Desire to live. Part one.

Stopping the car in front of the fence of the two-storey house, Pravat sat in the car for a few more minutes before putting a smile on his face. It was only when he had a smile on his face that he got out of the car and headed towards his house.

As soon as he was in the grounds of his house, the big, fluffy dog immediately started jumping on him, making him forget for a moment about the news he had heard this morning.

"Jupiter, how are you? Did you miss me?"

Stroking the dog's head and feeling a sort of surge of energy, he smiled wider and headed towards the front door, which was always open.

"I'm home!" he exclaimed, but the girl who was sitting on the sofa with the phone in her hands paid no attention to him at all. It wasn't until he took off his shoes and sat opposite that she looked up and said, "You're home."

"Yes. I don't have a lecture today. What are you doing?"

Turning her attention back to the phone, a young girl with a short haircut and a few earrings in her ears replied lazily, "Talking to someone."

"Did mother call?"

"No. Why would she call?"

"Junta, look at me," Pravat said suddenly, wanting to look her in the eye.

"What?"

"Look at me," he repeated.

Lifting her eyes again, Junta threw a slightly irritated glance at him and then returned her attention to her phone again.

"You seem a bit strange today. What's wrong with you?"

"I have something to tell you," Pravat said quietly, almost in a whisper, though he himself was afraid to admit the fact that he only had one year to live. "Junta, you and I have been together for two years now," he began and didn't know how to continue. The words didn't want to turn into a sentence and he just fell silent.

"Go on. I'm listening to you."

"No. I just, it doesn't matter. I'm going to take a shower."

"Pravat, wait. I wanted to tell you that I'm leaving tomorrow with Jenny for Phuket. I don't know when I'll be back."

"Okay."

"What? Just okay? I see you don't care whether I leave for good or disappear from your life altogether," Junta said nervously and now her gaze was completely directed at Pravat, who could barely stand on his feet.

"You know that's not true. Why would you even think that?"

"What if I have another boyfriend? Would you not care either?"

"This conversation is a waste of time. I don't want to fight with you. Please."

"And you always act as if everyone around you is guilty of something. Well, now you make me feel guilty. It's like this every time. You're so perfect."

"What's wrong with you? What are you talking about? Junta, did my mother say something to you?" Hugging her, Pravat put her head on his shoulder and kissed her forehead fondly. "Tell me what's troubling you and if I've done anything wrong, I need to know."

Pushing him away, Junta said, "You don't have to always be so perfect."

"How mysterious you are. Just like all the stars in the sky."

"Like I told you, I'll be gone for a few days. Maybe even weeks."

"You want me to stop you?"

Throwing an angry look at him and then forgetting him altogether because of the message from Jenny, she didn't answer anything.

"I'm going to take a shower," Pravat said, kissing her forehead again.

It was only when the warm water covered his pale skin that he was able to cry softly. Only now could he become weak. And that weakness made him fall to his knees and feel a pain somewhere in his heart area. He was terrified of dying. Though at first he thought it wasn't so scary. But still he was afraid of becoming nothing, of becoming a part of nothingness. That fear took over every cell of his body. And maybe the fear was stronger even than the disease itself.

Sitting under the pressure of the water, he clenched his hands in his fists and screamed without a sound. But all he managed to do was to open his mouth wide and let bitter tears fall down.

It was a face of pain that took the man by surprise.

"Pravat, would you mind if Jenny came over tonight?" Junta's voice came through the noise of the water. Gaining the strength to change his weak voice, Pravat was able to say, "Sure."

Not wanting to talk about his condition, he still gathered his strength. Standing in front of the mirror, he looked at himself.

The pale colour of his face reminded him of a ghost he had seen in a film as a child. And it seemed to him that black circles had already formed around his eyes and the corners of his lips had become red, as if they were constantly bleeding.

Feeling fragile, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

Now, he had to play the role of a happy man. And he resolved to play that role until his death.

Putting on a smile again, he threw a dressing gown over himself and left the bathroom. Falling on the bed, he closed his eyes and decided to get some sleep. But sleep turned out to be a reward for which he still had to suffer.

And that suffering came in the form of a phone call.

"Yes. I'm listening."

"Pravat, are you home?"

"Yes. Why?"

"Listen, I urgently need that presentation on particles of light. But I can't find it on your computer."

"It's in a folder called Junta."

"Junta? There's no folder called Junta."

"You look it up."

"I need that presentation right away. I have a lecture in ten minutes."

"Why didn't you prepare in advance?"

"I forgot. I completely forgot. Since my father died, I've become completely distracted. I don't remember anything. Sometimes I think I'm losing my mind. Friend, help me."

"I told you, find the folder and there will be a presentation."

"There's no such folder."

"Just look for it."

"Are you asleep?"

"Yeah. I've got a headache."

"No, there really isn't a folder."

"Are you sure you're looking in my computer?"

"Well yes. Your password is your year of birth, isn't it? Yes, it's your computer."

"Did you find it?"

"Look, could you come and find me that presentation? Please. I'm already having a panic attack. Again! My hands are shaking and I think I'm going to lose my job today. And you know I'm just an exchange teacher. And I really want to stay here. Please help me."

"You want me to come to the university for the sake of finding a presentation that's probably in front of your nose?"

"Friend, please help me. I'm really lost."

"Are you crying? Jack?" Hearing strange noises, Pravat jumped out of bed and said, "I'll be right there. Wait for me. Can you hear me?"

Hearing no reply, he quickly put on his jeans and red shirt and forgetting about his wet hair altogether, he ran out of the house.

"Where are you going?"

"Jack, he's having another panic attack."

"He's so grown up and acting like a child," Junta said, still looking at her phone screen.

But Pravat didn't say anything. He was in too much of a hurry to start the engine sooner.

Forgetting his illness for a moment, within five minutes he was already on the campus, which was proudly alone among the trees and flowers.

Quickly finding himself amongst the students who were hurrying off somewhere, Pravat headed towards his office.

"Professor, good afternoon. How are you doing?" one of the students asked, but Pravat was in too much of a hurry to open the door and see his friend sooner.

Opening the door, he immediately locked it and seeing his friend sitting on the floor in front of him, he ran up to him and said, "I'm here. It's okay."

"It happened again. I thought all those sessions at the psychologist had helped me. I thought I was cured."

"It happens. Did you take your medication?"

"Yes."

"You need to rest."

Removing a strand of hair from his friend's face, Pravat poured him water and held the glass out to his face. Seeing what psychological trauma could do to a man, he was frightened by the fact that the man was too weak and the whole world was sometimes too cruel. Seeing the pale face of his friend, who was ready to cry at any moment, Pravat said, "Are you sure you can give this lecture? If you like, I can give it instead of you. No one will say anything. Everyone knows what you've been through. There's no harm in replacing you once."

"I came to this country over a year ago. And all I could do was be weak. I think if I keep being like this, I'll be forced to go back to the US."

"Go home. I'll give this lecture. Trust me, you won't have a problem."

Opening his blue eyes, Jack looked at his watch and shook his head.

"I can't go on living like this. If I'm going to be weak, I'm going to be weak forever. I need to live."

"Are you sure you can do the whole three hours in front of everyone?"

"Yes. It's my job, after all."

"There's your presentation. I told you that file is right in front of your nose."

"I must be losing my mind."

"Can you really give this lecture?"

"Yes. Don't worry."

"Do you want me to attend the lecture?"

"You're too kind as usual. Because of me, you had to come here. I see you were after a shower."

"That's all right."

Hugging him, Jack took a deep breath and said, "Thank you friend. Thank you for always being there for me."

What if I couldn't always be there for him? Pravat asked himself this mentally, but already determined not to tell anyone about his condition, he just smiled and said, "Come on."

All the students had already gathered in the auditorium by then. They filled their seats and looked ahead, waiting to learn something new. Or just to get some sleep. And when the two professors entered, everyone was quiet and pulled out their notebooks.

"Are you sure?" Pravat asked again. But Jack just went silently to the very centre and stood in front of the blackboard.

"The topic of today's lesson as everyone knows is about particles of light. That is, photons. I hope you all know what they are?" Jack began, while Pravat took a seat among the students.

Despite the fact that he was a popular professor, the students didn't pay any attention to him. Or maybe they just didn't notice him. So, he was able to sit more comfortably and close his eyes.

Jack's voice, with its slight accent was soothing and pulling him to sleep, so before he knew it, Pravat dropped his car keys and woke up only when he heard someone's voice.

Looking under his feet hoping to see his keys there, he looked again, but they were not there.

"And so, as we already know, light can be both a wave and a particle," Jack continued his lecture.

Hearing nothing, Pravat continued to look under his feet.

"Where are they?"

Kneeling down, he bent down and looked under the seat. But they weren't there either.

"Professor, have you lost something?" one of the students asked.

"Yes. Keys."

"Keys?"

"Professor?"

"Don't get distracted. Listen to the lecture," Pravat said and continued crawling on the floor.

On his knees, he continued to search under the seats and didn't care that he might look ridiculous.

"Professor are you looking for something?"

"What is it Professor?"

"Don't get distracted. I'll be leaving now," Pravat said and continued his search.

Finally, when the lights in the auditorium dimmed so that everyone could better see what was on the screen, he was able to bend down further.

"There are your keys!" someone suddenly exclaimed. "Professor!"

Quickly heading towards the very last seat, Pravat bent even lower and reaching under the seat, he finally pulled out his keys, which had magically fallen so that they were too far away from him.

Lifting his head and still on his knees, he put the keys in his pocket and when he looked up he suddenly noticed that his face was too close to someone else's lap.

When he raised his eyes even higher, he saw a young man looking at him with anger. In the darkness and in the spotlight, his eyes glittered as if he saw his worst enemy before him.

It was only when the light was on that Pravat could clearly see in front of whose lap he sat in such an awkward posture.

It was only when the light fell on Pravat's face that the young man said with a furrowed brow, "You again."

"Motorbike?" Pravat shouted loudly and immediately fell silent.