Chapter 30

KOUSUKE

"Sorry Kousuke but I want to know what the hell did you two talk about that night. Care to tell me now? Are you going to kill our squad huh?!" he roared and Kazehaya immediately run into us.

"Ax! Calm down, please calm yourself down. The portal is shrinking again, it comes near us. Let Kousuke explain his side," Kazehaya voiced out and Kyoya just stand there.

Axel slowly released me and sighed. He calmed himself and I see his eyes go red. He was mad.

"Talk!"

I looked at Axel, and he looks pissed, but in this game it is okay to be targeted besides we are fighting here in the game. What will you expect? But at the same time, I kinda have this feeling that it was odd. Ryuzaki might have a reason before that, but what if I didn't miss that? And why does Minato space out?

"We only have thirty minutes before the shrinking start again, Kousuke. Talk now," Axel stated, and I nodded. I should tell him the truth, and maybe he has reasons too.

"That was not the first time he would walk into my room. It was night, and he wanted to talk, so I let him. He told me the needed that formula. It was for his sister. He says if he can also have that formula he can live in freedom, he can leave here. He doesn't want to settle here forever," I started and Axel was all ears and so are Kyoya, Kazehaya and Minato.

"He was emotional that night, but I didn't believe him because I knew him from the start. He is an only son of one of the officials here in Olympus, and it is impossible that he has a sister. I don't know the reason about why he had to make such a thing, but I just let him talk. Because I feel like he had something in him he wants to talk about, he just doesn't know where to start or how to start. I think he is afraid of something," I added and look at his expression, he was poker face.

"Continue," he uttered, and the other three just nodded.

"Well? Go on, Kousuke, there's not much time. Spill it out or we are out of the game for damn's sake," Kazehaya exclaimed and Axel glance at his direction, making him zip his mouth.

I gulp and I feel like sweating. "Last night he came to apologize. He says sorry for making such a story. He told me the real reason."

"Remember the day that I have to confess that I have a sister thing and she died bla bla bla?"

"Well, that was a lie. Forgive me for that, I don't even know what came into me to tell such stories. Mary warned me though, but I didn't listen to her. Seriously, I don't know what came into me but I wish no harm Kousuke trust me. Yes, at first I admit yes, maybe, but believe me I don't do harm. My actual goal here is to have freedom. Mary and I want to get of here. This place is a living hell. As much as I want to bring freedom here in this land, I can't. I can't do it. And maybe if I can, I am worried if it fails and someone will get in danger or in any harms. I know what they can do. And I don't trust my father. Even Mary don't trust her father."

"He told me he doesn't trust his father, and even Mary doesn't trust her father too. Their actual goal was to get out of here. He came that night to ask for my help and I couldn't even believe at first because how can a guy like him that has everything asked for my help. How can I help? I am just no one. He says he will cooperate with me, with us. That night I know he was serious."

"You're teasing me. So what I am here is, I am asking for your help. We'll help each other. This is not what you think. If you think we are using you just for our sake, it's not. We will also cooperate with you. We'll play with our might and if ever we open the second vault, remember it is our victory. It's okay if you don't trust me this time. I'll prove it to you I am trustworthy. I am doing this for Mary, she wants to get our of here. If I will leave behind, it's okay as long as Mary gets her freedom."

Silence takes over us and I look at Kazehaya who is worried about the shrinking and yet we are still here. Minato was also in deep thought. He was like that when he saw their hero . I don't blame him maybe he is close to the person because after all they have been to each other for years on where the hell they are now. I just wonder if it is really true that they will have  freedom after all of the commotions and news that spread by that year. I just hope he has anothe plan if this will not work out as the way he thought.

"Axel!" Kazehaya exclaimed, I can say that is a little bit paranoid. But so is Kyoya he just don't show it because it's unlikely him. I can see it in his face.

"Ryuzaki Inoha is afraid. He is afraid of death. Ryuzaki's father was close of my dad. His father was begging to my dad that night. Ryuzaki was not in the list of the players that is supposed to be reincarnated. Mr. Inoha did everything for my father's approval and at the end he did grant his wish. But on one condition. The condition was surprised me...no surprised was not the perfect word to describe what I felt that day. It horrifies me, it scares me...my father was crazy. That condition was to give Mr. Inoha's wife as sacrifice. Could you imagine how sick and lunatic he was? I'm ashamed of myself, ashamed of my family. This life that I have right now is a waste. There is someone out there that deserves this much better than me. Like Ryuzaki, I am scared of dying. I'm scared yet I'm scared of living. I'm scared of what will I learn, secrets, I'm scared of facing the truth. And yet I am here in front of you all telling this shit that I have," he agonized and I can see him shaking and his eyes were watery now but he immediately wipe it away.

"Axel," I whispered.

"You're thinking how did I know it right? Remember the abandoned portal, Kousuke? I was there, I know you were there too, I saw you. I was mad about you that day because I thought you were cheating but I was just blinded of my dad's words. When you were gone I decided to go out too but my feet won't let me walk. Instead it walked me into the wooden box just near at where you sit that day. I opened it and it was all tapes of cctv's it was old but I don't know what came into me why the heck did I play those things. and that is why I am acting this way! I hate myself I shouldn't play those, I should have know," he added and I don't know how to react. That day it was him. I didn't notice the thing he is telling us now. I was too occupied with those folders I saw.

"Hey, aren't you worried that your father might hear us?" Kyoya asked and I went nervous. Yes, his father mgiht hear us from now he might be looking at us by now.

"No, don't worry. I took care of everything for us. Our contact lenses are special," he answered and I frowned.

"How would you know? I just took it from the table and distributed it to you guys," I answered and Kyoya nodded in agreement.

"I just knew it. Don't underestimate you little human being!" Axel excalimed and he is back again of being a hot temper guy.

"The normal contact lenses are able to hear our talks, movements and everything. But ours are not, they might think by now that our contact lenses have defects and they might fix it after this game," he added and I can't help but to be amazed.

"What else did you see?" Minato asked out of the sudden and Axel look at him.

"If I tell you now, you all might kill me. I will tell you if I am ready and I hope you all understand. I'm scared too."

***

AXEL

It was not a cctv, it was an item that was hidden into an office by someone that I do not know. Maybe the person who hid this was bringing so much hatred and anger towards my dad. The person who made such an item like this that was invisible to the naked eye of the people is a person who should be look up to in technologies and apps but will be a dangerous one.

I don't know how did I keep it from myself those big revelations that I have known. My world collapse as if I was living in lie in my entire life and death. He was my father that I idolized, I admired, I love but he was a different person. He was the reason of my mother's death. He killed my mother, Ryuzaki's mother and even Mary. He was tailing Draco Valdemort who is the master mind of all this. He is the lunatic and crazy one. Even though my father did not handed over those killings, he was there. He saw it all but did nothing. Countless murders but he did nothing. 

What are you doing dad? This is not like you. I better died and not knowing everything instead of this life that I have and known everything. The murder of Kousuke's parents, the death of Ryuzaki and Mary's mother, the death of my mother. And maybe there are more deaths that includes my father and Draco Valdemort because I can't see a sign of conscience in them. I can't see it in my father's eye.

I don't know how to face Kousuke and maybe he is also searching for the assassins of his parents. How could I tell him? Where do I start? When will I tell him? It's hard for me too. I'm scared of the back lash, I'm scared and I feel like I'm walking for my death. I can't breath, I can't think straight. Every time I saw Ryuzaki and Mary I feel guilty because I know the reason of their mother's death. And yet the most crucial thing of all is I know whose the assassins behind the murder of Kousuke's parents. Am I the bad guy here? I keep fighting myself into the dark.

Did the second life that is given to me wants me to pay? If this is what it feels to be living again I'd rather choose to be dead and not feel anything. 

My father given me the access to everything even going to the restricted places that are under maintenance. And that case I easily followed Kousuke inside the portal. I was sure that he was searching for something. I was so close to see him but he vanished into thin air. It was quick and if I am bot mistaken he had come prepared for anything. He had this capsule of teleportation. I walked to where the folders are somehow scattered. Papers that are no use but some are. And those are now in the hands of him.

"Are you sure of what you see, Axel?" My father asked as he took a sip of his black coffee while sitting near at the glass window where he can see the other players.

"I saw him entered but he instantly vanished. He maybe felt that someone was in there," I replied and saw him massage his temples. I don't know if he was somehow disappointed in me or not.

"What did he saw?" he asked and put his tea cup in the table that was near him.

I fidgeted because I don't even know what did he saw. "I didn't know but he was searching for something. It was from the vault," I answered and took a sit in the couch. I was tired and I needed sleep. I don't know why but I feel something weird in my body. Dad told me that I am now completely fine but why do I feel something odd.

A moment of silence won over us. The room was sound proof and the silence kills me. I can hear the tiktok of the clock, I can hear my heart beat and even the blood that runs into me. I maybe exaggerated but I am afraid of my dad. I am anxious.

"Don't worry my son. Everything is fine. Go to your room and rest now. Your body needs it. In your room I placed medicines for you to take. Take it before going to sleep. I know your body is getting weaker now. I am searching for a formula for it. Don't worry about yourself, I got you. And tomorrow, observe him again," he stated not looking at me.

I can still clearly remember that day, those conversations we have. 

That is why I relate to Ryuzaki, he is afraid of dying and maybe he is finding a way to get that formula. He is desperate to live, he wants to live and yet I am here desperate to die. Is this a sign to wish this kind of death? Does my father has a better reason on why he is doing all of this? But if there is, those reasons are not acceptable. Those are unacceptable reasons. Are those medicines he is giving me are for good reasons? Is he trying to kill me? Does he want me dead? Did he even love me as his son? Did he even love my mother, his wife? I have lots of questions that I so desperately wants an answer. I want answers to my questions, but where would I find them? If I didn't go to the abandoned portal what would I be? Where would I be by now? I am sure I am not sulking like right now.

'Axel, don't worry...don't worry I will not let you go. Just keep on holding on, you don't deserve this. You don't deserve this ill, this is not the end my son. I will let you live, okay? Can you hear me? Just hold on even though it takes many years. Promise me to hold on. Me and your mom will be here waiting for you. I will do everything to make you come back. There is this thing that will make you alive. I told your mom about this and told me that she'll be waiting. Rest now okay? Remember what I have told you. Have a deep sleep and condition yourself out there my son. I love you my son.'

I almost believe that you love me dad but no...you don't love us. You only love yourself and what will you get after this? Tailing Draco Valdemort is an evil thing to do. You should have known that since then.

"Hey, I hate to break this dramarama but we need to get out of here. You two can talk about that issues when we are out of here. Okay? I understand what you are going through but you know guys we need to what we need to do," Kazehaya uttered and I nodded. Yes, this is not the perfect time to have this drama but I just snapped. I snapped annd didn't control my emotions. I hate myself.

"Cool yourself there, I got this," I stated and it was like Kazehaya and Kyoya's eyes sparkle in delight.

"You look like a cool shit Ax," Minato uttered and I can't help but to glare at him. 

I look at Kousuke and he was also looking at me.

"It's okay not be okay Axel, we trust you. I trust you so it's okay. Let's go, what's the plan?" Kousuke asked and I felt that I am going emotional again but I sounded and act like a gay that I really really want to punch myself out of this damn thoughts.

I smiled and he smiled back, I looked at my squad and realize maybe I have found a true family and they are now in front of me.

I tap my screen and pulled out SUV and they are all shock or I might say surprised.

"If you have that one already why did we even run?" Kyoya asked irritably and stump his feet like a kid.

"Baka! To look cool you know! But why really? How did you have that kind of transpo? I thought we are empty handed?" Kazehaya added and even Minato arched his eyebrow.

"I'm the captain here so I can do whatever I want. Do not depend on what we have that's the lesson that I want you to learn," I answered and get into the SUV same as Kousuke who is smiling.

The other three get in and they are still shouting and fighting. Seriously I have rats in my squad.

SUV

A transportation that a squad can fit. A bulkier four-wheeled vehicle with a slightly slower speed and wider turning circle. The SUV will cover the lower half of any operator that sits inside of it. Of course, since it has windows and a windshield, bullets can still pierce through it and hit anyone inside. It can also take a few more hits than both previous vehicles, given that there is a lot more steel that must be destroyed before it turns to scrap metal. This means that, in a pinch, it can be mobile cover, acting as a temporary defensive wall to hide behind if a firefight breaks out mid-road trip. With this improvement in defense comes some drawbacks: it can hit relatively moderate speeds but isn't as nimble as the ATV or Tactical Rover. An SUV will stick out a bit more as you drive it through Syria, as there isn't any camouflage or body kits to make it have a lower profile.

"Yahooo!" Kazehaya and Kyoya both shouted and I can't help but to smile. It felt different, I guess this was my first time to smile, a genuine smile because maybe I found a family.

Don't be afraid and you must know that it is okay not to be okay.

A little lesson in here, I searched in google and credit all of the information to the right people who shared this.

Thanatophobia

Credit: Medically reviewed by Timothy J. Legg, Ph.D., CRNP — Written by Kimberly Holland 

Thanatophobia is commonly referred to as the fear of death. More specifically, it can be a fear of death or a fear of the dying process.

It's natural for someone to worry about their own health as they age. It's also common for someone to worry about their friends and family after they're gone. However, in some people, these concerns can develop into more problematic worries and fears.

The American Psychiatric Association doesn't officially recognize thanatophobia as a disorder. Instead, the anxiety someone may face because of this fear is often attributed to general anxiety.

Signs and symptoms of thanatophobia include:

-anxiety-dread-distress

Treatment focuses on:

-learning to refocus the fears-talking about your feelings and concerns

What are the risk factors? Some people are more likely to develop a fear of death or experience dread at the thought of dying. These habits, behaviors, or personality factors can increase your risk for developing thanatophobia:

Age Death anxiety peaks in a person's 20s. It fades as they get older.

Gender Both men and women experience thanatophobia in their 20s. However, women experience a secondary spike of thanatophobia in their 50s.

Parents near end of life It's been suggested that older individuals experience thanatophobia less often than younger people.

However, older people may fear the dying process or failing health. Their children, however, are more likely to fear death. They're also more likely to say their parents are afraid of dying because of their own feelings.

Humility People who are less humble are more likely to worry about their own death. People with higher levels of humility feel less self-importance and are more willing to accept life's journey. That means they're less likely to have death anxiety.

Health issues Individuals with more physical health problems experience greater fear and anxiety when considering their future.

Fear of pain

Credit: Ralph Lewis M.D.

There's no reason to expect that the actual process of dying is any worse physically than what you or other still-living people have already previously experienced.

For most people, the terror of the actual process of dying probably involves a fear of physical pain. It also probably involves fearful incomprehension of the seemingly mysterious process by which the consciousness that is our "self" is extinguished, or fades away.

Let's deal first with our fear of a painful death. We are all afraid of pain. We have all had much experience of physical pain, some more than others, and we are quite likely to have witnessed more extreme pain and agony in others than we have experienced ourselves. All this makes us fear pain. Physical pain arises from damage to our living tissue. Since death is the ultimate destruction of our living tissues, we naturally assume that death must be the ultimately painful experience. Since nobody who has actually died can tell us what it felt like physically, we naturally have a terror of dying.

But in fact, rationally and from a medical point of view, there is no particular reason to suppose that the intensity of pain (or other forms of discomfort or impairment) from various causes of death is greater than the intensity of pain from various illnesses and injuries that we ourselves may already have previously experienced, or the pain that others have experienced and survived to tell the tale. Furthermore, dying in and of itself does not necessarily involve painful processes—some forms of death are painful and others are not. And many acute injuries are actually more painful afterward (in people who survive them) than they are at the moment of injury.

However, not to sugar-coat this subject—certainly many of the people who have survived more extreme forms of agonizing injury or illness would never want to re-experience it, and some are psychologically traumatized by the experience for a long time afterward (bear with me—we are talking just for a moment about worst-case scenarios). There's every reason to expect that the pain and suffering are just as bad if not worse for those who survived such injury or illness than those who died. Yet even the most traumatized survivors have in very many cases gone on to live fulfilling lives and are able to talk about the experience.