Chapter 24: I Want More

"On three" Sam says as he positions himself behind me. I feel a sharp jolt as he slams my arm back into its socket before he even says "one". I hate it when he does that. I try not to cradle my throbbing arm as I sit down across from my brothers at the table.

"So… you fell, huh?"

"Yeah" I nod and touch my shoulder gingerly under my fingertips

"Where?" Dean asks but I can tell he knows

"Down some stairs"

"Some stairs…"

"Some stairs at a house… My house. I had to go in guys, I had to see it"

"Did you find what you were looking for?" Sam asks me but his expression has softened like he's curious about what I saw in the house.

"I don't know. It was weird. Everything was different than I remember except I don't remember anything really. I kept seeing her everywhere. Then when I found my bedroom, she was on the floor dead. I ran away. But nothing was out of place when I left. I was careful."

"Did anyone see you?" Dean asks

"No." I say even though I'm not that sure. "Did you find anything today?"

"Yeah" Sam says, "get this, your mother was a bartender at a bar called the Mad Town Saloon not too far from here."

"My mom was a bartender?"

"We talked to an old co-worker of hers, Emily Turner, she says she was a close friend of your mom's…" Dean pauses

"I don't remember her"

"Well she says that Reggie was more than just a little sweet on your mom. Margaret had apparently thought it was a harmless crush. Nobody else liked it. Emily thinks he was involved too."

"But why would he kill her if he liked…"

Mom's torn nightgown. Screaming. Screaming. My head is spinning. Blood. Blood. Blood. Mom. I stumble out of my seat. My brothers are talking to me. I can't hear them. Screaming. Screaming. "Reggie?". I vomit and crumple to my knees. Dean catches me and pulls me to him. I can't feel my legs and I can't breathe.

Margaret Ann Kingsley was sexually assaulted at knifepoint on a cool June night in 1999. During the attack, she identified her assailant. Her attacker then stabbed her eight times in the abdomen and fled the scene. Her four-year-old child witnessed the incident from the bedroom closet and contacted the police. Margaret Kingsley was pronounced dead at the scene and the child was placed in protective custody until his surviving parent arrived to claim him. No arrests were made.

"You think that's probably why he's so prone to killing those freaking perverts?" I hear as I get dressed in the bathroom. My brothers are back again after looking into more information on Reggie Larson's whereabouts. I feel calm and relaxed. My mind is as serene as it's ever been. Beautiful Dreamer chimes in my head, I didn't even know that I knew this song. Maybe Mom had a music box that played this song. I feel fine. I walk out of the bathroom and see my two brothers. They've changed into their regular clothes now. Dean asks me a question but I don't hear the words, but I do notice that his voice is getting deeper and deeper every year, like a second puberty. I wonder how he'll sound when he's old. Sam's hair has grown some more. I wonder if he's going to cut it or grow it into a ponytail. I'm almost as tall as Dean is now. What if I'm as tall as Sam one day? That would be something. Dean snaps in front of my face.

"You okay?" He asks. He looks worried

"What did you find?" My voice is easy and steady.

Sam cocks an eyebrow "Uh. Um, Reggie Larson moved. He's living in Cape Girardeau, it's a few hours from here"

Dean makes a face.

"That's where your girlfriend lives. Cassie?" I ask

He looks surprised that I remember her name. My memory is good today.

"She's not my girlfriend but yeah she lives there"

"Are you going to stop by and say hi?"

"No"

"Okay." I shrug, "let's get this show on the road fellas"

"Okay, but how are you?" Dean asks

"I'm fine. I feel pretty good actually"

"What?" Dean frowns

"What's wrong?"

"Evan, you are not fine. It's okay. I wouldn't be fine either if I just found out what you did"

"No. I'm good" I shrug again

Sam and Dean both squint at each other and then back at me. Sam runs a hand through my hair and rests it on my neck.

"Evan, it's okay to be upset. Nobody expects you to keep moving immediately. Get mad if you need to. Cry, scream, throw a punch. Let it out."

"Are you done yet?" I smile. These two spend so much time worrying, how did they ever make it so far?

Sam removes his hand tentatively and I shake my head.

"Come on, guys. We still have a job to do" I say and hike my bag over my sore shoulder. I'm ready.

We check into a motel since Sam and Dean want to go at night. There are still some hours of daylight outside so I take a walk to the park while they're still in the lobby. My cellphone is on so when they start panicking, I'll be around. I sit at a park bench across the street. There's an old woman sitting next to me and I give her a smile but she pretends not to see me. She checks her watch as a small girl runs over to us. She has small spiral curls in her hair and a pink plush elephant in her hand.

"Grandma, did you see me on the swing?" She pants

"Come Penny, it's late" The old woman and takes the little girl's hand. She leads her away from the park. I wonder if she's going home to see her mother and father now. Maybe…

"Daddy! Daddy!" A young boy cries out. He has dirt on the knees of his overalls and tears in his eyes. A man walks over to him and scoops him up.

"What happened champ?"

"I fell Daddy." The boy wails

"You fell? How about we get you some ice cream? Would you like that? Don't tell Mommy, okay?" The man coos as he carries his son away from the park. My phone rings. I stroll back to the motel to meet up with my anxious brothers.

I feel so relaxed as we begin our stakeout that I'm getting sleepy so I rest my eyes in the backseat. Sam and Dean keep one eye on the house and the other on me. All I know is that the house is tan. I don't see anything else. Nothing else matters.

"Is that him?" Dean asks

"Yeah. I think so. That's Reggie Larson."

"Great" Dean grumbles

I lean forward to see what they're talking about and I see him. The man from the park with the whiny child in his arms. They're sharing an ice cream cone. The music is starting to play again. I like it. My mother probably had a music box with this song. Beautiful Dreamer. What a peaceful song.

Sam and Dean are talking. They're both so troubled. Always troubled. Night falls like a blanket over the sky. The stars are out tonight. I can see it through my window. My brothers are tired from working so hard for me these past few days. I slide out of the backseat and start for the house. I put the ski mask over my face on my way. My brothers are more awake than I thought. They're right on my tail.

Dean says that we should get him when he's alone.

I drift into the house before he can pull me back. I don't know how I got inside. It's as though I just melted through the wall, except that the door is wide open behind me now. Dean said one shot is all I need. Dean is wrong. It's too late to turn back now and my brothers both know it. They put their masks on.

I float into a bedroom and over to the bed. Reggie's hair is in my hand and a woman next to him is screaming. Dean runs into the bedroom and shouts as well. Everyone is yelling and yelling. I yank Reggie out of bed and he's already begging for his life. I press the gun against his temple and tell him to cooperate. He wets himself as I lead him out of the house. I keep him in the backseat with me when we drive away.

Dean and Sam find an empty warehouse. They have an eye for finding things like this. Dean isn't happy about the piss smell in his car. Reggie is still crying and pleading for his family. I drag him out of the car and on to the damp concrete ground.

"Please, oh God please, I'll do whatever you want!" He chokes and screams. Sam and Dean are both standing close behind me. I like to hear this man beg me. It goes in rhythm with the music playing. Beautiful Dreamer. Maybe my mom had a music box. I'm feeling good.

"Are you Ryan Carson?" I bark

"Ryan Carson?" He sputters, "N-no! I'm R-R-Reggie L-Larson! You've got the wrong guy!"

"Oh right, Reggie Carson, that's what I meant" I smile

"N-no! My n-name is Larson! Reggie Larson!" He's drooling now. I put the gun against his forehead.

"Right. That's what I meant" I say in a low voice. This is more fun than I thought it would be.

"Alright, do it" Dean growls at me

"What? No! Please don't!" He snorts, "I'll do anything! I haven't seen your faces! I d-don't even know who you are! Please fellas! It'll be like nothing happened!"

I rip the mask off of my face and his crying slows.

"Oh God, come on, you're just a kid. Kid, you don't want to do this!" He looks over at Sam and Dean, "Please guys, you don't want your kid to get into this. Please! You're probably r-reasonable guys!"

"Shut up" I hiss and press the gun against his forehead

"Just do it already!" Dean yells. Sam puts a hand on his arm to stop him.

I lean closer to my mother's killer, "Margaret Kingsley" I say

"What?" He sobs

"Margaret. Kingsley. You killed her right in front of me? I was a lot shorter back then, maybe you don't recognize me"

He starts shaking harder. I didn't think he had any piss left inside of him but I was wrong.

"P-p-p-please. I-I-I was j-just a kid. I almost k-killed myself for that. I'm s-so sorry. I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it! I was high! I panicked! Please don't kill me. Please, I have a family. I've never hurt anyone again. I have a little boy. Please!"

"Don't worry. I'm going to take care of them. Nice and slow" I grin. I move my gun away from his head and shoot him. He's screaming louder than I ever thought possible now. It's almost louder than my music. He holds the bloody mound where his balls used to be and topples over.

"Okay" Sam says, "Finish him"

"Nope. Dean said one shot." I say

"One more. Finish him" Dean says

I kick the man in his wound. Suddenly I can't stop stomping him. There's blood all over my pants and shoes. I fall to my knees and start stabbing him. Hot blood splashes all over me. Sam puts an arm around my chest and under one of my legs and lifts me off of him. Dean shoots the guy in the head and runs to the trunk. Sam pulls me with him into the backseat as Dean covers the dead body head to toe with bleach. He runs back to the car and we drive off. Reggie is dead. My mother's murderer is dead and I don't feel anything. It was so easy and fast. The music is gone now and so is my smile. I feel nothing. No retribution, no satisfaction, nothing. It's not good enough. He's dead and it's not good enough. Killing him once wasn't enough. I want to do it again. I want him to bleed on me again. I need to do it slower next time. I will. Somehow, I will.