An unexpected encounter

Do you know that feeling, you just mindlessly browse the internet and suddenly see something you were not supposed to see? And whatever you've seen can't be unseen? It's easy to assume that everyone has our best intentions at heart, but we all have a dark side and secrets, even when we are too afraid to admit to ourselves.

Johanna was bored and scrolling through Facebook and memes. It was a rather quiet, chill period of the year before the great storm that was supposed to come in a few weeks when exams were supposed to start.

Between pics with happy couples smiling brighter than the sun and pictures with food and cats, all carefully curated to illustrate the uber perfect life people did not have, lost in pictures of people showing off on vacation and silly pics of pets showcased as if they were their owner's babies and every single cute thing their pet did was supposed to save the world and bring enlightenment and peace to people something caught Johanna's eye. Josh commented under a picture with two koala bears mating regarding a party where single people were supposed to go. A Kayla commented there: "So going." Josh replied in a comment: "Too bad that I have a girlfriend! I would love to attend this party." The girl then replied: "Awkward penguin will be an awkward penguin." Josh commented with an emoticon stretching its tongue out. Johanna felt her blood boiling in her head and anger flooded her body with a power unknown to her. She took a screenshot with shaking hands and sent him a picture of what she just saw.

She then sent a message to him in messenger asking for explanations:

Johanna: "Care to explain yourself? What is this supposed to mean?"

Josh saw her message but remained silent and hesitant for a few minutes.

Josh: "It's just a joke. Nothing to worry about. Don't even think about it."

Johanna: "I honestly don't know whether to believe you. Men don't do such jokes unless they have any intentions to act upon."

Josh: "Meh, they're just words. Just wanted to sound cool. I don't have my eyes set on anyone else except you."

Johanna: "Okay. I hope that you understand though that such comments are inappropriate. If you don't want a relationship with me or I'm bothering you, say so and we're done."

Josh: "It was just a harmless joke and I had no intention to upset or disrespect you. Sorry."

Johanna: "Okay, I'm glad we cleared that out. :P"

Josh: "How are you?"

Johanna: "I'm okay. Still enjoying the silence before the storm. In a couple of weeks, exams begin. How about you? "

Josh: "Kind of bad. I feel depressed lately."

Johanna: "Why? L"

Josh: "I don't feel like I have any friends, study feels like an uphill battle, one of the concerts I wanted to go to just got canceled…. I don't know…. Just generally feeling like I don't do much with my life and even if I wanted to reach a certain goal I will never reach it."

Johanna: 'So you don't feel good enough."

Josh: "Sort of."

Johanna: "I don't know if anyone truly feels good enough always. I think people fake it till they make it."

Josh: "I don't have the energy to even do that."

Johanna: "Hold on. Things will get better. I don't feel great every day about myself either. Some days are great and some suck."

Josh: "But when will things get better?! I keep waiting and waiting and trying and trying. Nothing changes. It just feels like I am stuck in a bad loop that won't end no matter what I choose to do or don't. It just feels like nothing doesn't truly matter, but somehow it does. And I keep telling myself that once I reach a goal I'll feel better about myself."

Johanna: "What happens next?"

Josh: "Nothing. That's the problem. I don't reach the goals I want. Or by the time I finally reach them I feel too exhausted to even celebrate or appreciate that I've made it there."

Johanna: "Hold on. Things will get better, promise. The fact that you're even trying considering everything that you've been through is a sign of strength."

Josh: "Yeah, sure. Things aren't going to change. I am going to be depressed for the rest of my life. Shrinks assured me of that. This is who I am. I'll have to live with my disgusting self for the rest of my life."

Johanna: "And you'd rather believe the words of some people who claim they're shrinks? I hope you do understand you are the architect of your thought and your life. You get to decide who you become. People can say what they want about us, but in the end, it's just words. They float by, just like the clouds in the sky. Only you get to decide who you are and who you are going to become. Not saying they aren't right about the fact that you are depressed, but just believing every word they say without challenging and fighting to create your own identity feels absurd to me. Only you know what you are capable of."

Josh: "It gets tiring when you go to doctors and they just put the same diagnosis over and over again to even dare to believe that something good may even come out of you when you tried and tried, but you get told that you'll always be the same and you won't be able to change. It feels so depressing. L"

Johanna: "I knowL"

Josh: "Also I am twenty and already feel very tired of life. That can't be good."

Johanna: "Maybe. But even though you've been through everything you've been through, you're still standing. You're a survivor."

Josh: "Maybe I'll believe you. Not sure how you always manage to be so positive..."

Johanna: "Not always… I have days and days :D"

Josh: "I'm hitting the sack now. I'm tired… Could not sleep well last night. Hug"

Johanna: "Hug"

Johanna ended the conversation. A lump suddenly appeared in her throat filling it with sadness. If only she could borrow her eyes, as bad as they were to him so he could see himself the way she saw him…