Chapter 8: Does It Get Better

It's been so long since I've had a home cooked meal. I don't think I've ever had meatloaf in my life but it smells delicious. I poke a fork into the mashed potato volcano on my plate and more gravy spills from the pocket in the middle and pools into my peas. I'm starving but I won't eat for the principle of it. I don't belong here in this house eating meatloaf like some 1950's sitcom rerun. I belong with my brother. He was all I had left and he abandoned me here with this stranger.

"Come on" She smiles, "I know you must be hungry. You probably haven't had a decent meal in months"

"No, thank you" I say as politely as I can manage

"I know I said my cooking wasn't so good, but I didn't mean it was bad either" Ellen says with a friendly chuckle

"I'm not hungry. Thank you"

"Alright. Suit yourself" She picked up a napkin and wiped her face, "Boy, I'll tell you. Stubbornness runs strong in the Winchester family"

I put my fork down on my plate and look down at my fingers

"Alright" She sighs again, "How about I show you to your room and you can get some rest"

"When is Sam coming back for me?"

Ellen frowns sympathetically, "It may be a little while, Evan. I know you're going through a hard time, losing your brother and all but-"

"Did he say when he would call?" I interrupt sharply

"No, he didn't"

I've never felt so betrayed. I push the plate forward a few inches. I just want it away from me

"Your brother loves you, kid, very much. He just wants what's best for you"

What's best for me? This is what's best for me? Being left behind like I meant nothing is what's best for me? Tears sting my eyes but I won't let this lady see me cry. Not on her life.

"I'd like to go to sleep now please, I'm pretty tired"

"Sure" Ellen says with a smile

I drag my duffle bag up the stairs even though I can easily lift it over my shoulder. I just don't feel like making my life easier, plus I kind of want to annoy Ellen even though I don't know why. She's been nothing but nice since I met her. She opens a door in the middle of the hallway and flicks on a light. The walls are dark blue and there are knives and swords hanging on plaques from the walls. I thought Sam said Ellen had a daughter.

"This is Jo's room" Ellen says

"Your daughter's?" I ask numbly

"Yup. She hardly comes around anymore since she's always hunting so you can stay in here. There are a few drawers of empty space in that dresser over there" She says pointing to a dresser in the corner

"I'm good." I say lifting my bag up for her to see. What's the use in unpacking when Sam will be back any day to come and get me?

"Okay, hon. Well why don't you go on and settle in? There's a bathroom right through that door." She says pointing to a door on the wall. "I'll be downstairs if you need anything."

I nod and walk inside. She leaves the door open but I close it once I hear her reach the bottom of the steps and throw my bag down in the corner. I sit down on Jo's soft dry bed and feel instantly exhausted so I lay back and put my feet up. I don't bother to take my boots off and I drift off to sleep.

I shoot straight up out of my sleep drenched in sweat and out of breath. I run a hand through my wet hair and get out of the bed. My stomach is growling now; it actually aches with hunger. I check the blinking alarm on the bedside table and it tells me that it's 2:00 am; maybe Ellen is asleep by now and I can sneak some of that meatloaf. All the lights in the house are off so I make a move for it. I make it downstairs and into the kitchen without a sound and take out a plastic container with meat in it. I grab the soft meat with my fingers and stuff it into my mouth cold. It's so tender and delicious, is it beef? I've never had meat this soft before. I take a few more handfuls and cram my mouth full of food. I can hardly chew or swallow but I don't slow down. It goes down my throat in painful lumps and when my mouth is empty again I gasp for air. That's when I hear a noise behind me. I slam the door refrigerator door closed and spin around. Ellen puts her hands up defensively and I realize that I'm holding a knife from the counter.

"Whoa there, you're not going to slice me up in my own home now are you?"

"Sorry" I say and put the knife down on the counter, "I didn't think you were awake"

"I'm a light sleeper. It kind of comes with the gig" She smiles and crosses her arms, "you know you don't have to sneak around here. You're welcome to all the food here. And everything else for that matter"

I feel my cheeks get hot and I turn back to the refrigerator and put the food away.

"Couldn't sleep?" She asks

"I slept fine"

"I know we don't know each other that well, but my relationship with your family goes way back. I knew your Daddy"

"Oh yeah?" I ask without turning back to face her

"Yeah. And I know your brothers pretty well too. I know Sam. He wouldn't have dropped you off here if he had any other choice. You know that right?"

I don't answer her. Who does she think she is?

"Evan, your brother loves you very much. He needs some time to put himself back together so he can take care of you. You understand that right?"

"I understand that everybody here seems to forget that I lost my brother too." I say rounding on her. "I'm having a hard time too. I'm confused too. I need to get better too"

"Nobody's forgetting that Evan. Sam brought you here so you can get better."

"That's great Ms.…" I say rubbing my eyes

"Ellen. Just Ellen" She says

"Ms. Ellen" I say flatly, "I appreciate the pep talk but it's really late and I'd like to get to bed if you don't mind"

Ellen smirks and uncrosses her arms "You know, you're a lot like your brothers. Especially Dean"

I cringe at the sound of his name.

"Okay, you go get some sleep."

I flick a smile at her and start for the stairs

"Goodnight, kiddo"

"Night."

I spend the next few days locked in Jo's room making call after call to Sam's cellphone and leaving messages since it goes straight to voicemail each time. I only go downstairs to eat. Ellen tries to make casual conversation with me a lot but I keep it cordial. I won't be here long enough to make an effort of being friends. Then one morning just as I get out of the shower, I hear my cellphone ringing. I almost slip on the wet tiles as I run over but I manage to keep my balance and flip my phone open.

"Sam?"

"Hey"

"Where have you been? I've been trying to call you for like a week"

"I've been… I've been pretty busy lately. A lot of stuff happened really fast"

"What happened? Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm fine. How are you?"

"Sam, you've got to get me out of here"

"Why, is Ellen being mean to you?" He asks obviously perplexed

"Well, no. She's real nice but Sam I don't belong here. Are you coming to get me soon?" I hold my breath waiting for his answer, which takes forever

"I can't yet, Evan. I'm on to something really big right now"

"A lead on Dean? I can help. Take me with you! I can help"

"Evan-"

"Or not, I won't get in your way. I can stay in the motels like I used to"

"Evan"

"Why not?" I shout

"Because it's still too dangerous right now. I need time"

"How much time?"

"I don't know yet." Sam sighs, "I'll call you"

"When?"

"When I get the chance. Be nice to Ellen, okay? Be good"

"Yeah. You be good too, Sam" I say and the line goes dead. I have a bad feeling about this but it might just be because I know he's not coming back to get me as soon as I thought. I throw my phone hard against the wall and it makes a loud cracking noise. When I see it, the screen is broken. I slip it into my back pocket and thump downstairs because I don't feel like being alone.

I see that Ellen is in a black dress and standing by the front door.

"Where are you going?" I ask her

"Oh. I left a note. A friend of mine just passed and I'm going to pay my respects. Lunch is in the fridge" She says and pulls the door open

"Wait"

She pauses and turns to me "Why? What's the matter?"

"Can I come?"

"You want to come to a funeral?" Ellen chuckles a little

"I've never been to one" I shrug.

"I've never been to one" I shrug and it's true except for my mother's but that doesn't count.

"Alright. Well, do you have something black to wear?"

"In my duffle I have a black suit"

"Well hurry, go get it on" Ellen laughs

The weather is so nice that it seems dumb to waste it on a funeral. The breeze laps gently through my hair and I'm glad we're outdoors. I gaze around at all the sobbing faces and stoic ones, wondering who this person's closest family is. The big blown up picture is of dark haired brown-eyed man with pale skin. I scan what I can see of the front row for a woman or a man crying exceptionally hard and that's when I see her. A young girl, my age or older holding a white flower; her head was down underneath one of those black hats with a black net over the eyes that I thought were only worn in movies. Her long dark brown hair was flowing gently on the wind. I wonder what it would feel like to run my fingers through it. She's beautiful. Her pink lips were puckered out slightly and I close my eyes and imagine myself tasting them. Sweet strawberries. Everyone stands, the casket is lowered, and Ellen walks over to the girl. I stay in my seat and watch. The girl nods and bows her head and Ellen moves to another group of adults; an older couple. I watch the girl drop the flower into the hole and shovel some dirt into it. She's barraged by people giving her hugs and condolences, which she accepts with a nod and thanks before she's escorted away by the couple Ellen was talking with.

"You up for more?" Ellen asks me snapping me into attention, "there's a small get together at Rick's brother's house and some close family and friends are going to be there"

"Okay" I say and look to see if the girl is still there but she isn't

"Okay" Ellen says and we start back to the car

"Is Rick the guy who died?" I ask on the ride over

"Yeah. He was a hunter too"

"A hunter? Why did they bury him?"

"The funeral was for his relatives" Ellen explained, "His daughter probably had a pyre for him last night. Poor kid. She lost her Mama and Daddy too." She clucks

"Like me" I say, "was her mom a hunter?"

"Yup"

"What's her name? Not her mom. I mean the girl"

"Haydn" Ellen says and looks over at me briefly, "why?"

"I'm crashing her party, I might as well know her name"

Ellen gives me another uneasy look "This isn't exactly a party, Evan"

"Potato, potato" I say and pronouncing it differently both times

"Evan, I mean it. She's real broken up about this"

"Why wouldn't she be? Her dad just croaked"

Ellen pulls over to the side of a house and turns off the ignition "Try to be sensitive when we get in there. Please?"

"Didn't anyone ever tell you?" I say and open my door, "I'm the sensitive one. Ask anybody."

This guy must have the largest and closest family in the world because the house was crawling with people. Ellen reaches out for me but I pretend not to notice and quickly weave myself though the crowd away from her. Women and men bump into me and push past me with paper plates full of macaroni salad and glazed ham. Children run around my feet and knock into each other with no regard for anyone around them. I'm too occupied to be irritated; I have to find Haydn.

"Hi" A woman says getting into my line of vision while I scope out the room

"Hello" I smile briefly and continue my search

"So how did you know Rick?" She asks

"He's an old family friend." I say

"Oh, I'm sorry" The woman sniffles

"Yes, we're real broken up about it"

"We all are sweetie, I just feel so sorry for his daughter being an orphan now and all" suddenly, she has my full attention

"Where is she?" I ask a little too excitedly, "I mean, I want to give her my wishes"

"Oh, now isn't a good time. I think she went to her bedroom" The woman says and gives a quick nod down the hall

"Of course" I smile politely. "If you'll please excuse me" I say and brush past her. There's an arch in the doorway that leads to a downstairs and I follow it through to a door at the bottom. I knock once but there isn't an answer so I take the switchblade from my belt and pick the lock. The door creaks open and I step inside. I see the back of Haydn's head from the large red couch she's sitting. I walk to her and sit down next to her. She jumps and nearly drops the bottle of vodka in her hand.

"Whoa! Who the hell are you? How did you get in here?" She gasps and moves away from me to the other side of the couch

"The door was open." I say

"Liar" She says and lifts the bottle to her lips and takes a sip, "who are you? I've never seen you before"

"I'm here with Ellen"

"I didn't think Ellen had a son"

"She doesn't. I'm not her son. Are you trying to get wasted?" I ask and she hands me the bottle. I take a large gulp and hand it back. I've never had vodka before but it takes awful. She laughs.

"Don't drink much?" She asks

"Not vodka"

"Who are you?"

"Evan" I smile

"Well Evan, not to be rude or anything but do you mind leaving? I kind of want to be alone"

"Aren't you?"

Haydn takes another swig from the bottle.

"If you don't slow down you're going throw up"

"What do you know" She grumbles and leans back against the armrest, "Leave me alone; I'm mourning"

"Sucks your dad died"

"Thanks" She glares

"I mean it. It sucked when my dad died. My brother too"

"When did they die?" She asks and sits back up

"My dad died two years ago and my brother a couple of weeks ago"

"I'm sorry" Haydn frowns and leans forward towards me. Her breath reeks of liquor so strong I can almost taste it. I stand up and take a few steps away from her. Dean had a saying about hooking up with drunk girls when you're sober. "No".

"I should get going" I say to her. I'm so frustrated I feel like punching a wall.

"Wait, don't leave" Haydn groans, "I really don't want to be alone right now"

I sigh and run a hand down my face "neither do I, but I really have to go"

"Okay" She says and shuffles off the couch dropping her bottle on the way. I bend down and pick it up before it all spills out and she runs to a shelf and then back to me. "Give me your hand." She says

"Why?"

"Give me your hand" She repeats and grabs my hand and faces it palm up.

"What are you doing?" I demand as she scribbles my hand with a sharpie and then drops my hand.

"Bye"

She's so beautiful I want to grab her face and kiss her. "Bye" I say and run out of the room and back up stairs.

"Evan" Ellen calls out, "Are you ready to go?"

"Yes"

When we get back to the house I run up the stairs to Jo's room and shut the door. I look down at my palm. It says "Haydn" and has a phone number underneath it. I quickly add it to my phone and lay back down on the bed.

"Haydn" I whisper out loud. I sure do hope she remembers she gave it to me. Maybe she won't. Maybe I shouldn't call.

"I got a number, Dean" I say out loud. "She gave me her number". He'd be proud of me. I know it. Somehow knowing that he'd be proud of me makes me cry again. I cry myself to sleep and wonder if things ever get better.