Chapter 26: I Love Her

When we meet up with the Trickster again, it's engaging enough to distract me from my thoughts. He warps our reality into a series of TV shows starring Sam and Dean. I of course, play a minor role in each scene since the angels never seem to consider me important enough to include in their games. It's more than a little insulting, although Sam and Dean say that I should be glad… I'm not. On each title screen, I'm credited as a guest star. I think the bastard just did that to get on my nerves. While Sam gets to play surgeon on Dean, I'm a nurse who hands him tools. When they star in the game show, I'm not even on stage giving prizes. The douche bag sticks me in the audience. The commercial wasn't so bad. I got to play Frisbee while Sam had to say that he had genital herpes to the camera. Dean and I both got a kick out of that one. After that, things get pretty old. Turns out the trickster isn't even a trickster at all. He's an angel and this whole trap he set up was just so get Sam and Dean to say yes to being vessels for Michael and Lucifer. He obviously didn't think his plan through because this was never going to work. Besides the fact that this was a major time waster, all he managed to do was mildly annoy us. He did manage to answer some of the questions floating around in my mind, however. Like why did it have to be my brothers of all of the people in the world to be chosen to fight in the apocalypse?

"You sorry sons of bitches. Why do you think you two are the vessels? Think about it. Michael, the big brother, loyal to an absent father, and Lucifer, the little brother, rebellious of Daddy's plan. You were born to this, boys. It's your destiny! It was always you! As it is in heaven, so it must be on earth. One brother has to kill the other."

"Where do I fit in?"

"Same place as me and everyone else. On the sidelines" He says in a mixture of sympathy and self-pity. It's gross.

I personally would have left him in the ring of holy fire forever, but I'm starting to think that I'm not as nice as my older brothers. Dean turns on the sprinklers and we leave.

The second time I meet Becky Rosen; she tricks us into going to a Supernatural convention. People walk around dressed up like villains or Sam or Dean. I even saw a good amount of Evans walking around. Sam and Dean are furious but I find it exciting. A cute blonde girl dressed up like a ghost walked up to me and recognized me immediately.

"Wow, Evan looking great. You got the hair absolutely perfect" She smiles at me. Sam purses his lips at me and he and Dean leave me with her.

"Thanks. I put a lot of thought into it" I grin

"Do you want to know a secret?" She says softly

"What?"

"Evan is my favorite"

"Really?"

She nods, "I know he's just the little brother and everything but there's something so nice about how dark and vulnerable he is"

"Dark and vulnerable?"

"He's so sweet. The way he cried when Dean told him that he sold his soul! I was emotional. You're the first guy I've seen around here dressed like him. I guess nobody here is secure enough to choose to be the baby. Except for you, anyway." She shrugs and winks at me

"The baby?" I frown

"Aw, don't pout, I think you're-… wait, how old are you really?"

"Eighteen"

"I think you're adorable. I hope they start making the books again, I'd love to see Evan sprout into something that looks like you" She finishes with a giggle

"Oh yeah?" I grin, "How do you think he would've turned out?"

"After watching both of his brothers die like that right in front of him? I think he'd just break. But you're Evan, why don't you tell me what happened after the last book?"

She grins flirtatiously at me and I look down at her. She's so much smaller than me even though she looks around nineteen years old. I wonder how she'd react to me telling her that I kill bad people with a machete. That I slice off their limbs and watch them writhe in pools of their own blood until they take their last shallow breath… and that I love it…

"I grew up" I smirk at her

"Show me, sometime" She winks

"I'll show you now" I say and take her hand. I hope all of the women here are this forward. This may be a good time after all.

Unfortunately other than the ghost girl (who's real name was Stacy), everyone was pretty much only in love with Sam or Dean, or they had become very involved in the role-play game the convention put on. I find my brothers drinking at the bar and join them.

"Where have you been?" Sam asks

"I had to take care of a ghost. There are a lot of girls here"

Dean seems to have noticed that already because he's hitting on a woman next to him.

"I think Becky is interested" I say and nudge Sam. He gives me a troubled look and shakes his head.

"What?" I ask as some guy walks by behind us talking about a real ghost, not a game. I guess it's lucky that we came after all.

When it's over, Becky tells us where we can find the colt so that we can kill Lucifer. If we kill him, my brothers will be saved, the apocalypse will be averted, and everything can go back to normal. Sort of…

All we have to do is find a demon named Crowley and kill him for it. The best news of all is that we get to team up with Ellen and Jo again. I like seeing them, especially Ellen. Sam and Dean are always so tight lipped around them and I can't understand it. Ellen is one of the smartest people I know and she never judges me or calls me crazy. I can trust her. We wait together at Bobby's house while Castiel tracks down the demon.

"How've you been?" Ellen asks as she sits down next to me with her beer

"Okay, I guess."

"You sound like you've got a lot on your mind" She frowns, "Wanna talk about it?"

I laugh a little at her sincerity. In my family, "do you want to talk about it?" is almost always a loaded question. You learn to just say no.

"Yeah, I don't mind talking about it, if you don't mind that I pour myself a drink first"

"Evan, you do not need to start that drinking stuff at your age, trust me"

"My brothers let me" I shrug as I pour myself a glass of scotch

"And I've been meaning to talk to them about it. You're fifteen, you don't-"

"Ellen" I laugh, "I'm fine. I swear. Stop worrying so much"

She gives me a hard eye but she doesn't say anything. I guess it's because she figures that if we do get the colt and go after the devil, we're all dead anyway. I'm a bit more optimistic. I won't die. I take a sip and get comfortable on the couch again.

"I found him. The guy who killed my mom. Sam, Dean, and I. We found him"

"Oh my God. What happened?"

"I killed him. Well, I started him. Dean finished him off"

"What was it?"

"What was it?" I frown, "It was a guy. A human. Just some dude who was hard up on my mom and couldn't take get lost for an answer… So I gutted him alive"

"What?" She gasps, face ashen

"I took my knife and I jabbed it into his stomach over and over again until it was ground meat."

She closes her eyes.

"I kept hearing this music playing. I think my mom had a music box that played beautiful dreamer, that's all I kept thinking of. I wish I knew her better"

"Evan-"

"I know. I've heard it all from my brothers so you don't have to yell at me. For some reason killing him like that was wrong. Even though he killed my mother"

She's looking at me so sadly now. I finish what's in my glass.

"Just tell me why" I grumble, "Why is it so bad that I killed the thing that killed my mom? What's so awful about me doing everything I can to get peace of mind?"

"And?" She asks me, her eyes deadlocked on my face, "Do you have it?"

I trace my fingers along the rim of my glass, "It was over so fast. I'm still so angry but it's over for him. It's over for everyone… but me"

"Be careful of that anger, Evan. It's ugly and it's raging. It'll eat you up from the inside out. When my husband died, I had nothing but anger… I was angry at the monster, at the world, at your dad. One thing kept me going."

"What was that?"

"My baby girl. I looked at her and I knew that I'd survive; somehow, I'd survive. She's all I had but it was all I needed to push on. She kept me grounded. That's what you need, son. Focus on something else beside the anger. It will still hurt like hell and the emptiness… it'll always be there, but if you have something to hold on to, it'll be a little less. You'll learn to move on. Love is stronger than any hate, son. You remember that"

I smile a little, "wow. You're still just as cheesy as I remember"

She gave the back of my head a little swat "smart ass"

I laugh and she pulls me close. She kisses the top of my head.

"God, I love you though"

I sit up and smile at her. "I love you too, Ellen". I realize then that I do. She's the closest thing I've had to a mother since my mom died and I love her very much. For a while, I forget all about Reggie and my mom. For a while, I'm not angry anymore