Chapter 19

What have I done to Dayton, because of my actions? Have I accidentally created a scene of betrayal between us? How long can I keep my behavior with Block from the boarder? What level of deception and infidelity did I carry out? Who have I become in the last few weeks? And, how do I remedy my horrible actions with both young men?

Shame finds me, pins me to an emotional wall, and begins to suffocate me. I cannot stop thinking how I might have hurt the boarder. Why do I care so much about Dayton when we aren’t even lovers? How can I possibly consider my sexual moment with the landscaper betrayal when the boarder and I barely share a relationship? Why do I feel emotionally drained when Block merely shared a simple blow job with me? How can I base my guilt on that hungry and semen-spraying moment in the attic room when Dayton and I are only sometimes sexual?