New year not so new me

I spent 3 months disconnected from the people in my life and honestly it was good to be away from what awful mess awaits me when I go back there. I didn't have my phone or my laptop, just books and books and books. Not just that we had activities we were encouraged to take part in. I did because the room could sometimes become boring. It felt like I was on suiside watch or something. I knew when I came there I was in one of the worst states I've ever been but I have healed and it seems unnecessary now.

I feel a lot lighter since being here but my new therapist is no help to that. She seemed to have no information passed on to her and just things my sister relayed to her. She seemed to through a lens she created and I didn't like that.

"You keep saying you've healed but you haven't at all. Yes like I said it's a mindset but I know you still hurt. I never said you had to forgive anyone but accepting reality as is and learning to cope is a good start. I will be passing on my observations to your personal therapist. One more time, anything else. Please if you're feeling explosive and want to be truthful with me, speak now." I stared at her optimism as she stared at my empty ones. "C'mon."

"I have nothing to add." The loud clasp of her book signaled this was over.

"Well then Zayn Snipes this is the end of our sessions. It was great to work with you and I'll be praying for your healing. Congratulations." She reached out her hand for me to shake. Those words made me so happy my smile reached my eyes. "First time in a while." She commented. She was right, I was still bitter like an old man. The type of books I consumed were revenge based and sometimes I would imagine myself as the main character seeking revenge but I know in the back of mind none of that was really possible but it's good to imagine your ideal life.

"Zayn, your sister is waiting for you in the lobby." I haven't seen her since she dropped me off here with the prospects I might be more open with her but I'm more annoyed than anything. I was stuck inside of here with people just as miserable as me who were in the same situation. She had my best interest at mind but I was only doing this for her. I would have rather spent the summer in my dad's home country than here. Even if this place was supposed to be a vocational mental health facility I still felt like I was in prison. Laverne lit up as soon as she saw me but I kept the same expression. I was still angry at her for leaving me here. She noticed my look in my eyes and she faltered.

"I missed you." You pulled me into a hug which I missed. "How was it?" Like pulling teeth.

"Fine…" I just wanted to get into her car and get out of here. Skip the dialogue. She was talking to me but it was like I was on autopilot. Just saying what she wanted to hear with trained responses. The only way to avoid being pushed to say something you don't is to say what people think they wanna hear. I never want to disappoint my sister and I feel like a huge burden to her. She never admitted it to me directly but her phone conversations were loud and I felt every word she said. No amount of smiles could fix that.

"Everyone misses you. We brought a cake and everything. Oh wait, I almost forgot." She reached into her glove box and pulled out my phone and I didn't even have any pull to it. I didn't care for it.

I could live without it. I didn't depend on it anyway. "Y'know Danie came back home yesterday and she's waiting at the house for you." I didn't know how things went for her if she was shaken up in any way, if she felt better or if she was worse than before. I just wanted to give her a big hug and not let go for a long time and that's what I did as soon as I came home. Wrapped my arms around her and pretended like I didn't see my siblings and her parents. They all knew what we wanted yet we were still separated for so long.

"I missed you." She sniffled into my neck.

"Same." You can't hug someone forever and again it was my welcome back party so we had to let go. I feel like they were making a big deal out of me needing time to heal. It is not a huge thing. I wondered if that thing Laverne said about me growing as a person was happening. Was I still like a seed or a flower bud? When would I bloom as a person? Did I already do that and when it happens would I know? I want to know what type of flower I am. This is what ran through my head since I spent a lot of time in my own head. Sometimes your mind can drive you mad and you could only imagine what that can do to a person.

I started to hate thinking and me being an over thinker I overdid it times 1000. I stopped thinking about Aaron from a romantic standpoint when everything came into view. I was being an asshole to myself and glossing over everything. In the first place he wasn't even supposed to be seen as a romantic partner not because I identified as straight but because of who he is and his actions. Mormon was right even if he's not the most trustable person he was right. He wondered what happened to him since he came into mind.

"He was on the news. Yeah, turns out he logged every single thing the Chronicles did and Saintclair found out and broke into his house or sum and he was arrested. He's like known over in Crystal Heights for starting shit so police are still trying to verify shit. Staintclair got arrested and released for a bunch shit I don't even know about because his parents covered it up and Renee… I don't even fucking know. Last thing I heard she was tied up at birdbanks and bit a nurse but I do know since it came out she was passing around that video of you two she could be charged for cp or whatever, kind of crazy." Daniela kept up with everything happening unlike Zayn. Her phone still stayed with her even though she only ever got to use it on Saturdays. Crazier shit happened but she didn't know yet. Only the published things were to her knowledge. "Alot of people got suspended and alot of people are being interviewed and questioned over this. Like as one their main targets I might be called in soon. I know Chantelle got called in and sent home like 4 times I asked him about it and he waved me off. I don't know, I'm kinda scared to go back there." Daniela went on and on about what she picked up over social media but it felt like it was going on forever.

"I don't really care anymore." I muttered to her.

"Well, do you want to talk about him?"

"Who?"

"Aaron." All I thought about him was how to ruin his life. "Are you still hung up on him?" Not even a little.

"Not really."

"You sure."

"Yeah." I feel like she expected me to be crying over him like before and wondering about him. I was never the type to be stuck on someone and now I still am. She was smiling at me like she wanted to pass on some pity but I didn't like that. It irked me. "I'm fine I don't like him. I shouldn't like him. There's something I should tell you…." This made her perk up

"You know what, never mind." I could share that another time. "I feel like I went through a lot of shit and liking him is a waste of time so Danie I don't have any type of feeling towards him anymore." I feel I have passed that.