Sorrows

The stars were already shining in the sky when Levi and Hange returned from their disastrous attempt to make an aquatic baby. When they got to the camp, Lara was nowhere to be found.

They noticed that Armin was near the fire, next to Eren and Mikasa. He had his face buried between his knees, and in a quick moment when he lifted his head, they could see that Armin was drying a tear, his eyes swollen.

At that moment, they both looked at each other and came to the same conclusion: Lara's plan had gone really, really wrong!

The couple began looking among the soldiers, but Lara had simply disappeared. Hange started yelling her name, catching everyone's attention, especially Armin's, who got a worried expression. Levi approached him.

"Where's Lara?" he asked, with a rather menacing look.

Armin's eyes widened, cringing.

"I-I don't know..."

"How do you not know?!" retorted Levi, sharply. Armin cringed even more, feeling his heart race, afraid of the Captain and concerned for Lara.

Hange approached them and tried to calm down her husband, and gently asked Armin if he had seen Lara in the last few minutes. Downcast, Armin replied no. Eren then pointed his finger in a certain direction.

"There's a port ahead. She might be there."

Everyone around looked at each other, wondering how he knew that, but then they remembered that Eren had access to the Titans' ancient memories. So, Hange and Levi went to the port, accompanied by Armin, Eren, Mikasa, Connie, Sasha, Jean, and some other soldiers, to use this opportunity to explore the place. At first, Levi didn't want to let Armin go with them, because he thought it would be worse, but the boy insisted, seeming very much concerned about his daughter's well-being.

And Eren was right. When they all got to the port, they found Lara sitting on one of the decks, head down, soaking her feet in the water below, as she held the seashell that Armin had given her.

She got startled by the sudden approaching entourage. Hange and Levi had a worried look and thought about scolding her for having disappeared without warning anyone, but when they saw their daughter's sad state, they thought it was better to talk to her later.

Glancing, Lara noticed that Armin had come along and that he looked very relieved that she was there. Now that she had been found, everyone allowed themselves to explore a little of that port.

At one point, Lara was exploring one of the stairs that gave access to the large concrete wall. She got surprised at seeing Armin approaching, quite anxious. Instantly, she felt her heart race and her palms sweat.

"H-How did you find this place?" he asked, avoiding her eyes.

Lara felt a certain anger rise in her heart. She asked herself how Armin could be so daring to come and talk to her so casually, after all he had told her.

"After our 'small talk', I started walking around and ended up finding it," replied Lara, wrinkling her nose. "It's an excellent place to drown your sorrows. You should try it."

Those words had barely left her mouth and she regretted saying them, because Armin looked at her with such sadness, that Lara felt her heart sink. Crestfallen, he nodded and turned away, wandering aimlessly along one of the decks.

Lara covered her face, feeling great anguish in her chest. A lump formed in her throat and she felt her eyes burn.

"Idiot," she cursed herself. Lara thought about going to Armin to apologize, but the mood between them was so heavy that she thought she might even make things worse. Lara completely lost the will to continue exploring, and the only thing she could do was pick up the seashell and stroke it, looking quite depressed.

The return home the next day was very uncomfortable. Lara hadn't slept at all and she had big bags under her eyes. To make matters worse, she still had to ride alongside Armin, who, just like her, was looking awful. At a certain time, a thought occurred to Lara about whether it would be better to have Armin transferred as Officer to another Squad, for it would be too painful to have to continue working with him, considering the disastrous state of their relationship right now. But, she came to the conclusion that it was a very immature and childish thought.

On the way back, Lara had a lot of time to think. She tried to put herself in Armin's shoes, to try to understand his motivations, but she just couldn't understand why he was allowing himself to suffer like that.

She thought that everyone will die one day, but that won't stop them from living normally. Quite the opposite. People try to be as happy as possible, staying close to the people they loved.

Even if Armin didn't have the Titan "curse", he would still be in danger of dying at any time, even earlier than the twelve-year deadline, through a Titan that could swallow him, or even simply slip and hit his head.

Do people stop living happily because they have the possibility of dying from a fall or something else? Of course not. So why was he depriving himself of being happy?

So Lara came to the conclusion that deep down, Armin was just a person who put others above himself, which was a very noble attitude, but if not used in a healthy way, he would end up giving his all, and would never receive anything in return. In addition to the fact that there are those who could use this behavior of his for their own benefit.

Lara felt that, thinking about this quality of Armin, she loved him even more.

When they got home, Lara went straight to the bathroom to have a bath and then sleep, claiming she wasn't hungry. Hange and Levi were very concerned, for they wanted to know what had really happened on that beach. But they thought it was better to let her rest and cool off, and then they could talk later.

The next day was Saturday, and Lara didn't show up for breakfast. Her parents went to her room and knocked on the door. When they got in, they saw Lara completely tucked under the blankets. Gently, they sat on the bed.

"Baby..." said Hange, stroking Lara's leg, "Do you wanna talk?"

Silence. Hange looked apprehensively at Levi. Then, slowly, Lara came out from under the blankets, her hair disheveled and her face swollen from crying until late at night. It broke her parents' hearts.

"Sorry for not having breakfast with you..." she said, downcast, while running her finger on the blanket. "I'm still not hungry..."

"That's okay..." said Levi, ruffling her hair affectionately.

Lara looked at them with a sad smile. Then, she told them everything that had happened. When she finished, Hange had tears in her eyes and even Levi looked sad and regretful for being rude to Armin.

"We're very sorry, baby..." said Hange, caressing Lara's face, "I can't imagine how hard it must be for you… And for Armin, huh?! Poor thing... What a horrible thing happened to him..."

"Hange," said Levi, "is there really no way to reverse this? Have you seen anything about this 'curse' in your research?"

"I'm as surprised as you are, babe," she replied, pressing her lips together. "It's the first time I've heard about this 'side effect'. Eren never told me anything about it. However..." Hange gave an encouraging smile, "We'll try to find a solution, won't we, sweetie?"

Lara nodded slowly.

"But," said Levi, frowning, "I also agree that Armin isn't making a good choice. He shouldn't allow himself to suffer like this."

Hange and Lara looked at Levi, surprised by that comment. For a brief moment, Lara even chuckled.

"You, saying these things, Dad?"

Hange gently chuckled too, squeezing her husband's knee. Levi made a face, but then lowered his head.

"It's because I know what it's like..." he replied shyly, "I've been through a similar situation… I was once stubborn and pigheaded, just like he's being right now..."

He looked at Lara awkwardly. Fortunately, she took his hand and squeezed it in an affectionate way.

"But you changed your mind, Dad."

"Yes," he shrugged, "but at what cost? We almost lost you..."

Lara lowered her head, but continued to hold her father's hand, understanding. Then, she let out a big sigh.

"Do you guys mind if I spend the weekend here, in bed? I'm not feeling up to anything..."

Hange and Levi looked at each other, uneasily. Then, Hange kindly squeezed Lara's arm.

"Sure you can, baby. Do whatever you feel like. We'll be here in case you need us."

She then stood up, calling Levi to come along. Reluctantly, he left the bedroom, closing the door behind him and looking at Hange.

"Love, do you really think it's right to let her stay like this? Isn't it better if she tries to get out of bed?"

"Levi," Hange placed her hand on his shoulder, "what Lara needs now is to literally get all this sadness out of her... She needs to cry as much as she has to... This will help her get through this phase better."

Gradually, Levi agreed and to Hange's surprise, he informed her that he would go out. She tried to ask him where he was going, but he said it would be quick and that he would be right back. About forty minutes later, Levi got back home with a bag in his hands.

"What's that?" asked Hange, meeting him at the door.

"It's chocolate," he replied. "I know she likes to eat when she's on PMS. I thought it could make her feel better."

Hange smiled and leaned over to give her husband a peck kiss.

"I brought some for you too," said Levi, taking a box of chocolates from the bag.

Hange got delighted, saying that later she would reward him, this very night, which left him quite happy.

Lara was very grateful and moved by her father's sudden gift, and promised that she would eat them all, while already crying in his chest, with a chocolate candy melting in her mouth.

Drowning her sorrows with the chocolates did Lara a lot of good, except for one time when, as she ate one of the chocolates, she remembered when she did carrier pigeon delivery services for Erwin, which also made her cry for missing her deceased uncle.

Lara spent the whole weekend practically locked in her bedroom, crying in her bed as she cuddled the seashell that Armin had given her. She wondered if he was also in this emotional state of sorrow or if he was dealing with the pain better than she was.

But, if Lara could see him now, she would see that he was much worse. Armin spent his weekend also tucked under the blankets in his bedroom, crying bitterly. He didn't have any parents to comfort him, just as he also didn't have anything that belonged to Lara to be cuddled. So the only way out for him was to keep stroking his own cheek that Lara's hand had touched, sobbing in sadness.

On Sunday morning, Lara did a drawing of when she and her parents were on the beach, and ended up discovering that drawing was an excellent therapy and way to express her emotions. The result was one of the most beautiful drawings she had ever done, which would make Moblit very proud, making Lara feel a great pang in her heart, remembering her dear "granny".

Hange and Levi were very surprised by the drawing, which Lara gave them as a gift. It was the scene of the three of them embracing each other while gazing at the Ocean. They hung it in a closet, but later thought it was best to take it out, for it might awaken memories of Armin in their daughter, as the events took place on the same day. In the end, they ended up putting it inside the wardrobe and who knows, maybe one day they could finally hang it somewhere when Lara feels better.

Lara made the mistake of trying to draw Armin, with the sunset surrounding him, just like she had seen him on the beach before they talked. But it made her throw away at least five drafts, because they were all wet by her tears that fell on the papers. Finally, she made a great effort to finish the drawing, only to later also put it in her wardrobe, inside a box.

Despite the pain that it caused her, Lara didn't want to put the seashell away, leaving it on her bedside table, touching it whenever she had the opportunity, for it seemed that, at every touch, Armin's love filled her.

Levi and Hange proved to be great parents, trying to help with her daughter's drowning sorrows. Levi brought her tea and cookies. They would mostly stay in silence, because there was nothing to be said, and just the company of each other was heartwarming. Levi would sit on the bed with his back against the wall and Lara would lie her head on his lap, while he stroked her hair and she sobbed softly. They would both remain there, contemplating the landscape from the window ahead.

Hange would also lay on Lara's bed, with her daughter's face buried in her chest, just like she used to do when she was a child. Hange would stroke her back and place soft kisses on the top of her head, while Lara cried and said, "Why Armin?! Why?!"

On Sunday night, to please his daughter, Levi made her favorite dish. Lara finally ate with a voracious appetite, for only having chocolates in her stomach for so long.

After that, Lara got surprised to see that Hange had placed the futons on the lawn and invited them to watch the stars until bedtime. Lara snuggled between her parents as they covered her with blankets, for the night was quite cool.

The three of them stayed there, embracing each other, watching the sky, the clouds, and the stars. Lara's eyes began to get very heavy, for she had cried a bit more, because she had spotted a cloud that looked like Armin. Then, she fell asleep and, for the first time in a long time, Levi had to carry her to put her in bed, for her parents felt pity to wake her up. The poor man had a hard time going up the porch stairs with his daughter in his arms, for Lara was already big and was completely floppy, and if it hadn't been for Hange's help, they would both have rolled down the stairs and maybe caused a little accident.

It was pretty hard for Lara and Armin to get back to work and live in the same place, at first. The mood between them was still very tense and awkward, in addition to both feeling quite sad every time they saw each other. But slowly, Lara realized there was no point in trying to be cold with him. It seemed like every time she looked at Armin, she felt an overwhelming urge to hug him and tell him he wouldn't need to worry about anything else, for she would protect him forever.

With each passing day, Lara felt her love for Armin grow more. A great feeling of compassion was rising inside her, and the only conclusion she came to was that she would try to make that whole painful situation as light as possible. Although she didn't agree with Armin's decision, Lara couldn't help but feel the pain he felt, so she thought it was best to at least try to ease his burden.

Lara promised herself that she would never treat him with disdain or coldness again and proceeded to always be as kind as possible to him, which seemed to have at least a small effect, for, although Armin still tried to avoid her and would only talk to her when necessary, the mood between them two gradually softened and Lara noticed that the situation was much less painful for him.

One night, as Lara lay cuddled with the seashell before going to sleep, she thought about how Armin might like to have something of hers to remember her, or to at least lessen his suffering. So the next day, after she got back from work, Lara stayed up till late at night, doing a drawing of the two of them on the beach, gazing at the sunset. She cried during the drawing execution as she remembered that sad moment (but this time, Lara was careful enough not to wet the paper).

The next day, she planned on placing the drawing under Armin's bedroom door, when he was out, inside an envelope. Before leaving the lab to do this, a thought came to her mind that she was doing something silly, and that Armin could think she was feeling full of herself for assuming he wanted to have something to remember her.

However, ever since she came up with that idea, Lara felt something very strong in her heart that she should do it. She tried to push the bad thought out of her mind, reminding herself that her real intention was only to help and even show her love for Armin. But, just in case, she put a note inside the envelope, saying that if he didn't want the drawing, he could throw it away and asked him to forgive her for the inconvenience.

But, on the next day, when Lara arrived at the lab early in the morning, she found on her desk a little yellow flower and a piece of paper together, with the following words.

"Thank you for relieving my pain.

- Armin."

Lara cried, touched and happy to have pleased him, and almost wet the little piece of paper with her tears. When she got home that night, she showed the flower and his note to her parents. Hange thought the gesture was so cute, she told Levi that now she wanted him to start leaving little notes on her office desk as well. He rolled his eyes, clicking his tongue, as his wife giggled. Lara put the flower and note in the same box that she had kept the other drawing of Armin on the beach.

"Play - Thunderclouds, de Amadea Music Productions"

Time went by, and Lara and Hange tried hard to research the effect of the "Titan Curse", and if they could also find a cure for that terrible problem. In fact, Lara gave it her all, becoming practically obsessed with finding a solution, for she was starting to have nightmares about Armin lying in a coffin or simply dying in her arms, causing her to wake up sweaty in the middle of the night, her heart racing.

She started missing training classes a lot and Levi had to pick her up from the lab several times. It came to a point where Lara asked her father to release her, claiming that she would later help him with the basement project, so they could have a proper training room and thus, make up for her absences. A little reluctantly, Levi authorized her, first because he knew it would do no good to forbid her, and second, because he also wanted everything to be resolved so that his daughter could finally be happy and at peace.

But, Lara's absence was noticed by everyone in training classes, especially by Armin, who, not being any fool, soon understood why she was missing classes, to be locked up in the lab. He noticed how much down on her face Lara was and that she was probably not getting much sleep. She wasn't asking him to do many tasks anymore, for she was too busy with her research. Every day, Armin felt guilt gnawing at his heart for being the cause of Lara's current state.

Hange was also helping her daughter when she had the opportunity, for about an hour a day in the morning. But, as the Commander, she just didn't have much time during the week. However, she did a lot on weekends, with Lara assisting her in their home lab. Even Levi tried to come up with some ideas or suggestions, but nothing that could help much.

In the middle of one sleepless night, Levi went to the kitchen to make some tea, and to his surprise, he found Lara sitting in the middle of the living room, with dozens of papers and books scattered on the floor, while grasping her hair tightly in an expression of complete despair.

"I can't do this!" she whispered to herself, her chest rising and falling, "Why I cannot do this?!"

Levi quickly went to her, who, when she noticed her father there, Lara couldn't hold the cry in her throat anymore and lay on his chest, sobbing, while saying:

"He's gonna die, Dad... I won't be able to save Armin... He's gonna die!"

Seeing Lara in that condition, Levi himself began to feel his daughter's despair in his heart. But the only thing he could do was to rock the girl back and forth, kissing the top of her head and telling her that everything was going to be okay, even though deep down, he wasn't so sure about that.

Then, one morning with a torrential thunderstorm, Hange and Lara were in the Headquarters' lab, racking their brains. Lara had dark circles under her eyes and even Hange looked extremely tired.

It got to a point where they both had nowhere else to go. Sitting opposite each other, Hange slowly took Lara's hand, saying:

"Baby..." she had teary eyes, "I'm very sorry, but... There's no solution for this… We've tried everything…"

With bloodshot eyes, Lara shook her head in denial, feeling tears well up in her eyes too. She leaned her elbows on the desk, clutching her hair.

As if the situation couldn't get any worse, guess who arrived at the lab at that moment?

Armin.

He knocked on the open door and Hange signaled that he could come in, trying to hide her own tears. A rumble of thunder echoed outside.

"Excuse me, Lara," he said, in his typical soft, shy tone, "I need you to authorize Sasha, Connie, and Jean to go to Ehrmich District to make the maintenance of the carts that broke last week--"

Before he could finish his sentence, Lara jumped from her chair, completely disheveled and her eyes wide, filled with tears. Armin got so startled that he took a step back. For a brief moment, they both stared at each other, and then, Armin felt as if someone had punched him in the stomach, such anguish filled his heart.

Then, Lara simply ran away outside. Armin looked confused from the door to Hange, who stood up and walked over to him, looking very sad, but kind. Staring at the paper he carried in his hand, Armin felt his jaw tremble. He noticed Hange's presence beside him.

"Oh, darling..." she said, pressing her lips together and placing her hand on his shoulder, squeezing him, "I'm so sorry... We did everything we could..."

Armin couldn't explain it, but Hange showed so much affection in that touch, he allowed himself to release the lament trapped in his throat. He then began to cry, a lot.

Quickly, Hange wrapped him in her arms and, just like she did with Lara, she began to rock him back and forth slowly. Armin grasped the sleeves of her coat as his shoulders bounced as his cry increased. Hange felt such compassion for the boy that she couldn't help but kiss the top of his head, stroking his back. Now her own tears were falling on Armin.

Lara wandered aimlessly through the corridors, while thunders roared outside. It was all kinda empty, with soldiers probably taking refuge from the storm in the refectory or some other rooms. She staggered and felt her vision completely blurred.

Lara left through one of the doors and went straight to a place that brought her comfort: the tree where she rested with Levi during their breaks. Barely did she step outside and Lara was already soaked by the torrential storm. If someone shouted, she wouldn't be able to hear it, such was the loud volume of the waters falling from the skies.

When she got to the tree, Lara leaned on the trunk and, with no more strength in her legs, she knelt on the grass and began to cry. She felt her heart burning with despair and images of a lifeless Armin hovered in her mind.

Then, Lara looked up to the sky and from the bottom of her soul, she let out a great cry.

"AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO COME HERE AND COMFORT ME?!" Lara had a look of fury. "LORD! DON'T YOU HAVE AN ARMY WITH THOUSANDS OF ANGELS UP THERE?! CAN'T YOU SEND ME EVEN ONE TO COME HERE?! WHERE ARE THEY NOW, HUH?! ANSWER ME!"

Silence. Only the sound of the waters was heard, and then, a loud thunder echoed through the clouds.

Lara screamed very loudly, feeling that at any moment, her heart might explode. She screamed and screamed, in deep agony. She allowed herself to scream more and more, for no one would hear her with all that storm. Loud sobs echoed from her throat and she felt like throwing up.

Then, Lara noticed something fall on her shoulders and looked up.

Levi was there, soaking wet, putting his own green cloak over his daughter.

He knelt beside her and hugged her tightly, holding her head against his chest, while Lara grabbed his jacket and continued to cry. Seeing her in that state, Levi felt a great sadness inside him and his heart tightened. A lump formed in his throat. Then, beyond his control, tears began to stream down his eyes.

At that moment, Levi hated himself, for feeling extremely powerless, not being able to do anything for his daughter, other than covering her with his cloak and hugging her. But little did he know that was all she needed right now.

Despite the cold water that wet them, Lara could feel the heat of her father's body, and little by little, a warmth was coming into her heart and all Levi's love and care were filling her. He embraced her tightly, stroking her hair, as he always did and as he would always do, as many times as necessary.

There, Lara understood.

An angel did come to comfort her, and his name was Levi.