Patrick Donovan has spent the last three anniversaries of his lover's suicide getting drunk at Josh Stevens' bar. It's at the bar he feels closest to his lover and to the man he has loved since high school, Josh, his dead lover's cousin. The summer after he graduated high school, Patrick spent one hot night with Josh. When it was over, Josh maintained it was a casual one night-stand, breaking Patrick's heart. Troubled by Patrick's annual visits to the bar, Josh encourages Patrick to move on from his grief. After a disastrous near-encounter, Patrick decides maybe he should move on and forget his love for Josh. But Josh changes his mind when Patrick decides to date other men. After nights of scorching sex, Patrick wonders where he stands once more, but Josh pulls back as he did the summer after high school. Josh doesn't want to be a substitute for the man he believes Patrick still loves.

Pieces

Patrick parked in the lot, grabbed a blanket out of the trunk of his car, and made his way out to the graveside. It had one of those flat ground placards that read Andrew Jacob Lewis, b. Oct. 30, 1982, d. Sept. 7, 2007.The grave was barren of flowers. No one had visited for a while.


When Andrew first died, Patrick had come often. Eventually, he’d decided, after talking to the numerous counselors he’d gone to after the suicide, that it was no longer healthy to visit. Yet here he was.


He placed the blanket on the ground and sat next to Andrew’s final resting place. Not that he really thought Andrew was here or that he necessarily had to be there to feel close to Andrew. Patrick didn’t know for sure if he even believed in God.


Patrick wondered if Andrew had left a suicide note if it would have helped him understand or if it would have made him feel worse.


Chapter 18