Ch.17: Love is a struggle

:: Quinn POV ::

I'm going to kill him! I swear I'm going to break every bone in his body and kill him. That is, if he doesn't drive me insane first. Ugh! He makes me so mad. I want to skin him alive and gut him just to hear him scream.

I stomped furiously towards the living room, where Syrath and Nuri have been silently arguing, again, for the past hour. Seriously, they should stop with the angry whispers. It's not like we cannot hear them when their tempers start to get the best of them. These past days, the house seems more like a war zone than a refuge, if I have to be brutally honest.

"Can someone please tell Raziel that I am not an invalid!" I screeched as I walked to the living room with Raziel following stiffly behind me. "Can anyone tell him that I am not incapacitated, in any way, and I am definitely not on my death bed!"

Raziel's been treating me like I'm going to break at the slightest movement. Don't get me wrong, I like that he's there, always ready to help. But his coddling behavior is getting out of hand. It was amusing at first but now it's downright annoying!

"Quinn, I only suggested a nap. You looked sleepy and I thought you might want to rest. If I overstepped, I'm sorry." Raziel explained gently, slowly, like he's talking to an ignorant child. Like he's facing someone who doesn't comprehend anything! "Please sit down before you hurt yourself."

"Goddamn it, I'm fine!" I snapped angrily before I swayed sideways. I suddenly feel woozy, blood rushed through my head making my vision blur.

This is all his fault! He's making me angry.

"Here," Raziel took me by the elbows and sat me down on the couch. I was too weak to protest or argue. "I'll get you water."

"I don't need fucking water!" I yelled, irritation blazing out of me. "You're driving me crazy!"

"I'm sorry," Raziel said worriedly, turning to Syrath and Nuri for help. "Calm down, everything is fine."

No, everything is definitely not fine! Raziel is patronizing me. I know he is! He keeps treating me like a child. Acting like I don't know my own body. I know my limits, goddamn it! I don't need him to tell me when to rest and when not to. I'm not a child. I can decide on my own!

If I weren't so dizzy I'd be screaming to the top of my lungs right now. Why is he doing this? I get that he's worried about me and the babies but this is too much. All the fussing, the worrying, it's not like I'm doing something that I shouldn't. I'm taking good care of myself. I know how to take care of myself for fuck's sake!

I just want to be left alone for a minute, to do something on my own for a change. I just wanted some fucking space to breathe!

"Quinn," Nuri called out to get my attention. She sat beside me and held my hand. But I chose to ignore her and continued to shout insane profanities at Raziel. "Quinn, look at me." She urged gently, lightly squeezing my hand.

I glared at Raziel, for another second, before scowling at Nuri. She's looking at me intently. I hate it. I hate when they all look at me like that, like I'm a ticking time bomb!

"Breathe…" Nuri soothed, lightly rubbing my hand. "Raziel is worried about you. We all are. You know that, right? If he did something to upset you we'll tell him to stop, okay?"

"Talk to him, please. He's driving me insane!" I whined, pointing an accusing finger at Raziel with tears misting in my eyes. "I don't like it when he smothers me! I-I don't… I don't l-like it when h-he… w-when he…" I unconsciously closed my eyes and breathed in deeply. Ah this feels nice…

The anger slowly left me, like all the fight was drained out of me. I started to feel more lightweight and calm, collected, than I did just a minute or so ago.

I don't know what's going on with me but they keep saying it's normal. I've been having anger management issues and Nuri has been a huge help. She's been taking in all the negative emotions I've been feeling from time to time and helps me calm down.

Nuri warned me that I will have very terrible mood swings but I didn't think it would be explosions of unexplainable rage and would happen this often at the slightest provocation.

When I get angry, my insides burn like I'm having a very high fever. All I could focus on is the anger and all my anxiety and fears bubble up to the surface. It clouds every rationality and I lash out.

It's petty, I know, but I can't seem to stop. I'm afraid that if I do, I'd burn or explode. Sometimes I feel like I just want to hit something or hurt someone who dares to approach or defy me.

Honestly, I'm starting to feel like a lunatic. When I'm on the rampage all the anger I'm feeling seems reasonable. But once I'm calm I don't clearly remember what set me off in the first place.

Nuri said the closer we are to delivery the more heightened and uncontrollable my emotions would become. Which means if I am, right now, contemplating physically injuring Raziel perhaps by the time I'm ready to give birth I probably would have murdered him already.

Nuri and Syrath are smart enough to stay away when I'm starting to show signs of irritation. I don't know why Raziel is willing to take the brunt of it.

"Feeling better?" Nuri asked as she tentatively smiled at me. The current situation must be hard for her too.

I nodded meekly, shifting on my seat as she let go of my hand. I feel uncomfortable. Now that my mind is clear, I'm reminded that this is probably the fifth or sixth time, today, that I blew up for absolutely nothing, with Raziel on the receiving end of my wrath.

"I'm sorry." I whispered, looking apologetically at Raziel. "I can't seem to stop snapping at you."

He chuckled and sat down beside me. "It's natural in your condition, Quinn, and besides I can take it."

I'm thankful that Raziel is taking all this in good humor. But how long will his patience last? Frankly, if it had been me in his place, I don't think I'd be able to take half of the things I say to him. To put it bluntly, I've been positively cruel and heedless with my words. If Raziel knows I'm contemplating murder when I'm having one of my 'episodes' I doubt he'd continue to be so accommodating.

"I know of a dragoness who once set her husband's hair on fire just because she didn't like the way it was combed that morning."

"Now I know you're lying just to make me feel better." And it's not accomplishing its desired effect to be honest, but I would never tell him that.

Raziel's been a great sport, so far. He keeps reassuring me that it doesn't matter what I do to him. I can vent all I want if it makes me feel better. That it's only natural due to the nature of my condition.

Apparently, dragons become vicious when they're expecting and despite the fact that I am half fae, it seems my dragon's blood is thicker than we first thought.

I know Raziel understands. He's doing all he could to make me feel less guilty. But it doesn't cancel the fact that when I am blind with rage, I say very hurtful things. And I could see a hint of pain and panic in Raziel's eyes every time I screamed and screeched at him. It doesn't escape my notice that some of the words I say, though spoken in a fit of unexplainable and uncontrollable rage, cut him in ways that, deep down, he fears some of them might bear truth and meaning.

Raziel and I are on a very sensitive stage in our relationship. We just accepted each other and are starting to get the feel back from under our feet. We are now treading on unknown territory. Both of us are unsure of what will happen next. And though we admitted that we are equally wrong for what happened before and reconciled to do better, there are some things that rankles deep below the surface.

"On the contrary," Syrath cut in, his eyes shining with mirth and humor. "Athair confessed that having his hair set ablaze taught him never to grow his locks longer than Máthair thought appropriate. And to always take her preferences into account."

Raziel laughed. "I heard Máthair threatened to run him through with his sword if he dared to use magic to grow his hair back. Athair had to walk around and go about his business with his hair half singed for a whole day. But Máthair repaired the damage while he was sleeping once she was right and proper again."

I gawked at Raziel and Syrath as they recalled and retold stories of how their mother made their father's life an adventure, for lack of better term, while she was still carrying them in her womb. I could tell they were a very close family. And from the way the brothers talk about their parents, it's plain to see they still miss them very much.

This, of course, comes as a surprise. Raziel and Syrath don't talk about their parents often. As a matter of fact, I've never heard them mentioned before today. It's refreshing to see another part of the brothers that they don't normally exhibit for the world to see.

"Quinn," Nuri whispered as she took my hand in hers again.

I didn't realize I was crying until she reached out to wipe the tears away. Aside from rage, I seem to be overly emotional and cry at the smallest things. But I think I could be excused for this one. This is a rare and happy occasion!

"I…" I could feel more tears threatening to spill and a frightful blush coming on but I can't seem to stop. Thankfully, Nuri doesn't seem to mind.

"You don't need to explain." Nuri smiled in understanding. "I can feel it too."

:: Raziel POV ::

Quinn is on a warpath and her eyes are locked on me. I've had about twelve hours of pure and utter bliss after we reconciled before hell descended.

I'd be lying if I say that some of the things she screams at me, in the fit of anger, doesn't affect me. I try not to show any form of reaction when she's verbally abusing me. But there are some words that come out of Quinn's mouth that I find hard to ignore. But I'm not that petty to hold it against her.

Nuri warned me that Quinn would have mood swings and she won't be able to control her emotions as well as she would like to. And I know it's normal for a dragoness to become more violent and cruel when they're gestating, more so when nesting. It's their natural instinct kicking in to protect the young.

I was hoping Quinn's propensity for violence would be curbed by her fae instincts but it seems the blood of Uther Wycliffe runs thick in her veins. Nuri said that at this stage of the pregnancy, Quinn's mindset and instincts are more of a dragon than a fae.

I've been very careful not to trigger her temper. I've been warned that although it's not physically taxing for Quinn, it was emotionally draining. And I can see that the guilt is wearing her down. After every episode Quinn is reluctant to talk or even look at me. Her first words were always that of apology. Quinn becomes withdrawn and unresponsive after each episode and I have to coax her to feel happy again.

It's frustrating that I can't do much for Quinn except be her emotional punching bag. I don't know how expecting fathers take this kind of pressure. Facing a legion of armed and bloodthirsty soldiers is easier than this. The worry for Quinn and the twins is, I'm ashamed to admit, is starting to wear on me too.

"Are you sure she's doing okay?" I whispered to Nuri as I watched Quinn disappear to our room. "It's happening more frequently."

This is the tenth episode today, not counting the close calls that I managed to wrinkle out by diverting Quinn's attention to other things. It's taking a toll on Nuri too. She can't keep taking in Quinn's overpowering emotions, so often, and not be affected by them.

"Honestly, I can't tell if this is a good or bad thing. She's more vicious now. I can feel her emotions seeping out without physically connecting with her. I try to take in as much as I can but it's starting to overwhelm me." Nuri said, biting the tip of her thumb. "If only I could feel the twins properly, maybe I could sense what's agitating them."

"You still can't feel them?" It's been a few days and Nuri should be able to monitor the twins, even a little, by now.

"No, not really." Nuri confessed, her eyes downcast like she felt like a failure in some way. "They're blocking me out, or one of them is blocking me."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm positive that one of the twins is a dragonling and the other is fae. They're forming well as far as I can tell. But your fae child is blocking me off every time I try to touch its sibling. It's protecting him, shielding him from everything and everyone." Nuri explained. "I don't know what to make of it, to be honest. I never encountered anything like this before. It's fascinating and at the same time quite daunting."

Indeed it is. The babe is barely formed and it could already utilize that much strength to block off magic. Nuri may have just reached maturity but she is by no means powerless or weak. If anything, being a child of an elder and having natural talents of her own makes Nuri quite formidable. But my child is easily blocking her off to protect its twin.

I don't know how I feel about this. Quinn is carrying a Dragon Lord and a fae with unfathomable magic. She may have supernatural blood in her but we cannot disregard the fact that Quinn is part human, fragile and weak, easily breakable.

"Is this safe for Quinn? All this strength and power being drained out of her, will it cause some sort of problem for her in the future? Will it harm Quinn in some way once the children are born?"

I need to know. My first priority is and will always be Quinn. I don't know what I will do if something happens to her!

Nuri looked at me and I could see the truth in her eyes even before I heard the words.

Quinn would not come out of this pregnancy unscathed. There are consequences that she'd have to pay for bringing forth two powerful beings into the world. Quinn would live, probably. But it's all up to fate. And fate is a fucking bitch!

"There's a high probability that Quinn might lose her magic for good. And with her magic gone, Quinn's lifespan might…"

"NO!" I cut her off. I don't need to hear the rest of it. Not having it said out loud might or hear it makes the possibility of it happening diminish or become nonexistent.

Quinn is carrying our children, nurturing them with her life essence. Quinn is fighting that battle on her own while all I could do is watch. I can only be there for her when she needs me. And there are still forces out there intent on harming Quinn. But in that score, I am confident I can protect her if need be.

If I focus, now, on what could happen to Quinn once the children are born, I might falter. I can't delve deeper into thoughts of 'what ifs', not right now. If I do, I might break. I don't have that sort of luxury, not right now. I have a family to protect.