Chapter 25: It's Not Enough For Me

They don't speak to me for a full day. Dean washes the Impala for hours, preening it like a cat grooming itself. Sam scours the radio and news for any word about us. Somehow, we've lucked out again. I'm starting to think the police in Missouri are just extremely inept. That's lucky for us this time. I think they're just worried that someone will ID them again. We'll be okay though; we're always okay in the end.

In the morning Dean tells me to get up because we're headed for Nebraska.

"What for?"

"Case" He says and gives me a lingering side-glance as he packs up his bag.

"Demon?"

He doesn't answer. He hauls his bags up and walks out of the room. Sam's still putting on his boots so I hurry and do the same.

"What's going on in Nebraska?" I ask him

Sam stands and holsters a gun to his belt "like he said. Case" He says and follows Dean. Yeah, because that just answers all of my questions… I roll my eyes and load myself into the backseat of the Impala.

It's a quiet ride but it's not because my brothers are angry at each other for a change. It's nice. I sleep most of the way there.

"Any idea of what we're after?" I ask after a few minutes after we check in.

"We" Dean says putting heavy emphasis on the word and gesturing between him and Sam "are going to find out"

"What about me?" I frown

"What about you?"

"What am I going to do?"

"That's up to you" Sam says, "You can read, you can do whatever, as long as you stay here"

"I can't help?"

"No, you can't" Dean says sharply

"Are you guys upset about something?" I don't understand the sudden coldness towards me. I haven't done anything wrong.

"Are you serious? After that stunt you pulled over in Missouri?"

"You mean when I avenged my mother's death? Is that why you're angry? I'm sorry guys, but I'm having trouble figuring out what I did wrong"

Dean puts his gun down and walks around the table towards me.

"Let's see" He says and lifts up his hands.

"You run to the house without so much as a warning so we have to race just to keep up with you and provide you with cover" He says and starts counting off on his fingers, "You completely blasted the front door open so the entire neighborhood could hear us go in, then, you barge into the first room you see and grab someone from under the covers, luckily it wasn't the kid's room. Then at the warehouse, it wasn't enough that you had this guy begging for his life, but you torture him"

"What was I supposed to do? Let him go?" I roll my eyes

"You know I think that's the worst part" Dean shakes his head slow, "you still don't get it."

"Sam, please" I say looking desperately over to my brother for support "tell him"

He just squints a little and furrows his brow "Evan, do you feel anything about what happened back there?"

"Yeah. I'm a little confused about why you're both so mad at me"

"No, that's not what I mean. Does anything that happened that night bother you? Make you feel bad, angry, or even relieved?"

"He killed my mother. Why would I feel bad?"

"Because you whether or not you think he deserved it, it's normal to feel anything ranging from guilt to remorse for something like that. Even if it's for his family."

"Why should I feel guilty about them? I didn't do anything to them!" I shout.

"Yes you did, and we understand why you killed Reggie, but you don't feel anything at all?"

"Why should I feel bad about killing a murderer? Why should I be sad about his family? I didn't shoot his wife even though she was freaking out! I left her alone, didn't I? I didn't touch the kid!"

"Forget the family, forget the family!" Dean shouts over me. I stop talking and he continues, "When was the last time you felt bad about anything you've done?"

I feel so flustered that I can't even think straight. I don't know why they're ganging up on me like this but I try to think anyway. I think back as far as I can but I can't think of anything that I've done that I should feel bad about. I didn't do anything wrong, so I tell him that.

"You're saying that you've never have done anything wrong in your life ever?" Dean's eyes are two judgmental slits.

"I don't know. I only do what you guys tell me to do!"

"We told you to carve open some guy's chest because you're mad at him? Is that really what you heard when we started in on your mother's case? Does that sound like something either of us would say?"

"You said-"

"I said 'one shot'"

"I did take one"

"You shot off his balls" Sam interjects

"I shot him once!"

"Stop it" Dean snarls, "You know what I meant. We said we would help you, that's what we signed on for. What we didn't expect was to stand there and watch you torture a man to death like it was nothing. "

"What do you think you're doing when you torture demons? There are humans in there too but that doesn't stop you two from slicing them up."

"Most of the time those people are long gone by the time we even get there" Sam says, "we save as many people as we possibly can"

Dean shakes his head at me "Evan, you're fifteen years old, what's wrong with you?"

"Nothing" My voice comes out as a whisper. I clench my fists and speak up "I'm the same as you guys."

"Sam and I are a lot of things, but we're not cold. While we're gone, I want you to think, really think about what happened the other night. Try to put yourself in someone else's shoes for a change-"

"Why? So I can feel bad? Why do you want me to feel bad?"

"Because you're supposed to feel bad sometimes, Evan." Sam says

"But why?"

"Because it's that's what separates us from them" Dean says firmly. "You're not a killer. That's what makes us different than everything out there that we hunt. Our job is to save people. Not kill them. Think about that while you're on the bench sitting this one out."

They get dressed in their suits and start out while I glare at them from my chair.

"Don't move 'til we get back" Dean says and leaves

"I can't even leave the house? Are you serious?"

Sam straightens his tie and nods, "Yeah. You're grounded. Call us if you need anything" He says and closes the door behind him.

I am fifteen years old and I'm grounded for the first time. I pass the time by cleaning the guns and sharpening knives. If this is all there is to being grounded, I'm not too put out. Sure I can't help Sam and Dean with the case but I'm not old enough to pretend to be FBI anyway. The real only thing that changed between before today and right now is that now they're saying I'm grounded instead of saying I'm too young. That and I'm not allowed to leave. When they get back they're in lighter spirits. Dean says that urban legends are coming to life and he cooks a ham right in front of me with a joy buzzer.

"Can I try?" I ask enthusiastically

"No. You're grounded" Dean barks but I can tell that he's not angry with me anymore.

"So, what? Are we looking at cursed objects here?" Sam asks as Dean carves off a piece of ham and tosses it to me.

"Maybe it's a witch." I say with my mouth full

"You know what I'm thinking, maybe it's a witch" Dean repeats thoughtfully

"I literally just said that"

"Yeah Dean, I think you may be right. Good call" Sam nods

"Is there any link between the joy buzzer and the itching powder?" Dean says and takes a bite of ham

"Same joke shop, maybe?" I ask

"One was made in China, the other Mexico, but hey you know what?" Sam snaps, "They were both bought from the same store"

"Good observation, Sammy" Dean says, "Great work. We should check it out"

"You guys are dicks." I grumble and they head out again.

After two long boring days of investigation, my brothers managed to find out that the creature causing all of the mayhem is a little half kid named Jesse. Everything he believes in comes to life. It's pretty awesome but he's hurting people so we have to find a way to stop him. I don't give my brothers any suggestions on how to handle the situation though, since they always get so bent out of shape whenever I mention killing something. When Castiel shows up he says it anyway.

"Kill him."

I don't know why I expected them to just go with it because Castiel says it, but I'm wrong. Even when he tells us what the kid is capable of and that he's the antichrist, all they could say is that they're the good guys who don't kill children.

"Wait, I don't get it" I interrupt, "if this thing is so powerful and important, why did yellow eyes have to pick on Sam and try to make him lead a demon army? Why didn't he just knock someone up and call it a day?"

"These things are very unstable and dangerous. One mistake could wipe out all existence."

"But how? Demons aren't that powerful and this thing is only half of one. I could almost understand if it was like half demon, half angel or something but-"

"We're wasting time" Cas snaps, "We have to act quickly before we lose it again or worse, the demons get it"

"And all of these years you guys didn't think that maybe finding this kid was a top priority? I mean, he's basically God, right? Shouldn't that have been number one on your list of things to do?"

"He was lost. Protected from angels and demons. That's why we have to act fast" Castiel glares at me for a moment and then turns back to my brothers

"Okay. Hey, look, we are not going to kill him. All right? But we can't leave Jesse here either. We know that. So...we take him to Bobby's. He'll know what to do." Dean says

Castiel takes a step forward "You'll kidnap him? What is going on in this town, it's what happens when this thing is happy. You cannot imagine what it will do if it's angry. Besides, how will you hold him? With a thought, he could be halfway around the world."

"So we—"

"So we tell him the truth." Sam interrupts, "You say Jesse's destined to go dark side, fine. But he hasn't yet. So if we lay it all out for him…what he is, the apocalypse, everything, he might make the right choice."

Castiel gives him a hard look "You didn't... And I can't take that chance" He vanishes.

"Why do you guys like him again?" I huff

Dean rolls his eyes at me and grabs his keys "We have to stop him"

When they get back a few hours later, I half expected the kid to be with them but he wasn't. Sam and Dean told me that a demon showed up before them and told him the truth about who he was, and that he ended up saving himself. They wanted to bring him with us, but he ran away to protect his parents.

"But if he can do anything, I mean he can make toys come back to life, why can't he protect his parents? Can't he just will them not to be hurt and then… that's it?"

"I don't think he was willing to risk it"

So there's some kid around who can literally do whatever he wants whenever he wants to do it but I guess we're just going to forget about it now and act like it never happened. I hope they decide to ground me every time they have such a stupid pointless case like this one.

We do a lot of traveling in the next few weeks moving around from case to case. I don't involve myself with it too much even though I finally got a few new ID's. Some say that I'm eighteen, and one other says that I'm 21, which is a stretch but I'm pretty tall so I think I could pass if I needed to. They were right, my mom's case was starting to get to me, but not for the reasons they wanted it to.

I just hate the fact that it's over now and it's like nothing happened at all. Nothing changed. My mom is still dead and I still don't know anything about her, except that she was a bartender. I can remember her image more clearly since Reggie, but I still don't know every detail of her face. It's as though killing him unlocked a small box of hidden memories inside of my mind. He was the key… except there are more boxes, more memories that are still locked that can't be reopened now because he's dead. I can't believe he died so fast and easy. It bothers me when I try to sleep. I still see her body on the ground when I close my eyes. It's as though that picture of her has been tattooed to my brain and I can't get it out. I try to think of other things but it always comes back to haunt me and torment me until I get so mad that I could scream.

All the while my brothers hunt these witches and demons like nothing ever happened. I can't tell them that it's not over for me. They can't handle hearing stuff like that from me because what happened that night upset them so much. They'd rather pretend it never happened at all. Dean even had Cas do him a favor and erase any evidence from the scene of the crime. I wonder all the time if Dean thinks about his mom burning to death as much as I think of my mom. We were both the same age when our mom's died. That should bond us together better… except it doesn't, because for Dean, the revenge part of it is over. Now he just wants to save the world. Yellow eyes killed his mom and Dad and now Yellow eyes is dead. End of story.

I envy his resolve because for me, I feel like Reggie Larson is just the beginning.