Chapter 65

I've decided to have a long soak in the bath, play some soft music and light a few candles. I may even give myself a manicure and do a face mask too. After the day I have had a little pampering will go down a treat. I'm dreading them all coming home, there are conversations that need to be had with a few of them and none of those are going to be easy.

The hot water is running, I have poured some rosemary scented bubbles in and have just put on a chill out playlist on my phone. There are 4 candles in the bathroom and I light them all, they are not scented, but the light they give off is lovely when you turn the main bathroom light off. When I am happy it is filled enough and as hot as I like I strip off and climb in.

Holding my breath I slide down letting my head go under, momentarily I think about staying there and never coming up again, but as quickly as I do, I dismiss it and move back up inhaling fresh air as I go. I often have lapses like this, thoughts that the world will be better off without me, but I am much more likely to ignore these and reiterate my mantra to myself to send them packing. 'You are kind, you are worthy, you are important and people need you'.

I have the biggest reason to stay alive now, my sweet little Daughter. I would never choose to leave her, I will remain strong for her, she deserves to have me in her life as she grows, and also, I will never let a man have that kind of power over me again. As much as I love Namjoon, as much as this hurts right now, if we can't fix us I will be ok without him. I am capable of being independent, I have done it before, clearly not with a baby, but I would adapt. I am resilient.

I lay for a while and enjoy the music and the tingle of the heat on my skin but then feel the need to get out so I wash my hair, shave my legs and underarms and get out. I have this weird need to just quickly jump into the shower and rinse off, so put the water on. As much as baths are lovely, you sit in your own dirt, so I am definitely more of a shower girl. Once I'm all done I wrap a towel around me and pop my hair up into another, remembering to blow out the candles and grabbing my phone I head back into the main room.

I'm startled as Namjoon is sitting on the bed. They came back earlier today. My stomach flips. I thought I had longer to prepare myself for this conversation. I was hoping to be dressed and looking amazing, I know it's childish but I wanted him to look at me and think 'fuck she is hot' but instead he has got me damp and natural.

Neither one of us speaks, it's awkward, who starts, do you exchange pleasantries like how was your day dear? I turn off the music and carry on with what I was going to do which is to moisturise. I grab my bottle of expensive cream, drop the towel and start to smear it all over myself, propping my legs up on the bed to get down to my ankles and calves better. There has been many a time before after watching me do this that it has lead to sex, that is not happening today. He still has her residue on him!

Finally he opens his mouth and starts to speak. "Are you feeling any better now you have rested?" I simply reply "yes". He readjusts his position, moving further back onto the bed and pulling his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around his legs. The same position I sit in for awkward conversations. It's protective. "Ok, good, that's good. I'm glad you feel better" he says in a nervous voice. He is trying to look me in the eyes but I am purposely keeping focused on my task. I can't do that yet, I need to stay strong, his eyes always make me melt.

"I can say I am sorry until I am blue in the face but that won't make a difference to how hurt and betrayed you feel. I know that.  But, I am so sorry for what I have done. Not just today, but yesterday too. The whole argument was ridiculous and unnecessary. I should have believed what you were saying, apologised for being a jealous idiot and moved on. I should have told you that I have been struggling, confided in you about my feelings and let you help me. Instead I pushed you away, let my low self esteem and hate I feel toward myself lead me down a path towards self destruction and then today pressed that demolition button. I don't know how it happened, I don't know why it happened, I certainly didn't look at her yesterday and think about having sex with her, and you have to believe me, as soon as I realised what was happening I wanted to stop it, I just didn't know how to and then you were there and it was like a nightmare. I never want to see that look on your face again. That shock, upset and disappointment in me will haunt me forever. Aimee, I think I need some help to work on these issues I have, I owe it to you and myself to get back to me, I just hope you will stay with me and let me prove to you that you and Jangmi are the most important things in my life and that I love you both to the moon and back and don't want to lose you! I am prepared to do everything and anything you want me to do to fix us. Just tell me what you want".

I have finished moisturising myself, my skin looks smooth, soft and glossy. I take a cami and short set out of the drawer and pull them on, the silk feeling lovely as I do. I remove my hair from the towel and let it fall over my shoulders and begin to brush it slowly. Finally I look at him. He looks like a little lost boy who has had his puppy stolen, a faint bruise on his right cheek and left eye from the punches JK threw. Most of me wants to launch myself at him and kiss him all over saying everything will be ok, but the cool headed part of me is in control right now. With a very even, well controlled non emotional voice I simply say "let's start by washing her off of you shall we?"