XV (Part IV)

I have already seen this coming, this scenario of her, being dead. I know that I have been preparing myself for this since that moment I stand inside the black and empty-like casino yet...

It feels so different experiencing it in actual reality. It feels too different if it lies in front of your eyes.

I have thought that I am ready, this scenario has been playing in my head during the whole night. I have been holding on to that tiny rope of hope of a possibility that my beloved mother is still alive but I realize...

No one is actually ready when he or she witnesses a sudden loss of a loved one. Her life has been my driving force. It is what keeps me running towards my safety. It is what keeps me alive until this moment but... It has been crushed now... big time.

Seeing her grave before me. In this reality or not, I realize that I am not ready, and I have never once and ever been ready for the death of my mom.

"You can mourn," I hear Harris beside me.

I know that I do.

"Mom," for a moment, the empty grave beside hers has become tempting.

Memories start to flood inside my mind.

That moment when she has given me my first bouquet of sunflowers the moment I have graduated with my college degree 2 years ago, I have known that she has been so proud of me;

And that time my first book got sold out in the country 5 years ago, I have known that she has been so proud of me when she has appeared on my first official fan-signing event while pretending to be an unnamed fan of mine for having the courage to follow my dreams although some doesn't say it will not work because the life of being a writer is rather unconventional;

And that moment back when I have been a child- around 3 years old, maybe- I see her in my memory, hugging me while telling me bedtime stories. I miss her comfort and how she caresses my hair every time I have a tough day.

If the ghosts are really being true then...

Just like that, the realization dawns on me crumbling all my defenses. My hope is now lying buried in front of me. I no longer have something to live for.

I can always rest on that empty grave beside her. I can always choose to die instead-

Andrew

What about Andrew?

My little brother. He's waiting for me back there.

And just like a cold bucket of water thrown on me, that realization dawns on me like a slight kick on my side. It is like I feel my mom's spirit whispers to me to remind me that I can't die yet. That someone has to go back to the real world. I see a new orb of a faint blue light lighten in front of me.

I'm the only person he has now.

I'm the only one he got.

And just like a switch, I gain my composure to this sudden enlightenment.

I should not die yet. This has been my reason all along, too.

"Mom, I'll take care of Andrew. I promise." I tell her on her grave.

I suddenly feel something shift inside of me like a rush of adrenaline conquer my entire being and looks at the man who is currently holding me up and keeping me in place, Harris.

I have to think of a way to get ourselves out of here.

I shift on my feet, "I'm okay now, Harris. Thank you." I say. I feel his gaze on me, too, in this dim deep blue pool ceiling-lit room. I really can't see his eyes nor his face but for some reason, I feel his gentle grip on both of my arms loosen.

If I am the writer of my life, how should I write my escape plan in this seemingly clueless labyrinth?

"Are you okay now?" I hear Harris ask me surprised for some reason.

"Yes," I tell him. "Let's go back to Steven now." I reach out to his hand and pull him, following our tracks earlier, following the grave piles on the ground. I don't feel his protest so I figure that this is okay. I hold it firm. I don't want to let go of him now. He just follows me like a puppy who is being obedient to its owner.

"I did not expect your reaction," his deep playful voice softly rings in this massive graveyard.

"What do you mean?"

"I thought that you would cry your heart out, but you just stood there after you said 'Mom'. What's going on?"

"oh, actually, I thought of dying for a moment but..."

"So you planned on leaving Steven and me, here?"

"Yes, that empty grave seems so tempting, but... I remembered Andrew." I say. "If I am going to die here, no one is going to see him finish his degree."

"How old is he?"

"17, but he's already in his last year of Electric Communication Engineering. He will be graduating next month," I pause, "Also, losing our lives here is a very lame way to die. I want to die old-haired and delicate-skinned."

"Oh," I hear him whisper.

"Also. I want to try to solve this seemingly endless puzzle. I want to find out how we can leave this place."

"But what if we die here before we can leave?"

"I am so tired of running away, Harris." I exhale. "I want to face this fear and prove that I am still the one who has the final say in my life. Not some unseen beast that takes the lives of all the people it touches." I suddenly halt in my tracks and face the man behind me. "Will you...

Will you promise me that we will leave this place together?"

It was quite a pause when he grips my hand tighter and starts to walk before me, dragging me along with him.

"Dummy, that has been my plan all along," I hear him say. I feel my face flush with excitement as I can't stop the sides of my lips from rising up.

Amy, this is not the right time for this. You should get out from here and personally ask him to be your boyfriend in real life, I tell myself while watching the silhouette of the man walking before me. His messy hair, his wide shoulders, down to his long and candle-like fingers. I realize that he actually looks like a kpop idol with his stature and build. I realize that I only know too little about him.

"Harris?"

"Yes?"

"Are you a Korean?"

"Hmm, my great grandfather is but I was born and grew up here in Viewmonte."

I shake my head to temporarily distract myself from fantasizing about Harris.

"Why haven't I seen you anywhere before?"

"I only met you because of your books, too. If you did not write, our paths wouldn't have crossed."

Right. It makes sense.

"That is why I will always be thankful to God because He has pushed you to write, Amy."

Oh right, I have started writing back when I have been 15 years old and I have literally seen a story in my dreams about dragons and palaces. When I have written it the next day and let my high school literature teacher read it, she has then told me that I have potential in this path. Since then, she has helped me improve my writing style. Without her, I wouldn't have pursued my passion and...

Although it has been shitty for the last few weeks, I wouldn't have met these awesome people if not because of her. I owe her my career but she already migrated to France four years ago and hasn't visited or contacted me again once.

Is she proud of me?

She might have been proud of the successful writer Ariah Mouisse but not to the runaway Amy Meyer.

We keep on walking toward the spot where we have left Steven earlier so he can rest.

Amy, focus on finding Steven so the three of you can finally come up with a proper plan.

It seems like, for some reason, the way back feels farther than the path we have treaded on earlier. It still weirds me out that this place is so close to reality yet so different to it, too. I can see the shadows on the moving soft waves of the empty pool. If we are in a more different situation, I will say that this is one of the most amazing places in this hotel. I can see myself resting while lying on the ground and looking up at the majestic pool above.

I might have gone too distracted that I literally jumped away when I hear Harris say, "We're here!"

I hear him laugh so hard he lets go of my hand while clutching his stomach. "Don't be so surprised, Amy."

"Who wouldn't be, Harris? This place is already giving me the chills due to the dead bodies and to the silence then suddenly, you will exclaim, 'We're here!" I punch his shoulder lightly while he keeps on laughing nonstop.

"I was hoping to wake Steven in case he is sleeping," he tries to mutter while he is trying to compose himself.

I stand still as I try to make out the situation because, at that moment, Steven is not there.

"What do you mean? Steven is not here, Harris."

"But our things are here, Amy," Harris reaches out to Steven's belt bag on the ground.

I try to look around to find steven but he is not there. Where can he be?