Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Ending of August

Avery:

I've been getting more sick since that night. At least I can die knowing I'm not a virgin, but this sucks. Both the hiding of my relationship and the fact I'm so sick, I keep bringing up blood, coughing it up, and my nose bleeds, I think I have seen enough BLOOD to last me the rest of my days, I can't really eat, or move a lot, I've lost a lot of weight, I can't do anything with Jamie because of how small I am now, but she can see something is off.

Strangely enough, Maddie and Sandra hit it off from that night, their dating. Weird. Sandra is still hyper but she's happy and I can see that Jamie is happy Maddie has someone in her life.

Jamie has been off as well, she's been getting a bit sick, having a fever and has this weird rash on her side, I told her to ask Dr. Kimberly about it but she said it is probably nothing other than a bit of flu, she's more worried about me.

My mom asked Dr. Kimberly if chemo was necessary for me to go on with, I was confused why she came with till Jamie told me later why she did. I'm not mad, she can just see that it is not working anymore.

Right now, I was standing in front of my bathroom mirror, I just got sick again. My parents have taken a bit of time off nearing September, Jamie and I are alone for now but as of tomorrow their gonna be around more, I don't mind, but I want to be able to be around her without my parents finding us.

My face has gotten smaller, my cheek bones show when they never did, funny to think how at the beginning of the month I was 100 pounds, while now I was getting closer to 50 pounds. I rubbed my hands down my face, pulling at my skin a bit. I removed my shirt to look at my body, my ribs stuck out like a sore thumb, my hips barely held my shorts I was wearing, the bra was falling off me, even though I had no such thing as boobs to being with.

I sighed, biting my lip as I put my shirt back on, I wanted to cry but my tear ducts have dried up.

"I wish I would hurry up and die, this is getting annoying. Nothing is making me better or feel better."

I flush the toilet, walking out to my room, it was a quiet day, I went to look through my things.

I have to many books, to many movies, to many games. I have read, watched and played all of them so much I can probably tell you everything from the biggest detail to the things you wont think to notice. Jamie said I notice the little things as well as remember them. Nothing special, I've always been like that.

Looking over to my wardrobe, there were over 78 shirts, yes, 78. I collect them. As well as hoodies, from my dad and Jamie, old shoes, socks and the obvious things. I stand to look at my walls, filled with posters of my favorite movies, only 5.

In no order:

Kill Bill: Volume One

Oceans 8

Blade Runner(Original)

Booksmart

Nerve

Movies made me forget my life and took me somewhere else for a bit, same with books and games. Just made me think maybe if things were different, I could be living in one of those worlds.

I turned to my many, many pill bottles. Moving to pick them up, these are ultimately useless at this point. I start to throw some away, the ones I know don't work at all for me anymore. Leaving the ones I'll need.

Sitting down on my armchair, I looked out the window, New York, I got to do a lot being here and now with Jamie, I did more than I ever thought I would. I wish I went to college when I had the chance, I wish I got a job, I wish I meet her sooner, I wish I was older, I was I wasn't dying, I wish I could live.

I let out a choke of a sob, I can't cry but I can make the noise of It and feel that droning feeling in my chest long enough for me to want the burning to stop.

I went to see what Jamie was doing, I was about 2pm, she must be reading or writing that dumb story. Actually I think she stopped it, I haven't seen her write in a while. I see the door is half way open, I walk in to see her sleeping, a book was laying on her chest as it moved up and down to show she was breathing.

I smiled at how cute she looked, I wasn't going to wake her. I moved to close the door again, making my way to my parents room. I opened the door, their bed was made up, to many pillows, that is my mothers doing, the neatness of the room was her as well as my dad. They always kept their things clean, I moved to their walk in closet, they have the biggest room in the house.

I walked down the row of dresses my mom owned, the blazers of my father, his ties, my mothers endless high heals. I laughed scoffed at the shoes, I always wore them as a child, falling on my face as my mother came to help me by kissing my nose, saying it will be ok. She did that after I got diagnosed. She wanted me to know I would be ok when at that age I knew I wouldn't.

I went to hold my dads jacket, I smelled it, again I wanted to cry but nope, I put the jacket on, didn't fit, but it was warm. I went to pick one of my mothers scarfs, she collected them since her mother died, her way of coping, her sister collects soap, don't ask me she's the weird one.

I walked back out to go to the study. I was long rather than wide, I liked that about it because you had this long window going down the whole room, you could see the city. I ran my fingers over the books, encyclopesa, books on law, literature, archaeology, medicine. You name it, my dad loves his books, he collects all the time, my mother likes to write, like Jamie, that's why they gave her those gifts. Parts of them to her practically.

I sat down in my moms chair, playing with her mini globe, seeing a photo of the three of us when I was sick, I was 14 in this photo. I picked it up, a sad smile came to my face as I know we wont ever be that happy again. I set it back down, seeing my mothers exam pad. I have a bad idea. I wrote a small note to my mom and dad. Next time they are in here they will see it.

I just wrote that I love them and said I am always around even when I'm not. I made one for Jamie, saying the same thing, I'll slip it In her book when I can. Walking out the study, I went to the living room, nothing much other than the couch that I have sat on since I was born, my mother said it held to many memory's to get a new one.

I went to the dinning room, my parents had a bit of fine China in here from their mothers both of them had mothers who collected things like this, maybe that's why they collet things they love. Their were photos from my childhood, some with my aunts and uncles.

I can now name them because I had many names to remember, I just went uncle one, or aunt one. My mom has two sisters and a bother, Aunt Clare, oldest, then my mom and her twin brother, Uncle Dan, then her youngest and weirdest sister, Aunt Meg. My dad only has a brother, there are a few years apart, Uncle Andrew, he was a funny person but never could get a women to marry him. There is one big photo of all of us, we all looked happy. I smiled, I miss my family but they have lives, they know I'm sick and wont be alive much longer, calls are often from them when they can, saying they miss me, love me, and will call again sometime.

Walking out, I put my hands into the pockets of my dads jacket as I went to the kitchen, my parents leave notes on the fridge wen they miss saying goodbye to me before work, there was one from dad today.

Avery, young miss have a good day

Don't give Jamie a hard time!

See you tonight

Love you

xoxo dad

I took the note, folding it as I put it away, opening the fridge for something to drink, deciding against it I walked slowly through the house, wondering if I will be able to walk down the halls again using my legs or just being able to see them.

I sighed, walking to the front door, opening it to walk in the hallway, I used to run around the floors when I was 10, making the old lady who used to live next door, laugh because she said I remined her of her grandchildren, she gave me a cookie once and a while, till she passed away of old age.

I went down the hall, passing doors, numbers and the cleaners who came once and a while to clean the windows, hall floors and the trash shoot. I never meet them but I meet the guy who does the cars as well as the front desk man, Mark and Harry Logan, brothers who live together here in the little room they were given, just living out their dream of being in New York. They were always nice to me and my family, always had a smile.

I got to the end of the hall, going down the stairs to see the rest of the place, it was big so I knew I couldn't go far. But just a few floors wont hurt.

I was gone for about 40 minutes, I came back, the house still quiet, I figured Jamie was still sleeping. I went to see, just as I thought she was, I moved to sit on her bed, looking over at her. She looked so beautiful as she slept, I never thought I would fall in love, let alone with a women, who is older than me, do the things we did, feel the things I felt and still feel. Falling in love with her made me feel selfish and guilty, it can't be easy being in love with a person who you know wont be here much longer. I take the jacket off, letting it fall to the floor as I moved closer to her, she had moved to her side, the book fell off to her bed.

Moving the book to the bedside table, I lay next to her, looking at her, studying every bit of her, her face, her hair, her body as it moves as she breathes, the way her hands are tucked under her face, she does that to be comfortable. I mimic her movement but I don't sleep. I sleep on and off because I have to be woken up, I stop breathing in my sleep, after that night, that same morning I was woken by Jamie with a worried look. She said she felt my heart stop.

I bit my lip, moving the strand of hair that had fallen out of her eyes, though they were closed. Letting out a breath, I'm going to miss her, I know leaving her will hurt, as much as it will hurt to leave my parents.

I really wish I could play God and stop time for us. I wish I could spend more time with my parents all those years I was stuck in my room, grieving over Michael. I wish Jamie didn't fall in love with me, a dying girl.

I wish… I wish I could live.