Life beats movies

Josh: "Hey, how are you?'

Nothing.

Josh: "Johanna, how are you doing?"

Nothing.

Josh: "Johannaaaaa, please answer!"

Johanna saw the messages in the messenger. However, at this point, something broke inside her. There were no memories of her prior life. In the first few days after she hit her head against the door, she felt detached from her life before this and was no longer able to identify with the person she used to be or any of her memories, good or bad before this. Worst of all, she could not talk to anyone about this. And especially not to him. She felt ashamed of this and had no idea how to handle it or what it was. The only good part was she could not remember anything sad that happened prior to this and she felt therefore free. At the same time, a big question hit her: "Who is she if she doesn't remember who she is?" Moreover, she did not feel sad or happy. She felt just numb.

She was emotionally exhausted and sick of feeling like she always has to be strong. Feeling like she always had to put others first and be there for them, no matter what. At this point, she was barely able to be there for herself. Sometimes, her life felt like a hat way too weighty to wear. At times, her life felt manageable, but other times the contracts she had with the universe since she was born felt heavier than what she thought was able to carry. On top of that, she could barely remember any memories of Josh and no matter how much she tried she hit an impenetrable wall and most of her memories could not be retrieved. She felt like a burden and a weirdo. She could not fit in earlier, but now even the semi-identity she thought she had disappeared far away, not knowing who she was or what she was supposed to do on this earth. For some unexplainable reason, she felt like a burden and a shell of herself. Josh messaged her on messenger:

Josh: "Hey, how are you?"

Johanna: "I am good. How about you?"

Josh: "I am ok myself. Been to the movies today and saw a great one. Sorry. I have to go. Bye.

And the short conversations where Johanna would talk with Josh and then he would disappear shortly after repeated themselves, followed by an unfriend on Facebook. And then he appeared again.

Johanna: "What was the unfriending about?" Johanna confronted him.

Josh. "Nothing. Things just seem awkward and unsure between us. And I did not want to make them more awkward than that."

Johanna: "Aha. Hm…"

Josh: "What?"

Johanna: "Nothing. It just seems like you don't want to stay, nor go."

Josh: "The whole staying friends with someone after a breakup isn't as easy as I imagined."

Johanna: "I don't know either if I want or can stay just friends with you after we've been together. It feels off. It doesn't feel like I can be the friend you deserve."

Another month went by and Johanna gave her best to focus on her life, but everything regarding her memory loss just felt worse. The truth is she wanted to scream, as she could no longer bear the pain of losing her identity and memory. But she could not confide in the one person she trusted and was most close to. No, her mental well-being was not his responsibility. And he had enough issues on his plate. She didn't want to be a burden to him.

A few messages popped up from Josh:

Josh: "Hey, how are you?"

Johanna: "I am ok. How about you?"

Josh: "I am fine. Listening to some music."

Johanna: "Can I be honest with you?"

Josh: "About what?" he anxiously asked as he saw her typing.

Johanna: "I don't know if I still love you anymore. For some reason, I can't remember any common memories. I am currently trying my best, but it simply doesn't work. I hope you will find a smart and beautiful girl like you deserve, and I wish you the very best."

Josh: "So that means we stay friends, right? :P"

Johanna did not answer this question. They completely stopped talking. However, she did not unfriend or delete him from her social media friends. As the month passed by and Johanna could not find the inner strength to talk again to him, answer the message or let him in with what was going on with her, Josh blocked her on Facebook.

A month later, as she was sitting on a chair and looking outside of the window, with her mind completely emptied thinking about nothing it finally hit her: all the memories flashed in front of her eyes like a great, but forgotten romance movie covered by dust insisting to be urgently acknowledged. She felt horrible for the way things ended between them and the fact that she was so preoccupied with fear and shame and did not explain more about what she was going through and the fact that she chose to push him away. Something needed to be done. After all, he could have as well told her: "Leave me alone! Don't bother me again!" But it was worth a try and no matter what he would say, she tried her best and would not have the regret of leaving things unfinished. But, who would she message? He blocked her on Facebook, so that was out of the question. She sent a message through his dad on Skype: "Hey, I am sorry regarding all that happened. Can we please just talk?" She waited. A few moments, hours. Nothing.

Johanna tried to send him Christmas wishes through email, but again no answer. She sent him again via email the same message she sent earlier through his dad. And then an answer finally arrived. Her heart was beating, butterflies flew through her stomach and a glimpse of hope shyly reared its head from the place it's been hiding for so long: "I thought I was quite clear I would never talk to you again. I don't need you in my life anymore. Don't bother me again. Every message from this point on will be ignored." Johanna just stared silently at the screen. Was this the same person she used to date and who used to be so fond of her? Or just some stranger she thought she used to know? And, just like that, in a snippet of a moment, yet also gradually years of what she thought represented love and friendship chipped, until it completely disappeared leaving a bunch of questions including if anything was real at all, or life was just a prank as nothing made sense at all anymore.