FOUR

I was back at home again, in my old room only I wasn't alone. My son, my amazing child was with me. I got him enrolled in school, he'd never been, and he was so excited. I started up my business again. I couldn't imagine going to a job every day. I couldn't leave my son and I wasn't ready to be around so many people. It made me realize how isolated I was in Bixby. I would take my son to the park every day and I made friends with a few moms. We would hang out at the park after school and get together for playdates. They made life manageable after everything that had happened. They became my lifeline, and I don't think I would have survived without them. We never talked about my past and they never pushed. It's like they knew I wasn't ready. They tried to get me to date, meet someone. They just wanted me to be happy, but They soon accepted that wasn't going to happen. I couldn't let someone in, not after what happened and who would want me if they knew. I spent two years, working, and focusing on my son. I looked forward to the park and playdates. It was the only adult interaction I had besides clients' orders. I had accepted this would be my life forever. As time went on, I became more and more lonely. I missed being around people. What I missed was being close to someone, feeling connected. I ignored those feelings, bottling them up but they would slowly creep to the surface. I knew I'd never been with someone again so as soon as they came up, I would push them down as low as I could make them go.

I still had so much crushing debt. I was never going to dig myself out of this hole. Emotionally I was broken and financially I was drowning. My mom and I were both struggling to make ends meets she was trying her hardest and there was nothing I could do to help. I'm the daughter, I'm supposed to take care of her. I was educated, I had a bachelor's degree and some master's credits before I met Matt. The trauma I had endured made it hard to work and if I got a real job, I would lose it all to my ex-husbands' debt. My mom managed to pay for a divorce. He didn't contest and gave up custody of Michael. He was in a world of trouble; he had no money for lawyers, and he was in all sorts of legs trouble. My mom was insistent on the divorce. She didn't want me to end up with more debt or trouble from him. She was right but it wasn't easy. I was happy to be rid of him, but his scars were still there.