14. The past

Ed took a few calming breaths and then finally knocked on the old wooden door, that someone must have painted over since his last visit because he clearly remembered it always having a nasty green color instead of the now sky blue.

He nervously fumbled around with the car keys in his pocket while waiting for someone to answer the door. It took what felt like hours before the door finally got opened and Ed was greeted by a blond, slightly chubby teenage boy that looked awfully a lot like a younger version of himself.

They both said hello to each other but then they both fell silent because neither of them really knew what to say, after all it had been quite a long time since they had last see each other and even then they hadn't really interacted that much. Ed wasn't even sure if the kid even really remembered who he was.

Ed nervously scratched his stubbley chin and then aske, "Is your mom home?"

The boy nodded and then yelled, "MOM!" Before he turned around and rushed up the old wooden staircase that Ed himself had walked up and down so many times. He noticed that there was even still the baluster missing from when he had gotten his head stuck and his father had to saw it off to get him out.

A cold shiver run down his spine when he remembered the beating he had gotten afterwards. Ed sighed and shook his head.

"He is dead. Stop thinking about it." He scolded himself while stepping over the threshold of his childhood home.

He closed the door and just a moment later his sister popped out of the kitchen.

She had visibly age since the last time he had seen her. Her dirty blood hair had gotten streaks of gray in it now and her once sparkly blue eyes looked tired and listless.

"Edgar what are you doing here?" She asked while wiping off her hands on the floral apron she was wearing.

Ed cleared his throat and nonchalantly replied, "I was in the area so I thought I come visit you. Can't I visit you guys?"

He had tried to sound as casual about it as possible but when she tilted her head and squinted her eyes he knew she could still see stright through his lies.

"Well I... I thought..." He helplessly stummelte and tried to come up with an explanation why he had come back even though he had sworn almost ten years ago that he would rather kill himself then to ever step a another foot in to the small farmhouse.

But before he was able to come up with anything Anna already had stepped forward and wrapped her arms around him. For a moment Ed was to overwhelmed by her gesture but then he sighed and put his arm around her shoulder.

He genuinely had thought she would be angry with him or even hate him for leaving her to take care of there mother on her own but instead she just seemed glad to see him again.

After a moment she took a step back and looked up at him.

"Edgar. This is your home just as much as it's mine. You don't need to come up with excuses to come here. I'm just happy you finally decided to come home." Her words held so much warmth and love but Ed still couldn't keep away the feeling of dread when she referred to this place as his home.

This is not my home and it never has been! Ed thought but he manged in the last second to bite his tongue and to swallow the words down.

He instead nodded in response to what she had said while reminding himself that she was last person that deserved his anger and that she had suffered under there parents just as much as he had.

"Anyways. Would you like to eat something? Dinner is almost ready." Anna cheerfully said and fist bumped his shoulder playfully.

Ed's stomach felt heavy when he remembered what his sister considered 'food'. She definitely did not inherited their mother's cooking skills. He still remembered the one time when he had come back from one of his many military deployments and she had tried to cook his favorite meal because their mother's dementia had gotten even worse while he was gone. Ed had forced the food down in order not to make her feel bad but the next day he seriously regretted it because it had given him such a bad case of food poisoning that he hadn't been able to leave the bathroom for almost four days.

"Uhm I... already ate." Ed tried to convince her but his growling stomach betrayed him, making Anna laugh and then reassuringly say, "Don't worry I gotten better at cooking."

But Ed just rolled his eyes. Even if she had gotten better at it that still didn't mean it was edible.  

She once again hit his arm and said with a chuckle, "Oh hush! You'll eat what you're given." She then went back into the kitchen.

Ed breathed a sigh of relief when he followed her and saw that the kitchen had been completely renovated. He didn't think he could have been comfortable if it still had looked like back in the days, there were just too many bad memories connected with this place but at least it looking less like how it use to be helped a little bit to keep the ghost  that haunted him a bit more quiet.

"By the way where is Daniel?" He asked his sister as he sat down on a kitchen chair. Anna, who was stirring in a pot hesitated for a moment but then she sighed and replied, "I don't know. We... we are getting a divorce."

Ed's brotherly instincts emidietley kicked in. He clenched his fists and then hissed through his teeth, "Did he do something? Because if he did then...!"

Before he could list off all the things he would do to the slimy asshole that had married his big sister she interrupted him."It's not like that Edgar. We just... it just didn't work out." She said while looking out the window.

Ed couldn't believe what he heard. It was always the same with her. She had already been married three times before marrying Daniel and every times she had said the exact same excuse when he had asked why she was getting divorced even though the real reason why it never 'work out' was that her husband's were sleazy dirtbags that either cheated on her as soon as they got bored of her or took off as soon as they had burned through all the money she had.

Ed shook his head. He just couldn't understand why she never learned from her mistakes. Why would she fall in love over and over again just to get hurt again. "Anna why are you defending him?"

She turned towards him and stared daggers at him. "I'm not defending him! It just didn't work out, okay?!" Anna snapped back, reminding Ed of their mother. She also always had

Sounded the same when she got confronted with her husband's infidelity.

"You sound like mom." Ed mumbled and emidietley regretted it but before he was able to take it back his sister was already fuming with anger.

"Oh really?! What the fuck do you know?! You don't even know what it feels to be in love someone because you are to fucking afraid to ever let anybody in! "

"That's not true!" Ed fired back even though she was right.

He knew very well that the reason why all his previous relationships had failed were that he constantly had kept up his walls and his emotions bottled up just because he was to afraid to get hurt when inevitably ended.

Before Ed could further dwell on his former relationships and how he fucked them up Anna yelled, "Oh yeah?! Then name me a single person that you ever truly loved!"

Ed opened his mouth but when only one name came to his mind he closed it again.

He didn't understood why of all the people he had dated only Alex came to his mind when it came to truly loving someone. The past few days he had often wondered if it was even really a romantic love he felt toward the little guy.

Didn't it require more then they currently had to really call it love? Ed wondered.

Sure they had gotten to know each other over last few months or rather he had gotten to know the kid because unlike him the boy could talk like a waterfall but there was still so much he didn't know. So many things he wanted to ask but didn't dare in fear that Alex could ask him those questions back.

Ed sighed and lowered his head. "His name is Alex. He is kinda the reason why I'm here. I need your help." He admitted and could feel a lump forming in his throat.

"Because I just don't know what to do. I think I love him but I..." He shook his head unable to talk more.

After a moment he felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up. He saw Anna's blurry face. Quickly he wiped away the tears that were about to fall from his eyes and then said weakly "Anna, I'm sorry. I didn't mean..."

She nodded and sat down on the chair across from him.

"I know. Me too." She sighed and then both feel silent but after a few minutes Anna asked something Ed had hoped she didn't noticed.

"So you are gay?"

Ed nervously shifted around on his chair, not entirely sure where his sister stood on the hole excepting other sexualities but now that he had basically outed himself already there wasn't really a turning back.

"Uhm no. I mean I still like woman, it's just I don't know he is just so... different?" He managed to get out while avoiding Anna's eye contact.

"Uuuh somebody got a crush." She playfully teased making a wave of relief wash over Ed.

With a slightly more serious tone she then added, "Tell me about him."

"Uhm...what about dinner?" He tried to argue but Anna emidietley saw through what he was trying to do and replied with a grin,"I just order some pizza's and now stop avoiding the question. I wanna hear all about the guy."