Bloomed

This is it, This is the end but…

Why didn't it feel like it all stops here? I just wanted this cycle to be over. I felt like I finally unspun the web of lies but why did it hurt so much? I'm in love with Aaron and that's something I could never say upright. I can't be with Aaron not because of our society but because of my own mind. Why do I still want him after all he put me through? Why does it ache so much? I never anticipated longing for someone so much even though what we had was practically nothing.

My hands gripped my phone. I wanted to tell him how I felt but I couldn't. I took a deep breath and deleted his number from my phone, trying to come to terms with what I had lost. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to forget the pain. This is the first step into forgetting what happened. I can't truly forget but just need to put it all beside me. I had to post it. I had to expose Aubrey and his minions. 

My anxiety was shooting up just from trying to type in a caption. No one was expecting this and the person who would be blindsided the most is Macius. He confessed to me his feelings, he threw out all his rules for me and I actively cheated on him. I can't imagine how he would feel when that post pops up on his screen. I had to do it. I've been through so much and now this puts everything to rest. 

I didn't feel the same yesterday. I couldn't smile despite being so happy and vindicated. I can't truly feel good about this because in the end everyone is going to know and at my expense of being the one with the lowest status everything might just come back at me tenfold. I did everything I thought I could do to help myself but I knew this all was just gonna break me as much as it would them. 

"Do you need me to make you any hot chocolate for your nerves?" Laverne asks as she walks into my room as I sit on my bed with my laptop curled up in a blanket. 

"Yah, do that." My eyes were focused on the contents on my screen as I tried to distract myself from feeling nervous about the audio file I was gonna post. 

"I don't know what you did yesterday but I hope it was worth it." Laverne mutters.

"It was." I smile for the first time since then.

"Good." She disappears down the hall and my attention goes back to what I said I was gonna do. The post button is my worst enemy. Once it's out there I can never take it back. Macius might break up with me but this was way more important than a relationship to me. Here goes my privacy.

Click!

That's it, there's that. I turn off my laptop and phone as soon as I see the posted notification. I can't watch anything that may happen next without regret. I train my eyes back to the show on my screen trying to go into a headspace of blissful ignorance. It would only work for a while but it will be the best thing for me. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" Laverne asks as she walks into my room with hot chocolate in one hand and her phone in another. 

"I don't ever want to talk about it." 

It took me two days to open my phone again and I only opened my phone the morning I went back to school. I don't know what anyone thought cause I didn't want to know but the 200k likes and comments made me anxious for what might happen once I step out of my car. I might lose everything once my body passes the threshold. I couldn't stop myself from cursing in my head as I battled with leaving. My head laid on the steering wheel as I felt nauseous as hell. A knock on my window makes me spring up. My eyes make contact with Saintclair who rolls his eyes at me. He makes a sign for me to roll down the window and I gulp down all my hesitance. 

"Uh-yeah?" I answered almost incoherently. He didn't seem like he was annoyed or exhausted, he looked brighter than usual. It seems strange.

"You need a friend, eh?" He asks with a small smile on his face. "I get it. Let me offer you what you did for me once." That makes me want to cry. He steps aside for me to swing open my door. "Do you wanna get into it? I mean have you seen your comments?"

"Know what? I know absolutely nothing because I've been hiding at home like a coward." I whisper with my eyes trained on the floor. 

"No coward posts what you did." He pats my shoulder comfortingly and it's one of the few moments of warmth I've received. "You did what you did and I commend you for that. Do you not want to see or know the results?" I couldn't live with the mockery. I couldn't live with the guilt. 

"I don't know…" 

"It's ok if you don't. But I think you should at least take a look." I take a deep breath and look up at him. He smiles at me encouragingly. I nod my head, offering me his phone. "I understand that you think you're being severely judged which is true but people appreciate what you did for the truth. At least I do. C'mon you honestly helped me. I feel vindicated now that I know I wasn't the cause of my own unraveling. I wish things didn't go down like that. I kinda wished there was a reality that didn't include the steps which I took to come to this point but when I think about it we both would have never actually had the conversations or the bond we have now. Thank you." I could see Saintclair for the first time was being sincere with nothing behind it. He was right. I feel like he wouldn't have grown to be this decent if this didn't happen. 

"I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to. You did nothing wrong. If that's how everyone treats you then they still don't understand the half of it. You went through shit and I'm sorry for that and you did something you had to put yourself in a mindset to do just to bring out the truth. Stand in it Zayn." Wasn't expecting to feel this motivated by Saintclair Aadams of all people today. I still feel like through all of this he grew more than me and it makes me slightly jealous. I wanna get to the level he's at. I guess despite feeling like I bloomed I still have a lot of growing to do. 

"Stand in it." I kept repeating to myself as I worked over the nerves to start walking into school. I could feel the stares, I could hear the voices but what can I do? I already tried to steer the narrative in my direction but of course people do what they do best and take it their own way. "Fuck." I cursed myself as I could hear every single syllable come out of their mouth. I didn't want to be a spectacle like my peers before me. I wanted to be known without an uproar without the jokes but like everyone else it just came to that outcome. At least I on my own got to say it unlike Saintclair who was thrown out to the wolves. 

"Zayn Snipes to the main office please." There it is, backlash. This could go two ways and I hope it goes in the one I was wishing for. The office was filled with faces I expected but at the same time didn't even think about. How was my sister here so fast? I just got here. I mean I sat in my car for twenty minutes but still I just got here. 

"Do you want to sue?" 

"What?

"Sue for defamation and emotional distress. You won't be the only one but you're the one with the proof."

"A-against Aubrey?" I ask, sitting up kinda baffled. Even when I posted this wasn't a thought in my head. I only wanted to expose everything. I wasn't expecting any repercussions other than public shame to all involved but mhm this feels good. 

"Yes, Yes I want to. Who else is involved? Saintclair Aadams is suing for pharma abuse and defamation, Renee Welsh as well and is requesting to be taken out of the mental ward. Daniela Venice is all suing but with stalking. As everyone comes forward it's pretty clear he might be expelled for his… actions. Thank you for coming forward and we will get in touch with you." Interesting morning but I'm yet to get into the thick of it. 

"Hey, Zayn." Just by the dread and irritation that comes before his voice I knew it was Anthony. I didn't want to run to him because I knew Macius would be close by. "Can you just turn around and listen to what I have to say?" That feels like something hard to do. "He's really concerned and wants to see you. Even if I think you're trash he looks over that." 

"I don't know…"

"Just come along. Even if I hate sympathizing with you I get that you're going through something. Come along, please." It feels scary to go stand in front of Macius despite his whole confession. I know his feelings. 

"Okay. Where is he?" He pointed straight down the ruby corridor. Fuck, royal history. 

"It hasn't started yet." But there's students. Automatically my eyes drift over to Daniela who was surprised why I would even show up there especially because of what i posted. No matter where I go today, this will follow me. They were acting like I couldn't hear him. Macius was turned away in a conversation with someone. He wasn't really paying attention to what was being spoken around him. "I'll get him."

"Huh." Once we make eye contact I feel everything I did come back to slap me in my face. His eyes lit up slightly when we made eye contact but I still felt like shit. He slightly shoved Anthony to the side as he quickly came into the hallway. 

"I-"

"Shut up." What? "I don't know what you were going to say but assume it's an apology and I don't want to hear it. I should be angry, I should be pissed but I can't because I feel like it's unfair. It's unfair to hate you because you did something I can't completely understand other than vindication. Why would I hate you when you already knew how I feel but I wish you told me what was going on instead of it trickling out." I get his feelings but I don't think I deserve him looking over that. "I didn't know how to handle this last week with everyone speaking about you and I'm not able to defend or fix what's happening. What to do?"

"What to do?" I ask repeating back his words while searching in my mind. 

"How do I defend you? How do I help you?" All I wanted was for people not to use something I don't feel as something to hide anymore against me. He takes my hand into his, locking it tightly. 

"Don't, what is there to defend? Everything is already out there. Everyone pretty much knows 

I slept with Aaron and that I had feelings for him. I have nothing to hide anymore. I know you're trying not to be bothered by all this but it's pretty much messed up. From here you decide where we go because everything's out in the open so I have to acknowledge it. I don't even know what I am." His eyes were darting across my face to see if I was actually serious or not. I have no intentions of hiding anymore so if he continues to date me it will be out there. 

"Does that mean I can tell people we're a couple?" He was more excited about this than I am. 

"Well yeah." I'm nervous I'm freaking out but I'm trying so hard not to show it but he can feel it in my hands. 

"Woah, If you're not ready for that we don't have to go there yet." It's been so long I have to get over this. 

"It's just this is all…"

"So new? I understand. You don't have to push yourself. I understand you Zayn. Right now you're under such a harsh gaze you don't have to hurt yourself to prove something. You already hurt yourself." Why did I think when we met today he would break up with me and embarrass me but instead our conversation went in such a different direction. 

"I feel like you should be a lot more- Fuck, why are you this decent?" He shrugs with a playful smile on his face. 

"Just Princely things." He laughed which brought out one on my end. I know this is something that would make him happy so why not let them know they'll find out anyway. 

"I don't want to be scared of people seeing me as something that I don't feel ashamed of. I'm always scared of being judged because I'm not like everyone else and there isn't anything else for me to hide. Let them know the most they could do is gawk at me like they have been doing the whole morning." 

"Well, well look at you growing since we first met and still using the Zayn Snipes mindset I fell for." Despite Macius being smiley and supportive I know he was hurt. I know it cuts deeper than he's letting on but for now, at this moment that's just a thought I could deal with later for now I want to enjoy this buzz he is giving me. 

Everyone grew so much but all I did was bloom. I wish I did the same, I wish I spurted more like everyone else but at least I Bloomed🟄