he came for me. He looked for me and he's here with me right now.

He tried to open my eyes slowly... I don't want to open my eyes since makikita ko ang dugo sa tuhod ko.

"It's okay, it's all gone. You can open your eyes now." he gently said.

I slowly opened my eyes and may bandage na ang tuhod ko and I looked at his face. He was smiling at me.

I wanted to smile at him back, but I started crying instead. I still feel hurt even though Joker is already here. Nasa isip ko, I won't be able to love this man anymore. I wish I could but I can't. I wish he was the man that I deserve, but he's taken.

"Kaya mo ba maglakad? Do you want me to give you a piggy-back ride?" Joker asked.

Ayoko na magsalita. I want to say I don't want to since aasa na naman ako. But then, biglang umupo si Joker and nakatalikod siya sa akin as if na gusto niyang sumampa ako sa likod niya.

"Come, I'll carry you, Harry. You won't have to be alone anymore." he said and I started crying, but I stayed quiet as I don't want him to worry.

Lumapit ako kay Joker and I hugged him from the back and tumayo na siya to carry me. I hugged him while he was carrying me, and I was thinking that sana, ganito na lang, I wish I can hug him and be with him.

He started walking and he keeps on asking me if okay lang ako sa likod niya.

At the back of my mind, why is he doing this for me. Why does he make me feel loved? He's commited to somebody else, yet he's showing me this kind of love that I won't get from him.

"Joker." I whispered.

"Ano 'yun?" he asked.

"Can you please stay... with me?" I asked him.

He stopped walking and he paused for a while. Joker didn't answer my question. I thought in times like these that silence means yes, but maybe it's a no this time.

But then, he started walking again...

"How long do you want me to stay with you?" he asked.

Hindi ko alam kung anong isasagot ko. I wanted to say that I wanted him to stay as long as I want to... As long as I can't love him anymore. 'Yung tipong wasak na wasak na 'yung puso ko.

"Hindi ka naman sumasagot eh. In that case, I'll stay with you hanggang sabihin mo na you want me to disappear." Joker said.

This was the answer that I was expecting. Hindi pa kami nakakarating sa open field, and I want to say na I want him to disappear before it's too late. Before I cause any trouble. Before I fall too deeply that no one will be able to catch me... walang sasalo sa akin if ever na mahulog ako since may iba siyang sasaluhin.

But then, I was too selfish, I also wanted love for myself.

I want Joker.

I want to be with him now more than anybody else.

As soon as we got back to our camp, binaba na ako ni Joker. Ace and the others hurriedly ran to me.

"Hoy, Harry! Saan ka ba nanggaling? Baliw ka talaga! Pinag alala mo kami! Kanina ka pa namin hinahanap. Where have you been?" Ace exclaimed.

I thought they weren't looking for me since I was not that important. I forgot I had friends. I forgot that Ace was still here.

Then, suddenly, somebody just hugged me and I was stunned.

"Kanina pa kita hinahanap. I'm sorry, Harry. Wag ka na lumayo ulit." the guy that was hugging me whispered... and it was Chester.

End of Chapter 25