Chapter 14: Sometimes I Get Angry

When Sam tells Dean and I that we have ghost sickness, I think he's just poking fun at us, but when he describes the symptoms I realize he's being completely honest.

"But Sam, we haven't seen a ghost in weeks" Dean protests

"Well, I doubt you caught it from a ghost. Look, once a spirit infects that first person, Ghost sickness can spread like any sickness through a cough, a handshake, whatever. It's like the flu. Now, Frank O'Brien was the first to die, which means he was probably the first infected. Patient zero."

"Our very own outbreak monkey"

"Right. Get this, Frank was in Maumee over the weekend. Softball tournament. Which is where he must have infected the other two victims"

"So, ghosts infected Frank. He passed it on to the other guys and I got it from his corpse?"

"And I got it from you!" I accuse Dean with a pout. Sam says we have one day before Dean and I both die from heart attacks. Sam says that it infects people who use intimidation as a weapon…People who are dicks.

"Then you're a dick too" Dean says

"Apparently, I'm not"

"What about me? I'm the least dicky out of all three of us"

Sam and Dean both look at me and then I remember that what I did to that rougarou a few weeks ago was "insensitive" or whatever. "Well I'm just a kid, that shouldn't count." I grumble but I'm starting to get an eerie feeling and I don't feel like talking about it anymore. I just want to be saved and quick.

I'm worse off than Dean is even though I got sick after he did. When he smashes the wall clock I can't stop screaming. Then he starts screaming and then I start screaming louder. When Sam gets in, it takes him a few minutes to calm us both down again but by that time I'm crying. Dean coughs up a woodchip and that gives Sam an idea of where to look. My arm is so itchy and hot that I can't stop scratching it.

Sam wraps my arms up in ace bandages and gives me something to drink to calm my nerves. This time he takes Dean and I along with him to check things out.

I never thought that I was afraid to die before but now it's like living in a nightmare. Everyone and everything looks as though it's about to kill me.

Dean has a meltdown once we find out that the ghost that we need to kill to lift this curse can't be burned because he was dragged to death and left nothing to dispose of. He thinks that we're crazy for hunting ghosts in the first place.

"We are insane!" He shouts, "You know, and then there's the bad diner food and then the skeevy motel rooms and then the truck-stop waitress with the bizarre rash. I mean, who wants this life, Sam? Huh? Seriously? Do you actually like being stuck in a car with me eight hours a day, every single day? I don't think so! I mean, I drive too fast. And I listen to the same five albums over and over and over again, a-and I sing along. I'm annoying, I know that." Dean points to me with an accusatory finger "The freaking Good Son over here is a psychopath. And you! You're gassy! You eat half a burrito, and you get toxic! I mean, you know what? You can forget it!" Dean throws the car keys at Sam who catches it in the air.

"Dean, where are you going?" Sam calls after Dean as he storms away

"I'm done, I quit" Dean says without breaking his stride. I want to go after him but it's way too dark and scary out there and I'll probably get killed. That, and frankly I'm a little hurt that Dean thinks that I'm a psycho.

I'm the first to experience the final hallucination. Sam was gone and Dean and I were alone in the motel again when my father appears to me. He's sitting on the edge of my bed with his chin resting delicately on his fists as though he's in deep thought.

"Dad? You're n-not real." I stammer

"Come here, Evan. Have a seat"

I should run and I know that but I'm too afraid. I'm compelled to obey him and I take a few hesitant steps towards him.

"Y-you're dead. You went to heaven"

"That's right" He grins, "I'm finally where I belong. In heaven with my wife; the only woman I've ever loved"

"Is mom in heaven?"

"Your whore mother? I wouldn't know. I haven't gone looking for her but I doubt it." He snarls

"What?" I feel the sting of tears gathering in my eyes.

"My best bet is that she took the one way trip into the eternal sauna. That's what happens to people who kill themselves"

"What are you talking about?" My cheeks become damp under the stream of hot tears leaking

"Your mom didn't just die. She killed herself because of you. She wasn't stabbed." He traced a finger along the curve of his neck and grinned; "She just didn't want to take care of you anymore" He says and stands up, "Everyone around you dies and it's not an accident. But I won't let you kill my sons" He starts walking towards me and I move backwards until my back is pressed against the wall.

"I'm your son too." I cry

"No you're not" Dad growls at me, "You're just the bastard son of some whore. I never wanted you"

"Dad" I whisper and choke from my uneven soggy breathing

"My children were the best parts of the woman I loved." He snaps. He's looming over me now. My heart is pounding against my chest hard, "Sam, inherited her brains and Dean? He got her good heart. When she died I got to take the best parts of her with me. When your mother died? I inherited her burden."

"Daddy please, stop" I'm sob at him

"I'm not about to let you screw up again and kill the only good I got left on this Earth." Dad reaches behind him and pulls a baseball bat from his belt that seems to have manifested from nowhere.

"Daddy, don't" I scream and curl up into a ball on the floor

"Batter up!" He says and raises the bat over his head. I jump to my feet and move away right as he swings it down. Dad reaches down towards me but I crawl underneath my bed.

"Get back over here and take it like a man" Dad growls at me. I crawl as far as I can from his reach but that doesn't stop him from grabbing and clawing at the bed for me. I can hardly breathe; the pain in my chest is unbearable. Dad starts slamming the bat down on the bed over and over again. I hear Dean yelling from the next room.

"Dean! Help!" I scream as my pants begin to dampen. The smell of fresh urine wafts up to my nose and I'm vaguely aware that I'm laying in a puddle of my own piss when my chest tightens so much that I can hardly breathe. I don't come out when the pounding stops or when the pain in my chest vanishes. When Dean comes looking for me I shrink back even farther under the bed. I just can't face him like this with my pants wet because of a hallucination. It doesn't take long from him to find me, though, and in a few minutes he'll laying on his stomach, peering at me.

"You gonna come out from there, little guy?" He asks

Little guy. Now I'm little guy again. Great.

"Come on out Evan, it's over"

"I can't" I say softer than I intended to

"Why not?"

I don't answer. He must know already. He has to smell my shame.

"Come on out, buddy. If you want me to leave the room for a while I will. Okay?"

I nod

"Okay" He says and vanishes from my sight. I hear his boots clomping their way out of the room and the door shut behind him. I quickly shower and get dressed in clean clothes and leave the dirty ones under the bed where the mess was made. Dean and I don't talk about it. When Sam comes back Dean tells him that we should get out of this place because it's giving him the creeps so we leave. It's one of the nicest things my big brother has ever done for me and I'll never forget it.

Dean doesn't want to talk about his hallucination. He says that it was nothing that he couldn't handle. Sam doesn't believe him but he lets it go and asks me what I saw.

"Dad" I say

"You saw Dad?"

"Yeah"

"What did he say?"

"Stuff he'd never say. My mom was a whore and he didn't love me… stuff like that" I mutter and take a swig of the beer I was given

Sam frowns "you don't actually believe that stuff right? You know it was just the disease messing with your head?"

"Yeah, I know" I say and it's true. I know that everything was in my head and Dad loved me but I guess there's a part of me that thinks otherwise.

The homecoming dance comes and goes while I'm on the road with Sam and Dean. I wonder if Haydn went to the homecoming dance at our school. I get angry the first few times I think about someone dancing with her but then I think that maybe she'll be happy to dance with someone instead of being lonely. I hope she had a good time. On long car rides when the day stretches on over miles and miles of road without stopping for more than a bathroom break or a tuna sandwich; I think of Haydn dancing around in a dress like the one Jen wore that night at Riley's party, but I see her differently now. I still remember what she looks like well, but the memory is more general now and less detailed. How much her eyes squinted when she laughed or how far in her dimples went in when she smiled, how fast she would breathe when she talked to me about something that excited her. I close my eyes and work really hard to remember because I can't… I just can't let her fade away like my mother did.

We have a case for Halloween. A couple of years ago, Sam saw his girlfriend alive for the last time on Halloween night. I wonder if he thinks about that every year. He seems alright so I don't think so. For a long time I thought that Jess was the only woman Sam ever loved but now I'm not so sure. Maybe Sam never loved any woman. Not really anyway.

Sam exorcises a demon with his mind again and saves a lot of people. Dean is weary but I still think that it's pretty cool. Plus our job is to save people, right?

I'm always excited when a restaurant offers cream soda to drink because when I do, Dean always refills my cup with beer after I finish it. I don't know how we get away with it; cream soda looks and smells nothing like beer but the waiters never seem to notice. Dean knocks back shots that he has sent over from the bar section.

"Can I try one?"

"Finish your beer" He says and winces at the flavor of his drink

"Come on, Dean. I'm fifteen" I whisper, "I just want to tr-"

Dean passes me a full glass before I finish whining and I grin devilishly. I take it quick while Sam tells us about his encounter with another angel named Uriel. Dean doesn't like him but Sam trusts him because he's an angel. I'm impartial. As long as they leave my brothers alone and don't try to "stop" them, I really don't care what they're up to.

I'm not old enough to pass with a fake ID in the pool halls where my brothers hustle so I usually wait back at the motel room for them to get back. Tonight I hope they take a long time because I have plans. I don't know how I'm supposed to do this but I try anyway. I fold my hands together, close my eyes, and pray.

"Dear God, can you do me a big favor and send me that angel that talks to my brother all the time? Castiel? He has black hair and he wears a trench coat, a beige trench coat and a tie. He's about… I don't know… 5'10 or 5'11 and blue eyes?"

I open one of my eyes but nothing happens so I close it again.

"God, I really need to tell him something very important about Sam. He's about to do something just horrible and-"

I hear a whooshing sound and open my eyes to see Castiel right in front of me. I close my eyes again "Thanks God" and smile.

"God didn't send me, Evan. I heard your prayer. What's happening with Sam?"

"So do I just pray to you then?" I ask

"Yes. What is the news about Sam?"

"Oh" I shrug, "I don't have any. I just figured it was the only way I'd get you down here. I need help"

Castiel's normally apathetic face twisted into a agitated frown as he took slow brooding steps towards me "Do you think that this is a game?" he asks

"No, I just need your help with something and I know you helped Dean"

"I don't think you understand the gravity of the situation your brother is in"

"I get it. Honest" I say realizing that I may have pissed off something very powerful but noticing that I'm no longer afraid of the creature for some reason and haven't been since he threatened Sam. "I know that my brothers are really important for some big reason, but I'm not completely useless either, you know. Please Castiel? Will you just hear me out for a little bit since you're here?"

Castiel's jaw was set tight but I knew that look from Dean well enough to know that he was listening.

"You sent Dean back in time to meet his mother. I'm just wondering if you can do the same for me, maybe? I'd like to meet her but even more… I'd like to know how she died"

Castiel shook his head "That's impossible"

"Why?" I nearly shout

"Because Dean wasn't sent back to satisfy curiosity, Evan. He was sent back to satisfy a greater purpose. I am an angel, not a transportation device for petulant, manipulative children."

"Castiel, please. I just. I have to know. I don't know anything about my own mother. I just have to know what killed her. Bela says that she was stabbed but I don't know by who or if she was lying or what. Please help me"

"You have her name" He squints at me, "you know where she's from. You've done more with less. Why don't you find out for yourself?"

He disappears in a flutter and I'm alone. Rage consumed my entire body so fast that I shook with anger; in retrospect, I guess it was because I was forced to face what I've been running from all of these years. My mother's death. All of these years I've wondered and longed to know the answers to the mystery shrouding my mother's death but I've never tried to find any of it out on my own. I didn't want to know the truth. After Castiel leaves me alone in the motel room, I'm broiling. I throw the covers off of the beds and knock over the lamp, and the bulb shatters on the ground. The television set is heavy but I manage to yank it from the wall and smash it on the ground. Then there's knocking at my door.

"Hey! Are you alright in there?" A man is shouting. I grab my coat from a chair and open the door. There's a middle-aged man with a look of panic on his face in the doorway but I push past him and slam the door behind me.

"Kid! Kid, are you alright?" He shouts but I'm not listening. I break into a sprint out of the parking lot and down the street. I run until my legs burn like fire and my lungs tighten so much I can hardly breathe, and then I walk. I don't recognize where I am, but it's clear that I'm not in the city anymore. The big houses all around me hint that I'm in an upscale suburban area. I hope I can find a payphone to call Sam and Dean. I left my phone in the motel. Crap. Sam and Dean are going to flip when they come back and see what happened. I wonder if they'll think that I've been kidnapped or something. When I finally reach a payphone, I'm in an area where the houses are much smaller than before but it's still pretty upscale in my opinion. I call Sam's phone and leave a message. I tell him the street intersection I'm on and the direction I ran in, told him that I was okay and I'd wait here. It's cold out and I can see my breath, the sidewalk is damp but I sit down when my legs are too tired to stand. A light flicks on in the house across the street. The window shade is open and I can see right through the window into the bedroom where the light is on. A man is moving around the room quickly. He looks like he's pacing back and forth. It sounds like he's yelling from here. There's a faint crash and then he yanks a young girl into my view. She's small and young, maybe six, and she's wearing a nightgown. He jerks her up by the arm and shouts something into her face before throwing her down again. I stand. He grabs a belt from his waist and starts swinging. Without thinking I'm kicking down the front door and barreling up the steps. I hear whipping sounds and the little girl screaming bouncing around in my head until I open the door and see his pants down… now I'm screaming too. Then he's screaming and then there's silence. My fists rise and fall again and again, I can no longer feel the bones in his face shattering under my knuckles, I can't hear him crying as his warm blood splashes on my shirt, arms, and face. His facial features are crushed beyond recognition. I don't stop hitting him when he stops struggling, or when his body starts to convulse, or even when he's limp. It's when my eyes flick up and see the little girl crying under the bed that I'm able to release him. The sound comes back in an instant and I can hear her screaming and crying in fear. My hands are numb and cramped but I crawl to the edge of the bed and reach my hand out for her.

"Shh, don't cry. He won't hurt you anymore okay?" I say to her but she just backs away

"I won't hurt you. I promise. I'm here to save you." I say as soothingly as I can, but she doesn't budge. I look around the room for something to lure her out with and I see a ratty old teddy bear with an eye missing hanging half way off of her bed. I grab it and hold it in front of her.

"You forgot your teddy, sweetheart. Do you want him?"

She's still trembling but by the way her eyes widened I can tell that I've piqued her interest.

"Baby, I know that you're scared but we really have to go now. Now, I'm taking your teddy here with me, I'm going to take him somewhere safe. Do you think that maybe, you can come along and keep him company? He'll be real lonely without you, don't you think?"

She reached out a hand for the bear but I pulled him back a little. After a few minutes she crawls out from underneath the bed and reaches for her bear. I hand her the bear and pick her up. She squeals a little and squirms but I hug her and tell her that it's going to be okay. That I'm here to rescue her because I heard her prayers. It was a shot in the dark but it works and she stares at me in awe. I push her soft blonde hair back and kiss her forehead.

"Are you ready to go?"

She nods and I carry her from the room, making sure I stepped over the man's lifeless body on my way out.

"Is there anyone else inside?" I whisper to her and she shakes her head no

"Where's your Mommy?" I ask as I start down the street in the direction from where I came.

She shrugs. Tears roll down her face.

"What's your name?"

"Kaylee" She whispers softly

"Kaylee? What a pretty name" I see the Impala coming down the street and I heave a sign of relief and wave them down.

Dean pulls over and I open the back door with one hand and try to set her down but her arms are locked around my neck so I just climb in and sit down with her still wrapped around me

Dean and Sam both crane their necks back and look at me.

"Who's your friend?" Dean asks loudly

"This is Kaylee. Kaylee, these are my brothers Dean, and Sam. We're going to take you somewhere safe now, okay?"

We dropped her off at the police station. Sam takes her inside even though I almost have to pry her off of me; I can't take her in because I'm covered in blood. Dean asks me what happened and I tell him that I saved her from a monster.

"What happened back at the motel?"

"I was feeling cramped. I needed to take a walk"

"Is that why you smashed up everything inside?"

"Yeah. Yeah I guess so"

Sam comes back and tells us to go, that she'll be alright.

"Where are we going?"

"We have a case. Anna Milton. Demons are pretty hot and heavy on her"

"Okay" I say and look out of the window. My hands are swollen and they're going to hurt like hell tomorrow. Good.