Chapter 3: What about me

I think Dean's going to drop me back off at Bobby's but he doesn't. We drive to this old hut and go inside. Sam salts the windows and doors while Dean puts Dad down to rest in a bed. I guess they've been here before without me. Everyone is really quiet; I'm not sure if it's because they're really angry at me or something is wrong but since we have Dad back, I guess it must be me.

"Dean" I say, my voice comes out in a raspy croak as though I had just woken up

"Yeah?" He asks absently

"I'm sorry that I hid in the car, I-I just didn't want you to leave me again. I just wanted to help"

"Don't worry about it, Evan"

I'm stunned. Really? Don't worry about it? After disobeying a direct order and stowing away in the car, don't worry about it? Something is wrong. I can feel it.

"Why don't you go shut your eyes for a while, little guy" He says but he's not looking at me. He's staring off at the wall.

I look to Sam and he gives me a slight nod to go.

"Okay" I say and I leave the room. The place is small and dark even with the few lights on. I don't know my way around and it takes me a few minutes to find a bathroom. I wash my sticky face in the sink and dry it on my sleeve before wandering back into the hall. I hope Dad is awake, maybe I can say hi before I head off. When I check into his room, he's gone. That's when the lights start to flicker.

Sam runs by me.

"Sam, what's going on?"

"Nothing, don't worry. Check the window in the bathroom" He orders and I run and check.

"It's salted, Sam. What's wrong? I can help"

"The demon is coming. Come here"

We rush back into the front room and that's when we see Dean standing in front of Dad with the colt pointed directly at his chest.

I had never experienced terror until that moment. I've been afraid lots of times, I've had nightmares and daydreams that made me tremble from fright, but I had never known terror until that moment when I walked into the room and saw Dean pointing the gun at Dad. We never talked about what happened that night after it was over, it was never even mentioned; sometimes I wonder if it crosses their minds as it does my own. Maybe it was because of the terror or because we never talk about it or a combination of both but I can't remember the details of the events that followed anymore. I remember being pinned against a wall and held there by invisible ropes pinning me in place, I remember thinking that none of us would survive the night, and I remember the demons eyes. So many years have gone by since that moment, I can't really tell the difference between what really happened and what my imagination recreated in nightmares and lost time, but those eyes weren't yellow. I remember them to be blood red. It makes no sense, everyone called the thing yellow eyes, even in Dad's journal it was "yellow eyes", when I saw the demon again a year later it had yellow eyes. But not on that night, that night I remember red. Red like lasers gunning after my big brothers as he taunted them on the wall, red like the blood he made Dean spit up when he tortured him with invisible hands, red the hot pain ripping through my body when the demon turned his attention to me. And I remember the words.

"Don't listen to him, Dean!" I shouted, "We need you! Dad loves you! He's not Dad!" I scream out in a moment of bravery followed by gut retching horror when the demon turns to face me

"Speaking of favorites." He says in a low voice and a smirk

"You leave him alone." Sam growls

"How about we play a little game?" Dad taunts, "How old are you? Ten?"

"Twelve" I snarl

"Wow. Does it hurt to know that your Daddy didn't know that?"

"You're not my Dad"

"You seem like a smart little boy." Not Dad, says as he ruffles my hair. I try to turn my head away but it only budges an inch

"I like the fight in you, son. It looks like it runs in the family. It's a shame you'll never really be considered a real member"

"Shut up" Dean snarls

"Now let's see if you have any brains like you brother Sammy. It's an easy game." The demon bends closer and sings, "One of these things is not like the other"

"I said leave him alone you son of a bitch!" Dean yelled

But the demon ignores him, "You ever wonder why you always feel so left out? While your Dad and your brothers just seemed to fit so well together? It's because they're a family"

"I'm family." I snap back

"You were an accident. John only took you in because he had to, don't you ever wonder why it took four years to meet him? He didn't want you back then and he doesn't want you know. Truth is, you've always been a burden. And you stick out like a sore thumb."

"That's not true" I remember that I cried. Not much, but I did cry.

"You know it's true. Why do you think he never tried to figure out what killed your dear old Mommy? It's because the only woman he ever loved was Mary. Sam and Dean are pieces of her and you?" The demon chuckled, "You're a one night stand and a fifth of whiskey gone wrong"

"So is this how you get your jollies?"

The demon spun around to face my biggest brother.

"Messing with little boys?" Dean is glaring and even from across the room I can see his lips quivering, "Why don't you pick on someone your own size, hotshot?"

"You mean like you, Dean?" He says and then Dean

"How would you like it if I picked on your kids? Oh wait" Dean smiled, '"I forgot. I wasted 'em"

That's when the blood began and that's all I remember. I don't know what happened after that point that hasn't been distorted by bad dreams or just plain forgotten. Somehow Dad overcame the demon and the next thing I knew we were heading home or somewhere. Maybe it was the hospital; now thinking about it I'm pretty sure Dad was hurt. I was sitting in the back seat with Dean; he must have been sleeping because he was slumped over while Dad and Sam argue in the front. I don't know why they're fighting, I'm just happy everyone is alive.

"Dad!" I say leaning forward

"Sit back, Evan." He says.

Those are the last words I ever hear him say to me.

I wake up in a hospital. My leg is in a cast but I'm not much pain. There's a throbbing pain in my side and my eyes are heavy. There's an IV in my arm and a funny taste in my mouth. A nurse walks into the room and smiles at me. She has teddy bears on her scrubs and short blonde hair pulled back into a ponytail.

"You're awake." She says walking over to me

"Where am I?" I croak. I feel the pain now. It hurts to breath

"You're in the pediatric ward of St. Peter's hospital. My name is Charlotte; I'm your nurse. Do you remember what happened?"

I remember lights and a crash. I remember being thrown against Dean on impact.

"What happened? Where's my family?" I slur out, it's hard to speak. I'm so tired.

"They're being taken care of" She says, "Try not to worry"

"Are they okay? Are they all okay?"

"I'm going to go get your doctor, okay?"

I fall asleep.

I'm twelve years old and I am an orphan. The reality of it sinks in as I'm watching the funeral pyre in between my two older brothers. Tears are streaming down my cheeks as I watch the flames ravage my father's body. Sam tells me that Dad was okay and Dean was in bad shape before things suddenly changed. Now Dean is standing next to me without a scratch on him and Dad is dead. I don't know how or why, all I feel is regret and jealousy that I didn't have a chance to say goodbye to him like my brothers and a deep gaping emptiness that the abandonment by my father has left resonating inside of me. I wonder if he visited me at all while I was sleeping. Later that night on the way to Bobby's, I ask my brothers if demons tell the truth. Dean says no and we finish the ride in silence.

I'm not much use on my crutches so my brothers leave me behind when they're on a case, which is often. I spend my time off in school because Bobby promised Dean that he would make me go. I see a lot of familiar faces and some of them ask me where I'm always disappearing to, I tell them that my family likes to travel a lot. Sarah Ann Richards sits next to me in bio and asks me how I broke my leg. She smells like sweet apples.

"Mountain climbing accident" I lie to impress her. I lie to avoid more questions.

"Can I sign your cast?"

"Sure"

She uses a pink marker and draws a heart around her name. She is the first girl of the nine girls who sign it. When Dean calls I tell him about it and he calls me lover boy. I blush and ask him when he's coming home.

"Sammy and I need to take care of a few things but we'll be back within a month or two"

"Dean, take me with you. I can help"

"No thanks, gimpy. I'll take my chances with sasquatch over here"

"My leg won't be bad for long. You broke your arm once and you still went hunting"

"I said no, alright?" Dean snaps

One of these things is not like the other

"But Dad always let you-"

"I'm not Dad!" He shouts

There's an uncomfortable silence that follows. I don't know why but I feel like crying.

"Look" Dean sighs, "I'll be home soon enough. We'll talk more about it then, okay?"

"Yeah. Fine"

"Alright little guy. Talk to you later"

"Bye, Dean"

I am thirteen years old and Sam is missing; kidnapped by yellow eyes. Dean, Bobby, and I rush to the Roadhouse and find it burned down. Dean's friend Ash is dead and I try my best to ignore the irony of his death by fire. Dean is angry but not about Ash, but at the fact that he doesn't know what urgent thing Ash was going to tell him to help find Sam. I thought that I was cold a moment ago but I'm starting to think differently now. Dean doubles over in pain. He says he saw Sam in a vision and before I know it we're back on the road to find him. We drive all night but we make great time because Dean is speeding.

"You think that son of a bitch yellow eyes is here?" I ask as we pull over and park

"I hope not for our sakes" Bobby says. I secretly hope that he is here. I want to kill him.

We see Sam almost the moment we start walking down the long dirt path. He's holding his side; I think he's injured.

"Sam!" Dean calls out

"Sam!" I echo

"Dean?" Sam smiles and starts to limp over

"Sam! Look out!" Dean cries out right as a man comes up from behind Sam and stabs him in the back. Time seems to move in slow motion as it happens. Sam falls to his knees and Dean runs to catch him as he collapses to the ground. The man runs and Bobby chases him. So do I. Bobby quickly falls behind but I don't. I'm gaining on the son of a bitch that hurt my brother. He looses his footing and spirals to the ground. Within moments I'm on top of him. With a fire I didn't know I had in me, I'm pounding on the man's face, electing blood splatter from his lips, nose and cheek with every blow when suddenly he grabs me and throws me so hard that I go flying through the air. My back hits something hard and then the blackness comes.

My brother Sam is dead. Dean watches over him like a hawk watches her nest and doesn't move from his spot unless he has to pee or something. I've never seen him like this before but I'm too tired to be concerned. I leave that to Bobby who shows up every now and then to make sure that we're eating, which we aren't, or drinking something other than Bourbon, which we aren't. Bobby walks in and takes the bottle from my hand.

"What do you think you're doing, kid? This stuff'll rot you from the inside out" He should talk.

"I don't care." I mutter

"Your brother needs you now, Evan. He's sinking fast and he needs you to help him"

"I am helping my brother" I shoot back in my drunken stupor, "helping him finish the booze"

"Alright, you need to sleep it off. Come on" Bobby says and takes a hold of my arm but I snatch it away

"Don't touch me" I snarl and stumble backwards away from him and trip over a chair in the process. I start to fall but something strong latches on to my sleeve and yanks me up hard. I look up to see Dean. His red-rimmed eyes and stone hard face bear down on me without mercy. I move gingerly from his grasp and step aside. His hard eyes follow me for a few seconds before snapping up at Bobby.

"I got something for you boys to eat"

"I'm fine, thanks." Dean says, "You hungry?" he asks me without taking his eyes off of Bobby

"Nope" I shrug. I am a little but every time I try to eat I feel sick.

Bobby frowns hard, "Dean, I know you're going through a lot right now, but the kid's not eating either and he's getting into the liquor. Maybe he should stay with me for a while"

A shiver of panic runs through my body at the thought of being taken away. I stare up at Dean.

"He's not going anywhere" Dean says firmly and crosses his arms

"I know you're hurting son, but this ain't a place for a kid right now. You got Sam laying out on the table-"

"He's not going anywhere." Dean repeated louder

Bobby sighs and I relax a little. My mind feels fuzzy. I need to sit down but I don't want to walk away.

"Look" Bobby says, "Maybe it's time that we… bury Sam"

"No"

"We could"

"What? Torch his corpse? Not yet"

"I want you to come with me"

"No."

"Dean, I just don't want you two to be alone. Something big is going down, end of the world big"

"Then let it end!" Dean shouts at him

Bobby and I both stand stunned. I sway a little.

"You don't mean that-"

"You don't think so?" Dean says advancing on him "Huh? You don't think I've given enough? You don't think I've paid enough? I'm done with it. All of it."

"Dean" Bobby says softly and throws a small nod in my direction

Dean doesn't seem to notice and continues "And if you know what's good for you, turn around and get the hell out of here"

Bobby stares at him stunned. Then Dean pushes him

"Go!"

I hiccup loudly.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry" Dean says to him. "Please just go"

Bobby looks at me for a moment and then looks at the ground. "You know where I'll be" He says, puts the alcohol down on the table and leaves us alone.

Dean doesn't watch him go. He picks up the bottle, opens it, and takes a swig before moving back over to Sam.

I know what happened next wasn't my fault. Dean was going to do what Dean was going to do and that's all there is to it, but every now and then I think about how if I didn't get so drunk, if I wasn't passed out on the bed like that, I could have stopped Dean from going after that crossroads demon to sell his soul. But as it turns out, I did pass out on that moldy old bed and when I woke up Sam was awake and standing in front of a mirror. I almost fainted in shock.

"Sam?" I gasp

"Hey" He grimaces as he checks out his back in the mirror

I shake my head. I can still feel the effects of the liquor and I vow internally never to drink again. That's when Dean walks in.

"Sammy" He breathes

"Hey" Sam says again and puts down his shirt. I know I'm not hallucinating now and I gape at Dean as he ambles over and pulls Sam into a bear hug.

"Ow" Sam winces and I just stare while Dean lies to Sam about what happened. I am invisible while all this happens. Dean orders pizza. I fight back tears. When Sam goes to the bathroom I confront him.

"What did you do?"

"Evan, please"

"Dean!" I cry out and grab his shirt, "What did you do?" but I already know what he did. I know all about the crossroads demon by now.

He looks like he might cry "I had to Evan, I had to save him. I had to protect him"

"Well, what about me?" I cry in anger, "What about protecting me?" I'm sobbing now, "don't I matter? Don't I matter at all to you?"

"Of course you do" He sniffles, runs his hands through my hair, and grasps my head in between his palms. "Of course you matter to me"

"No, no" I cry into his shirt, "No"

"Of course you matter" He sniffs

"How long Dean?"

"A year"

I push him off of me then. I want to hit him but I don't. "How could you do this to me? How could you leave me?" I shout

"You'll have Sammy." He says softly, "He'll take care of you"

"Dean" I whimper and Sam comes back out

"What's wrong?" He asks in confusion

"Uh" Dean says straightening up, "Evan got into the booze. He's a lightweight, so he's a little emotional"

"Oh yeah?" Sam smirked a little.

I wipe my eyes on my sleeve and stare at Dean. He looks away. Eventually, so do I.