Guilt

"Hey, boys?" Nyxie leaned against the doorframe of the twins' room, two pairs of blue eyes meeting her gray ones.

"What?" "Yeah?"

The teenager smirked at them and pressed her index finger against her lips before moving into the room, shutting the door behind herself. The twins remained quiet as she had asked them to, and she sat on the ground next to them, looking at the card game they were busy playing. "You're playing it wrong," she mumbled, frowning at the way they had set it up.

"We know, who cares," Ashwar said, looking curiously at his big sister. "Something important?" It was funny the way he looked so sophisticated suddenly.

"A bribe?" Fox added, knowing the girl loved to give them stuff whenever she needed them to do something for her.

"Yeah, something similar... But you need to keep quiet about it, okay? Both of you." She gave Ashwar a look, making the boys giggle. They were all fully aware that Fox's name should have reflected somehow on his personality, but in reality, Ash was the one to start most of the pranks and do something crazy stupid. He also couldn't keep his mouth shut, but then, thinking about it, neither could the other one.

"So... What do we get from it?" Ash smiled big.

Nyxie smirked. "You know about the dreams I have, right?" The two opened their mouths and she was almost certain they would start speaking about it loudly and rapidly, which made her talk quickly herself, not needing for that to happen right now. "I'm sick of everyone asking me about it. It's only the first day and my birthday. I think I'm allowed a break..."

The two nodded eagerly, agreeing with everything she said at this point, their widened eyes on the two packs of candy she had pulled out from under her hoodie. "If anyone speaks about it, or mom starts grilling me again, I don't need you two to add to that. So, one pack of gummies for not speaking about it, and the other for getting mom's attention when she does."

"How?" Fox asked with a frown.

"I don't care. Talk about something random, at least as long as I can sneak away or something. You two are good at that, just keep them entertained, dad included."

"Okay, Nay." "Got it."

The girl smiled when they decided immediately which one would get the Sour Patch Kids and which one the Jolly Ranchers. After all, she had picked out their favorite ones. "Thanks, guys."

"You're welcome," they replied in unison, big smiles on their faces, already digging into their candy.

"Don't let mom or dad see them," was the last warning she gave before sliding out of the room, back into her own as nothing had happened. They were all already in their pajamas, and even though she was far too awake to go to sleep yet, she knew the boys would, soon. They had a bedtime, as did she, but the midnight one her parents couldn't really check on if they were snoring away themselves.

The girl climbed into her bed and smiled when her cat was fast to curl up on her stomach, the laptop rested on her knees. Pony started purring under her hand, and Nyxie quietly watched YouTube videos knowing she couldn't start investigating LGBT soulmates before her parents were in bed. The boys usually came into her room to wish her good night (if they weren't mad at her), and it always made her heart warm up to hear that.

Family really was everything to her.

#

Late at night, Nyxie's eyes wouldn't close. She was excited to see the girl again, and she wanted to fall asleep so bad, but the sleep never came. Saying she wasn't tired would've been a lie because she was. The problem was her brain, which didn't register the thought. Or did. Just too much.

The blonde couldn't pull her mind away from the gay guys at the party. She had known them for a while, and they had never shown any aggressiveness against people. Yet, they still bullied them. She still bullied them.

Nyxie had never understood why it was wrong to be in love with someone from your own gender. She had never understood why you couldn't choose yourself if you wanted to date a girl or a boy, even though she knew the wording was bad, since sexuality wasn't exactly a choice... She knew no one could do anything about it that those persons were born with a different desire than others. And she didn't understand why they needed to be treated lower and worse than 'normal' people.

But she had still done it. She had always felt bad for it, and apologized in private afterward, telling the two boys that her friends had made her do it. The guys never understood why she didn't just say no, and why she didn't stand up for herself and them, but Nyxie never gave them an honest answer.

Why? Because she was scared herself.

She wanted to apologize now but wasn't even sure the boys would listen to her. The last time she did, they had just walked off, shaking their heads in disappointment, and that had resulted in her crying in her room at night. She understood, obviously, why they were angry, and if she were in their situation, she would've been, too, but the girl was naturally emotional and cried even when not desiring to do so.

Now, the two boys were haunting her thoughts. They probably didn't even know that she had been at the party, but she still wanted to go and say she was sorry. There was a thought lingering in the back of her brain which she didn't even admit to herself.

She wanted someone's support. The two boys had never been her friends, but at least they knew she wasn't the girl whose façade she was wearing at school. They knew she didn't mean bad but simply didn't understand her tactics and the way she thought.

Nyxie wanted to tell them. But, of course, it had to be in private, and without anyone seeing. She wanted to tell the two boys she was gay. That she had always been and that she was sorry about their high school experience when none of it was even their fault. She needed to tell them. But how? There were only a few days left.

Tears pricked her eyes when thinking about it. She had ruined her life completely, and while she was happy and grateful for the blank page she would earn in California, she knew something about her past had to be done, too. The guilt would never escape her body before the boys had forgiven her. She was going to be haunted by the thoughts forever.