Chapter 4

Notes:

I know our typical book Bella would have fallen into a deep depression for days or gone completely crazy, you know how she did in New Moon LOL. But in my mind giving her longer one on one time with Jake and no interruptions from Edward would help make her stronger.And I hate being sick and can't do it to Bella and honestly didn't she go through enough without having to have a virus? LOL

My mind must've been such a mess not even the nightmares could break through. I t slept until morning and laid there until Charlie went to work in the early afternoon. I'm lucky school was out today as well. The tears had come and lasted for hours, I could feel how puffy my face was and I'm sure my eyes were red. I couldn't face my father and so I had to lie and say I was sleeping in. I could z his shock and joy through my closed door.

When the coast was clear I went downstairs to have tea while I put cold cloths on my tender eyes until they went down in size. After that I had to keep busy. I actually enjoy cleaning, yeah yeah I'm weird. But from a young age I took over those responsibilities since Renee was not into any sort of cleaning. She was a great home maker and decorator just not a Molly maid. And over the years cleaning has become therapeutic to me, I feel like my mind clears while I focus on the task at hand.

Of course because of this, Charlie's house was always spotless. To give him credit that's how I found it when I got here. My dad likes things simple but he still has his trinkets, he still made the house feel lived in and it always felt like a home. So I deep cleaned. Couch pillow cases, winter coats and other odd items were washed first followed by every piece of laundry we both had. The oven and stove were next followed by the bathroom. I had to open the windows for a while, in winter, I used so much bleach. After starting dinner I worked on the baseboards and finished with sweeping, vacuuming and mopping. I made sure to shower, change and start less strange tasks before Charlie got home. I was sitting on the couch outlining my big essay for literature class when he came through the door.

"Hey Bells. Wow, this place is shining! Thanks for cleaning so uh much. How was your day off?" He asks me as he stands in the entryway of our living room.

"It was good and busy. Dinner will be ready soon." I tell him.

"Okay great. Is Jacob coming by?"

"Um no. Since we're going to the movie tomorrow he had to work on the cars in his garage tonight after school."

"Hard working one that boy, I admire that. I'm going to get changed before dinner." Charlie says and heads upstairs.

What I told him about Jacob was the truth, I just left out the part where he asked me to keep him company while he worked on the cars. Even before the events of last night I had told him I would leave him to it without distraction, so that was a blessing. After our fight I did not want to cancel plans because I heard Edward's voice in my head. I just didn't think that would go over well. And I really did want to try as much as I could for Jake so I had to work through this insanity on my own.

While we waited for dinner, I finished the outline for my essay and Charlie caught up on some sports game. As I was packing up I got a text from Angela saying her and Jessica got food poisoning from their breakfast that morning (they had invited me last night as they dropped me off but I made up some story about a lot of homework and declined) and wouldn't make the movie tomorrow. I felt awful for them and I was really disappointed too. Quil was never able to come since he was visiting his mom's family this weekend and Eric cancelled Wednesday because he got grounded when his mom found a cigarette in his room. Leaving me, Jake and Mike.

I think it's time to see if they want to reschedule.

I plate up our dinner and before I begin eating I text them both.

Bella: Hey, the other girls are sick and can't come tomorrow. Should we just reschedule?

They both respond almost immediately.

Jake: Oh shit poor them. Nah I still want to go. How was your day? :)

Mike: Yeah Jessica just told me too. I still want to go. Meet at my store at 6?

Okay well, we're not going to dinner anymore, no way in hell is that happening.

Again, I send them both the same message .

Bella: See you at Newton's at 7. We can just see the movie.

And then I message Jake again:

Bella: My day was better than school but still boring. Worked on the cars?

Jake: Yep, they're done. I miss you, can't wait for tomorrow. ;) I'll be at your place by 6:30.

Bella: Missed you too Jake. See you then.

Jake: Dream of me Bells ;)

God how he affects me, am I really blushing from that text? I wish it was that simple and I could just dream of him. But I know my busy day would not equate well with my quiet, lonely night.

After filling and turning on the dishwasher I decide to sit with Charlie for a bit. We watch old reruns of comedy sitcoms and it actually helps me. We laugh and talk and two hours flies by. It gives me the smallest ray of hope for, a not totally awful night of sleep.

I pick out an outfit for tomorrow before going bed to kill just a little more time. I want to look good for Jake, I notice when his eyes look over me from head to toe and like the gluttonous selfish person I am, I love it. But at the same time I do no want to send any welcoming (in that way)vibes to Mike. He's such a nice person and a good friend but even in a world with no Edward or Jacob he's just not my type. And I also see how he looks at me in an attempt at the same way Jake does and it makes me uncomfortable.

I settle on, freshly washed, Renee choices. Stepping outside of my comfort zone, I go with dark wash skinny jeans, that I guess are high waisted? since my old jeans didn't come up past my belly button and just holding these up to myself I can see this pair will. Next I choose a fitted but warm, black, cable knit turtle neck sweater and -fine I'll use the word- cute leather ankle booties. Baby steps here. Last, I made sure in my cleaning buzz of today to include my new parka, also from my mom. I was worried it wouldn't hold up to Forks weather but even though it's ten times more fashionable than my last one it's also practical. My mom really is a good shopper.

Out of excuses to not go and lie down and starting to feel sleepy I drag myself to my bed and try to sleep. It claims me quickly and I think I make it longer than usual before a mini nightmare wakes me with a jolt. I can't even remember what it was about and fall back to sleep again and even snooze my alarm. Maybe I finally am starting to get better.

Charlie is off today so him and Billy made plans to keep each other company in their kids' absence this evening. I'm glad they have each other, their friendship is one I envy. Jake and I are the best of friends but the "more" aspect to it obviously changes it from being like our dads'.

I make Charlie and I a big brunch meal since we both had lazy mornings. After working a bit more on my essay I start to get ready. After I showered, fixed my hair and added my minimal make up I get dressed. And wow, I see why girls like high waisted jeans. I'm not one to compliment myself but I know I have a good ass, especially for a pale face as Jake calls me. But in these jeans holy shit, I have to give myself a nod of approval. Once I'm fully dressed I can honestly say I look good, maybe too good for the Mike side of my plan but I'm preeety sure Jake will appreciate this outfit.

I get to the kitchen to see Charlie packing up some beer along with the chili and cornbread I made for him Billy and just then there's a knock at the door. My heart rate picks up as do the speed of the butterflies in my stomach as I walk to the door.

In about 3.2 seconds my theory on Jake's opinion of my outfit is confirmed. He's his usually sunny self, huge smile on his face but as he went to open his mouth to speak his jaw just stayed agape with no words escaping. His eyes also widened at the same time. I had to stifle a laugh. Jacob opened and closed his mouth a couple of times and blinked even more before finally composing himself.

"Wow, woah Bella, you look amazing." Jake says as he continues to stare at me not blinking.

I finally take my turn to soak in his appearance and I wouldn't be surprised if my face matched his. Jacob could wear tube socks with sandals, a cheesy tourist shirt plus Dad jeans and still look like a model. So dressed in a deep maroon colored long sleeved shirt, black jeans, leather jacket and combat boots, he could make a girl literally swoon.

"Thanks. So do you Jake." I tell him and I know I'm blushing.

I turn to head back to the kitchen so Jake and Charlie can say hi and I can make sure my Dad packed everything he needs. As I'm walking away from the door, I hear it close and right after that I hear a sharp intake of breath followed by a cough from Jake. I'm about to ask him if he's alright but as I turn I can see his gaze rising from my behind and can't but smile. I still check on him but without worry, now that I know my new jeans are the reason behind his little fit.

"Jake! What happened? Are you alright?" I ask, barely holding back my laughter.

"Huh? Yeah of course I'm fine. New jeans?" He recovers quickly and teases me right back.

"I think so, why do they look okay or should I change?" Two can play that game Mr. Black.

"No, no definitely don't change, they suit you." Jake replies into my ear from where he is standing so close I can feel his body heat against my back.

Jacob over takes me to the kitchen and I hear him and Charlie exchange greetings as I catch myself before joining them.

"So who's driving to Port Angeles?" My dad asks.

"We decided to take the Rabbit. Mike doesn't have his own car and his parents don't want he work van going all that way." I explain.

"Sounds like a good plan. Call me if you need anything and have fun." Charlie replies as he starts grabbing the food and drink.

"Here Charlie, let me help." Jake says as he grabs almost everything in his arms.

"Thanks Jake..." My Dad looks at my best friend in awe and maybe confusion at the amount he's carried outside in one go. "See you later Bells." He tells me as he gives me a hug.

"Bye Dad, tell Billy I said hello." I say.

I start tidying up any mess Charlie left behind when Jacob comes back into the kitchen. I have to force myself to look at the counter and not his chest, especially at how his shirt curves over every muscle.

Jake had been helping Billy and was later getting to mine than he had planned to be so we had to head out right after Charlie to make time. This was for the best since there was something different between us tonight, something I don't know if I'm ready for.

I hate being sick but sitting in the passenger seat of Jake's car with Mike leaning forward (and towards me) from the back seat practically the whole way to Port Angeles is making me wish I had gone to breakfast with Angela and Jessica. Other than the leaning from Mike which made Jake change lanes or turn to the left harshly and slam brakes unnecessarily (after a few times of losing his balance Mike just sat back against his seat) the ride was just long but at least not quiet. The boys talk sports and cars all the way there, that was the only up-side.

As we were parking and on the walk to the theater, I noticed Mike slow his pace and stop talking. I left it alone until after we got our tickets and were in the line for snacks.

"Mike are you okay?"

"Huh? Uh yeah Bella, just not a good back seat driver." He tells me looking paler than usual. Well no matter how much Jake will hate it I'll take the backseat on the way home, Mike can't be getting car sick.

Jacob sneakily got both us our drinks and snacks while Mike just grabbed a soda before we head in and pick our seats.

The movie is fine, some zombie thriller that usually is one of my favorite "end of world scenarios", but tonight with Jake leaning against me on my left and Mike trying to be close to me on my right, I keep hoping a zombie will jump out of the screen and bite me. My wish is partially granted when half way through Mike gets up suddenly and rushes out of the theater.

We wait a couple of minutes before following and I force Jake to check on him in the bathroom.

"The marshmallow says he's fine in between throwing up. He'll be in there a while." Jacob reports with a chuckle.

"Jake it's not funny, that sucks for him." I admonish him but only slightly.

"Whatever you say Bells. Want to go back in or wait here so we can leave when he's ready?" He asks.

"Let's wait, he'll want to go as soon as he can." I say as I lead Jacob to a row of chairs near the entrance.

As we sit down in our usual comfortable silence I message Angela.

Bella: Feeling any better? Mike must have a bug or something, made it to the movies for him to be sick too

Angela: Yeah I am a little bit, thanks for checking in :) he doesn't have a bug, he was at breakfast too. I just assumed he wouldn't be going tonight either...

.fuck? Have I been throwing myself at him and not even realizing it? Why on earth would he come tonight, sick and with Jacob still coming along? Great, once he's better I would have the joy of the awkward "Jesus Mike I'm not interested in you" talk. Maybe I'll be nicer when he time comes, we'll have to see.

"Jake look what Angela just told me." I say to him as I hand him my phone.

His eyes scan the screen and he starts laughing as he hands it back to me.

"Wow what a freak. How desperate is he? You drive people crazy without even trying to Bells." Jake says.

"Well I don't want to! I've never looked at or thought of Mike like that, just ugh no!" I respond as I hang my head in my hands in frustration. Couldn't I have one nice normal weekend?

"Bells it's okay, at least you know now that he's crushing bad, real bad, so you can deal with it." Jacob tells me as he wraps his arm around my shoulder, instantly comforting me.

I melt into his embrace and let out a sigh at his words, he's right this will all stop soon, that's the silver lining.

"Thanks Jake, you're right." I say as I look up at him.

Jacob is smiling at me and looking right into my eyes. It feels like he can see inside my head, it's so intense I would've had to look away regardless but when I see his gaze switch from my eyes to my lips I drop mine back to my hands immediately. I'm not ready for this.

The frustrated and deflated sigh that escapes him as he rips his arm from around me and stands up, breaks away another piece of my shattered heart.

"Do you see another Mike when you look at me Bella? Am I just not getting the hint or do you only want me in a way that's good for you, without even thinking about what I want?" Jacob asks me through gritted teeth.

I only have time to stand up and place my hands on his chest (which feels as if it's vibrating, thank God that stops almost immediately after I touch him) before the marshmallow in question appears from the bathroom.

"Um I'm really sorry about that..." Mike embarrassingly apologizes.

"Don't be sorry for being sick." I tell him.

"Can you make it back to Forks without decorating my car with your breakfast?" Jacob asks harshly.

"I think so. I'll try to sleep on the way back, that should help." Mike replies meekly as he heads out of the theater ahead of us.

Jacob grabs a large popcorn bucket before following him with me in tow.

Mike is able to fall asleep after asking us to drop him at home instead of the store. I keep trying to think of what to say to Jacob but between the combination of Mike being right behind us and the sinking feeling in my gut from Jake's words and hurt expression earlier, nothing comes out.

The drive back was over in what felt like the blink of an eye and with no more visits to Europe on Mike's behalf. He had woken-up as we entered Forks and mumbled out a "thanks" and a "night" as he got out of the Rabbit once we reached his house, popcorn bucket still in hand.

And even though it's back to being just the two of us, I can't get any words out until we're parked in front of my house sitting in silence.

"Jake I'm sorry. I don't look at you like I do Mike, not at all. I just froze, I'm not ready yet."

"Don't be sorry for your feelings. It's just hard for me and even harder recently because I am ready and I have been for a while."

"I don't want to hurt you Jake and I do want to try harder."

"I know Bells. Look, it's late you should get inside and I need to get home."

"Oh okay yeah. Um, so will I see you tomorrow?"

"I think I need a day alone, this is all really getting to me and I hate getting angry period but especially at you."

The hole in my chest, the Jacob hole that formed the last time, the first time, we fought rips open. I have to fight the urge to wrap my arm around myself, hold in the tears and force my voice to not crack.

"Okay."

"How about you come over after school on Monday?"

"Sure. Night Jacob." I say and don't wait for his response.

Robot Bella must be back because I make it from the car and inside my house without tripping once.

"Hey Bells! Have a good night?" Charlie asks from the living room.

"Yeah Dad. Really tired though, night." I manage out before the tears start to fall.

For hours I try to catch my breath between my sobs and the gaping burning hole in my chest. Obviously, I should have anticipated this and I had to stop taking our good days for granted. Those days weren't great for Jacob, they were times he had to hold back saying and doing things that came naturally to him. I know I'm a mess but I was also honest with him, why can't he do the same with me? If he's fed up I understand, he deserves so much better than me and what I might be able to give him. But I wish he would talk to me, I would do anything I can do make him happier. Even if that means putting distance between us..

God that thought ripped open the hole to the point that I had to hold myself together.

My mind was such a mess that not even the nightmares wanted in and once my new usual of, thinking and crying until exhaustion kicked-in, I slept until lunch. This was rare for normal Bella and non-existent for new depressed Bella but I welcomed the sleeping-in because I had nowhere to go, nothing to do and no way to keep my mind busy. Charlie had been putting in overtime recently due to the fatal attacks in the neighboring town, heling them and preparing us incase the terror came to Forks. Bitch Bella was glad to have the house to herself and not have to fake being okay all day and night for Charlie.

I drag myself out of bed and have tea while putting a cold cloth on my eyes, I can feel how red and puffy they are without needing a mirror's confirmation.

After a couple of hours of zombie Bella appearing in the house I force myself out the door, I had to slap some life into my face before Charlie got home. I can't worry him again.

I drive aimlessly all around Forks and the border of the town but never to or near the reservation. If Jacob needed space I would give it to him. No matter how much pain I was in or how my whole body felt like it was on a rope being pulled to La Push.

I ended up having to fill my tank because I drove in circles for so long. As I was pumping the gas I decided it was time to put on my "I'm fine" mask and go home. Especially seeing as I only left a note telling Charlie "I was popping out and didn't have my phone since it was dead" (it wasn't, I was just avoiding Jake on the off chance he called) I had to be home at a decent hour. I took the residential route though since it's longer through the neighborhood and I wanted to kill more time before facing my Dad.

A "Yard Sale" sign makes me slow down to look at what was left for sale but the motorcycles I spot have me parking the truck. Two thoughts come to my mind almost at once, but one wins the race. Jake could really use these. Even if they don't end up working or if they cost more to fix than they're worth it's still a good learning experience and practice for him seeing as, surprisingly, we get a lot of motorcyclists in the area. The next thought is that if he does fix them, maybe he can teach me to ride before selling them and I don't think in any lifetime Edward would approve of bikes. I'm so selfish it makes me momentarily nauseous.

The mom of the house answers the door and is so happy someone is interested in the bikes that she invites me in to tell me their history. They're less than five years old and have been collecting dust and taking up room in her garage for just over a year. She's not sure what shape they're in, they worked fine until her sons got bored and parked them in the garage and she just wants them gone that's why they're free. I tell her a little about Jake and his goal of owning a garage and she's happy for him to be getting them and says he's lucky to have me as a friend. Pfft yeah right, more like poor sixteen year old boy stuck with the brunette burden. I just about resist saying this and smile at her instead.

One of her sons loads both bikes into the bed of my truck and I'm suddenly more grateful than I ever thought possible for the once, deemed (by me), pointless tarp that had been sitting there since I got the beast. Now let's just hope Jake likes the death traps.

Dinner is easier than I thought, it's nice having company and knowing I'll see Jake in less than 24 hours has me calming down some.

I go upstairs pretty early to make sure I did all my homework since I never had the time or bothered to look at anything yesterday or earlier today. As I'm gathering my books and papers I look at my phone and check that first.

Shit, tons of missed calls and texts, mostly from Jake and something from

Mike, ugh. Let's deal with the marshmallow first.

Messages: Mike (1)

Mike: Hi Bella. I just wanted to say I'm sorry again about last night, I shouldn't have come...it's just... I really wanted to hang out with you is all. It was stupid though. Anyway, thank Jacob again for the rides and I'll see you tomorrow.

My hopes that he would see I was the epitome of not interested and we could move on from this were squashed with that one message. First thing tomorrow we would get the awkward conversation over and done with so I don't bother replying.

Missed calls: Jake (3)

Voicemail: (1)

Messages: (5)

Holy shit what the hell is wrong with me? I hurt him last night and today. I know he asked for space but I should've looked at my phone once, but I just didn't think he would want to talk. I did message him last night, apologizing again and telling him I would see him Monday, thankfully it was short and I was able to keep my emotions out of it.

I read his messages first. There's one from last night in response to mine.

Jake: Bells, I told you, don't be sorry for your feelings that's not fair to you. I don't want space from you but I need it. I keep getting angry and impatient so quickly and easily these days and I do not want to lose my temper at you. I think I just need to clear my head for a day is all. I'm sorry about tonight. I can't wait to see you Monday.

I should just run away and let Jake find someone worthy of him. He's apologizing to me after I hurt him AND explaining himself. Edward was never the real monster, I am. But, unlike Edward, I won't leave Jacob. I know it really doesn't help.

I read the remaining messages, all from today.

Jake: Morning Bells. Just wanted to check-in and make sure you're okay. Message or call me when you can.

Jake: Tried calling you...twice, no answer and you haven't messaged back. Look Bella, I'm sorry again about last night, so sorry. Let me know you're okay, that's all, please.

Jake: Come over, even just to sit and be pissed at me. Don't shut me out, I'm worried.

Jake: I was about to come to your house since you haven't answered your cell or home phone but my Dad was taking to yours and never mentioned you so I know nothings wrong. I just messed up. Again. Fuck. What can I do to fix this? Please.

Hurting him is putting me in more pain than both of our fights combined, all I want to do is comfort him. But before calling him I listen to the voicemail just in case this is the last straw and he's asking me to leave him alone. My heart is in my throat waiting to hear the message.

"Bells, it's me. I've been trying to talk to you all day. I just want to know you're okay and that we're okay. I'm sorry honey I don't know why I keep snapping at you, at everyone, I hate it. I'll do anything just talk to me please." His voice breaks at the end and takes more of me with it.

I dial his number and he answers in record time.

"Bella!" Jacob answers sounding broken and relieved at once.

"Jake, I'm so so so sorry please let me explain." I say and don't pause to give him any chance to disagree. "I'm fine and we're fine, I promise. I was just an idiot and didn't look at my phone once today. Please forgive me, I never meant to hurt you or make you worry. I actually got you a present. I can bring it tomorrow, if you still want me to come over after school?" I ask, my heart still hanging out around my esophagus, beyond nervous for his response.

"I'm just happy to hear your voice. There's nothing to forgive, you gave me the space I asked for, I guess I just never needed it. I'm sorry I'm all over the place Bella, I don't know what's going on with me. But yes of course I want you to come over, present or not. Even though I do like presents." He says and I can hear the slightest Jacob smile in his voice.

"I'll be there then. And we can talk, if you want, about how you've been feeling." I tell him, hoping he will take me up on my offer since I've been worried about him for weeks, he's been stressed out and not like himself for no apparent reason. I hope this isn't my fault too, I'd never forgive myself for ruining a pure heart like Jake's.

"Yeah I think we should, it might help. I can't wait for tomorrow. Night Bells."

"Good night Jake." And with that we hang-up.

I feel like I can almost breathe again after starting to mend things with Jake. My slight relief paired with my excitement of showing him the bikes, allows me to sleep until the sound of my alarm wakes me.

From the minute I woke-up I had tunnel vision to this afternoon and seeing Jake. The only detour I made was before first period when I talked to Mike. When I got to school I spotted my friends chatting around Jessica's car and after saying my good mornings and checking on how the girls were feeling today, I asked Mike if we could talk, alone. We walked to the side of the school, near the tree line before I began the most awkward conversation of my life.

"Mike, I'm sorry to do this now but there will never be a good time to say this and after Saturday night I need to get it over with. I don't look at you in the same way you look at me. You're a great friend and an amazing person. I'm happy, really I am, to have you in my life but as a friend. Nothing more." I tell him and watch his face fall. Well shit, this sucks.

"Is it because of Jacob?" He asks more to his shoes than to me.

"Yes and no. Even though Jacob and I aren't in a relationship we do care about each other. But even if Jacob didn't exist I wouldn't be interested in more than friendship. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry, it's just how you feel. But it sucks for me is all. I won't make things tense with our friends but I need some time to get past this, please."

"Whatever you need, just tell me."

He looked me in the eye, his own glassy with tears, before giving me a sad smile and walking away.

Thank God the rest of my day is dull and ordinary and flies by.

On the drive to the reservation all I do is hope that Jake likes the bikes. And there's also a small part of me, the part of me I hate, praying he can make them work so I can ride one.