Ch.10: Love gives

:: Syrath POV ::

I held Quinn's hand and lazily drew little circles on her wrist with my thumb. Her pallor looked better but she was frowning and was still restless in her sleep.

"Damn Quinn..." I whispered, bringing her hand to my cheek, enjoying the soft feel of her palm on my skin. "You can't catch a break, can you?"

I stayed with Quinn until she woke up. We talked about nonsensical things until Raziel came in with a bowl of soup, cut bread and fresh fruits. The three of us stayed in the room, quietly. My brother and I were oddly content just watching Quinn pick at her food.

"I'm fine now." She said to no one in particular, a bit annoyed. Quinn is not used to people taking care of her. Too bad because between me and Raziel, I'm sure we'd spoil her rotten for the next few days. Perhaps for life, if she allowed us to.

Raziel snorted in derision at her statement and Quinn glared at his direction. At least now she's lively enough and has the energy to glare at people. I was worried Quinn would be out for the count the whole day.

"I'm only sick during the mornings." Quinn pouted, still restless and poking her food. "After I rest, I'm usually fine."

My head snapped at that, my brain suddenly buzzing. I held Quinn's wrist to stop her from playing with the food and at the same time to read her pulse. "How long have you been having these morning spells, Quinn?" I asked gently, releasing her after I got the count.

I don't know what to make of all this. It's a long shot and might not be possible. But if my guess is correct, we're in for a huge surprise!

"I don't know, two weeks…" Quinn answered, biting her lower lip. She does that when she's deep in thought or unsure of something. It's an adorable habit, if you ask me.

"You said you haven't been eating well," I continued to prod. I also noticed her loss of appetite. But I thought it was due to depression over Raziel's rejection. I believed once she's in a better mood, Quinn's appetite would shift as well. "Do you get dizzy spells as well?"

"Yes, but those don't last long. At least not until today. I don't know what got into me. I suddenly felt so tired!" Quinn confessed. "Maybe what happened last night was too much for me."

It could be from the tension and the pressure of the past days. But if my guess is correct, Quinn will need special care and a lot of attention from now on. I mentally sighed and stared blankly at Quinn. This is the worst possible time for this sort of situation to occur. With the imminent threat on Quinn's life, this new development is going to put us in a very tight spot. If we don't handle this well, it could be fatal to Quinn. I don't even want to think how Raziel will react once realizes what's going on.

I gave Quinn a comforting pat on the back of her hand before I stood up. I need to think and I can't think straight with Raziel glaring daggers at me. "Eat and rest well." I said as I walked out of the room.

I wasn't surprised when Raziel followed me out of the room. If looks could kill, I'd be a bleeding corpse by now. He's been drilling holes through me the whole time I was questioning Quinn. I know there's no way to avoid my brother but I'm not sure if I should tell Raziel my wild guess or not. After all, even I am still reeling from the shock of it.

"You know what's wrong with her." Raziel said, going straight to the point. "Tell me!"

"No." I decided. Hopefully, I'm making the right call. I'm not sure if my guess is correct but the facts point in that direction. I'll need Orion and maybe Nuri to confirm my wild supposition. But for now, there's no need to alarm Raziel or Quinn. They could be spared from the news for a few hours, at least.

"Why the hell not?" Raziel blustered. He hates it when he doesn't have control over things and he hates it even more when people hide things from him.

"I have no conclusive evidence that what I suspect is possible. There are too many holes in the logic. We have to wait for Orion, he knows more than I do. Meanwhile, there's no cause for alarm." I answered calmly, hoping my explanation would appease my brother. "You have to trust me, Raziel. This isn't something that would hurt you or Quinn, possibly." I had to add that last bit because I don't know how this would turn out or how they'd react to it, if it's true.

"Damn you, Syrath! The last time you told me to trust you I ended up making an ass of myself. Now, I'm on the verge of losing my mate when you could have warned me and prepared me for her!" Raziel roared angrily as he grabbed the front of my shirt. "Either you tell me what's wrong with Quinn or I beat it out of you, choose!"

I would have responded to the threat, my brother never threatened to beat me before, if I weren't so shocked with what Raziel unthinkingly said about losing Quinn. I thought he didn't want his mate. I thought Raziel resents the idea of mating with someone not of dragon's blood and a halfbreed to boot. I thought nothing would ever change his mind. I mistakenly believed I knew my brother, well enough, to gauge his response to the mating call. But it appears I do not.

"What did you say?" I asked, holding his wrists only to find his body was shaking. Terribly.

Raziel breathed out harshly and let go of his hold on me. He turned away from me and slumped on the nearby wall. "I can't lose Quinn." He groaned in agony. "I have no right over her after what I put her through. Look, I don't care if she hates me. I don't care if she chooses you over me. I just want her safe, do you understand? I need to know she'd be safe…"

Raziel slid down on the floor and covered his face with his shaking hands and for the first time in our lives, I watched my brother cry. I felt wretched. Raziel showed subtle signs when he tried to ask me about how Quinn was doing and I chose to ignore it because I was too focused on my anger.

I couldn't understand him. I didn't want to and all this time Raziel was suffering. Maybe I could have handled the situation differently. But Raziel callously rejected his mate, the other half of himself. Quinn had done nothing to deserve it. I was so disappointed in my brother that I didn't try to look deeper or assess how he was really feeling.

I admit, I was jealous. Perhaps a bitter part of me wanted my brother to suffer. I was jealous of Raziel because he's been given a chance to be with his mate, a chance that I wasn't allowed to have.

Raziel doesn't know but I've heard the mating call before. When I felt the resonance and saw my mate for the first time, I knew I was doomed for heartache and it was only a matter of time. There was nothing I could do about it because my mate turned out to be human; too fragile, easily hurt and with a limited number of years to live. But despite all the odds I tried to be with her, protect her. I loved my mate more than life itself and when she was unexpectedly taken from me, it broke me.

Quinn is half fae. She wouldn't live as long as Raziel but she'd come close. Dragons could live to be more than a thousand years old and I heard of some faeries could live until at least eight hundred or so.

But because Quinn is half fae, she could only live half of that lifespan, perhaps a decade or two more. Still, the two of them would have time, enough to spend and lavish on each other. They could build a life together if they want to and the time they have together would be long enough for the both of them to be happy and content. I never had the chance with my mate but my brother could. Quinn could. It seems unfair but it's the way life is.

"I love her too, you know." I confessed. For the first time I admitted my feelings out loud, for Raziel to hear. "It's hard not to love Quinn…"

My feelings for Quinn are more than brotherly or that of a friend. I realized it early that's why I was scared to look deeper into the connection that we have because if I do, I might become selfish and keep her for myself.

I had three years of loving Quinn in secret. I silently supported her and treated her gently. Preciously. Given time and chance, I could love her more and she could learn to love me back with equal measure. I know it's possible for us. But my feelings for Quinn are not of the same intensity as Raziel's.

I never felt guilt for loving Quinn because I never thought of doing something about my feelings for her. I only wanted to be there for her, to be her support and her pillar of strength. I wanted to be Quinn's guiding light whenever she feels lost.

And I became all that, with the possibility of being more. I did what I could to comfort her when she needed me. I know, in the future, I would keep on loving Quinn like I do now. But this is not about me and it's not about what I want.

"Quinn and I, we have a connection. Maybe it's because when I first saw her cry, I felt the intense need to protect her and make her happy. I don't know how it happened but I love her, Raz."

My brother looked pained at my confession and I could clearly see his fears. The fear of Quinn's rejection and being too late to try and fight for her. Raziel is terrified that he might not be given a second chance to claim what was originally his.

He's wrong of course. Raziel will have a second chance, a third and a fourth. It doesn't matter how many chances he needs because Quinn would always grant it to him. It's not because they're mated and fated to be together, but just because it's in Quinn's nature. Quinn is too giving and loving, she's loyal and steadfast. She cares too deeply to deny anyone anything, especially Raziel.

My confession wasn't meant to hurt my brother or to scare him. But to help him understand. Whatever Quinn and I have between us, it would never be broken, regardless of what happens to their relationship. And if Raziel cannot accept it, then it's best for them to part now. Sooner or later the doubt and jealousy would eat at him and he would lash out, again. And I will not have him hurt Quinn. Never again!

Before, I watched quietly as Quinn plunged, headfirst, towards heartbreak. I knew what the resonance of the mating call could do to a dragon and Quinn made her choice clear. But this time, I cannot be a bystander. Quinn had grown more precious to me and if something threatens her, then I would do more than intervene on her behalf.

"Quinn loves me too." I know she does. "But not the same way she loves you."

Raziel's head snapped up to look at me. His expression was hopeful but then he turned away and stared dejectedly at the floor.

"I did a lot of unforgivable things," he said quietly. "No matter how much Quinn loves me, it might not be enough for her to forgive me."

I wanted to laugh but this isn't the time. What an fucking idiot! I wanted to clock him, to knock some sense into his head. He hasn't even tried and he already thinks he'd fail. I shook my head and sighed.

I could prey on Raziel's doubts, push things to my advantage. I'd get what I want and I'd be happy with it. But I won't. I can't.

Raziel and Quinn are equally precious to me. Right now, they don't need anyone except each other. And in the end, there's only one thing for me to do. It's time for me to step aside.

:: Raziel POV ::

Syrath knows. I've seen that look on my brother's face. He wouldn't be questioning Quinn if he doesn't have an idea as to what's wrong with her and I am going to find out one way or another!

"You know what's wrong with her." I said, trying hard not to grab Syrath and shake the truth out of him. "Tell me!"

My brother could be stubborn, if he has a mind to. But Syrath could be reasoned with, most times. If he has a clue as to what's hurting Quinn, he'd spill it sooner or later. But I'd rather he tell me now because I'm a hair's breadth away from shredding my self restraint and torching the whole of Saints' Isle.

"No." Syrath answered and I resisted the urge to strangle him and set him on fire.

"Why the hell not?" I snarled.

I don't understand why Syrath can't tell me. I need to know what's wrong with Quinn. The sooner we know what's hurting her, the sooner we can fix it. I don't want Quinn to suffer longer than necessary.

"I have no conclusive evidence that what I suspect is even possible. There are too many holes in the logic. We have to wait for Orion, he knows more than I do. Meanwhile, there's no cause for alarm." Syrath explained, in his usual persuasive and evasive manner. It's maddening, how calm and rational he sounded. It was as if everything was right and perfect in the world. "You have to trust me. This isn't something that would hurt you or Quinn, possibly."

Trust him? Possibly? My insides burned and I felt sparks shoot off my fingertips.

I trust my brother more than he knows or gives me credit for, that's for sure. But when it comes to my relationship with Quinn, I'd sooner gut myself than listen to him. Never again! I've had enough of their meddling and thinking it's best to keep us, me in particular, in the dark, waiting for the next fucking wall to collapse!

"Damn you, Syrath! The last time you told me to trust you, I ended up making an ass of myself. Now, I'm on the verge of losing my mate when you could have warned me and prepared me for her!" I roared, grabbing the front of his shirt trying hard not to burn it to ashes.

It's not right to blame Syrath. It's not my brother's fault. Everything that happened between Quinn and me was the result of our choices, our mistakes. But deep down, a part of me might have expected Syrath to do some things differently. I am still unreconciled with the fact that they kept me in the dark for so long. It's my life. I have a say on what happens with it, trance or no trance.

Yes, I would have blown everything out of proportion and possibly lose my one shot at happiness, indefinitely. But I wouldn't have regrets regardless of my choices because I know I choose to do it. There was a huge possibility that I'd fuck it up but at least I know I was the only person accountable for it.

If they'd given me a chance, if I'd known what was happening maybe things would have gone differently. I would have distanced myself from Quinn, initially, but I'd have time to adjust to the idea of what's going on between us.

I'd still be an asshole and a fucking bastard, I wouldn't be able to change that. But I would have adapted to the situation, eventually. If they'd given me the choice, a chance, I could have figured out how to go about it on my pace, on my terms.

But everything was sprung on me at the same time. Of course my initial reaction was to lash out and do what they all believed I'd do. And in the process, I hurt Quinn. Irrevocably. Now I'm on the verge of losing my mate and for the life of me, I don't know where to start making it up to her.

I want Quinn. I need her. It took me a while but I'm certain I'd never want anyone as much as I want Quinn. But because of a series of events that we had no control over, I've carelessly broken her. Now, I don't know how to put back the pieces. I don't even know if I'd ever get the chance to.

"Either you tell me what's wrong with Quinn or I beat it out of you." I threatened half out of my mind with worry. "Choose!"

Syrath looked at me strangely and quietly asked. "What did you say?"

I tried to calm myself by exhaling loudly. I ruthlessly suppressed my wild instincts and held my anger and fear at bay. I slowly let Syrath go before turning away. I couldn't look at him.

"I can't lose Quinn." I slumped on the nearby wall, for the first time admitting out loud what I feel. Just the thought of losing Quinn was enough to drain the strength out of me. "I have no right over her after what I put her through. Look, I don't care if she hates me. I don't care if she chooses you over me. I just want her safe, do you understand? I need to know she'd be safe…"

I didn't notice when I slid down on the floor or for how long I stayed there. All I felt were the quiet sobs that tore from my throat. I buried my face in my hands and cried. I don't care if I looked pathetic. I've restrained myself long enough. I have to let it out or I'll explode!

I can't lose Quinn. If I do, I'd go out of my mind! It's fine if she doesn't want me. It's fine if she doesn't love me back. And it's fine if she chooses someone else over me. I want to make sure she's safe and happy, that's all I want. Once I'm certain she has that, I swear I'll leave her alone.

"I love her too you know," Syrath confessed and I felt my body tense. I had my suspicions but to actually hear my brother state his feelings out loud hurts more than I thought it would. "It's hard not to love Quinn."

I was afraid of this. I was afraid my brother would fall in love with the same person as I do. I knew they were getting close. I also know I'm the one who pushed them together. There's a big possibility that I might have to step aside and make way for Syrath. But why Quinn? Why couldn't Syrath choose someone else?

I understand that falling in love is not always a choice, sometimes it just happens. And as Syrath said, it's hard not to fall for Quinn. But he's my brother! If we were in love with the same person, regardless of who gets to be with Quinn, in the end both of us would be hurt.

"Quinn and I, we have a connection."

Honestly, I don't want to hear my brother confess his feelings for my mate. But if I'm to understand the relationship between them and if I intend to protect and stand by Quinn, to the end, then I must hear him out, even if it kills me!

"Maybe it's because when I first saw her cry, I felt the intense need to protect her and make her happy. I don't know how it happened but I love her, Raz."

It pains me, not just because it's Syrath. To hear someone declare their feelings for Quinn wounds me, deeply. And it scares the shit out of me. Who would choose me over Syrath? Over anyone else?

I'm temperamental most days and a hell to be with on bad days. Compare me to my brother and I'll always come short. I lack the things that Syrath has in abundance and he doesn't even have to try or make an effort. I'm no competition compared to my brother. I'm not even half the man my brother is.

"Quinn loves me too..." That hits the spot!

I know Syrath is telling the truth, that's the worst part of this confession. The scene in the kitchen this morning made it obvious that Quinn sees Syrath as someone special. It would kill me if they get together now. But if Quinn wants my brother, I swear I would not get in their way. I resigned myself to the fact.

"But not the same way she loves you." Syrath continued.

I raised my head to look up at him, to see if he was mocking me, if he was being serious. I'm afraid to hope, to expect. But if there's a slight possibility, even a slim chance that Quinn would take me back, I'd work hard to earn and keep it. I'll do my best not to fuck up. But knowing all the shit I put her through, Quinn would have to be insane to take a chance on someone like me. No, not after I messed up everything and cruelly rejected her to salvage my pride.

Given the choice, anyone would choose someone who will be there for them through thick and thin. It's natural to choose someone you could rely on, someone who'd take care of you and choose you above others without hesitation. Only an insane person would choose someone who breaks everything without thought. It's absurd to consider being with someone who thoughtlessly broke you and cast you aside because every creature has their own pride.

Again, who would choose me over my brother? Hell, I'd choose Syrath over me in a heartbeat!

"I did a lot of unforgivable things," I answered quietly. I have a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that soon, my resolve would be thoroughly tested. Quinn doesn't need someone like me. And she, definitely, wouldn't want anyone like me. I shouldn't think of having a second chance with her.

I could protect Quinn, make sure she's doing fine. But in time, I'd fade into the background and watch over her from afar. In the future, I'd be nothing but a tough lesson for her, a very tough and memorable lesson.

"No matter how much Quinn loves me, it might not be enough for her to forgive me."

How could Quinn forgive me when I can't forgive myself?