Why?

The feeling is becoming more and more familiar, more and more normal. The ground being ripped from under my feet and replaced by an infinite void. The world below me is slowly becoming more real. The ground awaiting my feet. The carpeted floors opened up to receive me and the other players. Fifteen people passed, out of two thousand only fifteen remain. I fell to the ground in the bar, this time avoiding crashing into a table.

"Well… Hello again."

Before us was the same figure, his smile still like a jester mocking and goading us.

"If I'm honest I'm not at all surprised with this outcome. However I would have preferred more equal numbers, but for that I suppose we have to thank our number one player who managed to snatch 338 gems."

In the room was all of my guild Psye included, Bana and eight other people among them, sea was standing nervously in the middle staring at the players like monsters.

"That was the end of the first round, I hope you all enjoyed, please come back at the same time tomorrow, however when you login you will be taken directly here. Thank you for participating."

The man disappeared leaving the admins standing at the bar staring down at us. A woman stepped out, long hair flowing from her head and onto her shoulders.

"Please feel free to stay here for as long as you want or tocom back at any time."

The admins disappeared too, Kyn winking at me as they evaporated into a cloud of mist.

"Hey assassin! Long time no see"

"hey Psye, I'm happy you made it too"

"Yeah definitely could've used a hundred of your gems."

"Hah, I'm gonna log off now. I'll see ya at school, ok?"

"yeah see ya"

I logged out, my body dragged back to reality, the feeling was sickening… going back there. I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling… it's so cold now… the shivers creeping and crawling through my body, every cell of my body touched by the icy grip.

I slid my body over the edge of my bed pushing my feet onto the cold floor. Then walking slowly over to the door I left my room. The darkness enclosing behind me. The calm cool is gone.

In the room was my mom. I walked over to the fridge staring at the cold drinks under the bright electrical light. The rattling and clicking ringing through my head.

"I heard you had trouble with Lev."

"Yeah,"

"Why?"

"Does it matter?"

"No. Just don't make trouble for me. I don't want to hear about you having more disagreements."

"Ok"

"Good boy."

Everytime I speak to her… it makes me hollow. Every thought in my head, every will, feeling and desire is gone. I'm just an empty shell. The terrifying thing is I don't hate it. Everytime I want something… every time I love something… it all leaves.

I want to be hollow, to be vacant. I don't want this anymore. I just want death. I want to be gone, I want it all to end.

I dropped to the floor, my drink spilling over the wooden floor, soaking into the cracks. The red energy drinks taunting my hopes, my desires. Spilling down into the tunnels of wood, digging through the planks.

I want to die…

Why?

WHY?!?!

Why ella? Why did you push me back. Why did you force me to live without you. Why did you leave? Why did you go! Why couldn't you have taken me with you. Why do you haunt me?

Why!

Wh…

"Lee,"

I looked up with surprise striking through my face, the tears falling into the pooling liquid. When did I start crying? I looked up at her. My heart shattering.

DAMMIT!!!!!!!

I grabbed my chest, pulling the shirt inwards. My fingers ripping into my skin.

Why do you haunt me?

Why do you always stand there smiling?

Why?

"Why do you want to die?"

I picked up a rag and cleaned up the mess and walked back to the darkness.

"Why do you ignore me?"

"Be quiet."

"Do you not think I'm real?"

"Leave me alone."

"Do you love someone else?"

"No."

"Then why?"

"You're not real, just a delusion… and I'm delusional for talking to you."

"Hmm you're angry with me?"

"I'm not, I'm upset at Ella. That's not angry and you're not her."

"Do you want to die then?"

"More than anything."

"Then why don't you."

"Leave me alone."

"But you're still sad."

"I don't care, go!"

"Fine,"

I lay down on my bed, my head resting on my arm, the heavy skull pressing into my flesh. The tears ran into the fabric. The pain is immeasurable. I hate it! I hate breathing. I hate my heart beating. I hate my blood flowing. I hate it all.

I hate it… I hate myself.

.

.

.

"Lee! Hurry up!"

"I'd be faster if you didn't make me carry everything!"

"Hahah"

I'm in those woods, traveling through the plants and trees, an old table tied to my back. In front of me is Dan, we were taking old furniture to the secret base so we could all study together, to make it our home. Lev had taken the chairs and the others were still raiding the dump for a generator. In total there were six of us. Ella, Kate, Dan, Lev, Mori and me. It's been a while since I've had this dream, since I've remembered this day. It was a good day. After a few hours of work we opened the secret base, somehow they managed to find a working generator and lug it back to the hideout as well as some fuel and appliances. That night all of us slept at the hideout. It was so much fun.

"Hey Lee, what are you going to be when you're older?"

"I'm gonna be a lawyer."

"Hahahah" Ella erupted into laughter as I said it.

"HEY!! What's so funny about that?"

"No, it's nothing, I just can't imagine you arguing."

"Hahaha you're right, I told him to carry the table and he did it with no argument."

"Shut up!!"

"I think you'll be a great lawyer Charlie, you'll be great standing up for people."

Mori was smiling, she always was. She was by far the smartest of all of us, it's no surprise she made it out. She was so quiet, I could never tell what she was thinking.

"Th...thanks."

"Oh my god are you blushing???"

"Hahahahaha"

"SHUT UP?!?!?!"

The night passed on and we all sat around the heater, listening to the sound of the waterfall and talking.

And then it came, the dream I dread, the vision I hate. Her hair spreading out against the rushing water, her face so happy. Her smile as radiant as the sun. and then it was all gone.