Memory 9 | Lean On Me

GIA'S POV:

My eyes kept darting back to my wristwatch over and over again as I felt annoyance slowly replacing the longing. As a feeble attempt at diversion, my fingers began tapping on the table impatiently while my eyes remained glued to the empty street.

"Seolma! Am I being stood up again?" I groaned, dialling the first number on my call log and it dropped to the voice message again, irritating me further.

Stuffing the hopeless device inside the bag, my hands fumbled for a while before grabbing onto another device as it emerged with a well-tangled piece of earphone wires along. I exhaled a deep sigh before starting to calmly disentangle every knot until the wire was perfectly straight again. Plugging it into the mp3 player, I let the playlist run on shuffle and leaned back in my seat.

"Geurae... geurae... I'll be patient..." I muttered under my breath as one of my favourite songs began playing and my mood started to get better while I hummed along.

♫ "In between the continuous trips

The thing that finds me again

It is your voice carried by the wind

Can you forget?

Day by day

The day that you aren't here

Becomes a memory like yesterday

It burdens me so much

One day just for only one day

If only my hand can wipe your tears

Then I will tell you..." ♫

"My everything..."

I felt my pulse instantly shoot at the sound of that familiar voice, as he harmonised with the last line of that romantic chorus in his raspy voice. His warm breath was obviously tracing my ears, specifying the lack of distance between us as I took a deep breath. Noticing the stiffness in my posture, he began to chuckle softly and that was enough trigger to return to my initial murderous mode. My eyes shot open in a whip and I began attacking the boy with my bag as he screamed in a jolt.

"Yah! Yah! Mian-hae! The practice time was extended and my phone died! MIAN-HAE!"

He was straining to block my assaults but I didn't stop at all. I was hitting him with all my might for standing me up for a whole week and I haven't even start with the calls and messages yet. After several unsuccessful defence attempts, he finally gave up and sat still, allowing me to attack him around the clock without any obstacles. Being well aware of his extreme strength, I repeatedly punched his solid arms with force but he just sat there unflinching to the strikes, infuriating me further.

"Wae? Wae? Why aren't you fighting back?" I punched him harder.

"Because I know that it was wrong of me to leave you hanging, so I deserve to be hit. You can even curse at me if that'll make you feel better." His effortless words halted me immediately as I cast a closer glance at his captivating face.

Regardless of the naturally flawless beauty, the boy still appeared thoroughly beaten. His usually bright and bubbly face was dull and there were visible circles of dusk around his swollen eyes, signifying a noticeable lack of sleep. That's when I realized that he was completely drained due to both school plus training and here I was, making things harder on him. My originally sulky mood died out in a blink, as a huge storm of regret clouded over my heart. I felt completely useless and inconsiderate of his genuine efforts at balancing between academics and ambition, alongside allotting time for me, despite the tight schedule.

Though he already had pretty much a lot on his own plate, he still spared time to help me adjust to the city and the new environment while all I did was complaining about the mean kids at school every day. And it has only been about a week since he couldn't make it to our hangouts as promised, and I felt really silly for overreacting about it. While I was mentally scolding my insensitivity, I heard him moving his chair closer to mine as his warm hand reached out to me. He gently began stroking my cheek, wiping the unconscious brook of guilt-ridden tears that were pouring on their own accord.

"Ehmm... for some reason, your tears seem hotter today... Mira-yah, is everything okay?" He slanted his head to the side as he watched me try and fail at stopping the tears. Smiling a little to himself in silence, he rose from his seat and began to gather both of our belongings.

"Gaja!" He lightly pulled me up and I followed without protest as we walked out of the café in complete silence. Like I'd already predicted, he led us to our usual playground that looked over at the huge field of canolas as I inhaled the familiar scent of our favourite spot but unlike our usual routines, he skipped the swings and slides and walked right over to the nearest bench instead.

"What happened? Is it those bullies in school again?" He softly asked, while tucking a stray strand of hair behind my ear. The warmth of his touch was magically bettering my gloomy mood.

"Emmm... It's just the same thing over and over again. Only this time it got a bit worse than before and the teachers got involved too. I just don't get why they hate me so much, Won-ah. Especially, San Ha. I didn't do anything to her at all whereas all she ever does is pick on me. What's wrong with an orphan getting a sports scholarship? How is it my fault that I have no parents or family? I didn't choose this life..." I struggled to continue further as sobs built up and choked my vocal cords.

"In this world, there's always more idiots than good people but don't worry, Mira-yah-" He moved closer, taking my hands in his as he gazed into my eyes ardently, "-I'm here for you and I'll protect you from all that."

Although those words bore a pretty heavyweight, he still seemed strong enough to keep them and I chose to believe him with no terms applied. For the first time in the whole vile week, I felt truly touched and happy. Unconsciously, more streams of tears poured down my eyes as I memorized the image of the only boy I've ever cared so much for, as the said boy panicked a little.

"Yah... Ulji-ma... hmm? Seeing you shed tears, breaks my heart badly. Please, don't cry... HEUNG! HEUNG! UJJI-MALA, MILA-YAH!" I couldn't help but laugh amidst the tears when he suddenly started to act all cute and it was seriously adorable. Encouraged by the positive feedback, he thoughtlessly began to throw all kinds of aegyo assaults as I was finally able to laugh wholeheartedly. The boy stopped to stare at me for a moment before shaking his head with a wide grin as he spread his right arm towards me.

"Joh-a, come here!" Pulling me closer, he ordered tenderly and I obeyed without any objection. Crashing my head on his firm shoulder, I let his arms lock around me safely as he rubbed tender circles on my back.

"Won-ah..." I called softly.

"Wae...?" He asked adoringly with a sweet smile fixed on his face.

"Mian-hae... You must be really exhausted, right? I should be the one offering you a comforting shoulder to lean on but I was being selfish without considering how hard it must be for you. Seems like I really did turn out to be a parasite..." I muttered as he knocked my forehead softly, and gasped in disagreement.

"Aniya... I'm beyond happy to have you near and if you can smile because of me, that's more than enough. Algesseo?" He gently bumped his head with mine. I moved a little from his chest, to take a clearer glance at his face as it glowed with determination and care. Smiling with contentment, I nodded in silence.

"Joh-a..." He spread his arms wider again with a broader grin.

"Now, lean on me..."

★

I woke up to the faint sound of music and a strong sensation of pain all over my body. Turning to my side a little, I focused on the familiar song as my mind crawled back to the first new dream that I've had in the past five years and I was instantly recalling every single detail of it. A sense of pleased fulfilment settled in my heart, at the confirmation that I've finally attained. Though I don't recall hearing the song anywhere until the earlier dream, I still found myself humming along to every single line as if I knew them by heart.

♫ "In the split road of my destiny

Even if they say it is a shattered dream

I wish I can bring you back again

One day just for only one day

If I can get to see you

If this aged prayer can bring you back

What I couldn't say

Deep inside my heart

The words I couldn't say

Then I will tell you..." ♫

"I love you..." I whispered the last line from the bridge of that melancholic song as the only voice I kept hearing in my head echoed hazily from a distance.

★

RAVI'S POV:

I stood there, holding my shattered heart in my shaking hands as I recovered from the words that I just heard and they were too much for me to take. For a brief blinking second, I doubted if I was in a diverse world instead of the real one. Tears of both delight and distress started to rain down my eyes, as my knees gave out. Hakyeon hyung instantly sped towards me and hugged my trembling frame from the side. The older male seemed just as helpless as I was at the moment, while he rubbed my back with so much care.

"Wae, hyung... Why should things turn out this way? I can't take this... Hyung..." I choked holding my chest in a pathetic attempt at halting the pain away.

"Wonshik-ah... don't cry. Please listen to me..." He tightened his embrace while trying to hush my sobs but I could only cry harder.

"Hyung... It hurts... It hurts a lot..." I hiccupped distressingly. Hongbin who'd gone to see the doctor off returned and he too, rushed to my side in a panic once he saw the ruined chaos I've become.

Though I already had a few doubts since the very beginning, I was still very hesitant to believe my own theories. They sounded too complicated and rather traumatizing to my own self and that's exactly when I started to run the opposite way whenever I noticed her silhouette from afar. After half a decade of loneliness and self-blame, I was finally braving myself to step out of that miserable zone and start moving towards her instead. However, least did I imagine for all of my earnest efforts to be crushed in the very first forlorn attempt.

Kang Gia is indeed Choi Mira.

Or, my Mira was now Gia.

I didn't know how to even put the situation into a sane sentence. The doctor confirmed that Gia was indeed acrophobic and she had suffered a serious sequence of anxiety attacks all at once, as a result of climbing down several flights of stairs at an impossible speed. Uncharacteristic of her excellent speed and agility that I remembered, her current body that's weaker was thoroughly drained from the intense stunt and to make things even worse, she was drenched completely by the heavy storm.

By the time she reached me, she was already on the verge of fainting and that involuntarily led towards vertigo and caused all of the indistinct blabbers. In short words, she was not in her right mind and everything she'd spoken back then could be deemed utterly absurd. However, what terrified me the most was not the meaninglessness of her words but the memories of that event which she might not recall when she wakes up later on.

She might not remember that she fainted in my arms.

She might not remember how I ran holding my life.

She might not remember what she called me.

Just like how she doesn't remember anything about me or our memories together. A broken part of me was relieved to know that she might really be my Mira but another timid part was praying hard for it all to be another nightmare. I realized I was still as useless as I was five years ago as I recalled the events from the very night. My responsibility was to keep her safe and offer unconditional love like I promised I would, whereas all I did was the opposite.

I couldn't protect her then and I couldn't protect her now either. Closing my eyes in anguish, I reminisced her last words before fainting earlier.

"Thank you for not letting me go, Won-ah..."

Another stream of sad tears escaped my quivering eyelids as I sniffled in silence again. Both Hakyeon hyung and Hongbin could only sigh helplessly, as they watched me struggle to get my wretched self together.

"Gwenchana, Wonshik-ah. The doctor only told you not to remind her of the attack or the cause of it. You can surely ask about other things. Right, hyung?" Hongbin tried to offer words of comfort but he wasn't fully aware of the fatality of our situation.

"Aniya, Bin-ah... It's not like that. If what I assume is right, then Mira must have survived the fall that night but suffered amnesia instead. That could be the only justification for Gia's unreal resemblance to Mira. But as per the doctor's words earlier, if climbing down from a certain height alone was fatally phobic already, it destroys me to even imagine the effect of trying to remind her the incident that almost killed her would be like. I can't..." I took a deep breath and slowly rose to my feet as Hakyeon hyung followed suit. Just from the look on my face, the man instantly read the content in my head and his shoulders immediately tensed.

"Yah, Kim Wonshik... What the hell are you thinking now?" He grabbed my shoulders and forced me to meet his eyes. I inhaled deeply before turning towards my concerned brother with a straight face.

"I've just gotten her back and I'm not willing to suffer her lost again."

"Wonshik-ah... Are you even hearing yourself? If Kang Gia is really your Mira then what-"

"Then, that's already more than what I deserve, hyung." I interrupted in a stern voice as the room fell into a heavy silence. In cue, the playlist of songs that I left for her by the bed reached one of her all-time favourite hits as the painful lyrics made their way into my torn heart and I smiled at the irony of it.

♫ "In the split road of my destiny

Even if they say it is a shattered dream

I wish I can bring you back again

One day just for only one day

If I can get to see you

If this aged prayer can bring you back

What I couldn't say

Deep inside my heart

The words I couldn't say

I love you..." ♫

I love her. I always did and I always will. Although I've never gotten the chance to actually confess those words to her back then, I believed in her heart, she already knew and that was enough for me as I made up my mind. My heart was not that courageous to risk her life once again for my own selfish reason. It is fine if she doesn't remember me. I'm okay even if she has no memory of us. As long as I get to see her smile and live her life happily, I'm more than willing to sacrifice my eternal happiness for hers. Smiling through the pain in my soul, I glanced at both my worried brothers and spoke the deeply buried content of my damaged soul.

"At the beginning, I wanted to have her back in my arms at any cost. I searched for her with no lead or whatsoever. Then, I started wishing that she would be miraculously alive somewhere. Later on, even that feeble hope faded and my only prayer was to meet her again, at least in my afterlife. As years passed, all my earnest hopes and prayers died out and suddenly one day, like a miracle, she appeared before my eyes but... she doesn't remember me. I loved Mira too much, hyung. Too much that it hurts... And I'm willing to suffer this pain for her wellbeing. Therefore-" I took another deep breath as I willed back the overwhelming tears of sorrow.

"-I am not going to try reminding her of our past and these memories... I need these memories and I'm carrying them to my grave."

Startled by my tragic decision, both Hakyeon hyung and Hongbin were left speechless. They knew the depth of my devotion to Mira very well and it was indeed a shock for them. Although it burned me to make that brutal decision, I knew better than to be selfish when it came to her.

I wanted to have her in my arms again. I did.

I wished she would be alive somewhere. She is.

I prayed to see her for at least one more time. I believe I already did that more than once and I felt beyond blessed to die with that satisfaction.

"Ehm... Wonshik-ah..." Hongbin called out hesitantly.

"Bin-ah, jebal... don't try to talk me out of this. You know me better..." I pleaded with my best friend again but he only rolled his eyes with an uncertain expression.

"Talk you out of what actually, Ravi-shi?"

My whole system froze at the sound of her serene voice as I stood there without any movement. Though I wanted to run and embrace her with all my longing, I reminded myself of the earlier choice and chose to remain still instead. Hakyeon hyung instantly took charge and went to her side as he attempted to help me out of the intense circumstance.

"Gia-yah, you're up? Why did you leave the bed? Come on, let me get you settled. You're still in need of a lot of rest." He led her back to the bed she was laying on while Hongbin and I followed after them without a word. She laid back on the pillow and Hakyeon hyung pulled the sheets over, covering her neck like he usually did for us.

"I'm sorry to trouble all of you at this late hours, oppa. You should go and get some rest too. I'm feeling a lot better now, so please don't worry about me." She apologized politely to them as her eyes kept drifting back to find mine but I pretended to be oblivious. After reassuring her condition and reminding her of the medications prescribed by the doctor a few more times, Hakyeon hyung and Hongbin left to their own rooms, leaving us to ourselves.

"You seem tired too, Ravi-shi. You should get some rest as well." She advised softly as I let my gaze wander everywhere except her eyes.

"Yeah... It's been a really long day..." I pressed my fingers on my temple as I began to feel a slight hint of throbbing. Her posture instantly tensed as she suggested without missing a beat.

"I know I've troubled you. You can lean on me and rest if you want..." Not even a slightest hint of tension or triviality was present in her calm tone as I glanced at the unreal girl in disbelief. She lightly tapped onto her shoulder with a very genuine smile, silently gesturing me to accept her offer.

"You should go back to sleep. I will get Nayeon noona to accompany you, so you-"

"Can't you stay, instead?" To my utter surprise, she tugged onto my wrist when I reached for my phone from the nightstand. Her touch immediately sent chills down my spine and I was loving the feel of it. However, I regained my composure right away and cautiously removed her delicate hands from mine.

"Mian-haeyo, Gia-shi. I can't do that." Her gorgeous eyes rippled in disappointment.

"Wae-yo..."

"Because it will be very inappropriate for me to do that. So, I should leave now." I stated in the most polite tone ever but the girl suddenly flashed her breathtaking smile as I felt a wave of painful reminiscence wash over me at the beautiful sight of it.

"You said something almost alike then too..." A faint smile was dancing on her face as I was confused by the choice of her words.

"Pardon? When do you mean by then, Gia-shi?" Instead of answering, she shook her head with a sweet smile.

"Aniyo...It's nothing. That song just now..." She pointed at the device in my hand before looking back into my eyes. "What's it called? Is it one of your favourites?" I smiled learning that she'd paid attention to the song that she used to adore once.

"SS501 sunbaenims sang that song. It is called Only One Day." She nodded, pursing her lips together before locking gaze with me again but only this time, she seemed determined.

"Aren't you going to ask me about earlier?" My heartbeat began to pace but I hid it professionally.

"Well, you ran down twelve damned flights of stairs before an elevator could, so I think I know enough. It's purely fatigue and your muscles must have been shocked. The doctor actually gave you a shot but I don't get how you're awake at all... Wait! Is everything okay or are you feeling unwell again?"

I began to panic at my own statement as my hands immediately fumbled over the medications placed on the nightstand in hurry but she grabbed my hands again and they were still cold. I glanced at her pale face as her eyes pretty much looked pleading for something.

"I'm cold... Can't you just stay with me for a while?"

Stay? I wanted to crush the coldness off with the warmth from both my body and burning soul. However, I chose to suppress my greed as I climbed onto the bed and sat by her. All while her delicate hands were still in mine and her ethereal eyes never left mine either. Ignoring her piercing gaze, I focused on providing warmth as I rubbed my hands against hers and blew warm breaths over them from time to time as she giggled a little.

"Junho does that whenever I'm cold too..." She said softly and the mention of another male's name instantly alerted my senses as I shot her a questioning glance.

"Junho is my foster father. He used to do this too whenever my brother Noel and I felt cold." She explained further and I felt my heart welling up with emotions. Mira always wanted to have a family like that and to know that she finally have them, made me feel really happy for her. At the same time, it broke me to recall all the torments she had to go through before attaining that joy.

"Have you done this before?" She carefully placed the question and due to my emotional monologue, I fell for it without a second thought.

"Of course, I have. Did you forget-" I cast a quick glance at her and from the curiosity in her eyes, I instantly grasped the situation and regained my stance.

"Did you forget... that I have a little sister too? So, of course, I've done this for her before. She could never withstand cold... unlike Mi-" I paused right away before mentally slapping myself for the second slip of my tongue.

"Unlike who?" She repeated after me like an obedient child as her eyes sparkled with curiosity. At that moment, I wasn't sure of her mind's content as I failed to read her face. Defeated by her keenness and my own carelessness, I decided to answer that one, as it was.

"Unlike my girlfriend. You know... the one that got away." I tried to lighten the mood with Katy Perry as an attempt to sound unaffected by my own choice of words but her stance tensed all of a sudden. And she withdrew her hands from mine with a sharp glare.

"You mean, the one that you didn't hold onto well enough?" Her cold words stung my heart as I instantly recalled the final words that the very same girl said before fainting in my embrace earlier. It was aching to accept that both were spoken by the same person.

"Yes... You-re right... The one I didn't hold onto well." I admitted emotionlessly as she turned to face me with a disbelieving expression.

"Why do I feel like you're lying?"

"Mwo... what do you mean?"

"I mean, you don't seem like a person who wouldn't hold onto someone you love. You know what, Ravi-shi? I think she was the one who had let go. Ani. I'm very much sure that she was the one who had let go."

"Aniyo... It was my fault, okay? I didn't hold onto her properly. I was not strong enough. Don't turn this onto her, please. She didn't even know that I was holding on and it was my fault that I let her slip away. I was the one who let go!" I was unknowingly yelling in defence of the girl I adored more than anything but her eyes remained soft as she argued back.

"Ani-mida. It wasn't your fault!"

"It exactly is my fault. I wasn't strong enough and I'd let her go..." I still fought back even though I was on the verge of remorseful tears.

"You've always been strong and you certainly didn't let me go."

"No! I was never strong enough and I never would have tried had I known that I'd let you go."

"No, you didn't... and thank you again for not letting me go, Won-ah..." She caressed my face as I suddenly started to feel the moisture of tears gliding down my face. Slowly, my remorse clouded head began to clear up as I grasped onto the situation. I whipped up to be welcomed by her gorgeous eyes gleaming with tears as she stroked my cheek.

"Mwo... Mworago?" I stuttered through my trembling lips as she beamed like a lucid dream turned real.

"Like I said... You can always lean on me, if you're hurting, Won-ah."

For one moment, I would have obeyed her like a lost child outdriven by the turmoil of emotions. However, my brain decided to remind me of the earlier incidents as I withdrew from her side immediately. Startled by the sudden shift in my behaviour, she attempted to get up as well but her weak body didn't allow so.

"I guess you're still under the influence of heavy medications, Gia-shi. You should really get some sleep." I tried to sound as stern as possible but the girl didn't fall for it at all.

"No! You know I'm totally fine. You're just avoiding me. Admit it!" She exclaimed anxiously as I noticed her breathing pace up and I instantly adjusted my tone.

"No such thing. I'm simply looking out for your betterment. You need a lot of rest so, jebal... listen to me Mi- Miss Gia."

"NO! NO! NO! Don't do that! Don't Miss Gia me! I know what this is all about. I know what WE are all about. Why won't you just be straightforward? What's stopping you? Is it me? Did I hurt you? Was I bad for you? Were you unhappy?"

She began to wheeze as she kept talking more and more of what I was determined to keep buried. Cold sweats were already streaming down her face as she lost control of her anxiety and it started to act up for the second time on the same night. I rushed back to her side immediately and embraced her shivering figure as she curled up into my arms like a cold puppy. She was crying again and I broke at the sight of it.

"Gwenchana... gwenchana... I'm here, okay? Please calm down..." I stroked her head repeatedly as she kept sobbing.

"Why won't you call me by that name? Why won't you say that you know me? Why won't you tell me to lean on you again? Why won't you hold me tighter? Just why... Did you really prefer me to be dead all this time?" She panted breathlessly as her words pierced through my heart.

"Not at all... You have no idea of what I've been praying every day and you need to stop talking now. JEBAL!" I tried to calm her down but her anxiety only kept flaring up further as she sobbed harder. Watching her breakdown in my arms choked me to tears too and I didn't know how long I could hold them back either.

"Five years of nothing but your voice and when I finally met you, you pretend like we're strangers... You said you'd protect me... You said you'll be there for me. That fall... I've been reliving that for five years- That fall and... and..." Her body gave up as her words got choked. She was shivering badly at the reminder of her almost death experience and I knew that she was certainly going to suffer another panic attack or a heart attack at the worst if it doesn't stop anytime soon.

"Gia-shi! GIA-SHI!" Her eyes were almost closing in faintness and she definitely couldn't hear me at all. My eyes were already pouring as I begged for all of it to end and be another nightmare. However, the shivering girl in my embrace was just as real as the pain I was suffering.

"MIRA-YAH! CHOI MIRA! Arasseo...arasseo! I'll say all that you want to hear. I'll call you by your name. I'll admit that I know you and I'll hold you even tighter! You can always lean on me, Mira-yah! Jebal..." I tightened my embrace and caressed her head as I pleaded. Her droopy eyes opened a little, as she reached for my face with her shaky hands. She was still panting, she was still crying, she was still wilting cold sweats but she still didn't stop at all.

"Say it wasn't your fault... Say that you didn't let me go... Say that... you love.-"

Without wasting another second, I crashed my lips onto hers before she could finish as her helpless babble. Caressing her trembling body in my firm embrace, I finally did what I was yearning for a very long time. I was finally kissing off the sorrow from both mine and her soul. I started to feel reassured when her sniffles died to hiccups as her sobs were all hushed and she was slowly kissing me back too. Though it was our very first kiss, it still felt as ardent as one could ever experience as the warm tears from her eyes streamed down my hands while I held her beautiful face.

Her breathing returned to normal but her eyes were still half-closed as she collapsed into my embrace in exhaustion when we broke apart. I exhaled a breath of relief I didn't realize I was holding back when I finally felt her anxiety receding. Laying her feeble figure back on the mattress, I tucked her safely under the warm sheets and knelt beside the bed. Her shivering hands were still clasped in mine while she slept without a single sound. My heart was in disarray as I recalled how I'd broken my own vow merely after a few minutes of making it but at the same time, I felt myself fall more earnestly in love with her than I already did as I held her hands tighter.

And to my unspeakable joy, I knew that she did too.

★★★★★★

| Title's Song: Lean On Me (VIXX RAVI - REB1RTH ) |