15. Love

"Hey mama, what is love?" Alex asked his mother while continuing to poke around in his pasta.

"Bullshit that's what it is." She replied in between bites, making Alex sigh in frustration.

It wasn't like he had expected her to give a nice, flowery answer, that wouldn't have made much sense considering of how her own love life was going or rather the lack of it ever since her divorce but he at least thought she would have something more useful to say about it.

He layed down his fork and leaned back in the old wooden chair that they had bought at the flea market. "I'm being serious Mama, how do you know if you love someone?"

Just a few days ago he had been so sure of his feelings towards Ed but after having talked with Wilhelm about the big, grumpy bear he had realized that he barely knew anything about him.

There was also this question Wilhelm had asked him, that just wouldn't leave him alone.

How do you know that you really love Ed? He had asked Alex, leaving the boy lost for words.

Before that he had thought that such a question was easy to answer but in reality it wasn't so simple.

He had just assumed that what he felt was love but with never having been really in love before his understanding of it seemed very limited and somewhat idealized. That's why he had hoped his mother could maybe give him at least some advice on the topic even though he knew had to take what she said with a grain of salt.

"What's his favorite dish?" His mother suddenly asked drawing his attention back to her. Alex fidgeted with his sleeves and then hesitantly replied, "I don't... wait did you say 'his'?"

He had only realized midd sentence that his mother had referred to his love interest as 'his' instead of 'her'.

Alex was dumbfounded by it, he hadn't come out to her yet and hadn't even planned to do so, at least not until he lived on his own because from what she had told him over the years he knew that she had grown up in a very conservative and extremely religious part of Russia and still held quite a lot of those opinions, that's why he had feared her reaction towards him coming out.

She raised an eyebrow and tilted her head. "What am I wrong about it being about a guy?" She questioned, her voice holding a slightly annoyed undertone but to Alex's surprise he couldn't hear even the slightest bit disgust or hate in it.

He shook his head and quickly took a few gulps from his glass. The sudden surprise that his mother knew about his sexuality had made his throat go dry and his brain lag behind.

"What has his favorite dish to do with anything?" He asked after a moment, hoping to change the attention back to the topic of love instead of his sexuality, because even if she seemed okay with it for the moment he still just didn't want to risk that she would change her aditude towards it, like she so often did with other things.

"A lot." She stated and then added impatiently, "What's his biggest flaw?"

Alex blankly stared at her and desperately tried to come up with something.

Sure there where a few things that annoyed him about Ed, like his smoking, him being not much of a talker or his unwillingness to show his emotions but those weren't really flaws in Alex eyes, they were just part of who Ed was, just like his brutal honesty and his nervous lip biting when ever he got flustered.

Oh how much he loved those little quirks Ed showed when he felt like his back was up against the wall. The big guy probably didn't even noticed it himself and thought he had an unreadable stone faced facade but for Alex it was so easy to read his little habits, making it so much easier for him to figure out what Ed was really thinking even though he was often saying the opposite.

The clicking of his mothers long, fake nails on the kitchen table made him snap out of his day dreaming.

Alex swallowed hard and awkwardly shifted around on his chair. He was still unsure what to answer but seeing that his mother was starting to get impatient he had no other chance then to come up with something on the fly.

"Uh well... I... hmm... maybe it's..." he stuttered but before he could finish his sentence she interrupted him and harshly stated that it wasn't love.

He was taken aback by her statement.

How could she known that what he felt wasn't love or at least something similar to that just from those stupid questions? He wondered. After a short consideration he voiced his thoughts amd aske how exactly she knew that it wasn't love.

Even though he had tried to sound as casual as possible his voice still held a slightly snarky undertone. Ofcourse she had emidietley noticed it and threw him a 'watch you tone!' look, that he knew all to well to take serious.

He lowered his head in submission. It took a moment but then she seemed satisfied by his response and finally answered his question, "Because if it were you would know the answers."

"But what if he doesn't have flaws?" He hesitantly replied, hoping to somewhat change her minde and to take his feelings more seriously but she just chuckled and lifted up her wine glass. "Everyone has flaws, Alexey." She replied and took a sip from the dark red liquid. After putting the glass back down she then explained further that apparently loveing someone meant to know the other persons flaws and to stay with them despite there short comings.

Alex thought about it for a moment but something about his mother's explanation just didn't sit right with him.

He shook his head and then grumbled just loud enough for her to hear, "That doesn't sound like love. It sounds more like the recipe for a toxic relationship."

His statement seemingly hit his mother off guard because for a moment he could see worry and even a hint of sadness in her eyes but then she switched on her defensive mode and all that vulnerability was locked away again.

"Oh really?!" She snarled back, her tone making it clear to Alex that he once again he had over stepped a line that he shouldn't have.

He took in a sharp breath and forced his brain to focus on defusing the situation and to not set off another landmine.

"Well... I mean I'm not sure but..." Alex tried to explain but she wouldn't even let him finish his sentence and instead yelled, "Love isn't this lovey-dovey bullshit you see on TV, Alexey! Love is fucking ungrateful and nasty and if you don't like it then don't fucking get into a relationship!"

She snatched her glass and downed the rest of her wine. Then she took her dinner plate, stood up and threw the rest of the food in the garbage. With a loud clang the pate hit the sink making Alex flinch and shrink in his chair.

She leaned on the counter for a moment and pinched the bridge of her nose.

With a tired sigh she then said, "Now stop asking stupid questions and eat your dinner, you still have homework to do."

She grabbed the opened wine bottle, threw one last glare towards him and then left the kitchen.

"Fucking bitch." Alex mumbled under his breath whipped away a stray tear from his cheek, took his own plate and threw away the food. After he had cleaned the dishes he went to his room and layed down on his bed.

"Love is fucking confusing." He grumbled and put in his earphones to drown out his mothers crying noises for the other room.