chapter 18

He's still on the hospital bed, recovering, or maybe not. He refuses to believe whatever has happened. He shuts himself. He does not willing to listen to the various sounds of people trying to comfort him in the room. He feels nothing, at all.

They say he rarely smile since after the incident. Of course, he smiled, but these smiles were fake. He did not want to worry his dear brother and friends.

He knew his dreams wasn't true. He wouldn't even doubt that. He smiled gently at the thoughts, his hands gripping a bit tighter on mint green sweater which is Sara's favorite and Hanie's mickey mouse dress, which the little precious girl had worn during their last visit.

Then he felt a tiny tear escape from his eye and roll down his cheek, remembering the first time he met Sara.

( "I don't want her to die, Stefan, She's only five." )

( "Our child will not Sara. I will not allow that to happen. She will live." )

#

( "Do you have any idea how thin you're getting?" )

( "I am sorry but I don't have enough money to go for lavish lunches and dinners, okay!?" )

( "We'll go eat and I'll pay for your lunch." )

( "Stefan, I hope you can stop treating me like a charity case." )

( "I never said you were one. But I am very sure you are the mother of my daughter, and I won't let you suffer like this. You look like you've no more energy left, then who will be taking care of Hanie later?" )

#

( "She will be scared, Stefan! She has never slept alone without me." )

( "She will be fine, haven't I promised you I'll do anything I can to save Hanie?" )

( "I've failed my first marriage and I don't wish to failed as a mother to my only daughter." )

#

Suddenly, every flashbacks scenes Stefan carried in his mind flashed before his eyes. His smile dropped in an instant.

( "Since when does your office colleagues uses that sweet perfume, Stefan? It smells horrible, I hate the smell and I know you must be with Tiffany all day!" )

( "Sara, stop this nonsense! We are divorced and be grateful enough that I let you stay here for a few months since you're nowhere to go. And yes, I'm out with Tiffany but why does that matter to you anyway? Now I don't care about where you're going to sleep tonight, you can go back to your ex-boyfriend, Minho his name right? Go, just go." )

These small dialogues played once more in his head, hurting him from the inside. Stabbing his already scarred a wounded heart. At that very moment he couldn't take it. His quiet sobs started to shake his body, as he was sniffing the smell attached on the two clothing that was left behind.

#

( "Sara, please I begged you, forgive me for what I've done to you." )

( "Stop it, please! I'm tired of crying. Fine, I forgive you but please remember I still hate you, Stefan Smith." )

( "I'm sorry, Stefan. I'm so sorry for hurting you the way I did. I love you too." )

( "No, Sara, it's not your fault at all. It's me, the mistake I did was too cruel. Sara, I want to make up for the past years of treating you so poorly. I hope you can forgive me; I promise to make you the happiest person that ever lived." )

In those fleeting seconds, fate has shifted.

Because suddenly at one moment, a confession is told then the next, they're arguing and time seems to both slow down and rush simultaneously.

#

( "It's scary to have these feeling and not know how to handle them. Our precious girl has been my source of strength, the reason why I could still be able to do what I've been doing, the reason why I'm still here." )

( "I hate thinking what would happen to me and Hanie in the future when the only thing that's keeping me going is you, Stefan. I won't be able to live if you're no longer around." )

#

( "You love to hear my heartbeat, isn't it? Now my love listens to it. It beats only for you. It will stop beating, if you're not with me for I can't live without you." )

( "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all though." )

( "Someday our hearts will be together again." )

( "Stefan, I know you're not going to remember anything I'm saying even if you can hear me. But when I'm with you, I'm with you and that's who I want to be with. Because I love you, alright?" )

The whole thing was so intense, so full of hurt reminiscing everything. He felt the deepest pain a man can ever feel in his heart. A cut so deep that medicine can't ever heal, but the pain of being alone is there. It's terribly hurting. It makes him emotionally and physically ill as if he was drowning in a sea of darkness.

He sighed and asked himself. "What do I do when the only one who can make me stop crying is the one who is making me cry?"