A g o n y

JULIA'S POV-

Every time I turned a corner, I hoped I bumped into him, didn't matter where - I was just always hoping I get to see him even if it was only for a few seconds. Then why did seeing him unexpectedly hurt me so much?

I opened the bedroom door and tripped on the carpet and fell face first on the bed.

Yes, I was trying to forget him, but in the same time I was also waiting for him to come back. That's why it hurt.

I buried my head in the pillows, crying my heart out. I didn't know why it hurt so much when I already knew he was over me. I cried and cried and cried.

Everything I'd ever done in my life was wrong.

I turned on my back staring at the ceiling and I put a hand in my mouth as to not make noise. It hurt a thousand times more when I heard myself cry. My tears ran into my pillows as I thought about everything that made me cry. I put a hand on my stomach because it hurt.

All those times he held my hand, kissed me, everything was gone. The seven years that we spent together was gone. He was not mine anymore. Right then, I felt like a fool. I knew from the beginning that I would lose him some day, yet I loved him. Loved him so much that I gave him the power to destroy me.

I let all the sadness consume me. I remembered clear as water the day he left me as if it were yesterday.

"I am so sorry, Jules." he had said. "I... We can't continue this anymore. I have to leave."

I hadn't said anything in reply because I knew it was going to happen. I had seen the symptoms, I knew he was distancing himself from me. I knew it was my fault.

I knew something was wrong when he watched me cry inconsolably, over something he had done and he didn't even flinch. He didn't even attempt to apologize. Nor was he remorseful.

"I know it's my fault." I paused. "I'm so sorry."

"No, I... I... Jules I..." He looked everywhere but at me. "Remember Veronica? I was off to her place all this time."

He didn't need tell me anymore. I knew I was shutting myself off all this time. After Dad died in a car accident, my mom overdosed to drugs. Then my sister left with her boyfriend, since that day I had not heard from her.

"I'm tired of sitting around waiting for you to figure out if u fucking want me or not, so I made a decision and I..." he continued. "I'm sorry, but I don't think I love you anymore."

I blankly stared at him, my mind couldn't process what was happening. So many shocks at once. I thought he would stay, of all people. I hoped no matter what happened - he would still love me.

But expectation is what kills.

He pushed me away when I didn't want to be away from him. That's what broke my heart.

"Everyday you would come home looking like you've been in a car accident," I had flinched at the words he had chosen. "You wouldn't talk to me, you won't tell me what's going on, and I don't think even if you tell me I would have understood but... distancing never helps." he kept on. "I don't think we would ever make it anywhere in this condition. I have given up on you... It's been six damn months and you haven't spoken rationally for one single time."

I nodded and he took a deep breath.

"I lost interes,." He said. "I stayed by your side long after I knew I wasn't supposed to be there anymore... and for that, I take responsibility."

He was always brutally honest. How much I loved this honesty... only it weren't what I wanted to hear at that moment. I wanted to hear him say he loved me and he would no matter what.

"Veronica gave me what you couldn't and I think I'm going to build a relationship with her." He had then finally looked at me directly, and whatever he saw there in my eyes made him flinch. "I fucked up. I know I fucked up, too. You're sorry, I get it. But it's mostly me. I made mistakes, too. If now I leave her and stay with you I am doing the same thing I did with you. I won't be able to love you or her and would ruin both of your lives including my own."

"I guess this is where it ends for both of us." He stepped forward, and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. "I can't give you what you deserve, I'm sorry."

"I'm the one who's sorry, Alex." I had muttered. "I just needed some time but I guess that was too much to ask from you. Only six months and you ran off to another girl. I saw and heard everything you did. You ignored my texts, you ignored my calls, you refused to comfort me when I needed you. I had lost you a long time back. "

"I'm sorry I couldn't talk to you about my pain because we both knew you wouldn't understand." I had refused to cry though tears forced their way down my cheeks. "I'm sorry I asked you to wait when I knew you wouldn't."

He had kept quiet and a heavy silence had then filled the night.

"I think it's time I let you go. But that's hard to do because some part of me will always be in love with you for the rest of my life." He had turned away by then. "I tried but I'm not the one for you."

I stood up, and opened my cupboard with tears blurring my vision.

I didn't need a life where he wasn't around.

He left me when I needed him the most. I needed him to stay by me, help me through the darkest time of my life. But then again, all his promises of staying by me were false. If they weren't then he would've been here today. If he truly loved me, he would've stayed and waited. He would've tried to understand even if he knew he wouldn't.

It was all my fault.

I was the one who pushed him into the arms of another woman.

If he stayed, if I had enough energy to hold him back, I would have been a happier person. I would've sang and danced in the shower instead of sitting on the floor with my head buried in my knees and crying. I would've looked forward to something when I woke up in the morning instead of feeling the usual depression. I would have had something to live for.

I hunted around in the cupboard until found what I was searching for.

Blade.

I walked over to the washroom and sat down in the bath tub wearing all my clothes. My eyes met another pair in the mirror and those eyes were swollen, bloodshot. Hair a mess, tears soaking the front of the dress, and leaving trails in my cheeks.

I turned on the water and waited in the tub till it filled up. I started cutting from my legs and watched as the blood flowed out, making the water of the tub red. Then I slowly made my way up with the blade, all the while leaving a red mark on my skin as the places where the tip touched, blood continued to flow out.

I'm so sorry Maria. I couldn't be what you wanted me to be.

The pain was excruciating. But it didn't hurt as much as before. I was getting used to pain. I closed my eyes and made the final gash.

I'd never regret meeting him, and deep in my heart I knew that. I'll never regret the feeling his simple presence brought to me, or how I was constantly yearning to talk to him. I'll never regret the way he looked at me or held my hand all those times I was too sad to speak and we just sat in silence. He was the best mistake I've ever made. All the tears I shed, all the pain I put myself through - they weren't bringing him back but for him, all was worth it. I loved him, and would continue to love him no matter what happened.

I'm so sorry I screwed up, Alex.