XV (Part III)

Harris is just kneeling there, crying while he's looking at the grave of his childhood best friend. He's silent but his shoulders are shaking. He reaches down as if he's hugging Melvin, but only, the earth separates them two.

I keep my mouth shut while I let Harris cry to the realization of him losing his best friend. No one else knows but him the frustration of actually losing an important person from his life. I feel the side of my chest tighten on what I am witnessing. The denial, the frustration, the unbelief that he must be feeling is slowly eating him right now. He must be repressing all this skepticism during our quest to freedom earlier. Holding on to the hope that Steven, Stacey, and I have been lying all along. But alas! We can no longer deny it. The proof of Melvin's death lies in front of us now. His childhood best friend is really dead.

I put one of my hands on the top of his shoulder to affirm to him that right now, he is not alone.

That Steven and I are with him.

And everything will be okay - which I know might be a lie because we are in this seemingly endless nightmare and I do not know how we can escape, or how we will die. We do not know if there are any future waiting for us.

I look at the succeeding pile next to it, knowing that my mom's body might be there lying down this line somewhere, but also hoping that it is empty. I admit that I am still hoping that it is void of any decomposing body. Although I know that it is possible that we'll find it the other way around.

I sigh.

"I'm sorry for not being there earlier, mate," Harris' deep and masculine voice softens and a hint of shaking can be heard from it, too. "I should have returned with Amy when she went back to the Iodestone. Things would have been a lot more different."

He exhales sharply as he says the next words, "We didn't even have a proper goodbye."

I rub my hands on his arms as I give him a half embrace. In this tough time in his life, he will need someone who he can lean on, and I... I will be that person for him. I choose to be the person who will be his source of strength during times like this because...

I know he has done this for me.

I feel a warm hand slowly creep out to mine and Harris squeezes it lightly. I can't see his face properly in this dim pool-lit room but I can sense a shadow of a smile form on his lips.

Then it strikes me... I want us to survive this place. Together.

I want to see him in the real world.

I don't know if he can properly see my face but I can feel his eyes fixated on my silhouette as I hear him whisper, "Thank you."

"Are you feeling a lot better now?"

I find him nod in this shadow. He stands up and pats on his pants to remove the dust from them while never letting go of my hand.

"Let's go find your Mother's," he says while he caresses my face using his free hand. "Don't think about it too much. Whatever happens, I'm here with you."

What is he thinking? He just found out that his best friend is really dead. What holds him together?

"I know what it feels like to lose someone important so... you can cry all you want. I'll protect your pieces while you crumble and, I'll help you pick up yourself later on."

"Why are you being like this?" I ask him while we start walking, following the piles on the ground. "You have all the right to grieve but why are you pretending that everything is okay when it is not?"

"I'm not okay," I hear him say, "I never said that I am. If you're not here with me, I honestly would not know what to do. I would have fallen apart if I'm not with you."

"What?"

We pause in front of an empty grave.

Laveau, Harris (2021)

"This empty grave proves that I am alive and that I have the chance to survive this," he firmly holds my left hand, the one he has been holding to. Assuring me with an unspoken promise for a hope that he sees for the two of us. "I'm going to do everything so that we can successfully leave this place, together."

"I want to believe that," I say. "I want to believe you."

I feel his hand pull me closer towards him and although I can't properly see his face, I feel his breath near me. He puts it on his shoulder as one of his hands reaches the curve on my back. His warm breath is clean and void of any smell maybe because we have not consumed any liquor for the last few hours. I feel it on the tip of my nose. I feel it on the side of my cheek until, eventually, I instinctively close my eyes as I feel his lips touch mine to share a very soft kiss.

I hear no fireworks going out. There has been no heart-thumping excitement in this kiss. But it is warm. Something that I can compare to the first sip of a freshly brewed coffee in the radiant morning light. It is soothing. He is calm. We are the comfort in this madness. Us is our own safe space.

I immediately open my eyes as the truth dawns on me. Harris... and I.

I like him. And I have been denying it all along.

He pulls away from me and he reaches out to hold my hands again, "Let's continue walking. We have to find out what happened to your mom."

I feel the heaviness with every step we take. I feel my body turning cold as my heart beats so loudly out of the nervousness that I feel within my skin. I am scared of what I might find out when I reach my grave. Steven and Harris have been so brave to face the deaths of their loved ones while I...

I'm scared to face this.

I remember my mom's smiling face that moment I have gone back here to Viemonte. That day when she has waited for me outside the bus terminal. Her skin radiates in that setting sun as she opens her arms wide to give me a welcoming embrace.

I remember how she makes me breakfast in our humble home and the smell of freshly baked bread takes over our entire house which wakes me up from my deepest slumber. If I can go back to that moment in time, I will tell her how I love the food that she makes. I will tell her that everything has been my favorite.

And I... I remember her pained expression that moment she has found me all curl up on the passenger seat after we have spent the whole day together, doing the stuff we can't do while I have been away for 8 years. I am willing to give everything just to go back to that moment and change how we should have ended our day. Things could have been a lot more different. We wouldn't have felt the need to come here.

Then when I will be waking up from my sleep later, I find myself in my room, and I will find her in the kitchen wearing her strawberry printed white apron. I'd give everything just to have her back. I'd give everything to wake up from this nightmare.

I feel my eyes tear up as memories start flooding inside me as we got nearer and nearer to my mom's possible gravesite. Oh, how I wish my mom is not there. Oh, how I wish she has escaped. Oh, how I wish that I will not find her name here. Oh, how I wish that we have not gone here inside The Passion House in the first place.

But all of these are just my wishes, my hope for a reality that will never exist. As we reach a soil-filled grave dedicated to her, I have come to realize that I have lost her forever.

Oh, how I wish that all of these are just actual illusions that have no corresponding consequences. Oh, how I wish this has no effect in the real world. Oh, how I wish that this isn't true. This is funny because this is not but if what the souls have said earlier is true, then these deaths are as real as what the whole world knows. I exhale as I feel Harris's arms support me on my shoulder, keeping myself from falling down. My legs wobble as I feel my whole body shake in grief.

Meyer, Amelia (2021)

My mom

And beside her lies, an empty grave meant for me.